Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, and Wendy continued to stare out into space as the ship rushed past the stars. Cartman glared at Kyle.
"Well, Kyle, you got us into this mess," he said, throwing off his jacket. "Now it's time to throw down!"
Kyle shook his head. "Cartman, we have bigger things to worry about. We're stuck on a spaceship with those two lunatics, going who KNOWS where, and we have no idea how to get back home."
"Yeah, and now we're gonna throw down!" Cartman closed in on Kyle, fists in the air. Kyle sighed, and smacked Cartman, who immediately started crying. That was all it took for Kyle to regret hitting him.
"Shit! Sshhh, shhh, Cartman, calm down!"
Stan glared at Cartman. "Cartman, if you don't shut the fuck up—!"
Aquamarine heard the noise, and turned her head. She stared at the kids, who were all staring back at her, horrified (except for Cartman, who was still crying). "That's more humans than I thought we had." Suddenly, her eyes widened. "Wait… how did you escape your cell?!"
"Run, guys!" Stan yelled. They didn't get very far, as Topaz blocked the way back into the ship's depths.
"Going somewhere?" she asked.
Aquamarine approached the kids and glared at them. "Where are the Rubies?" she asked them. "Did they escape, too?" She glared at Kyle, who rolled his eyes and glared back.
"Oh, for God's sake—I'm not one of the Rubies! I'm just some kid!"
"We freed them!" Wendy said, glaring defiantly at the alien. "They CLEARLY didn't want to go back to your planet! So we set them free. They could be absolve utely ANYWHERE on Earth by now, and you'll never find them!"
Aquamarine looked beyond pissed off. "I should kill you five right now."
"Do it, you won't," Kenny taunted.
"You IDIOTS!" Aquamarine yelled. "If you only realized the severity of what you've done…" She glanced up at Topaz. "Topaz. Take these worthless apes to the engine room. I need to make a call."
Topaz nodded. "Alright, you heard her, get moving." Topaz shepherded the kids down the stairs. Aquamarine sighed and ran her fingers through her hair.
"This is bad…" she muttered. "This is REALLY bad…" Aquamarine made her way back to the computer, and immediately made a call. "Come on… come on… pick up…"
"This is the Yellow Diamond control room," Yellow Pearl greeted. "Who authorized you to-"
"I really don't have time for this," Aquamarine said, crossing her arms. "Just patch me through to the Authority."
Yellow Pearl rolled her eyes, and pressed a button on her end. Yellow Diamond appeared onscreen.
"Greetings, Aquamarine," the dictator said. "I trust your mission went well."
Aquamarine sighed. "Yeah, listen, about that—"
"Because you do realize, if you fail me, I'm going to have that worthless Topaz in your command shattered and replaced."
Aquamarine stopped. "I… Yes, I fully understand the consequences of failure."
"Excellent. Now then, the mission status?"
"Uh…" Aquamarine stared back at the stairs, making sure Topaz wasn't listening. "Yes, um… I've… captured the Rubies. I'm bringing them back to Homeworld now. I just… need to make a stop at the Zoo, first. I've captured several humans, you see."
"Hmm, I'm sure Blue will be pleased to hear that," Yellow Diamond muttered. "Well, you needn't worry about the detour. As it happens, I was on my way to the Zoo myself."
"Excellent!" Aquamarine said, suddenly becoming even more worried. "Great, that's… that's fantastic." This wasn't good. Several months ago, Yellow Diamond discovered Topaz's attempted mutiny via security footage that Aquamarine had neglected to wipe after the fact, and was going to have her executed. Aquamarine agreed to capture the Rubies under the condition that Topaz's life would be spared. She wasn't sure WHY, she just… felt sort of bad for her, she'd guessed.
Topaz, of course, was blissfully unaware that her life was in any danger. Had she known, she likely would have defected. This mission was meant to keep all parties happy, but those South Park kids fucked it all up.
If Topaz was going down, Aquamarine was going to make sure those kids paid for it. She couldn't wait to get to the Zoo, so she could tell the Gems who ran it to make sure their lives were so miserable—
"Are you still there?" Yellow Diamond asked. "You're spacing out. Don't tell me we've lost connection."
Aquamarine snapped back to attention. "Uh, n-no, we haven't. I must be going now. I'll be at the zoo shortly."
"I look forward to seeing you," Yellow Diamond responded. "Oh, and Aquamarine?"
"Yes?"
"I know you're a part of Blue's court, but while you're on this mission, I would like to be treated as one of my own subjects would treat me, is that clear?"
"Yes, My Diamond."
"Excellent. I'll see you soon." The call ended, and Aquamarine groaned.
"Why couldn't this be easy?" she muttered to herself.
The ship approached the moon-sized starship which housed Blue Diamond's Zoo. The station itself orbited Tilapias IX, a ringed planet which was once inhabited by a race of aliens that were similar in appearance to Tilapiine fish, except that they all had hairy human legs and big bear arms.
They're all extinct now.
Anyway, the ship pulled into the landing bay, which pretty much looked exactly like the Death Star's docking bay, except it was smaller and had less Red Shirts running around. The Zoo's manager, Holly Blue Agate, stood at the end of the bay, watching as the ship landed. The ship's doors opened. Aquamarine and Topaz stepped out, with the children in tow. Holly Blue smirked.
"That's quite the haul you've got there," she said.
Aquamarine frowned. "Ahem. Topaz. Take these humans to processing."
Topaz nodded. "Let's go," she said.
"Dude, this is super weak," Cartman muttered.
"Now, Aquamarine, I'm sure you've heard already, the Authority is meeting here tonight," Holly Blue informed Aquamarine as they walked in the other direction. "I'm certain they'll want to speak to you personally about the mission you were just on!" She looked over at the ship, and frowned. "Erm… where are the other prisoners?"
