A/N: Okay, so some of you may not appreciate this chapter… Although if you had been paying any attention you would know that this should mean the next chapter will be a good'un so please don't write me off just yet. Let me know what you think love Charli x
Today isn't Sara's birthday.
She would know if it was; that familiar emptiness that somehow managed to fill her heart on her birthday would be there. Instead she felt something else, a feeling of dread she couldn't quite put her finger on, her feet felt light as she ran in the crisp autumnal air. Leaves of gold and brown danced their way to the sidewalks and lawns as she rushed past, music filled her ears accompanied by the rhythmic thump-thump-thump of her jogging.
She hadn't realised she was running, not until she collided full force with a poor unsuspecting stranger who had stopped suddenly to check his phone. Her flustered apology and subsequent red cheeks were interrupted by her cell phone. She would have ignored it, had she still been running. It was probably the lab asking her in early, or Greg chattering about one of three things he always talked about; work, computer games or Morgan.
As it happens it was neither of those things.
It was something she couldn't have been prepared for in a million years and it was about to turn her whole world inside out.
"Sidle" She answered the call with a curt and sharp greeting. It was an unknown number, meaning it was highly possible it was someone calling to sell her something. The greeting often conveyed the fact that she had little time for small talk and usually put salespeople on edge right from the get go.
With her spare hand she swiped the sweat beading on her forehead and glanced around attempting to pinpoint her location. She had no idea where she was, it was happening more and more often lately. She ran blind, until she could run no more.
"Ms Sidle, My name is Kurt Michael, head physician at St John's"
Sara immediately stopped what she was doing. A lump was already building in her throat; as though she knew what was coming before Dr Michael even spoke again. The day was suddenly a whole lot darker, clouds seemed to close in around her and the rest of the world moved so quickly it made her dizzy.
"I am calling about Mr Gil Grissom" Her mind shot back to the last time she had spoken to Gil Grissom. He had been somewhat disjointed as he spoke of their separation. It broke her heart to realise how much thought he had put into it, as though it had been on his mind for a long time. He had everything sorted out already; making a clean break was for the best he had said. She couldn't say she agreed but at the time she had been so stunned that no argument would make its way to her lips, she had simply listened and tried not to make it obvious that tears were slowly streaking down her face.
"Yes?" Her voice cracked even with such a small word. A part of her knew exactly what was coming. It made sense to her, more than the man she adored with all her heart suddenly deciding he didn't feel the same way.
"I'm afraid it's not good news"
Sara somehow found herself seated on a hard, unforgiving bench by the side of the road talking to this Dr for what felt like hours but was probably only minutes. It was almost like an out of body experience, she could hear what he was saying and hear herself responding, she knew she was nodding and changing which hand she held the phone with but none of it seemed to sink in or make sense to her foggy mind. Before she knew what was really happening she was off and running again, heading home with panic rising in her chest.
The entire way home words would rush through her mind, key words from the conversation she had just had.
Last wishes.
Goodbye.
End Stage.
Chemotherapy.
Confusion.
Pain.
Cancer.
Cancer.
These words seemed highlighted in her mind. Jumping out at her and replaying over and over again in no particular order. She had to get to him, she knew that. It was the only thing she did know in that moment. Grissom needed her, and she was going to be there.
She wasn't entirely sure she knew how she got her bags packed, or her shifts covered or on the flight out of Las Vegas but she did. She sat on the plane in a daze and watched as Las Vegas disappeared beneath her, she stared at the chair in front of her as though she expected it to give her the meaning of life; she ignored the stewardess with her overly friendly greetings and her painted on smile. She ran through every cherished memory she had of the man who held her heart, he may have tried to hand it back but it would always belong to him, from the very first moment she had felt that flutter in her chest when she looked into his eyes.
The fear she felt building in her chest when she approached the huge white building was almost enough to make her flee. She wasn't sure she could face seeing him sick; he had always been so strong and so commandeering.
The building was very quiet, her steps echoed off the walls and a steady soundtrack of beeps filled the sterile air. A young woman with bright red hair sat behind the desk flicking through a magazine and chewing gum in the side of her mouth. She seemed so disinterested Sara was sure she could walk straight past her without her noticing but as it stood she had no idea where her 'husband' currently was.
