Disclaimer; I do not own anything sadly. Grey's Anatomy belongs to both ABC and Shonda Rhimes.

Secrets Never Shared.

She's Always an Amazing Woman to Me

Derek slowly made his way up the pathway to a house filled with such sadness, pain and uncertainty. The front door was unlocked which made it easy for Derek as he imagined he would have to fight to even get in the door. He scanned the mess of the hallway and living room, taking note of the alcohol stained carpets, photo's scattered all over the living room floor as if they'd been ripped out of a photo album.

It would be a lie to say Derek didn't feel sympathy for Thatcher but a large part of him couldn't let go of what he had put Meredith through.

"Thatcher!" Derek called up the stairs so he knew he was there and wasn't going to startle him.

Derek got an incoherent grunt in response.

As he ascended the stairs, he could see a shadow lurking in the hallway. As he got closer, he seen Thatcher sitting on the floor of the hallway with an almost empty bottle of vodka in one hand and a photo gripped tightly in the other.

"Where's Meredith?" He asked without even looking up to acknowledge Derek.

"She couldn't come…eh…she's not feeling well," Derek whispered awkwardly, unsure of what to do or say. "Do you not remember me telling you that on the phone?"

"Huh…how original…not feeling well," he scoffed, mocking what Derek had said.

"She coul…" he began to shout but quickly realised that Meredith wouldn't forgive him if he divulged him in too much information such as her collapsing at work. Derek decided to ignore his snide comment and probe Thatcher about what the hell he was playing at.

"How much have you had to drink Thatcher?" Derek asked him in a professional voice.

"Huh?" he asked, finally looking up and making eye contact with Derek.

"I want to talk to Meredith," he tried to state firmly, but it came out a pathetic squeak.

"Well I'm afraid you'll have to put up with me for now and you can talk to Meredith later, if she's feeling a little better." He tried to reason, hoping it would get Thatcher to back down on the argument. He was so thankful he had managed to get Meredith to agree to stay home. Looking at the mess of both Thatcher and the house, he thanked his lucky stars that she wasn't here and wouldn't be, anytime in the near future, if he had anything to do with it.

"Oh God," he sighed.

"What's wrong?" Derek asked worriedly, crouching down by the drunken man's side. Thatcher didn't respond to him, instead turning to the other side and threw up over the hall landing.

"Perfect. Just perfect," he sighed.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

Derek helped Thatcher get freshened up and got him to lay down in bed, knowing there would be no point in talking to him until he had slept off some of that alcohol. While Thatcher slept, he got down on his hands and knees and cleaned the hall carpet, the stairs, the living room carpet and the kitchen floor as all of them either had a sick stain or alcohol stain. He went around the house putting all rubbish, empty bottles and pieces of glass into rubbish bags. He then gathered all photographs that were scattered in every room of the house and put them on the coffee table in the living room.

Once he had finished cleaning the house from top to bottom, he contemplated calling Meredith but decided against it as he knew what he had to say would only upset her and then there's the fact she was probably asleep and he wouldn't want to disturb her. He just hoped that Richard was ok keeping an eye on her.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

Richard managed to make it to the trailer rather quickly. He got hold of Patricia as soon as he got off the phone from Derek and made sure she knew what was to happen for the rest of the day. Ever since this morning, images of Meredith lying in the hospital bed and ones of Max in his incubator didn't seem to want to leave his mind, no matter how hard he tried. To top it all, he had Erica Hawn nipping his ear all day about how good Meredith would be as a cardio resident. As much as Richard agreed with her, trying to explain to Erica that she would need to tread carefully with this and let him handle it without indulging her in any personal information was not easy.

He parked the car and quietly made his way into the trailer, being extra cautious not to wake Meredith. Taking one look at Meredith, curled up in the bed at the back of the trailer, he could tell that as much as she was asleep, it was far from peaceful. He could feel his heart break as he knew how hard it was for him and Adele to overcome the loss they felt when Max died but they had each other. Who did Meredith have? As far as he was concerned, Meredith didn't grieve for her son. He knew that wasn't Meredith's fault though. She couldn't allow herself to grieve because she didn't know how to as well as the small fact she had nobody by her side to show her, be there for her, support her and love her when she needed it most.

Richard had sat and worked on his paperwork for well over an hour when he got up and made himself a coffee, knowing he wouldn't disturb Meredith as she wouldn't be able to hear anything over her own snoring. As he poured the boiling water into the cup, he accidentally spilt a bit of water on his hand. Cursing himself for doing it, he began to shake his hand up and down in order to shake off the horrible, burning sensation. When he did this though, it caused him to knock over the cup and a couple of bowls that were on the kitchen counter. Falling to the ground, they hit the floor of the trailer; smashing and making the hot coffee go everywhere. Richard carefully manoeuvred himself into the bathroom to get a towel to dry up the floor with. However, as he did so, he slightly lost his balance and went tumbling into the bathroom, the door slamming behind him. He managed to find a clean towel in there, but as he made his way out the bathroom, he came face to face with a frying pan.

