Ch 10 – The right way isn't always the easiest
Al said u were sick I'm on my way ova Jake xox
I didn't have the energy or the guts to go to school, I'm a coward I know, but I was about to get my just deserts. Jake was on his way over and I knew what I had to do. I couldn't go on like this, it was getting way out of hand, I tried to ignore it but I cant, not anymore. For once Charlie was actually right, listen to the heart or it gets messy. This wasn't just messy this was plain old fucked up
I got out of bed and went downstairs, waiting for Jake. I didn't have to wait long as I got to the bottom step I heard Jakes bike coming around the corner. I felt sick to the stomach, how could I possibly do this to him? Jake came bolting up the drive way and through the front door at a million miles an hour, "Bells, baby are you ok? What's wrong?" He scooped me into his arms and sat in the couch pulling me into his lap, he was pushing the hair off my face franticly.
"Jake, I'm fine." I got up off his lap and sat next to him.
"You don't look fine." I guess that was true I probably looked liked ass. I felt like ass, no correction I felt like an asshole.
"Jake listen, there is something very important that I need to tell you."
"Ah fuck I knew it, how long Bella?" What!?
"How long what?"
"Don't play dumb with me, how long have you and that new fag been a thing?" I obviously didn't give Jake enough credit.
"Were not a thing Jake"
"But there is something going on?" I just looked at him blankly, I was dumbfounded was it that obvious, first Charlie now Jake. "Bella please, I'm not an idiot. I see the way you two look at each other and the last few times we have had sex you have been miles away" I lowered my head too ashamed to look him in the eye. "Well, let me have it."
"Jake...I...I'm sorry."
"Cut the bullshit Bella, I want to know the full story. I deserve the truth at least." I was crying now and knew that this was going to come out all wrong, he was right though he deserved the truth. And I was going to tell it from the start.
I explained everything from Rose's bet to Alice rigging the CS partners to the party. I left out last night. Jacob was silent, I was too ashamed to look at him, too afraid of what I'd see.
"You should never bet against Alice" His voice came out in a strangled mess, was crying, oh good lord, this was the worst possible outcome. I could handle being yelled at and hated, but crying I couldn't handle. Tears started streaming down my face. I loved this boy here and I broke him, what kind of person does that?
"Jake, I am so, so sorry, I never meant to hurt you, please know that." Jake threw himself to floor in front of me and grabbed my hands in his.
"Bella, please, it's me isn't it? I can change, whatever you want, I'll do it. Please just give me a second chance. I love you more than anything in the world. I need you Bella, you can't leave me." He was breaking my heart but I deserved it. I wanted to take it back to tell him that its ok, that I love him to, but I knew that was a lie. There was a big hole in my chest but I knew that it was nothing compared to the hurt he felt. And I caused that. I couldn't say anything to him, instead I just shook my head. I still couldn't even look at him, I am such a coward. I could hear him crying, I wanted to run far, far away, I wanted to get out of here. I sat forward and knew that I was going to hate myself for what I was about to do.
I grabbed Jakes face between my hands and pressed my lips to his. "Jake, a big part of me will always love you, I know that means nothing now, you were my first love and I will never forget that. Please don't blame yourself, you had nothing to do with this, this was out of all of our control. Please know that I will always hate myself for doing this to you and that I am so very sorry, I know that no amount of sorrys will repair what I have done. One day I hope that we can go back to being friends. Jacob you will always have a part of my heart." I pressed my lips quickly to his once more and grabbed my keys and then ran.
I actually ran away from him, I broke his heart and then ran. I couldn't believe I was doing it but I couldn't stop myself either. I drove straight to Alice's or if I'm going to be truthful Edwards.
I put my car in the garage, in case Jake came looking for me. I went inside and then locked the doors. I didn't think Jake would hurt me, he would never hurt me, it was more that I didn't want to see him, just like a coward. A weak pathetic coward.
I ran up to Edwards room, and dived into his bed. I cried and cried for hours, I cried until I didn't have any tears left. My whole body ached, my eyes stung and my chest burned, I was the one that was doing the breaking up but it didn't make it any easier. Eventually I fell asleep.
"Bella" I could hear someone whispering my name. I wish they would leave me alone, I just want to sleep. I curled up tighter in a ball.
"Bella" Please just go away. I could feel the weight on the bed shift, someone was crawling in beside me. Suddenly a smell intoxicated my senses, it was Edward. I could feel a strong pair of arms encase me from behind, I turned and buried my head into his chest and cried some more. I'm not sure exactly when I stopped crying but when I opened my eyes it was dark outside. My eyelids felt like sandpaper and they were puffy, I could hardly open them.
Edwards arms were still tightly wrapped around me, clutching me to his chest, I felt so safe here. I slowly titled my head up and looked at Edward, he was staring down at me, his eyes were so worried, and they had almost lost the light that illuminated them. I could only image what mine looked like. I stayed there just staring at Edward for a while, I wasn't quite sure what to say to him. Edward brushed some matted hair off my face. His fingers then wiped away any lingering tears. He held my face with his thumb tracing the line of my cheekbone, so gentle and caring.