"Umm Excuse me?" She cursed her quiet, nervy voice.
She took a deep breath and repeated but the woman still didn't look up from her issue of Marie Clare. Sara noticed the earphone buds in the girl's ears and opened her mouth, about to educate the woman on customer service and ear health when a middle-aged man in a crisp white lab coat suddenly approached her.
"Ms Sidle?" Sara didn't have time to ponder how this stranger knew who she was, or bother with introductions. Her mind was awash with new words now, or rather moments, silly moments that would probably be deemed insignificant to most, a brush of a hand, a casual term of endearment, a whispered confession.
Sara had never felt the need to think about the years that had passed them by, they had all been far too painful. All of the time spent wanting and waiting for something that seemed to be far more difficult than she had ever hoped for it to be.
She had found herself looking at Grissom and feeling infuriated to the core about the things that he had never managed to say to her.
Underpinning the angst was the desire to know him completely, to have melted into his life until he couldn't tell where he ended and she begun. She wanted nothing more than to know that after everything, that despite everything he was there.
And that truth was slowly slipping away. They were running short of time.
That feeling of time running out was only emphasised as she was shown to a small room at the end of a long corridor with the words 'Gilbert Grissom' in black letters on the door. Her heart seemed to stop in her chest and she cursed all those lost moments, all those times when she hadn't told him to true depth of her feelings or when she hadn't given him the chance to tell her.
"He's been asking for you…." The doctor said.
It struck a chord with her, somewhere deep down she knew that he still loved her and that he always would. She had known this to be fact and it had been the only comforting factor she had had in recent months when she went home alone and woke up alone.
All the preparation she had been forcing her mind to do, all the internal pep talks fell to the wayside as she stepped into the other world of Grissom's tiny hospital room. Her breath stopped in her chest and her legs stopped moving her forward. She was paralysed, perhaps with fear, perhaps pity, she couldn't be sure. The doctor rested a reassuring hand on her shoulder, propelling her forward to face her greatest fear.
Their time had run out.
Grissom lay stretched out on the bed, his skin pale and clammy and his face sunken and grey. He slept the monitor on the left hand side of the bed beeping rhythmically to reassure her of his life. His chest didn't move slowly up and down like you would expect of a sleeping man, he shuddered with each breath like it took a tremendous effort just to fill his lungs.
His illness had aged him and worn him out, the thick curls of hair she had once loved to run her fingers through had become sparse and wiry, clumps were missing showing the skin on his scalp. His bones seemed to be trying to poke out from his skin at the joints, an uncomfortable looking IV feed sat on his arm and a tube wrapped around his face feeding oxygen into his nose.
Tears stung at Sara's eyes and she didn't even make an attempt to fight them. In that moment she would have given anything to swap places with him. He was a part of her and while she had always had faith they would find their way back to each other, she had never imagined it to be like this.
"How long, Doctor?" Sara whispered. She wasn't sure she wanted to know, Grissom looked like he was facing death already.
"A matter of days, maybe hours" He declared.
He seemed surprisingly calm given she had just torn her heart from her chest and trampled all over it in front of her. She suspected he had to do this a lot; the impact of breaking such terrible news was lost on him now.
"Have you contacted his mother, or a…a priest?"
She was surprised at her logical thinking; she certainly didn't feel logical in that moment. She could feel the world rushing away from under her feet and a rising panic filling her body.
"His only wishes were to see you Ms Sidle…" With a sympathetic nod the doctor backed out of the room allowing her the privacy she needed.
For a long moment she stood there, rooted to the spot and afraid to move forward. Moving forward meant facing the future and a future without Grissom was just too much for her to bear. He had always been her safety net, no matter how unsteady the ride and how choppy the waters she knew they would ride the storm and come out of the other end wrapped in each-other's arms.
He stirred in the bed, startling her and forcing her across the room and to his side. She settled her body into the creaky plastic chair by the window, reaching out for his already outstretched hand.
It frightened her how cold he was already, it was something she should have been prepared for but everything slowed as he carefully grasped his skeletal fingers around her hand.
"You came…" He whispered.