"Ouch!" Richard screeched in pain losing his balance and falling back against the toilet seat.

"That's what you….oh my god…Chief?" Meredith couldn't believe this. One minute she's waking up thinking there is a burglar in the trailer and now she's face to face with her chief of surgery, who she's just used a frying pan to clobber over his head.

"Oh my god," Meredith gasped. "I am so sorry. I am so incredibly sorry. I thought you were a burglar," she said in a panic, while helping Richard up and helping him over to the sofa area, being careful not to slip on the spilt coffee.

At first, Richard couldn't see that clearly as she had hit him with one hell of a force but after a couple of minutes, the blurriness disappeared and he couldn't help but look at her incredulously.

"You thought I was a burglar?" he asked, trying to get it clear in his own head as she retrieved an ice pack from the freezer.

"I am so sorry Chief…I just…I just heard all the banging and I knew it couldn't be Derek because he's out and I knew it couldn't be Christina or George, Alex or Izzie because they're at work and well…I didn't expect you to be here…as soon as I heard the smash of plates I just automatically lead to the …"

"Its ok Meredith," he whispered, not wanting to upset her more by telling her the rambling was not helping his throbbing headache.

"Maybe you should lie down Chief. It might help," she whispered.

"No, I'm ok. The ice pack is definitely helping."

"Chief, I am just so sorry," she mumbled, trying to hold back tears.

"If anybody should be sorry, it should be me," he sighed.

"What do you mean?" Meredith asked bewildered.

"I disturbed you from your sleep," he joked. Meredith couldn't help but laugh which was more than enough to ease the pain of Richard's headache.

"Well that's ok. I think it's safe to say you've paid a high enough price," she laughed, indicating to his slightly swollen forehead.

"Good to know," he smiled.

After a couple of minutes of silence, she asked the embarrassing question, "Are you feeling ok Chief? No blurred vision or dizziness?"

"No, I'm ok. Thanks Meredith." Richard smiled at her because despite all she was feeling, she always put others first. "And shouldn't I be asking you that?"

"Hmm," Meredith sighed.

"How are you feeling? You gave us quite a scare this morning," he confessed.

"Uh…yeah sorry about that Chief…I'm ok though."

"Hmm," he says, knowing full well that she is lying. "You know Derek's only going to let you full yourself for so long."

"What do you mean?" she asked him, looking at him as if he had lost his marbles.

"I mean Derek is going to be with you every step of the way to help you through this but he's not going to be able to begin to help you if you don't tell him what's going on," he said, looking at her intently.

Meredith contemplated what he said for a few minutes, feeling the well -known moisture return to her eyes.

"I know," she whispered.

"There isn't a day goes by where Adele and i don't think about him Meredith," he whispered, taking one of her small, shaking hands in his.

"Me too Chief," she sighed with a small smile on her face. "Me too," she murmured, staring at the hand Richard had entwined with his.

"There are nights where I lie awake and can still see his bright green eyes staring back at me," Richard admitted.

"I know," she giggled. "Anytime I've had a really hard day, I would lie in bed and think about the way he used to curl up closer to my chest every time I sang Humpty Dumpty or that other nursery rhyme, the one with the dog in the window. I always said that was his way of asking me to shut the hell up," she giggled.

"I remember that," he smiled. "I use to go in everyday before I left for the night and tell him about the patients I had treated."

"You did?" she asked, surprised.

"I did." he confirmed. "And every night he would take a firm hold of my finger and wouldn't let go. That's what told me he was paying attention."

"He was so strong, so special," she whispered.

"He was," he whispered, feeling his eyes water as he watched soft tears flow from Meredith's eyes.

Richard pulled Meredith close and let her cry into his chest with the knowledge of knowing that everything would work out ok in the end.

"You know, Derek suggested that the four of us do dinner when we get back from our vacation," Meredith blurted out.

"He did?" he asked curiously.

"Yeah, do you…do you think Adele would be up for it?" she asked hesitantly.

"Aw honey, I think she'll do her happy dance around the house when I tell her," he smiled.

"Her happy dance?" she giggled.

All Richard could do was laugh with her because in that moment, nothing had felt simpler in a long time.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.

When Derek went to check on Thatcher for the fifth time since he'd been there that afternoon, he was wide awake, puking his guts out in the basin Derek had put by his bed.

"Large consumptions of alcohol will do that to you," he muttered.

"What happened?" he whispered hoarsely.

"You got so drunk that you called Meredith in a state begging her to come talk to you, sending her into a panic, hence the reason I am here," he stated in a professional manner.

