Chapter 10

Broken Dreams

"Mmmmm Manami, say it. Say 'I love you.'"

"No!"

"You know you do, say it."

The feeling was awkward, but with a heart-pounding intensity. Noboru lay on the bed, and there was a man on top of him. The man was long and lean, and he was kissing Noboru, caressing his crotch and breasts—breasts?—and demanding he tell him he loved him. He knew he loved this man, but for some reason, he wasn't permitted to say it, no matter how much the man begged.

Noboru sat up, bathed in sweat, feeling as if he'd just been given an electric shock. His body was vibrating with some unknown emotion.

He had dreamed he was a woman named Manami, being made love to by a man with silvery hair and narrow eyes that sparkled. The feeling of the dream lingered, pressing down on him like a headache. He glanced over and got another shock when he saw Nowaki sleeping next to him. The man looked so peaceful, in contrast to the panic that Noboru felt rising in him. He shook the man he'd let fuck him last night. Oh, God.

"Dr. Kusama! Dr. Kusama! It's morning! You'd better get up!"

Nowaki stirred slowly. He opened his eyes and looked up at Noboru, who was now struggling into his uniform. Nowaki reached out, pulled him back onto the bed, and began pulling the unbuttoned chef's coat back off him.

"Hey! Cut it out, Doctor! I have to get ready for class!" But Nowaki acted as if he hadn't heard and pressed a wet mouth on Noboru's chest, teasing a nipple with his tongue. "NnnnnNNnooo!"

Nowaki raised hooded eyes to him: "That didn't sound like much of an objection." His hand strayed to Noboru's thigh, lightly touching and traveling up bare skin toward his cock.

I should have put my underwear on first, Noboru thought, but he let the hand creep up and caress his cock, which was already growing stiff. To his embarrassment, his hips seemed to decide to move on their own, rubbing his stiffening member on Nowaki's hand, making the tall man chuckle.

Nowaki pulled Noboru closer and leaned down to take the now-hard cock in his mouth. Noboru pressed on his head as if to push himself off but found his arms had no strength—that must have been it, because instead of pushing, he was stroking the black hair, encouraging Nowaki. He heard himself gasping, and somehow the sound aroused him further, and he threw his head back and gave in to the pleasure.

The really great thing about having Dr. Kusama perform oral sex on him was how much the older man seemed to enjoy it. Noboru looked down at the doctor as he tenderly slurped and licked, making guttural noises in his throat as if enjoying a delicious feast. It gave Noboru shivers up his spine. He rubbed the head again, but he felt a jolt of arousal and unthinkingly pressed Nowaki into him. Nowaki responded by moving faster. The friction increased, and Nowaki began to caress his balls. "I can't take anymore! D-doctor Kusama! I'm coming!" Nowaki did not pull off, but kept it up until Noboru had shot his semen up his partner's throat. Nowaki's hands came up and held Noboru's ass as he gently sucked. Finally, he let Noboru go and pressed his face against the younger man's abdomen.

"Ah, Noboru. So good," he sighed. Noboru was tempted to caress the shaggy head once more, but even in the wake of orgasm, impatience rose in him.

"That was irresponsible! I have to be at class, and you! You never went home!" Noboru went into the bathroom to wash himself off. He would have preferred to shower, but now that was impossible. A new student couldn't get to class late. Nowaki appeared in the doorway and watched Noboru wash his dick. Noboru shut the door and finished dressing in privacy. He emerged five minutes later to find Nowaki dressed as well.

"Come on, I have to go! Do you have everything?"

Nowaki gave him a goofy grin, which made Noboru cluck his tongue in irritation. He grabbed his knife satchel and jacket and waved Nowaki through the door, shutting it behind them. He trotted down the stairs, Nowaki trailing him. The doctor caught up with him on the pavement, looping an arm through his.

"I'm not kidding, Dr. Kusama! I need to get to the subway station now, or I'll be late!"

"I know. I just want to walk with you."

"But I need to walk fast!"

"Okay." Nowaki gave him another sweet smile and sped up. Once inside the subway gates, Noboru ran for the platform, calling over his shoulder.

"Sorry, Dr. Kusama! I really have to go!"

"I'll call you!" replied Nowaki. Noboru heard him but did not reply as he started running down the stairs.

Nowaki made his slower way to another platform, raising his hand to check his watch. His watch was not on his wrist. He must have forgotten it at Noboru's apartment. Far from being annoyed, he found himself smiling. The sign on the platform showed the time at 7:07. Hiro-san would be getting ready to leave for the university. Nowaki's heart gave a huge thump. He knew there would be a tense scene waiting at home for him, but he never considered not going home.

"I'm home," he said as he entered the apartment, remembering all of the times when he had said this. Normally, he came home late at night when there was no one to greet him. And normally, he didn't have anything so heavy weighing on his heart. Even the death of a patient was something he could bring home with a free heart, because though he might have failed as a doctor, he could still consider himself righteous in relation to his world. Last night, he had violated one of the principles of his life, and he entered his apartment a tainted man.

Not that he regretted making love with Noboru—not at all. When he thought of it, he couldn't help feeling happy. But he was in a poor relation with every part of his life except Noboru, and he couldn't let that go on.

He heard Hiro-san moving around in the bedroom. To his guilty ears, the movements sounded staccato and agitated. To confirm this impression, a sharp noise issued from the bedroom, followed by curses. Hiro-san must have knocked something over on his dresser, a bottle of cologne or the cup where he kept his change.

Taking a deep breath, Nowaki walked to the doorway and stood. "Good morning, Hiro-san." Kamijou froze with his back to the door. Moments passed, before he spoke.

His head was at an unnatural angle, as if he were trying to see something on the front of his shirt. "Where have you been?" He was trying for a calm, neutral tone, but the strain in his voice betrayed him.

"I'm sorry to have worried you, Hiro-san." Nowaki took a step into the room toward the man who he'd thought was his life.

"You bastard, answer me. Where the fuck were you?" Hiro-san's voice trembled. Nowaki couldn't bear it. But he must bear it.

"I was with Noboru, at his apartment."

A dry, choking sound came from the dresser. Kamijou was laughing, but it was a horrible sound. Nowaki cringed. "Help-helping him get moved in, is that it? Unpacking boxes?" Kamijou still stood in that odd position, with his head cocked downward, as if he were studying the dust on the dresser top or the hairs collected in his brush that sat there.

"No, Hiro-san. We were having sex."

There was another sound, like a cry, and Hiro-san was folding up, like a canvas chair. He sat on the floor and brought his hands to his head. Nowaki's heart ached, and he wanted to go to him, but what good would that do? What good? he thought. Nowaki was paralyzed for a moment, just staring at his lover crumpled in that posture of despair.

"Hiro-san," he wanted to murmur, but he denied himself that indulgence. It would be an indulgence, because he had nothing to offer Hiro-san right now. Instead, he left and pulled a bag out of the tall closet in the living room, returned to the bedroom and began pulling clothes out of his own dresser. Then he went into the bathroom and got his razor, his deodorant, his toothpaste, his toothbrush. So many small things, each of them purchased with the intent of living with Hiro-san in happiness. Why was he doing this?

He came back into the bedroom to find Kamijou in the same position.

"Get out! Get the fuck out of my apartment, and don't even think of trying to worm your way back!"

"I'm going."

This must have shocked Hiro-san, because he turned a pink and white, tear-stained face to Nowaki, a face with a look of complete shock.

"You're…going?"

"Good-bye Hiro-san."