CHAPTER 10

As the morning light shone into her bedroom, Elizabeth woke up confused. She felt odd, disoriented, trying to work out what happened the day before. She had dreamt of Jack but that was not unusual. What was different?

She rolled from her stomach onto her back and looked around. Everything appeared the same. She went to run a hand through her hair and caught a glimpse of a wedding ring on her finger. Neal.

No that wasn't it.

She turned her hand over and Jack's engagement ring stared back at her. Jack.

She sat up quickly and looked around, before she flew out of bed grabbing her robe as she went. She hurried out of the bedroom and heard noise coming from Jay's room. She reached the doorway and then she saw him.

Jack was sitting in the rocking chair with Jay on his lap.

She couldn't help the tears that fell. He was real. It wasn't a dream.

Jack looked up at her.

"Hi beautiful" he grinned at her before he must have seen her tears. He stood up with Jay in his arms, coming toward her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Elizabeth hurriedly wiped her tears away.

He put his arm around her shoulders, holding Jay between them. "It's okay. I understand."

"You do?"

"I felt the same way when I woke up."

She nodded as he pulled her into his chest.

"Mama" Jay said, putting his chubby hand on her face.

"Good morning baby. Have you had breakfast?"

"No. I wasn't sure what he ate so we've just been talking and singing together."

"Are you hungry, Jay?"

"Yes, Mama."

"Alright, let's go get something to eat."

They sat beside one another on the couch staring at the back window as the sun rose higher into the sky. It was a cold morning as would be expected for that time of year. Jay sat on Jack's lap. He had clung to Jack all morning.

"Your mother should be back about lunchtime. We should walk into town and see her. I have a few things I need to do anyway."

"Has she been okay?"

"Truthfully, no. We were both in a bad place at the beginning. I wrote to her about Jay when I was about six months along."

"Why didn't you tell her sooner?"

"I told her at the same time as I told my own parents. I was worried they would try and drag me home with them."

"Did they?"

"They tried, yes. Your mother came a few days after they left and lived with me until I moved here."

"You and my mother lived together? For months?" he said in surprise.

"Yes, well we were both lonely and we did have your loss in common so it worked out. She helped me a lot around the house and she cut back on the lard" she said with a smile.

Jack laughed. "I would have loved to be a fly on the wall to see that all unfold."

"She lives above the mayor's office now."

"She didn't go home?"

"No. When Jay was born, she found a new purpose here. She looks after him during the days when I teach."

"You're still teaching?"

"Of course. How else could I afford to feed Jay and I if I didn't work."

Jack was silent. He hadn't done the right thing by her or Jay. He had never had a lot of money and the little he had was put toward the land and the material for the house. He had never anticipated that he would be taken from her within weeks of their wedding on a training assignment.

"Jack, what's wrong?"

"I've been a terrible husband."

"Jack, you weren't terrible. You weren't here. There's a difference. The Mounties paid me a small amount for becoming a widow but it wasn't a lot and it was my choice to build this house. I could have sold the land and lived quite comfortably for a time. But I enjoy teaching and it was always my intention to go back, whether you were here or not."

"So where has my mother been?"

Elizabeth was dreading that question. "She went to Buxton for a few days."

"Why?"

"To get away from the wedding."

"I thought you said you were getting on with her."

"Yes, but she didn't want it in her face. She doesn't mind Neal and she had given me permission of sorts to court again but …" Elizabeth trailed off, her eyes dropping to her knees. Neal would always be a sore point to them.

"Neal?" Jay asked hopeful.

Jack stared down at his son.

"No baby. Daddy is here now."

Jack slid Jay off his lap onto the couch and stood up, walking away from them.

"Jack?"

He looked over at her and could see the tears in her eyes. He grew angrier just looking at her thinking the tears were for Neal.

"I can't help feeling like I interrupted something."

Elizabeth put Jay on the floor before standing up and approaching him.

"I told you, I was going to call the wedding off."

"But what if you didn't. What if you got married and I came back and you had another family, Elizabeth?"

"What if?! What if you hadn't been reported dead? What if you had come home two years ago instead? Jack, it's all hypothetical! What's real?"

"I don't know" he said quietly.

"What don't you know?"

"We courted for four years before we were married Elizabeth. How long were you courting Neal for?"

"We were friends first but started courting in April."

"Exactly!"

"Exactly what?"

"Eight months Elizabeth!"

"So? After six months of being with you I would've married you on the spot. But we decided together to take things slow and not to rush because of everything that happened. You know that!"

"It's not the same. Why didn't you take things slow with him?"

"I was worried things were moving too fast but honestly he and I were friends. We had always been friends. What I felt for him compared to what I felt for you is no comparison. You gave me butterflies and made everything exciting. I couldn't wait to see you every day. When we kissed it was like fireworks were going off. We were always meant to be and I knew that almost as soon as I met you."