"You said she wasn't well," he said, walking past Derek, out of the room and into the bathroom to dispose of all the vomit.

Truth be told, as much as Derek was use to horrible smells when dealing with sick patients, he couldn't seem to get use to the smell in this house and was having to breathe through his mouth to stop himself from being sick himself.

"She is sick. Your phone call didn't exactly help matters," he sighed as Thatcher stumbled back into the room.

"You know, you have some nerve," he whispered harshly.

"Excuse me?" Derek asked incredulously.

"You can't stand there and lecture me about upsetting Meredith when, lets' face it, you did a great job of that all on your own. Look at you, standing there on your high horse but I guess you being a neurosurgeon, you think you have the right to do that. I use to live with a surgeon you know. I know all about surgeons and their high horses," he rambled with spite.

It took Derek a few minutes to process the things that were just said to him.

"Rather ironic coming out of your mouth, don't you think?" Derek asked rather bitterly.

Thatcher let out a chuckling sound in response. It took him a few minutes to compose himself before he opened up to Derek.

"You know she was such a tiny baby, 5lbs and 5ounces. She was so tiny yet so beautiful. You took one look into those piercing green eyes of hers and you would get lost in them. She was perfect," Thatcher muttered bitterly.

Derek sat in the chair that was in the corner of the room listening intently to him.

"She never made a sound when she was born, she never cried during the night when she needed fed or when her nappy needed changing, she was just content laying there, waiting for one of us to wake up which nine times out of ten would always be me because Ellis would be exhausted from working a shift at the hospital or she would actually be at the hospital with her lover," Thatcher finished off sounding resentful.

"It couldn't have been easy," he whispered softly.

"It got to the stage where my wife would just come in the door from a twelve hour shift, kiss me and Meredith goodnight and walk up the stairs to bed and that would be it…She wouldn't even make the effort to hide the hickey's plastered all over her neck," he said in a bitter laugh.

"I cracked. I couldn't take it anymore. I met Susan through an old friend and we hit it off. She loved Meredith to pieces. They use to have little tea parties together."

Thatcher could see the curious look that Derek was giving him.

"I…I…don't think Meredith can remember, she was four and at that point everything was so messy and she was being shoved from person to person, none of them being the two people she should have really spent that time with- her parents," he sighed, with sadness.

"Susan and i spent a bit of time with her but it was a brand new relationship. We wanted to be on our own to see if the relationship would go anywhere. Truth be told, it was getting harder and harder to spend time with Meredith because I always associated her with her mother. She never looked like her mother, she never sounded like her, she never acted like her but yet, I could nothing but associate this beautiful little child with her monster of a mother and that's when I knew. I had to walk away," he murmured.

"You just left them?" Derek asked unable to hide the shock from his voice. "Just like that?"

"Mm hmm, on Christmas Day…I…I just couldn't take it and before you start breathing down my throat about how terrible that was, you don't need to waste your breath because I already know how horrible it was. It wasn't fair on Meredith and as much as I know it doesn't mean anything but I have regretted the decision ever since."

Both men sat in silence for a few minutes, each unsure of what to say.

"What's your excuse?" Thatcher asked, turning slightly on the bed to face Derek.

"What?" he asked, becoming defensive.

"What's your excuse for abandoning Meredith?" he asked bluntly.

"You can't seriously…."

"I know my reason was far from a good one and a father should never leave his daughter…but how do you justify abandoning the love of your life on more than one occasion?" he asked as if it was the most casual thing in the world, which only aggravated Derek more.

"You have no right…"

"Don't I?" Thatcher challenged.

"No, you don't," he accused harshly, getting up from the chair, to pace the bedroom floors.

"Derek, you abandon her after her wife shows up. You abandon her after she drowns and I'm guessing you had to abandon her when it came to competing for chief and the question there is did you go back to Meredith after you were unsuccessful or were you offered the job and declined it because you finally decided a life without Meredith is no life at all which is rather ironic considering all the damage you had already caused in the relationship?"

"Where the hell do you…"

"Which one is it?" Thatcher asked.

"That is none of your…."

"Just answer the question," he demanded bluntly, loving the fact he was not allowing Derek to get a word in edge ways.

"You have no right to…"

"I think you'll find I have every right," he emphasised.

"And how…"

"I know you think that I have no right but here's the thing, no matter how many times she tries to deny it, she will always be my baby girl and I take a big part of the responsibility for screwing up her past. She never got a normal childhood. So I want to be sure that the person Meredith chooses to spend the rest of her life with does everything in his power, until the day he dies, giving her everything she possibly dreams of because she is the one selfless person in the world that deserves it," he rambled with tears in his eyes.

Derek didn't know whether to yell at the man sitting in front of him for getting at him for something he did many years ago. However, he couldn't help but think in some weird way he was right.

"How do I know you won't hurt her again?" Thatcher asked, pulling Derek from his thoughts.

