Tenacity; I Said Not To Underestimate Me!

I woke up feeling like something was wrong, but not knowing what. It was a feeling I often got on the day of a test I knew I was going to fail or some other dreaded event, and when I was younger it often got me a free pass out of whatever I was doing, because I would experience physical symptoms like nausea, aches, grogginess and depression. Sometimes I even got a low-grade fever, which was cool if I was actually trying to get out of something, but was really annoying once I got old enough that going somewhere a little sick was not unacceptable.

I sat up in bed and slapped myself with both hands on either side of my face like the anime characters did to snap themselves out of stuff. It didn't work. I still felt out of it, and my cheeks now stung.

What was I dreading again? I couldn't quite recall, though I got a funny feeling that there was someone nearby that I really didn't want to see. Did I have a job interview today? That would certainly account for stress, but when I looked around at my surroundings, I remembered that I didn't need to worry about supporting myself anymore, because I was marrying…

I was marrying Lelouch.

That was what I was dreading.

Because I loathed Lelouch, hated him with a fury bordering on insanity, and not the nice kind that I often flaunted; my brand of crazy, the one he liked… Wait, he liked it? Shouldn't that make it bad?

I was confused.

I also didn't feel very good and to make it worse, when I looked in my purse for a Quick-Pack™ to help settle my stomach, the one I always kept in my wallet was gone. I swore quietly and went to get a glass of water from my little refrigerator, which I hoped would be the next best thing. When did I use my trusty packet, I wondered? I seemed to recall giving it away, but when I tried to conjure up a face for the recipient, I drew a blank. I couldn't even remember the circumstances behind the action.

It was raining outside, though there was no lightning or thunder. I was a little sad about that. The last time I was super-stressed out about something, a thunder storm had put me in a much better mood… Wasn't it Lelouch I had been stressed out about that time too? That guy was really a thorn in my side.

At least for now, since I didn't have to see him today, I could feel free to hate on him in private. I got my laptop out of my backpack and opened up a word document. Maybe if I based a villain off of him and then had some super-hot good guy come and kill him, I'd feel better.

Kill him?

For some reason, I felt a pang of physical pain shoot through my chest. I dreaded… his death? That didn't make any sense. I despised him, so if he died, wouldn't that be convenient? Oh well. Maybe I was just too nice a person to wish for the death of even someone as evil as him.

Okay, I knew that wasn't the reason.

Something was definitely wrong, like a sour note in a symphony, but so faint that it itself could not be heard. Instead, it threw off the harmony of all the other instruments while remaining incongruous and generally unnoticed.

I tried to type out a basic outline for a character based off of him, thinking that maybe I would just abandon the idea of killing him off. Perhaps if he was captured at the end or for some reason even died a noble death, it would be better than just getting killed off as the "bad guy."

Why did the phrase "noble death," aggravate that discordant note in my mind?

I closed my laptop and went to shower. Maybe the hot water would help me to think more clearly, and anyway, my short hair was sticking up in the back from being slept on.

"You do an excellent rooster impression, Koneko."

The teasing voice echoed faintly through the halls of my mind and I physically stopped and grabbed at my temples. Driving my fingertips into my scalp until they hurt, I strained my mind to try and grasp at the sound, trying to remember who had said that, and why I felt such a pleasant mixture of humor and embarrassment. I didn't generally let people see me with bed-head; even when I went to morning Aikido practice before showering, I would run a wet comb through it if it was really awful.

For a moment I thought the voice might've been Lelouch's, but there was no way I would have let him of all people see me right after I woke up! I may not be trying to impress him, but I had my pride.

"Ugh!" I whispered aloud, "get out of my head, monster! Loathsome! Repugnant! Abhorrent!"

Why was he so distasteful to me again? The reason behind it had slipped my mind.

That wouldn't do; I always had a good reason for my opinions being what they were, so I sat down on the carpet and crossed my legs, pretzel-style. What was my logic? There must be logic!