"I...I...I bro..." I tried to get the words out but couldn't, my throat was too dry and my mind too scrambled to structure a coherent sentence.
"Sshh...Bella, it's ok. Just rest now. I'll go get you a glass of water. Have you eaten anything all day?" I shook my head, truth was I didn't know if I could eat right now, my throat felt so swollen and dry that I thought it would reject any solids. Edward got up and went into his bathroom to get me a glass of water. I choked it down, the water felt like razor blades sliding down my throat. I forced down the whole glass and did feel a lot better, my throat wasn't so swollen and my mind started to clear.
I laid down again and decided to get a little more sleep. I woke up at ten and was starving now. I had faint memories of hearing Alice, Rose and Emmett's voice. I must have dreamt about them. I opened my eyes to find Edward sitting above me, just staring down at me watching me sleep. My head was in his lap. Edward forced a slight smile at me.
"Edward, I'm kinda hungry now, am I able to get something to eat?"
"Course." He got up and left the room. My mind was starting to clear, the fog was lifting and all that was left was pain. Why couldn't things just go back to normal? Why did I ever have to meet Edward? My anger was mounting as Edward came back into the room.
"Rose and Al, are going to fix you something" I lunged at him and started beating my fists against his chest, tears again streaming down my face.
"It's all your fault, if I never met you none of this would have happened, things could go back to normal, Jake would still be happy! It's your fault!" I screamed and screamed, Edward just took it, he just stood there and took it, until I was too exhausted to fight anymore. I stopped hitting and started to slump down to the ground, Edward caught me and cradled me to the bed. He laid me down and pulled the blanket over me.
"Bella, I will never ever be sorry that I met you, I am sorry about the circumstances that we met but I do not and will not ever apologise for meeting you. You have brought me back to life. You have relit a fire within me that I never want to go out." I stared into his deep green eyes, contrary to the way I attacked him I knew those words were true for me too. I grabbed Edwards face and bought his lips to mine and pressed them very lightly but did not allow it to go further, I simply did not have the energy.
"I'm sorry" I whispered to him, Edward pressed his lips to my forehead. I fell asleep again in Edwards arms.
I was awoken by a beeping reminder that a had a life going on around me while I hid cowardly in Alices house. I was still encased in Edwards arms which were slowly loosening as he awoke. My eyes still stung and my face felt puffy. I burrowed my face into Edwards chest, I didn't want to go to school today but I would have to otherwise I would need a doctors certificate.
"Good morning." Edward whispered as he kissed my forehead, his eyes were so tentative not sure what to expect.
"Good morning" I smiled weakly back.
"Why don't you stay here today, I'll go hand in your homework, collect any that we might have and then come back." he ran his hand through his messy hair, even first thing in the morning he was flawless, it must be a harsh comparison to what I look like right now.
"Edward I can't ask you to do that, besides this will be my second day off, I need a medical certificate."
"Firstly you didn't ask I offered and secondly my father is a doctor, ill get him to fax one to the school."
"Thank you" I whispered as I snuggled back into the bed. Edward got up and went to have a shower. He came walking back out with just the towel wrapped around him, his hair was still wet and hung chaotically over his face. His body was perfect he was toned without being too muscular and he had the most spectacular 'v' I have ever seen. Edward looked at me and caught me staring at him and smiled sheepishly. "You're so beautiful" I confessed out loud. Edward unleashed the most sensational crooked smile as he walked towards me, he kissed the top of my head.
"I could say the same about you." I scoffed, I severely doubted that.
"Hardly"
"Bella, you have no idea how beautiful you are." He turned and walked into his closet to get changed. As sad and hurt as I was I knew I had done the right thing, the right thing for me anyway.
"I have to go now, I'll be back soon k. Call me if you need anything." Edward kissed my forehead quickly and then left. I had slept so much yesterday that I was completely awake, I needed a shower so I went and got some towels. I tried to wash the shame off me but couldn't, it was more than skin deep. I did feel better after the shower but only superficially. The curious side of me took over and I decided to delve into Edward's life a little more. I went through all his products in the bathroom, smelling and testing them all. I had sampled every single one of them and couldn't find his smell, I was so disappointed that I actually thought I might cry again.
I then went to the wardrobe and went through his clothes, I will sadly admit that I found a hoddie that had his smell all over it, so I put it on. I buried my nose into it and smelt him, the man that stole my heart. I spent an hour or so going through his books and music, he had nearly everything, it was incredible. I took a couple of books and put them in my hand bag, The Heart of Darkness being one. The whole time I tried to ignore the picture that I had found previously, but eventually the curiosity took over.
I went to the drawer and took out the picture, I rummaged through the contents of the drawer and found a small child's necklace, it was tiny, something that you would give a baby for their christening. I was inspecting the necklace when Edward walked in. I was caught red handed snooping, Edward looked hurt and walked straight at me snatching the necklace from me.