"You're still speaking in the past tense."

"That was in the beginning Jack. You know I love you. What can I say to convince you?"

"I just feel like I've been replaced."

"You were replaced because you were dead, Jack! You told me in your letter to move on and open my heart again and I tried. I did. For Jay's sake more than anything."

She turned and left the room, walking up the stairs.

Jack stood at the window looking down at the valley. He knew he was asking too much of her and he didn't want to fight. He just wanted to hold her in his arms forever. Yet all he was doing was pushing her away.

He heard footsteps and Elizabeth reappeared with something in her hand.

"Here" she said handing a leather book to him.

"What is it?"

"It's my journal."

Jack's eyes went wide in surprise. "No, I can't …"

"You have to. I don't want to fight with you and it's the only way that you're going to believe me and understand how I felt. We need to get past this Jack. Read it."

Elizabeth went and grabbed her coat off the hook and walked outside. Jay still sat on the floor, oblivious to what was going on around him.

Jack went and sat down on the couch and opened Elizabeth's journal. It felt so wrong, like he was invading her privacy. He was surprised to see the entry was addressed to him. It was the day after Jay was born.

…

Dear Jack,

Jay opened his eyes for a good ten minutes today. He looks so much like you. He's such a content baby. He barely ever cries and he sleeps so well. I still have to feed him every few hours but he is such a happy baby, I am so lucky to be his mother.

We had lots of visitors again but I felt myself daydreaming about you, wishing you were here. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how things should have been. I know I need to stop doing that but it's difficult when I haven't had a lot of sleep and my thoughts revolve around you and Jay.

I love you, Jack. Forever and always.

Elizabeth.

…

Jack glanced up at the door to where Elizabeth had disappeared but he couldn't see her. Jack kept reading entry after entry. At first they revolved around Jay. Elizabeth filled him in on everything he had missed out on.

…

I spent all night teaching him to say Daddy too. We have your photo on his dresser which we have a look at every night, but now I'm trying to get him to say Goodnight Daddy. It might take a while, but we will get there.

…

That made sense now, how Jay had recognised him and how he knew his name. Elizabeth had made sure that Jay knew who he was.

…

I wish I could get over you some days. I'm worried about how my reminiscing will affect Jay and I try and be strong for him. Some days are harder than others and the problem is that memories or thoughts of you can hit me at such unexpected times. Something that begins as a good thing, like Jay taking his first steps, ends in my sadness.

I will be stronger. For you. For Jay.

…

When Jay took his first steps, Jack saw that as the turning point for Elizabeth. She saw her grief as a weakness and she vowed to be stronger for both of them.

After that, Elizabeth began writing about Neal but Jack could see the uncertainty in her journal entries. He could see that she liked him but she didn't love him, believing she would fall in love with him in time. That broke his heart, knowing that she had tried to settle.

…

After much debate, I accepted Neal's proposal today. I'm still not certain that I've made the right decision.

I weighed up everything and even though the love I have for him is more like that of a friend, I'm hopeful that it can develop into more with time.

You might not think that is ideal, but I honestly can't see myself loving anyone with the magnitude that I loved you. Part of the problem is that you still have most of my heart and Jay has the rest. I'm just not sure that there is room for anyone else but over time there should be.

I hope you can forgive me for letting another man in. I know you said in your letter to do just that but I'm sure you never expected that you would leave me behind and that this would actually happen. I sure didn't.

…

The more he read between the lines, the more he understood what Elizabeth had been trying to tell him. She was unsure from the beginning. Nothing like she had been with Jack. With Jack she had been independent and stubborn. She knew what she wanted but now as a widowed mother, she was almost a shell of herself and those traits had almost disappeared.

…

The problem is that it has made me question my engagement to Neal. I know he is a good man but I am not excited about the next phase of my life.

Instead I am filled with worry. Worrying that I don't love Neal enough, worrying that I am choosing the wrong man for my future, and worrying that if I cancel the wedding I might never find someone else.

I don't know what to do. I spoke to Lee and I could tell he wants me to cancel it but he would never say that to me. He says he just wants me to be happy.

I don't really know if I can ever be truly happy again without you here, so I don't know what the answer is.

The fact that I still write to you, speaks volumes.

…

Then Elizabeth's final entry, pulled even more at his heart strings but for a different reason. It was her goodbye.

…

Dear Jack,

I'm getting married again tomorrow. I think this will have to be my last letter out of fairness to Neal. It means I have to officially say goodbye, something I should have done a long time ago but have been unable to.

I still love you with every inch of my heart. I thought it would have eased by now as it has been two years since your death. The constant reminder of Jay has not helped with the pain of losing you but it is another reason why I love you so dearly. Our son is everything to me.

I wish things never ended like this. I wish you had been here to see your son grow up and hold me in your arms and tell me everything was going to be okay. Right now, I don't know that things will be okay but I have to hope and pray that they will be.