"Can you keep a secret?" Aquamarine asked.
"If I must."
"I failed the mission."
Holly Blue stopped. A slightly frightened look appeared on her face; a moment later, however, she laughed. "Oh, that is a good one," she chuckled. "You almost had me there. But please. Don't make those jokes around the Diamonds. It'll make us both look bad."
"It wasn't a joke," Aquamarine grumbled. "I was unable to retrieve the rogue Ruby squadron."
Holly Blue stamped her foot and glared. "That really isn't funny anymore, please-"
"Those humans helped them escape."
"Oh, dear, you're serious, aren't you?" Holly Blue looked around to make sure nobody was listening. "Do you know how bad this is? If the Diamonds catch wind of this, that Topaz is—"
"Yes, I know what's going to happen to Topaz," Aquamarine said in a hushed tone. "I just… I need you to stall."
"Stall?"
"Yes, stall! I need time to figure out what I'm going to do. If either Blue or Yellow Diamond asks where I am, just tell them…" Aquamarine tried to come up with a good excuse, but she couldn't. "I don't know. Just tell them SOMETHING so you can buy me time."
"You do realize such treachery could wind us BOTH up in hot water," Holly said, unamused.
"It won't if they don't find OUT about it!" Aquamarine glanced down at her fingernails, not making eye contact with Holly Blue. "Or perhaps I should tell Our Diamond about the little infiltration on this very base by a group of well-known rebels?"
Holly Blue stopped in her tracks. "Who told you about that?"
"Word gets around, Holly," Aquamarine answered with a menacing tone to her words. "I wonder who the Authority will be angrier at? Me, for losing a few prisoners, or you, for the absolutely unacceptable security breach?"
Holly Blue looked around, again, as if someone were listening. She then leaned in to whisper something to Aquamarine. "I'll buy you as much time as I can, but they'll want to see you eventually."
"I knew I could count on you," Aquamarine said, nodding.
The kids were dragged through the halls by Topaz, who herself was being escorted by two Amethyst guards.
"Man, this is some bullshit," Cartman grumbled.
"Shut up, Cartman," Stan replied. "You've been complaining since we got here."
"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot I was supposed to maintain a positive attitude while being enslaved by a bunch of alien Nazis." Cartman noticed one of the Amethysts was glaring at him. "Oh, sorry, sorry. 'Alt-Right'. I forgot that's what we call Nazis now."
"Since when do you hate Nazis?" Kyle said sarcastically.
Cartman shrugged. "Well, I thought they were pretty cool. Then I got enslaved by some. Now it's not so cool. I finally understand the plight of your people, Kyle."
"Shut up, Cartman…" Kenny muttered, his words muffled.
"Alright, this is it," one of the Amethysts said. "The Human Disposal Chute."
"Disposal?!" Kenny asked, eyes widening. "Oh, fuck, dude."
"Alright, kid, you first," the Amethyst said as she picked up Kenny and tossed him into the chute.
Kenny yelled as the door closed behind him. Realizing he was on a conveyor belt, he tried to get the door back open, to no avail. The belt began to move, dragging Kenny with it. He looked out the glass windows and became even more worried upon realizing he was currently being suspended in space.
"Thank you for choosing AssimiLink, a Galactic Federation Operating System!" Kenny heard a smarmy male voice suddenly blast through the area. The sudden noise startled him and hurt his ears. "Congratulations! You're the first human to use our BRAND NEW human assimilation system! Welcome to Blue Diamond's famous zoo, which attracts visitors from across the galaxy! Please state your name and home planet! Para español, presione seis."
"Fuck you, dude!" Kenny yelled back.
"Welcome, ＦＵＣＫ ＹＯＵ, from the planet, ＤＵＤＥ. We hope you enjoy your new home! Please wait while we calibrate you."
"What?!" Kenny looked up. Two mechanical arms extended from the ceiling of the very cramped hallway Kenny was in. They grabbed him and began to tear at his clothes. "Oh, shit- FUCK! God damn it!" Kenny resisted, not that it did much. His orange parka lay in front of him, torn into pieces. A vacuum came and cleaned up the remains. Kenny now sat, totally naked, in the middle of a transparent tube going through outer space. Some kind of liquid was sprayed on him after that, completely drenching him. After that, a blow dryer blew at Kenny with incredible force, completely drying him off.
Next, an arm holding two new articles of clothing extended in front of Kenny. He struggled as the arms began to fit him with a blue vest and a white loincloth, with a simple belt to keep it all together. Once that was done, he was brought to a section of the chute that was covered in reflective walls, so he could look at his new appearance.
"This fucking sucks…" he muttered, his true voice now unobscured by the thick parka he once wore. Finally, a small pair of diamond-shaped earrings was lowered in front of him. "Oh, hell no." Another mechanical arm lowered itself to maneuver his messy blonde hair. His ears were pierced painfully, and the earrings were placed in the holes. "Ow! Fuck!"
The earrings began to glow. "Calibration complete," the same voice from before said. "ＦＵＣＫ ＹＯＵ, from the planet, ＤＵＤＥ, your serial number is SP-69. We hope you enjoy your new home. Goodbye!"
"What?" The floor opened up beneath Kenny, although before he could scream, he fell into a pool of water. Kenny held his breath as he was jettisoned through a watery tunnel. He was then shot out of a fountain, and landed face-first on what appeared to be a beach, where the others were already waiting for him, wearing the same doofy outfit he'd been forced to wear. They were all missing their hats as well.