He was the evil Emperor. That was the first thing that came to mind, but for some reason the claim sounded false, as if I knew better, as if he had some other motive for what he had done. Anyway, wasn't that the core reason I had agreed to this? Discovering his motive? But then, I didn't actually do it to save Jayden? My mind felt like there was a thick fog overlying my memories, and I could only see vague shapes in the gloom.

I knew what he had done. I had even seen his prisoners in the dungeon, and met the little girl who looked so terrorized, Tien Zi of the Chinese Federation. Why didn't I think he was altogether evil?

My mother had once complimented me by telling me I always looked for the best in people. I considered that high praise, not for moral reasons, but because the good is often the hardest part of human nature to find, so it was like she had told me I loved a challenge.

"Human nature," struck the off-key note again. "Humans need something to strive against because they become accustomed to striving," the Emperor had once told me. "When one evil is defeated, something worse always rises up to replace it. If the cycle isn't broken, it will continue indefinitely. That's just human nature."

This was becoming ridiculous, I thought as I forced myself to get into the shower. Why would he talk to me like that, and in such a friendly tone, when we're obviously antagonistic towards one another? But did I doubt the evidence of my own mind? I would be the first to admit that my memories were not always accurate, but somehow I didn't want to disbelieve this one. It was almost like it had been a very important memory, something that had shaped me, changed my thinking, and altered my point of view so that I could see more clearly.

That was right; I didn't want to let go of my base piece of evidence.

But what was I gathering evidence for?

I struck the wall of the shower with my fist. It hurt, but this time the stupid anime-character idea did what it was supposed to and anchored me to reality. There was something missing from my mind, something important that I had perhaps based some monumental action on. I needed to find it. It was a mystery within my own mind! I couldn't leave it unsolved.

"You just want to un-riddle him or something!"

That had been Ryan, right? He had accused me of that right after he joined the rebellion. Didn't he understand that I had done everything to save his little brother? But I hadn't, had I? Just a minute ago, I had been thinking how I had decided to go through with this thing because I wanted to know about his motivation.

I tried to make a mental list of everything I had just thought. "Kill," "noble death," "human nature," "motivation," and "evidence," had all produced that cacophony of thought that was plaguing me. "Kill" had made me sad, and "noble death" had made me both pleased and sad at the same time. "human nature" had been a piece of "evidence" in an attempt to find "motivation," and these were all centered on "Lelouch."

"Lelouch's" "motivation" for something had been "human nature," and I had discovered whatever "something" was by using "evidence."

Could "kill" or "noble death" be the something? I twisted my ring as I thought, even though normally I wouldn't even wear one, much less in the shower. How odd that I had one on now.

"Lelouch" was "motivated" to outwit "human nature" by "dying" a "noble death," and I had been searching for answers and had found them using "evidence?"

"Oh my…" I whispered as something inside my mind seemed to snap, opening the floodgates of my memories and washing away the fog with a tidal wave of thought.

Lelouch was going to die. I remembered everything now.

How had he done that? I crumpled to the bottom of the shower, weeping and gasping, clutching at my ring. How had he messed with my head like that? Why had he done it in the first place?

"I don't want you to have to bear this alone when I'm gone."

"That… that…!" I couldn't think of a word strong enough to describe how low my opinion of his intelligence had dropped. Hadn't I already told him that night when he had the gun that he could make me mad, but he couldn't make me hate him? Didn't he believe me?

But I had to admit, whatever the heck it was, it had worked for a little while at least. I swore loudly, finished showering in record time and dressed hurriedly in a plain dress of black material. I threw on the cloak that went with my white imperial regalia and pulled up the hood. It was still raining outside, but going through the garden was a lot faster than navigating the corridors and staircases to get to the connecting tunnels or the areal hallways. I ran across the wet ground as quickly as I could, not even trying to think of what to say when I reached my destination.