I will always love you,

Elizabeth

…

Jack looked up from Elizabeth's journal, the tears flooding his eyes. He stood up and moved toward the door. He saw Elizabeth sitting on a chair on the porch, her head in her hands, clearly upset.

Jack decided there could be no more tears or grief in this house. There had been enough.

He opened the door and walked outside. Elizabeth glanced up, her eyes red and puffy from crying. Jack put his hand out to her and she stood up and his arms went around her, holding her tightly to him.

"I'm sorry" he said into her ear.

"Will you forgive me?" she whispered.

"There's nothing to forgive. It's all in the past. We're not talking about it again. No more arguments and no more tears. We're back together and I won't be leaving your side again."

Elizabeth pulled away from him. "How can you know that?"

"If they can't guarantee me a permanent post here after they reported me dead for two years, then I will be leaving the Mounties."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm never leaving you again." He brought his lips to hers, leaning into her. He kissed her more forcefully now, wanting her to know how he felt.

"Good."

Their heads touched as they leant against each other before Jack pulled back and kissed her forehead.

"Let's go into town. I had better go and find my Ma."

They walked into town and Elizabeth separated from Jack and Jay at the café.

"I just need to run an errand quickly. I will be right back."

"You're going to see Neal?" Jack asked.

She knew he was just asking, he wasn't upset anymore. The journal seemed to have eased any uncertainty he had.

"Yes. I just have to return his ring. I will be with you in a moment."

Elizabeth walked down the road toward Neal's place. He wasn't there but as she walked back up the street, she saw him leaving the jail. He saw her approaching him and shook his head at her and went to turn away.

"Neal!" she called out to him.

"I don't have anything to say to you Elizabeth."

"I know. I just had to return your ring to you. Then I will leave you be." She held it out to him between her two fingers.

He reached for it, his fingers brushing hers. She could see the pain in his eyes and she felt terrible about everything.

"I am so sorry" she whispered.

"What would have happened if we'd been married when he had showed up?"

"I don't know" she said, knowing the answer but not wanting to hurt him any further. She hadn't admitted to him that she was going to call off the wedding regardless.

"Would you have still left me?"

"I don't know."

"I think you would have. It was always him. I had always been competing with a ghost."

"Maybe." Her eyes stung with more tears.

"I will be leaving town at the end of the week. Just tell me …" he moved closer to her, his hand on her arm. "Are you sure?"

Charlotte rode back into town after several days away in Buxton. She had told herself for months that she was okay with Elizabeth's new beau but when it came down to it, she wasn't. She couldn't watch her son's widow remarry. Not when she knew how much Jack loved her.

As Charlotte pulled up at the café, she saw Elizabeth and Neal together, talking on the street. She could see Elizabeth was upset from her body language. Charlotte glanced away, not wanting to be caught watching. She climbed down off her horse and tied him to the post before heading in the back door of the café.

"Charlotte! You're back!" Abigail said. "You missed a whole lot of entertainment yesterday!" she said excitedly.

Tom came out of the dining room. "Ma! You're finally back!"

"You all knew I was gone until today. The wedding went well?" she asked, not really wanting to know the details.

Tom laughed. "No."

"What do you mean?"

"Elizabeth called it off."

Charlotte's mouth dropped open. "She did?"

"Uh huh. You won't believe the reason either!" Tom said laughing.

Charlotte was surprised by both Tom and Abigail's apparent excitement at the cancellation of the wedding. As far as she knew, they had all been on board with it,

"Gramma!" Jay squealed when he saw her and came running from the dining room.

Charlotte scooped him up and gave him a hug, holding him in her arms as she turned back to Abigail.

"Lizzy cancelled the wedding?"

"Yes."

"Oh what a relief. But why?"

"Daddy! Daddy!" Jay said excitedly.

Charlotte looked at Jay in surprise but then turned to where Jay was looking.

Jack was standing right there in Abigail's kitchen. Jack.

"What the?"

Tom took Jay from her arms before she dropped him and Charlotte stared at the vision in front of her.

"Jack?"

"Hi Ma." He stepped forward to give her a hug but even as she put her arms around him, she couldn't believe that it was him.

"Jack? It's really you?" Charlotte clung to him, not knowing what else to do.

"Yes, Ma. It's me."

"And you stopped the wedding?"

"Yes."

"Elizabeth didn't get married?"

"No."

Charlotte pulled back, tears running down her cheeks. "I don't believe it."

"Get in line!" Tom said.

Charlotte stared at Jack. "It's so good to see you, son."

Elizabeth stood in front of Neal feeling terribly guilty about everything.

"I'm sure" Elizabeth replied to him. "I'm terribly sorry for the pain that I have caused you."

"So that's it then?"

"I guess so. Goodbye Neal."

He stared at her for a moment.

"Bye Elizabeth."

Elizabeth walked away without looking back.