"Oh my god!" Stan yelled. "They killed-"
Kenny started coughing, and spat out the water in his throat. He stood up, and looked around. Where… was he?
"Oh, never mind," Stan corrected himself.
Wendy raised an eyebrow. "Kyle, did you get a haircut?"
Kyle shrugged. "Yeah, a little while back."
"It looks nice!"
Stan looked a little surprised by that exchange. He was immediately distracted, however, by Cartman.
"Man, this outfit sucks," he bitched. "Everyone can see my avocados."
"Nobody's staring at your balls, Cartman," Kyle responded, glaring. "We're too busy trying to figure out where the hell we are."
"Well, good, I don't want people staring at my balls!" Cartman argued back. "Kenny. You hear that, Kenny, don't look at my balls."
"I'm not looking at your-"
"I know poor people will do anything to get their rocks off, Kenny, so don't even think about it!"
"Cartman, shut up, nobody's staring at your testicles!" Stan yelled, attempting to put an end to the argument. "Now can we all just stop talking about Cartman's balls and start figuring out what's going on here?"
Wendy tapped his shoulder. "Look," she said, pointing to another group of humans several feet away, sitting on a different end of the beach. "We're not alone."
"Maybe they know a way out of here!" Kyle said. "Come on, let's go." The kids followed Kyle to the other group, which consisted of two men and one woman, who appeared to just be sitting on the beach, staring at the water. One of the men was tall and tan-skinned, with wavy black hair and well-toned muscles. The other was a little scrawnier and paler, with blonde hair. The woman was also blonde-haired, and her delicate face was—it didn't matter, because these details were all lost on Kenny, who was just staring at the woman's tits, which were barely contained by the vest she was wearing.
"Nice!" he said when they got to the group. Stan smacked Kenny over the back of the head. "Ow!"
"Dude, not cool."
The humans turned and smiled at the kids. "Ah, it is newcomers!" the dark-haired man said merrily. "Greetings, friends! Welcome to paradise!"
"Okay, that's great," Stan said, not really listening. "Look, we're not really supposed to be here, so-"
The blonde man stood up and approached the children. "You know, you five are first to come here in very long time! Not since Ga-Reg and Ste-Von have new faces been seen!"
"Okay, cool. Listen—"
"Come! Follow! We will show you paradise!" The men and the woman all stood up, and began walking into the trees. Stan shrugged, and he and the other kids started to follow. "It is good that Ocean God brought you here! Your timing is the most of impeccable-ness!"
Cartman groaned at their broken English, but Wendy was curious. "Why? What's so special about the timing?" she asked.
"The Ritual begins today!" the woman said excitedly. "It is most exciting that you should be arrived today!" Because of the way she had her arms positioned, her breasts were pressing up against each other, which Kenny thought was awesome.
"What exactly is this 'ritual'?" Kyle asked.
"Oh, that is a surprise!" the blonde man said. "It is something we created after Ga-Reg and Ste-Von left. We would not want it to be spoiled!"
Kyle smiled. "You hear that, you guys?" he whispered to the others. "Whoever Ga-Reg and Ste-Von were, they got out."
"Right, right, OR—" Cartman began, "they 'left'. Through a cannon, into the sun."
"What?"
"I'm just saying, I don't trust these guys," Cartman explained. "For all we know, they killed Ga-Reg and Ste-Von and ate them."
Kyle rolled his eyes. "Please, Cartman, that's ridi-"
"Cartman's right," Wendy said.
"What?!"
"Oh, so now you're on Cartman's side?" Stan asked, also slightly surprised.
"This is new territory, even for us," Wendy continued. "We don't know WHERE we are, we don't know WHO these people are… those aliens have some pretty futuristic tech. We don't even know if these people are really PEOPLE, and if they are, they've been isolated from the rest of humanity for who KNOWS how long? And it just so HAPPENS that Ste-Von and Ga-Reg left as soon as they came? I don't think so. We just need to watch our step, that's all. We can't rely on these people to help us."
Stan nodded. "I guess that makes sense."
Kyle shook his head. "No, it doesn't. If these people were crazy, they would have killed EACH OTHER by now. You guys are being paranoid."
"Kyle, we're in SPACE right now," Stan argued. "Paranoid is going to keep us alive."
"At least Kenny agrees with me! Right Kenny?" Kyle glanced over at Kenny, who was still staring at the woman's boobs. "Kenny?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah, Cartman and Wendy are right, we could totally die here."
"Then why do you look so excited?"
Kenny just grinned, and his gaze moved down to the Zoo Woman's ass. Kyle facepalmed.
Aquamarine sat in her ship, staring at the computer. Her stress levels were through the roof, as she'd been spending the last half hour trying to figure out ways to save Topaz's butt. The only thing she could think of… well, it would make them BOTH targets of the Authority.
...which begged the question, how far would they be willing to go to dole out punishment? Would they really seek them both out, across numerous galaxies…
"What am I thinking?!" Aquamarine suddenly said out loud. The solution she'd just been thinking of was treasonous. She was considering running. There was clearly something very wrong with her. Why would she run from her fantastic job and risk pissing off her very kind and generous rulers for a worthless lackey like Topaz?
...except, Aquamarine realized, Topaz wasn't worthless. Otherwise, she wouldn't be trying so hard to save her. Aquamarine might have been verbally and, in one or two instances, physically abusive in the past, but… she cared about Topaz. That was weird to think about. She cared about somebody. That wasn't a feeling she was used to.
...and she was so mean to Topaz! My goodness, what was wrong with her? People who care about others aren't so incessantly mean like that! Was that something she'd been taught by her rulers, or was she to blame for her own behavior? Perhaps it was a little of both.
