Chapter 9: They Still Can't Erase You

Dimitri was already out the door, probably suffering from the uncomfortable irony of accidentally seeing two teenage girls in bed together right after my mother accosted him for sleeping with me when I was seventeen. I pulled myself together. "Okay," I began. "I am going to go into the bathroom, and when I come back in one minute, you will both be standing here, fully clothed, and ready to explain yourselves."

They were. Staring at the second girl, I was momentarily surprised to see that she was a Moroi, tall and thin. Her hair was as long as Polina's, but deep brown and curly. A few tears leaked out of her blue-grey eyes, taking her eyeliner with them as they rolled down her cheeks. My heart went out to her, and I had to remind myself that these two were breaking the rules. I saw Polina stretch out her pinky and link it with the other girl's.

"Rose, this is Savannah," Polina said smoothly, as if we were at a cocktail party. "Savannah Conta."

Conta? I was not expecting that. No wonder they wanted to keep the relationship secret. Polina was dating a royal Moroi? I resisted the urge to congratulate her. "Nice to meet you, Savannah," I said awkwardly. "But it would have been nicer to meet you in a way that didn't involve you two breaking school rules."

I expected a sassy tirade from Polina about how hypocritical it was for me to punish anyone for breaking curfew or hooking up in inappropriate places on campus. But she was silent and scared, her pinky still clutching Savannah's. I had to make a quick decision about what to do with them. Once again, I felt a twinge of regret about giving my teachers such a hard time when I was a student. This job was not easy.

"Miss Conta," I began. "You will serve your detentions with me next Monday through Friday. 7 to 8 pm." No way was I taking away my dinner hour again, and if I only kept her for an hour, I could still have a few drinks before bed. "Meet me in the dhampir gym. If anyone asks, including Kirova, you are serving detention for… littering." Boring. Non-descript. Not the kind of thing that starts rumors. "You left some trash behind on the lunch table today. I was in a bad mood when I saw it happen." Nobody would doubt that. "That is why you're in detention. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Guardian Hathaway!" She was flat-out crying now.

"Good. Hey, Dimitri!" I called, praying he was still outside waiting for me. Thankfully, he was. "Can you please walk Savannah back to the Moroi dorms and make sure she doesn't get caught breaking curfew? Kachusova, don't go anywhere."

When we were alone, I started rooting around in the cabinets. "Want a cookie to get you through this conversation?" I asked Polina, pulling out a box. "They're probably pretty old, but maybe they're still good."

Her eyes were glued to the ground and she didn't move a muscle. I recognized the signs of her slipping into her dark place and approached her cautiously. I had seen it before, once on the day she opened up to me and a few times in training when something seemed to trigger her. She was great at hiding it when she wanted to be. In training, I could only recognize the signs because I know her so well. I suspected that her earlier calmness was for Savannah's sake. Now that her guard was down, I was nervous. Once she gets to her dark place, I can't follow and pull her out of it.

"Polya?" I had never used her Russian nickname before and was surprised to hear myself say it. "Stay with me. You're safe here. Can you hear me? You're safe." I knew better than to try to touch her. "Come sit at the kitchen table with me when you can." I took my time getting glasses of water for us, and soon, she tentatively sat down across from me. I waited, but she didn't speak.

"That was her, wasn't it," I said softly. "The Moroi you want to protect?"

Polina nodded slightly, still not meeting my eyes. "She found out," she said plainly, almost robotically. "My mom. My dad died when I was seven. Mom caught me kissing Savannah in my bedroom. We were twelve. Mom sent her home and beat the shit out of me. It was the day before I was set to come back to school, thank god. There were questions, of course. Here at school. It turns out my leg was broken, for fuck's sake. I told the doctor I fell out of a tree in my backyard. Mother confirmed it. Maybe the break was from falling. I jumped out bedroom window trying to get away. But most of the damage was done at that point, so I don't know where the break came from. I always know when it's going to rain now because my leg starts hurting first. Maybe it never healed correctly. I don't know how the neighbors didn't hear. Maybe they did and didn't want to interfere. I guess that's understandable. I never spoke to her again. My mother."

She stopped to take a breath and finally met my eyes. I was too shocked to cry, and she hadn't entirely come back to earth yet. "Savannah's parents weren't happy either, but they're royal, you know? They have appearances to keep up. Can't just beat the shit out of their daughter and blame it on a tree. Word would get out eventually. And she doesn't deserve that."

"You don't either," I finally said.

Polina shrugged, sliding back into her old self. "Rose, I'm a bitch, a slut, and a waste of talent. But Savannah isn't. She's smart. She's sweet. Maybe she isn't one of the popular girls, but anyone who gives her a chance can't help but love her. She would never do the things I've done. We haven't been a couple all these years, Savannah and I. Just the past two. I've never liked boys, but I sure as hell tried to. There was a time—early high school, I guess it was—when I really tried. I guess I just had to know, and how can you know that you don't like boys if you only fuck some of them?" Her laughter had a maniacal quality to it.

My heart broke for this younger Polina. Of course she channeled all of her energy into the goal of being attracted to boys. She attacked every task with that kind of grit and determination. She probably publicized her efforts too, or at least allowed others to talk. I could only imagine the things they said about her. The things she convinced herself were true. I felt a little bit sick.

I thought I knew love and I thought I knew war, but I had never met anyone with demons like Polina's. My mother loved me, in her own way, and I couldn't just be civil with her for one night? My relationship with Dimitri had been taboo when I was a student, but in a thrilling way. Who was I to complain about being judged?

As if she could hear my thoughts, Polina spoke up. "You understand a lot of what I'm saying. Maybe you think you don't. You downplay everything you've been through. Those molnija marks don't show half of it. I've seen you fight. When you're in combat, you don't feel anything at all. You have this badass reputation, and you deserve it. But you rely on it. If you didn't, what would you be? I'm the same as you, but weaker, and far less talented. If you weren't a guardian, you would be nothing." Her eyes suddenly widened. I think she just realized that maybe it wasn't her place to say things like that to me, but for Polina's standards, that was quite tame.

And it was true. So I ignored it.

"Do you love her?" I asked.

"More than anything."

"Would you die for her?"

"Yes."

"Then fight for her."

Author's Note: The chapter title comes from the song "Hand Me Down" by Matchbox Twenty, which might as well be the background music to this chapter.