He sounded so weak, his lips cracked and dry and his eyelids heavy. Sara quickly took hold of the glass of water on the bedside table and held the straw to his lips. He shook and trembled as he sipped at the fluid and she could see the effort of the movement draining what little energy he had left.
"Of course I came" Sara muttered through the tears. She was beginning to tremble herself now, the power of her emotions overwhelming her. She could still picture how he had looked the first time she had met him, such an inspiring passionate man. He had owned that lecture hall, commanded the attention of every student and guided her on a path to forensics that she had excelled in and he had looked at her with those crystal blue eyes that told her more than he ever needed to verbalise.
Those eyes had never changed, most people didn't see the depths that she did and for that she was thankful. She could close her eyes at any time and be transported to the darkness of their bedroom where she could see his eyes casting over her and feel his hands on her skin. She could remember every touch, every kiss and every tender moment they shared and the eyes she pictured when she was transported back there were the same eyes she saw now as she looked at the shell before her.
"Sara…I'm..I'm so sorry…" Grissom tried to heave himself into a seated position but his body wouldn't cooperate and the effort of the failed attempt left him breathless.
"Please, just rest" Sara soothed. She wanted to scream at him for shutting her out and pushing her away but in actual fact she totally understood why he had. She had done the same, many times before, she knew how hard it was to let people be there for you and to support you through tough times. She knew what it was like to want to protect the people you loved from heartbreak. "It's Okay"
It wasn't ok, she could tell by his laboured breathing that the end was near. She suddenly had so much she wanted to say to him, so many questions, so many confessions and she knew there was no time. His grip tightened around her hand as he pulled her closer. His hand caressed her cheek and she felt tears settle on her eyelashes. Sara could feel his slow breath on her neck, what little heat he had left in his body embraced her as he held her close. She sunk into this embrace, allowing their hearts to connect again, allowing the memories of their love to reignite the spark within them and for a moment it was beautiful. For one absolutely perfect moment they were suspended in time.
Grissom's grip soon loosened, his body soon relaxed and the monitor soon began to scream for attention as the room filled with doctors. Sara took a large step back, her hand grasping her tear streaked face. She couldn't, wouldn't accept that is was over already, she shook her head uncontrollably uttering no over and over.
The doctor she had spoken to glanced at he rounded the bed before calling out words to his team that she simply let fly over her head. She was looking at Grissom, his lifeless body laid out on the bed like so many she had seen before and yet this time she felt the raw ache it left all over her body as she looked.
She was ushered outside by a small sympathetic looking nurse, she didn't know it but she was yelling. She was crying out about not being able to say goodbye, about lost opportunities and true love. She was inconsolable out there in the white empty corridor although she didn't know it, she had no concept of her behaviour, all she knew was that she still wasn't ready to say goodbye.
After what felt like a few hours in the hallway the doctor came outside and took her hand. This offer of condolence was enough to send her over the edge again, tears rolled freely down her face as she attempted to listen to what he was saying. He led her back into the room and Grissom lay there, his monitor still beeping that glorious steady sound but he was intubated to help him breathe. His body was so tired of the fight, so exhausted it couldn't keep up anymore. It was only a matter of time before they couldn't maintain his life, this time she had to be ready.
She sat by his bed for a long time. Everything she had ever wanted to say to him spilled out through her tears. She felt like she had taken his hand and walked with him through their entire history just to end up right back where they began.
By some remarkable act of fate the doctor didn't turn up until she was finished, he clouded the doorway and met her eye telling her that it was time. Sara, now resigned to the fact that she had to let go, simply nodded and gripped his hand a little tighter.
The doctor moved quickly, removing the tube from his throat and the wires from his arms and stepping away allowing them their space. Grissom choked a little as he fought to take his own breaths; she reached out a hand to him and leaned close so that their faces were touching.
She could feel his facial hair bristle against her cheek, it had always been a sensation she enjoyed and one she held synonymous to him. As her tears left moisture on his face he was sure he held her hand just a little tighter before he left, a tiny understated endearment that meant the world to her.
Sara held him tight as he took his last breath, a whispered 'I love you' being the last words she ever spoke to him. And those words were never enough.