...regardless of how much she cared about Topaz, Aquamarine also cared about her mission and her planet, which meant that running from this was not an option. But letting Topaz get shattered was also not an option. There had to be some kind of third option that wasn't being considered. There needed to be a way to make everyone happy. Perhaps if she tricked some OTHER, worthless Topaz into posing as her own—
"Hey, boss?" Topaz said, poking her head into the ship's bridge. "I delivered those kids."
"Ah, Topaz!" Aquamarine said, surprised she was back so quickly. "Uhhh, welcome back!"
"...what?"
"How, uh, how was your trip?"
"...why do you care?"
"I don't care!" Aquamarine denied. "I mean, I do. But only because I need to fill out this report."
Topaz looked more than a little confused. She shook it off, however, and shrugged. "Eh. There's not much to tell. You told me to take the kids to get processed. I did. They got processed."
"Great, great, fantastic! That, uh… that sure is what I told you to do!"
Topaz gave Aquamarine a weird look. "What is this?"
"What?"
"What are you doing right now?"
"Nothing, no, nothing at all!"
Topaz sighed. "Look, if you're planning on yelling at me for losing those Rubies, can you just get it over with? I'm tired of waiting."
"Yell at you? Why would I yell at you?"
"Because that's something you would do and have done several times before?"
Aquamarine groaned. "Topaz, what happened was NOT your fault. YOU did great. Those bratty human children are to blame for this mess, and I assure you, they are paying dearly for their transgressions right now."
"I sure hope Yellow Diamond sees it that way," Topaz muttered. "Wouldn't want you to get in trouble over this."
Yellow Pearl marched through the halls of the space station. Where was that worthless manager…? Yellow Diamond was expecting Aquamarine any minute now, and the fact that she wasn't here yet was aggravating enough, but now Holly Blue Agate was nowhere to be found.
As she walked past a couple of Amethysts, they chuckled and elbowed each other.
"Hey. 3F6R. Check it out. The dog got loose." They both snickered as Pearl stopped and sighed. "Hey, Pearl, where's your handler at?" They continued to snicker.
"Very funny, you two," Pearl said, turning around and glaring. "I don't suppose you know where Holly Blue Agate is?"
Amethyst 3F6R snorted. "Snrk. I don't know. Why don't you try sniffing her out?" The Amethysts started laughing even harder. "Come on, Fido, put that nose to good use!"
The other Amethyst, Amethyst 2L9G, was trying—and failing—to contain a very deep laugh. "Yeah! Or maybe try looking in the dark… you have night vision, right?"
"Hey, aren't you color blind?" 3F6R asked, snickering. "How do you even know you're serving the right Diamond?" That seemed to be the breaking point, as they both fell over in tears.
Pearl rolled her eyes. "If you two aren't going to be any help, I'll be going now."
"Hey, lighten up, Odie! What, did Garfield kick you off the table again?"
"For your information, I am not an 'Odie', I am almost certainly a 'Jon Arbuckle'."
"Oof. That's pretty sad."
"Second of all, I have been given VERY important orders from Yellow Diamond, so you'd best respect me the same way you'd respect Holly Blue Agate!"
Amethyst 3F6R stood up and shrugged. "We don't respect her."
"That's very sad."
"No, SHE'S very sad. She's a REAL Jon Arbuckle."
"What's this about Jon Arbuckle?" Holly Blue said as she came down the hall.
"Oh, we were just telling Old Yeller over here about how you're a huge Jon Arbuckle and your life is going nowhere."
Pearl scrunched her nose up in disgust. "Why don't you discipline these worthless Earth Quartzes?"
Amethyst 3F6R started to snicker again. "Yeah. Discipline us. We've been very naughty. Punish us, master."
"Oh my word, that's disgusting," Pearl said.
"Oh, don't pretend you wouldn't LOVE for Yellow Diamond to smack your ass with a riding crop."
Holly Blue groaned and placed a hand over her face. "Amethyst, please knock it off."
"Aw, I'm just giving her a hard time."
"Yes, I know, but now isn't really the best time. Run along, now."
"Fine." The Amethysts marched away, although 3F6R made a rather vulgar gesture with her tongue and two of her fingers before leaving.
"Your soldiers don't respect me one bit," Pearl said, glaring.
"That's okay. Nobody respects you," Holly Blue said. "Not even I do. Now then, what was it you needed?"
"Aquamarine's ship has docked in your hangar, has it not?" Pearl asked, raising an eyebrow. "Why hasn't she reported to Yellow Diamond yet?"
"My word, you're impatient."
"The Authority is impatient, Holly," Pearl quickly snapped back. "If Aquamarine values her gem, she'll know that punctuality is key."
"Of course she knows this. She's simply… getting the cargo ready."
"It's four Rubies."
"And she wants them to look nice when they're punished for their insubordination!" Holly dismissed. "Surely YOU know that looking nice is important in any situation." She looked Pearl up and down. "Oh. Hmm. I suppose you don't."
"So is she dressing up the Topaz, too?"
"...excuse me?"
"The Topaz is to be executed once the Rubies are delivered."
Holly Blue shook her head. "No, I believe you're mistaken, the Topaz is to be SPARED once the Rubies are delivered. That's what Yellow Diamond said."
Pearl blinked slowly. "She lied."
"What?!"
Pearl rolled her eyes. "Well, don't act surprised! As if Aquamarine would have cooperated otherwise. She HAD to lie, otherwise the Rubies would NEVER be captured."
"When Aquamarine finds out about this—"
"—it'll already be too late," Pearl finished. "Stay out of this. It isn't your business. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go find her." She pushed past Holly Blue Agate and marched away. The Quartz manager simply watched as she left.