All I knew was that Lelouch had tried, in the end, to protect me by once again isolating himself, and I had to stop him from thinking he was alone. I had to tell him that it hadn't worked. My love for him wasn't just a feeling; it was a driving force of nature that bound me to him more strongly than if we had been married for half a century. It couldn't be broken by something as flimsy as whatever that power was.

What was that power, come to think of it?

Just as that thought ran through my mind, I caught sight of a tall figure between the trees and slowed to a walk. It wasn't until I was within ten meters of him that I recognized Orange Boy.

Orange Boy, who always seemed to be "in the know…"

I got a rather daring idea, and before I had time to talk myself out if it, I walked up to Jeremiah Gotwald and pushed my hood back just far enough that my face was visible.

"Lelouch said I should talk to you," I lied by way of greeting. He looked up from something he was doing with his phone and immediately dropped to one knee.

"Your highness," he addressed me, "of course, the Emperor's wish is my command." I ignored his lapdog comment as I tried to form the next thing I was going to say in my mind.

"He did something to me," I explained, deciding that a partial truth would do just as well as any falsehood. "I don't know what, but my head's been all fuzzy for a while and something feels very wrong. He said you'd explain when I asked him about it. What was he talking about?"

"He must have used his Geass on you," Orange Boy replied immediately. That was easier than I thought. His loyalty really was something else. "Geass is the absolute ability to bend anyone to his will; it's how he ascended the throne, actually. I myself have a Geass that cancels other Geass." I nodded thoughtfully.

"I think he means you to cancel the one he used on me," I added on a whim. If there was anything else in my head that wasn't mine, I wanted it gone. "He said, 'have Orange fix it, okay?'" Jeremiah looked up at me, and I could see his brain catching up to mine as he put two and two together.

"No dice, huh?" I answered myself. "Well, it was worth a try. Thanks for the info!" With that, I bolted for the front palace.

As I reached the building, I slowed down to a walk again, which was a mistake. My stamina was set up so that I could run flat out, but as soon as my heart rate dropped far enough, I found myself almost dead of fatigue. I panted, clutching at my throat as I alternately limped and jogged up two flights of stairs and down the hallway. I didn't have the patience to stand in an elevator.

I had pulled my hood off when I entered the building and was no longer in the rain, but feeling a bit self conscious as I stood breathlessly outside the correct door, I pulled it back up again, and arranged it so that my face was partially shaded. The garment was so heavily embroidered and bejeweled that I had no fear of being stopped by anyone; I was the future Empress, there was no doubt about that.

I took a moment to compose myself, and then gently opened the door. Lelouch was at his desk, deep in conversation with some people in business suits who looked like they were collectively having a very bad day. He didn't notice me until I closed the door behind myself with a heavy click of the latch, and immediately, what I had once called his evil-aura multiplied tenfold. The people he was talking to looked at me as well, and I was glad the cloak covered so much of me. I hadn't mastered the use of the mask like Lelouch had, and the jeweled brocade made a nice substitute. I was bowed to by the business people, who then scrambled out of the room as quickly as they could when their Emperor waved them away with a flick of his fingers.

"Why have you interrupted my conference?" he demanded coldly. I looked into his eyes, reveling in the fact that I could see his face, but he could not see mine. His expression and tone were those everyone took to be malice, but I knew better. They were a carefully controlled manifestation of deep agony. He was hurting. He started to speak again, but I held up a hand to silence him.

"I'm trying to think of the right word," I explained, "hang on a minute 'till I get it, will you?" With a sound between a sigh and a snort of annoyance, he stood up and strode to the window behind his desk, his back to me as he looked out.

The word I wanted meant "stupid," but it was stronger, like a Britannian version of obakamono.* It wasn't lead-for-brains, though I liked that one too. How could he think that trick would work on me? Didn't he know how tenacious I was? Didn't he understand how I loved people? That my feelings were grounded in solid fact? They could not be controlled unless one controlled all the data! Wow, I sounded like a robot…

He was tense; I could see it from all the way across the room. The tendons in his neck were taught, and his shoulders hunched just a little forward, his fists clenched at his sides. Who did he think he was fooling?