"You don't need to know. The only person that needs to know that is Meredith," Derek retaliated in a low, threatening tone. He detested the conversation with every part of his being. How could he be compared to a drunk who abandoned his daughter at Christmas with a mother who never really showed Meredith that she loved her?

"You've given me nothing to suggest that you're serious about her!" Thatcher barked.

"She's the love of my life!" Derek shouted. "And considering you have virtually no relationship with Meredith, excuse me if I don't feel the need to defend myself to a drunk like you," he added vehemently.

"Well, if she is the love of your life, why does everybody and everything else come before her?" Thatcher asked, choosing to ignore Derek's dig at him as a father.

"Did you take something along with the alcohol? Are you high on something?" Derek asked in a professional tone, wondering if there was something else pushing him to be this way.

"How dare you!" he spat.

"How dare I? You're the one sitting here trying to tell me I'm not good enough for Meredith. Let us get one thing clear, she is the love of my life and I consider myself the luckiest man alive to be with her and if you think for one second that I'm going to stand here and justify my actions to the man who ripped Meredith to shreds years ago and then again after she gave you a second chance, you went and blamed her for Susan's death!"

"I had just lost my wife!"

"You slapped her across the face!" Derek cringed at the memory.

A few moments went by where they composed themselves.

"Why didn't you go after her?" Thatcher blurted out.

"What?" Derek asked, finally looking Thatcher in the eye again.

"Why didn't you go after her? You stuck around to give me a horrible venomous look, but you didn't go after her. Why?" he prodded, seeming interested.

"Because…because she didn't want me to," he said, feeling the pain of the memory hit him.

"Yes she did. She wanted to get as far away from me as possible but that didn't mean she didn't want you," He explained rationally. "It would have been up to you to follow her because she wouldn't want to talk to you with me still there."

"You know for a man talking about how he literally crushed his daughter's heart in two, you are awfully calm and showing little emotion," he accused, trying to steer the conversation in a different direction.

"I have to be that way," he stated simply.

"Why?" Derek pushed.

"Because it stops it from hurting," Thatcher confessed finally.

"You don't deserve to be free from hurt considering the amount of damage you caused!" Derek spat, finding that he was growing increasingly frustrated with Thatcher.

"I know I don't but it's the only way to move on," He admitted.

"Really?" Derek mocked. "Have you tried apologising to your daughter?"

"Which one?" Thatcher asked.

Oh he could not be serious? He needed to know which one to apologise to?

"You know fine well which one!" Derek spat, losing his cool.

"What the hell is going on in here?" Lexie asked, appearing in the doorway. She could hear their voices the moment she parked the car and couldn't contain her shock at seeing Derek Shepherd standing in her parents' bedroom.

"Dr Shepherd, what are you doing here?" Lexie asked, trying to take in the scene in front of her.

"Uh, well, a little after lunch time, your father called Meredith in a drunken state saying he needed to talk to her. She wasn't able to come because, well, she's not to well at the moment so I came instead."

"Oh Dr Shepherd I'm so sorry," she whispered, as she indicated for them to step into the hallway so they were out of earshot from Thatcher.

"You have nothing to be sorry for Lexie," Thatcher mumbled as he began to lie back against the bed and fall asleep.

"I take it that's what the phone call was about earlier," she whispered softly as they got out into the hall. "I just assumed you got called away for something urgent."

"Yeah, Mer wanted to come but she collapsed at work earlier…"

"She collapsed? Is she ok?" She asked, worry etched all over her features.

"Yeah, she's fine. She just needs to take it easy for now," he whispered, silently cursing himself for letting that slip to her sister.

"Thank you for seeing to him. You didn't have to do that," She whispered, suddenly feeling awkward, wondering what Derek had to put up with from Thatcher.

"You don't have to put up with it you know? You can get him help. I could recommend…"

"I appreciate the help today Dr Shepherd but me and Molly know what we're doing," she stated firmly, leaving no room for argument.

"I'm sure you do. Well, I better get going."

"Will you tell Meredith I was asking for her and I hope she gets better soon?" Lexie asked hesitantly.

"I will do. Bye Lexie," he whispered, grabbing his jacket and heading for the stairs.

"Dr Shepherd?" Lexie asked .

"Yes?" he asked, turning back round.

"Look after her," she smiled. "From what I hear, she's a pretty amazing woman," Lexie added looking saddened.

"I know Lexie," he smiled. "I know and you will too. Just be patient with her."

Derek made his exit quickly and quietly, wanting to get out of there as fast as possible. He couldn't be more thankful for Lexie coming in when she did as it had been an extremely long day and Thatcher's attitude was not helping matters. All he could think about was getting home to Meredith but there was one place he needed to go first.

Like? Dislike? I don't think I've ever been so nervous about posting a chapter.