"Oof," she heard from behind her. She turned around and glared at the two Amethysts. "That's pretty rough."
"This isn't funny," Holly said, crossing her arms. "This is serious."
"Yeah. If only there was something we could do to save Topaz," Amethyst 3F6R snickered. "Oh, wait! There totally is. Fuck that bitch Pearl, SHE can go back empty-handed."
"What you're suggesting is treasonous," Holly commented.
"Pfft. It's only treason if they find out that you're the one who did it," 3F6R snorted.
The other Amethyst leaned against the wall and smirked. "If, on the other hand, somebody," she pointed down the hall, "say, a Pearl, were to ACCIDENTALLY set a group of humans free from the zoo, and they just HAPPEN to steal a space ship that just HAPPENS to have Topaz on it, well, then Yellow Diamond doesn't have anybody to blame but herself."
"And how exactly do you intend to get Yellow Diamond's Pearl to do that?" Holly asked, raising an eyebrow. "You know what? Never mind. I don't want to know. I want plausible deniability when this goes terribly wrong." She started to walk away. "If you succeed, please, do let me know. If you fail, we never had this talk."
"Right on," 3F6R replied, giving Holly Blue Agate finger guns. "Glad you're on the right side, boss."
"I don't know what you're talking about!" Holly yelled from down the hall.
Simulated night time was falling in the Zoo. The humans gathered around a fire and awaited further instructions.
"So… what are we waiting for?" Kyle asked the Zooman next to him.
"The Choosening is about to begin!" the Zooman responded. "If you are lucky, you will be Choosened to mate!"
Kyle blinked. "I'm ten!"
Kenny grinned. Now he was excited. "Oh, fuck yeah…" he muttered happily.
Wendy cringed a little. "Uh… I don't think I'm comfortable with this," she said. "Can we just… sit this one out?"
Another Zooman shrugged. "It is your first one. Perhaps you will not be Choosened! Ste-Von did not get Choosened his first night."
"That's because they ate him," Cartman whispered to Kyle, who glared at him.
"Shut up, Cartman, no they didn't."
Cartman shrugged. "You seem really defensive of them, Kyle. How do we know YOU aren't in on it?"
"We got here at the same time, fatass!"
"Can you guys knock it off?" Stan asked. "We need to focus on staying alive."
"Sure, if Kyle doesn't kill us, first."
"You know, Cartman, you're such a fat fuck, if they decided to kill you and eat you, you could feed the whole group for months!"
"His hunger for flesh is already overwhelming him," Cartman noted.
Everyone's earrings lit up. "It's time for the Meet 'n' Fuck Festival!" the smarmy voice said.
Stan blinked. "That… is that really what it's called?"
The buff Zooman nodded. "The voice you hear is not the original! The new voice is much nicer!"
"Thank you for the compliment, XY-42! Please enjoy this treat to show my gratitude!" Some biscuit crumbs rained down from the sky, and the Zooman excitedly picked them up and started munching. The kids just stared at him while he demeaned himself by grabbing the tiny biscuit crumbs from off the floor.
"The Festival can now begin!" the voice continued. "First up—XX-55."
The large-breasted blonde woman Kenny had been eyeing looked really excited. She stood up. "That is me! I have been Choosened!"
"Your partner will be… SP-69!"
Kenny perked up and grinned. "Aw, fuck yeah!" he yelled.
XX-55 held out her hand. "Come, Keh-Knee! We have been Choosened!"
"He's nine," Wendy felt the need to point out. "You realize you're about to go mate with a nine year old, right?"
Buff Zooman laughed. "Oh, When-Die! Age is but a number!"
"Yeah, and plus, Kenny seems super into it," Stan observed as Kenny and XX-55 walked into the woods together.
Wendy rolled her eyes. "We need to get out of here. ASAP."
"Next-up," the voice began again, "SP-33!"
Wendy raised an eyebrow. "Stan, do something. That's me."
"Oh, shit."
"Your partner will be… SP-97!"
Kyle blinked. "Hey, wait, that's me."
Wendy sighed in relief. "Oh, thank god."
Stan raised his eyebrows in surprise; then, he slowly started to glare at Kyle.
"SP-90!" The voice said. Cartman perked up and smiled. "Your partner will be… nobody!" Cartman frowned as a sad trombone noise came from his earring.
"Hey, why the hell not?" Cartman asked the voice.
"Your genes have been deemed unsafe and irresponsible to pass on to newer generations! We hope you understand—you will never mate with anyone ever. Happy Valentine's Day!"
Cartman glared at the sky for a moment. His glare, however, gradually turned into a look of sadness. He watched as the others were paired up—Stan was paired with some other woman—and he was eventually left alone by the fire.
The second he could, Stan ditched his partner and left to go find Wendy and Kyle. He found them, sitting underneath a tree.
"Oh, Stan, there you are!" Kyle said. "Guess we got pretty lucky back there, huh? How'd you end up ditching your partner?"
Stan just continued to glare at Kyle. "She tripped on a tree branch and I ran," he said.
Cartman approached the tree, looking super bummed out. "Man, this place is fuckin' bullshit."
Wendy counted heads. "Hey, where's Kenny?"
Kyle rolled his eyes. "Having the time of his life, probably. This shit's a dream come true for him."
Wendy sighed. "Poor Kenny… he's going to end up traumatized from this!"
Stan approached Kyle. "Hey, Kyle, can I talk to you for a second? Alone?"
R
"Yeah, sure," Kyle said, standing up. He walked with Stan to an isolated part of the woods. "You know, Wendy and I have been trying to figure out a way to get out of here. This shit's tough."
"Dude, what the fuck is your problem?" Stan asked in a rather hostile manner.
Kyle didn't understand the question. "...I'm… sorry?"