The whole world and me, that's who.

Whatever his reasons for thinking so—and I had to admit, that Geass thing was pretty potent, so maybe he wasn't completely off-base—he really did believe that I now "despised and reviled him." In light of that, what did he think I was here to do? Kill him? Mentally torture him? I shuddered. He was silent and had his back to me, giving me the opportunity to do either if I wished. I shed my cloak and padded across the soft carpet as silently as I could. He knew I was there though; I could see the stiffening of his jaw line as I came up behind him.

I could feel the tightness in every part of him when I put my arms around him.

He started a bit, and I could feel his pulse racing through his neck because my face was pressed into his shoulder. He didn't speak, but he looked down at my hands on his chest and stomach, and I felt him touch my ring. I was glad that I hadn't taken it off; my wearing it was coincidence really, and I hadn't meant anything deep.

"About Jeremiah," I murmured into his ear, "you know he's pretty gullible?"

"What?" he exclaimed, voice cracking, as he whirled to look down at me, eyes searching my face as though he had lost something very important there.

"It didn't work," I informed him, not being able to come up with a more tactful way of putting it. "Your Geass; was that the first time it ever failed?"

"Failed?" he gasped. I nodded.

"You tried to mess with something you didn't understand," I explained. "It wasn't my heart you had to worry about, because my heart follows wherever my mind leads. It was my head you needed to mess with."

"But I—"

"You told me to base my feelings off of certain facts," I interrupted, "so I commend you for figuring that much out. However, you never actually told me to believe them."

I could see comprehension awakening on his face, and I smiled mischievously.

"Of course," I added, "even if you had, I'll bet that in a contest between your Geass and my less-than-sane tenacity, I'd still win. I've decided to love you," my voice grew quieter, even though there was probably no one to overhear us. "You can't change that, even with Geass. And I'm not sorry."

If he had literally taken off a façade made of paper and glitter, it could not have been a more drastic change. Just because I could see through his act didn't mean that the difference was lost on me. He seemed unsure of whether he should look disappointed or joyful, and I smiled again as I put a hand on his face and whispered, "That's more like it. What're you hiding from me for?"

"I didn't want you to be hurt when I'm gone," he explained softly. "I was trying to keep you safe, from those who would harm you if they found out about us, and also from your own heartbreak."

"Even if we had grown old together," I reminded him, "one of us would have died eventually. I've known since day one that I didn't get to keep you forever; not if the future is going to keep on moving forward, anyway."

"I suppose you have a point there," he allowed, pulling me into his arms.

That night, he finished telling me the parts of his Zero story that had to be left out before since I didn't know about Geass. There wasn't too much to reveal, actually, since he had come up with a lot of creative half-truths to explain away people's obedience before.

"That's got to go to your head," I muttered when he seemed to have finished. "It's an odd twist of fate that you of all people would gain that power; you who already had such grandiose plans."

"What do you suppose you'd do if you could use it then?" he countered. I chuckled.

"I'd use it on you, first off," I announced. I was sitting up on my side of the bed, and he was laying on his, but at these words he pulled himself up to look me in the face.

"What would you demand of me, then?" he inquired. I smirked mischievously.

"Koneko Monozuki commands you," I declared dramatically, "from this day forward, you will cease with the drama-queen-waving-of-your-hand-when-you-make-a-speech!"

"The what?" he queried.

"You know," I explained, "the way you always wave your hand around for dramatic emphasis. You're such a ham. I bet ten years from now they'll have 'Lelouch' in the dictionary as a synonym for 'prima donna.'" He looked startled. "Good grief, didn't you even notice that you do that?"

He shook his head mutely, and I smirked again.

"Then I'd have you set that dorky hat of yours on fire. I don't care how traditional it is, it's still a fashion nightmare."