"Edward, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, I just want to know everything about you and I was curious and I'm sorry." I looked down at my hands still holding the photo, I was completely ashamed of myself, I had clearly stumbled on something that I wasn't mean to. Edward took the photo from my hands and sat on the bed, he was staring into oblivion, he slowly turned to me, searching my face for something.
"It's ok Bella, I guess it's about time I told you anyway." Edward sighed deeply and then laid back on the bed, he was staring up at the ceiling, I turned my body to face him and sat crossed legged waiting patiently for him to continue. What he was about to tell me was obviously hard for him to do so.
"Back in Chicago I had a girlfriend, Victoria. I loved her more than anything in the world, we were only young but I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, she was everything to me." I knew I was being selfish but hearing him speak like that made me so jealous. " At the start of the year, she got pregnant. At first I was horrified I was 16, how was I going to be a father? Vicki hadn't decided whether or not she was going to keep it, however the more I thought about abortion I couldn't do it, I couldn't get rid of my child. We decided to keep it. I had more than enough money in my trust fund to buy us a house and I knew my mother would ensure that we were looked after financially. Suddenly this future family was all that mattered. We found out that it was going to be a girl, that necklace you found, I bought for her."
I thought about the tiny intricate necklace I'd held in my fingers, I couldn't believe what I was hearing, I thought that I had dramas, mine where nothing compared to this.
"I finally found a house for us and bought it, it was perfect, 4 bedrooms, in a safe neighbourhood with great schools. I was so excited about my life, having Vicki and a baby girl. I didn't see it as ruining my life as many others did, I saw it as enhancing. I didn't care that we were young, I loved her and wasn't that all the mattered. About a month before the baby was due, I decided to make things more official and I asked Vicki to marry me." Edward paused and I saw a tear roll down his cheek. I put my hand on Edwards and he entwined our fingers. He took a deep breathe before continuing.
"She said no." He choked the words out, I squeezed his hand. "She not only said no she told me that the baby wasn't mine. My whole world fell apart, Bella. I lost it, I took off and didn't come home for 3 weeks, my parents barely noticed, Emmett had to call the Police. I got picked up in New York and taken into custody and returned to my house. The only reason my parents even found out is because the police wouldn't release me into the custody of another minor. It was just another kick in the guts really. I was destroyed Bella, I stayed in my room for weeks not leaving, Emmett did my school work so that I wouldn't fail, he also made sure I ate by climbing over the balcony between our rooms and bringing me food."
I had tears streaming down my face, the Edward I knew was so strong, self assure, confident I couldn't imagine him the way he was describing. "Emmett decided that we would move to Forks to get away from all the gossip. Victoria wrote me a letter explaining that she had been sleeping with someone else and that when she found out she was pregnant it was conceived around the time I was on holidays in Greece. She went on to say that she was going to lie and tell me it was mine because I was in a financial position to be able to give her everything and the father of the baby was not. Can you imagine hearing that Bella, she used me for my money. I loved her with every fibre of my being and she just wanted my money."
I was utterly disgusted in this girl, I wanted to rip her throat out. "I was broken, I agreed to let Em bring me here and start a new. I never did anything with Lauren I couldn't, Victoria had taken away my ability to even look at other girls, until you that was. My parents aren't building a house here that's just what we are telling people. We are waiting for the house I bought in Chicago to sell and then Em and I are going to build on our own. " I looked at the man in front of me, he was well beyond his 17 years. I was caught up in deciding what dress to wear to a party and he was in the middle of selling and building a house. I had so much inspiration not only for him but Emmett as well. I couldn't imagine going through what he went through.
"Bella, you have bought me back, the moment I saw you, you lit up my life again. You can ask Emmett, he has noticed it the most, having seen me at my darkest. I know this must sound melodramatic for a 17 year old but it's the truth." I sat in silence ingesting all the information I was given. I couldn't possibly begin to understand how hard that would have been for Edward.
"I knew I shouldn't have told you, I knew you would feel differently about me, it was a mistake." Edward was whispering more to himself than to me. Truth was I did feel differently about Edward having found this out. I felt more adoration, respect and understanding. I took Edwards face between my hands and lifted this head so that I could see his eyes, there was a solitary tear running down his cheek. I leant forward and kissed the tear.
"Edward, I am glad you told me, it most certainly was not a mistake. But your right I do feel differently about you, I think im falling in love with you." Edward crashed his lips to mine, I instantly deepened the kiss, but this was as far I was going to let it go tonight, we were both to emotionally exhausted, it just wasn't right. I guess you would think that im a hypocrite because during the summer I would sleep with whoever when ever, but this was different, feelings were involved, I want it to be right.
We spent the rest of the day lying in his bed, I asked him a million and one questions about Victoria and his life in Chicago and he asked about mine here. We were slowly getting to know everything about each other, the more I found out the more I fell in love with him.