"What, it wasn't enough that you stole Cartman's girlfriend, you have to take Wendy, too?"
Kyle tilted his head. "Stan, what the hell are you talking about?"
"You KNOW what I'm talking about, asshole!" Stan accused. "You're sitting here getting paired up with her and making plans with her behind my back! What else don't I know?"
Kyle rolled his eyes. "Oh, for Christ's sake," he said. He started to glare at Stan. "Stan, you're being dumb. How could I POSSIBLY have had anything to do with that ceremony? That was just dumb luck."
"Oh, so you think it's 'lucky' that you got paired with Wendy?"
"Yes, stupid!" Kyle yelled. "The alternative is getting groped by a bunch of feral man-babies! If Wendy HADN'T been paired with one of us, she'd have been paired with one of THEM! Is that what you want?"
"Kyle, just stay away from her, okay?"
"She isn't even your girlfriend, dumbass!" Kyle challenged. "You broke up last year. Why do YOU care about ANY of this?"
"I just… just back off, okay? God!" Stan angrily marched away.
"You know, we have more important things to worry about!" Kyle yelled after him. "Like getting off of this fucking space station!" Stan was gone. Kyle was all alone in the woods now. "Son of a bitch!"
Yellow Pearl continued to wander the halls of the orbital station. She was getting a little annoyed, now—nobody knew where Aquamarine was. She was on her way to the main hangar, where the little midget's ship was docked. As she rounded a corner, she was blocked by those two Amethysts from earlier.
"Heyyyy, P!" 3F6R greeted. "How's it hangin'?"
"Ugh. You two. Move it."
"Hey, listen, do you think you could help us with something?" the more obnoxious of the two Amethysts continued.
"No, I'm on a very important—"
"Right, right. Listen. We're in a bit of a pickle." 3F6R wrapper her arm around Pearl's shoulders, which disgusted her. "See, we accidentally locked ourselves out of the control panel that opens the zoo maintenance doors, and we can't remember the password."
"Typical. Imbeciles."
"That's right!" 2L9G nodded her head. "We're so very stupid! We were created on Earth, you see, so we have tiny, tiny Earth brains! You, on the other hand, have a big, big Homeworld brain! Me me too dumb understand computers! You smart smart Pearl!"
Pearl smirked. "Hmm. That is true. I am your intellectual superior."
"You're practically a genius!" 3F6R complimented. "That's why we need your help! We're too dumb and helpless to use the control panel!"
Pearl looked satisfied. She straightened her posture, closed her eyes, and smiled. "That's correct! I AM a genius! Please, lead the way, I'll fix your machine for you, since you're OBVIOUSLY too incompetent to do it yourself."
The Amethysts smirked at each other and led Pearl to the Zoo's entrance.
The Zoomans gathered around a fire pit. One human was cooking a delicious-looking slab of meat. Wendy looked around at the attendants.
"Well, there's Kenny's 'mate'," she said, pointing to the blonde woman. "...but where's Kenny?" She glanced over at Stan, who seemed upset about something. "Stan?"
Stan was shooting Kyle a death glare. Kyle looked uncomfortable. Cartman was still bummed out that he wasn't Choosened. Wendy sighed, and stared at the fire.
XY-42 stood up. "Everyone! It is so great to be here, for the first ever Festival of Giving!" Everyone cheered, and he began to remove the meat from the fire. "The excitement is incredible! How did the mating ceremony go for everyone?"
Kenny's mate, Zooman XX-55, stood up. "The ceremony was spectacular! It was a great success!"
Wendy shook her head. "I can't believe Kenny went along with that…"
XY-42 stared at Wendy. "What about you, When-Die and Kai-Luh?"
Stan continued to glare at Kyle. "Yeah, Kyle, how did it go? How was it fucking Wendy?"
Wendy blinked. "Oh, my god."
"We didn't DO anything, Stan!" Kyle yelled, now thoroughly annoyed. "You KNOW that!"
"Fuck you, Kyle, you're a fucking liar!"
Wendy placed a hand on Stan's shoulder. "Stan, calm down."
"You were right there with us!" Kyle continued to lecture Stan. "You know fully well I'm not interested in Wendy! She has pimples on her forehead and her bottom teeth are crooked."
Wendy was glaring at Kyle now, too. "Okay, thank you, Kyle, that wasn't necessary."
XY-42 knelt down behind the kids. "Children, please! Relax! This is a positive society, not a negative one! Let us eat, the Festival of Giving is upon us now!" Another Zooman offered the kids a chunk of meat. They reluctantly grabbed it and started eating. Stan and Kyle continued to glare at each other. Wendy looked down at her food.
"This tastes… funny…" she muttered. "What's in this?"
"It was a gift!" XY-42 exclaimed. "Procured by XX-55 herself!"
"Right, but what's IN it? I don't recognize the taste."
XX-55 smiled. "The meat was a gift from Keh-Ny."
Stan stopped glaring at Kyle just long enough to stare at the woman. "Whoa, whoa, wait, where did Kenny get meat?"
The woman shrugged. "I was impressed too! He had a lot of it on him!"
Wendy stared back down at the chunk she was eating. "...on him…?"
"That was Kenny's gift to us all!" XY-42 exclaimed. "The meat from his bones will feed us for days!"
"What the fuck?!" Stan yelled, throwing down the meat he'd been eating. The others did the same—Wendy puked. "We ATE Kenny!"
"Jesus Christ, dude!" Kyle yelled. "What's wrong with you people?!"
"Oh, I KNEW it!" Cartman yelled. "I knew these assholes were cannibals, but YOU GUYS didn't believe me. Kyle."