"So in essence," he summarized with an eyebrow crooked in mock irritation, "you'd want me to drop all the things that make me Emperor. It doesn't work like that though, you know. You only get to use the power once on any person."

"Then I'd have to choose carefully what I'd ask for, huh?" I mused, flopping back down on my pillow. He looked down on me with the little fond half-smile I only rarely saw on his unguarded face.

"Lelouch," I started, and then stopped.

"What is it?" he prompted. "Do you actually have a wish?" I nodded.

"You love this world, right?" I checked in a small voice.

"I do," he replied strongly. I lifted up a hand and laid my palm across his cheek. He leaned over me to hear as I whispered my request.

"For tonight," I breathed into his ear, "do you think you could put them aside? Only until the sun rises."

"Why?" he asked, a little taken aback.

"Because the 'Geass' I would ask of you is that for tonight you could love only me and no one else."

He smiled, and I felt rather than saw it, for his lips were already pressed against mine.

"That, I think," he mumbled, "you won't need Geass for."

The next morning, I woke up to the depressing of the mattress on either side of me, as though Lelouch was leaning over me for some reason, supporting himself on the bed. This was not unusual; Lelouch always got up before I did. It was like he had an alarm clock in his brain or something, though what he did to fill the time between waking up and finally coming down for breakfast was still a mystery to me.

When I felt him press his lips to my forehead, I froze. The mattress sprang back up, and a moment later, I heard the door shut.

So, it was today then.

I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised, I contemplated as I showered and sat as still as I could manage while the maids—who were back on active duty all of a sudden—did my makeup. Today was the "March of the Condemned," the day when there would be a victory parade before the public execution of the former rebel leaders. It was only natural that Lelouch would pick this day. He wasn't actually planning on killing them. The public execution would be his own.

I was decked out in royal regalia, but made to wear manacles on my neck and wrists. It made sense for him to publicly alienate and subdue me; he had to show the people that even I wasn't on his side, here at the end.

As soon as I was dressed, some masked guards came and led me to the royal float where it stood waiting in the courtyard and had me kneel beside the throne on the top level. From there I had a good view of Tien Zi and the others as they were put up on those scaffold-things on the prisoner transports. Schniezel was tied up in front of the float, and just behind him, below the ramp where the royal emblem was displayed, I saw Nunnaly with her useless feet chained to the deck. She looked more depressed than anything else, with an expression of blank hopelessness that was mirrored on many of the other prisoners' faces as well.

A fanfare of trumpets and drums announced Lelouch's arrival, and I didn't look at him as he climbed the stairs at the side and swept past me to take his seat. I snuck a peak at his hand though, and was glad to see that it was relaxed on the arm of the throne. This was the final phase of his plan, and the part of him that loved a challenge knew that all was going according to design. He could take joy in that, and perhaps that was what kept his fear of death at bay.

There was no applause, no throwing of petals or confetti as we drove slowly through the streets. The big televisions on the buildings were all playing the news, which covered the parade from the sky and the street. The newscaster's tightly controlled voice was the only sound besides the engines of the vehicles.

"Thank you," I heard Lelouch whisper. "I'm glad you're here, at the conclusion of all this."

I was going to look up at him, but a gasp went up from the watching crowd, and I turned to see what it was, though I had a funny feeling that I already knew.

A cloaked figure stood in the middle of the road, blocking our path. He wore a mask, and was reasonably tall, though not so much as others I knew.

Zero slid one foot back, leaned forward, and charged.

Tsuzuku!

*Japanese lesson time! Obakamono: a complete and utter fool; absolute moron.

Next time in Of Curiosity and Cats:

It was Nunnaly who saved me from being a complete wreck. Her tears gave me someone to comfort, and I think if not what I do best, it's at least something I can focus single-mindedly on.

This is a tragedy, but…

It's tragedy at its finest.

Chapter 10) Crimson; As Dust Returns to Dust.