"Oh my god!" Wendy yelled, still horrified that she'd eaten Kenny. "These people are a bunch of sick fucks!"
XY-42 frowned. "I do not understand. We have fed you. What is the problem?"
"There's fruit on the trees, why couldn't we just eat that, you psychotic assholes?!" Stan screamed at the Zoomans. "What, you needed a little human flesh in your diets?!"
"Oh. I see!" the man laughed. "You do not understand the ritual! You see, for generations and generations, we saw no new arrivals in our little paradise! We believed we were the only ones of our kind!"
Cartman hummed. "Hmm. So what you're saying is you're all fucking inbred. No wonder they're cannibals."
"Then, Ga-Reg and Ste-Von arrived. Ga-Reg broke our hearts. And then they left us. We were all devastated!"
Kyle glared at the Zoomans around him. "So, did they ACTUALLY leave? Or did you psychos kill them, too?"
The man looked a little more bitter, now, as he glared into the woods behind him. "There was a commotion, and Ga-Reg and Ste-Von left through a large set of doors in the woods. Since then, we vowed to NEVER let new friends leave us. We resolved to begin sacrificing all newcomers, and consuming their flesh so that a part of them would always be with us."
"That's so fucked up…" Wendy muttered.
"What happens when you crap him out?" Cartman interrupted.
"...what?"
"When you eat, you shit and then it's not in your body anymore. So when you crap Kenny out he's gonna be gone for good, unless you eat your own feces." The entire group just stared blankly at Cartman. "Are you gonna eat your own feces to keep Kenny with you?"
"...we will… lose Keh-Ny when we defecate?
"Yeah, bro. Human flesh doesn't go down well either, just ask Scott Tenorman."
Stan realized something. "Wait a second. Are you gonna eat US and then crap us out?"
This brought the man out of his confusion. He smiled, and nodded. "Of course we will! We wish to be with you forever!"
"Oh, shit!" Kyle yelled. "Run, guys!" He, Stan, Wendy and Cartman got up and ran into the woods.
"After them!" the human leader yelled. "We must make them a part of us, and then perhaps figure out a way to not defecate later!" The entire group of humans ran after the kids, who were desperately running for their lives. They weaved around trees, slid down hills, and hopped across a river, but the cannibals were still gaining on them. Kyle looked ahead.
"Guys! Look!" He pointed to what appeared to be a large metal door on a wall across from them. "That must be the way out!"
"But how do we get it open?!" Wendy asked, glancing frantically behind her.
The Amethysts and Pearl approached the maintenance door. "Yeah, this is the one," 3F6R said. "Can you get us into the computer?"
Pearl smiled smugly. "Don't worry your tiny, ape-like brain about it. I will figure out what's wrong. You haven't changed the password, have you?" Four colored diamonds appeared on-screen. Whenever one was touched, it let out a unique musical tone. Pearl began tapping the symbols to the tune of Funky Town. Once she was done, the screen unlocked. "There. It's unlocked. Now, if you don't need anything else—"
"Teach us how to use it."
"...excuse me?"
The Amethysts snickered and glanced at each other. "We forgot how to use it. We've got goldfish memory. Teach us how to use it."
"You're kidding, right?"
"Can you at LEAST tell us what this button does?" 3F6R said, pointing to one button in particular.
Pearl rolled her eyes and tapped the button. "You mean this one? The one that opens the door?"
"Yeah, the one you just pressed."
Pearl's eyes widened. She stared at the button, which her finger was still sitting on. "Oh, no."
The door suddenly opened. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Wendy ran through.
"Gee, thanks!" Kyle said as he pushed past Yellow Pearl, who looked absolutely mortified.
"Wait- get back here!" Pearl closed the door the second the boys were out to ensure others didn't escape as well.
"Oof. That's pretty rough," 2L9G sighed. "Can't believe you just let those humans go free. That's pretty embarrassing. Wonder what the boss is gonna say about that?"
"You two tricked me!"
The Amethysts smirked at each other once again. "I don't know what you're talking about," 3F6R said, shrugging. "The security cams don't lie. YOU'RE the one who pushed the button. ...well. We need to get back to work. See you around, P! Good luck!" The Amethysts left Pearl alone. Pearl, meanwhile, was mentally working out how she was going to explain this to Her Diamond.
Once they had cleared the zoo, the kids stopped to catch their breaths. Kyle approached Stan.
"Stan, listen, you need to understand," he said, continuing their argument from earlier, "I have NO interest in dating Wendy. Especially not NOW, while we're stuck in outer space. She used to be your girlfriend and I respect that."
Stan sighed. "I know, Kyle. I'm sorry."
Cartman glanced over at a large opened door nearby. He stepped into the doorway to glance into the room beyond, and raised his eyebrows. "Uh oh. Hey, guys?"
The kids stepped into the doorway as well to see what Cartman was seeing.
Two large Gems, one yellow and one blue, stood in the center of the room, their backs to the door. The yellow one had her arms behind her back.
"Our subjects on the Gem Homeworld are becoming restless," the blue one said. "They're all terrified that… the end is near. We need to assure them that—"
"The end IS near," Yellow cut her off. "There's no point in hiding it anymore. The prophecy hasn't lied yet."
"There must be something we can—"
"We tried, centuries ago. Rose Quartz was the catalyst that set these events into motion, and I'm afraid our failure to destroy her has doomed our kind."
Stan raised an eyebrow. "Rose Quartz?"
Aquamarine marched towards the room, her head down. There was no working around it. She had to report her failure to her superiors. Topaz was done. She looked up, and saw the kids standing at the door. "You four!" she said, though Kyle shushed her.
"Shh! Look!" Aquamarine stared into the room.
"The prophecy states that the apocalypse will occur on a planet inhabited by Gems," Blue said. "The Gem Homeworld is not the only planet inhabited by Gems."
Kyle gasped. "There are Gems on Earth…"
Yellow nodded in response to Blue's statement. "Yes. Several of the prophecy's clauses refer to events that have occurred on Earth. Rose Quartz's war against the human nation of Canada is one example."
"Canada?" Wendy whispered. "What does Canada have to do with this?"
"So why are we worrying our subjects when the apocalypse isn't even likely to happen on our own planet?"
Yellow turned around and smiled. "Gems are becoming disenfranchised with our leadership. If they believe the end of the world is near, they'll turn to US for guidance. And when no such apocalypse occurs? They'll believe WE saved them."
Kyle glared at the Diamonds. "That's so dirty!"
Aquamarine narrowed her eyes. Her Diamonds… were lying to everyone! For their own personal gain! They were PROBABLY going to kill Topaz even if she'd succeeded on her mission.
Kyle glanced at Aquamarine, and noticed her glare. "Hey. Can you really defend this?"
"No, I can't," she said, with a bit of contempt in her voice. She knew now what she had to do to save Topaz. As for these kids… "You four. Follow me."
"Where are you taking us?" Cartman asked.
"Shut up, keep quiet, don't draw attention to yourself." Aquamarine led the kids through the halls of the space station. They passed the two Amethysts on their way back to the hangar.
"Whoa, whoa, where are you guys going?" 3F6R asked. "The Pearl is down this way. Take THIS hall," she directed, pointing down another hallway. "This way's longer, but nobody will see you. Good luck."
Aquamarine nodded. "Thank you."
The group made it to the hangar, where Aquamarine's ship sat.
Okay, technically, the Authority owned the ship. But it was Aquamarine's ship now. Topaz stood outside the door, and raised an eyebrow when she saw the kids. "Hey, uh, why are they back?"
Aquamarine opened the door and smiled. "New orders. We're taking them back."
"Blue Diamond doesn't want 'em?"
Aquamarine laughed. "Oh, darling, she's not our boss anymore! We're freelancers!"
Topaz' eyes widened. "Freelancers? You don't mean-?"
"Your 'Authority' is casting you aside," Kyle said. "You don't work for them anymore."
Dazed, Topaz just watched as the kids entered the ship. Aquamarine stepped onto the ramp, but was stopped.
"Hey, you!" Yellow Pearl yelled. "Just where do you think you're going?"
Aquamarine turned around and smirked. "Topaz. Get the engine going."
"Y-yes sir!"
"Oh, no you don't!" Pearl yelled, stepping forward. "This is unbelievable! It's treason! You'll NEVER get away with this."
"Who's going to stop me?" Aquamarine asked. "You, a measly Pearl? Fat chance."
Pearl stopped moving and glared at Aquamarine. "Get over here right now, or I SWEAR you'll regret the day you popped out of that kindergarten!"
Aquamarine thought about it for a moment. "Hmm. No thanks. I'm good. See you around, Pearl." The doors closed, and the ship began to take off.
"Son of a… get back here!" Pearl ran towards the ship as it left the bay. "You'll regret this!"
"Oh, really, Pearl?" Holly Blue Agate said, marching towards Pearl. "A few of my guards have informed me that you released a group of humans from my Zoo! Why would you do that?"
"I… I di… wha…?" Pearl stuttered. "Aquamarine is ESCAPING!"
Holly Blue glanced down at her fingernails. "I didn't see any Aquamarines around here. All I saw were four humans. That you released." She smiled, and leaned down. "How do you suppose your Diamond is going to react to that, hmm?"
Pearl looked around, at Holly Blue, and at the several Quartz guards that were now surrounding her. They all looked extremely satisfied. It became clear to her now. She had been duped. This entire facility conspired against her, and…
There was nothing she could do to prove it!
Stan stared out the ship's window as the stars flew by. And his reflection. He sighed. Wendy approached him.
"What's wrong?"
Stan continued to stare out into space as he answered. "Those aliens... they said Rose Quartz is going to be responsible for the apocalypse."
"Oh, yeah. I wonder who that is."
"My dad used to know her. But... she's dead now, I thought." Stan furrowed his brow. "So then how is it that SHE can be responsible for anything on Earth?"
Wendy shrugged. "Maybe the prophecy was BS."
"Maybe..." Stan glanced over at Aquamarine. "What are you going to do after this?"
Aquamarine hadn't thought that part out. "...I don't know. Everything I know is on Homeworld. I can't stay on Earth, that's for sure."
"Come back to South Park with us," Kyle said. "It's a quiet little mountain town, it's barely on the map. Your leaders won't look for you there."
"I appreciate the offer, but I think Topaz and I are going to wander about the galaxy for a little while."
Topaz turned slightly and stared at her commander. "So... why are we leaving Homeworld?"
Aquamarine sighed. "Our leaders are not who I thought they were. I'm sorry you got dragged into this mess. They were going to kill you."
Topaz' eyes widened. "...you disobeyed orders to save me?"
"Oh, don't get all sentimental on me," Aquamarine said, rolling her eyes. Despite this, she was smiling, if only slightly. "We'll not speak of this again, okay?"
"It's kind of hard to ignore."
Wendy had been distracted by the conversation. She turned back to stare at Stan, however, whose worried look stayed. "Stan?"
"Something really fucked up is about to happen," Stan muttered. "I need to find out what Rose Quartz has to do with all of this, and what Canada has to do with it. My dad has the answers, I know he does."
As the ship approached Earth, Stan couldn't shake the feeling that whatever trouble they were just in, they were about to be in much, much worse trouble.