"Ladies and Gentlemen!" the Auctioneer cried out to the assembled masses, "Established guests, and worthy children. I welcome you to this prestigious auction event."
The auctioneer looked around at the assembled bidders sitting patiently, staring up at him on his stage. He saw a mix of representatives, some from mighty businesses, some notorious warlords, others were businessmen. But all who knew a bargain when they saw it. And more importantly, all who were willing to bid on the item, and let the auction decide who would win, rather than a mighty war.
At least, the Auctioneer thought, until the auction was over, and he was paid. After that point, they could go to war if they wanted. The auctioneer planned to be galaxies away, covered by a mixture of Kalzarian wine, and Zalkarian women.
"Now, I know you are all eager to begin, so I will waste no further time," he continued, while manipulating his remote to activate the hologram behind him. "I now open for bidding the sale of item-"
He was interrupted by a loud wheezing groaning noise nearby, and noticed the bidders were similarly startled.
"Calm people. This is only some issues with air conditioning. We saved money on hiring this spaceport so we could pass the savings on to you!" the Auctioneer said with a grin, but noticed no one was paying attention to him, and were instead looking past him. He turned around to find a large blue wooden box had somehow appeared on the stage.
"It appears we have a last minute bidder," he muttered to himself, knocking angrily at the door. "Excuse me, we have a docking hall at the rear of the port."
The door opened inwards, and a man with white curly hair, wearing a velvet jacket over a frilled shirt, looked back at the Auctioneer. He looked equally surprised as the Auctioneer was of his appearance at this space port.
Behind the man, a younger woman wearing a blue jacket was nearing the door. "Are we at Metabilis 3 now, Doctor?" she asked.
"No, I don't think so, Jo," the Doctor answered with a slightly annoyed tone. "But I think this man can explain why we aren't."
"Me?" the Auctioneer asked. "Innocent old me?"
"Yes, you," the Doctor said, pointing a finger directly in the Auctioneer's chest, pushing him back slightly, as he exited the blue box. "Something pulled my TARDIS here, diverting us from our course, and I have a feeling you might be able to explain this."
"Oh, but of course," the auctioneer answered, stepping back away from the Doctor, and straightening his clothes. "I did put down a homing beacon, so that all interested parties could attend this Auction. This is a spaceport that is fairly out of the way, after all."
"However, my good man," the Doctor responded, the irritation clearly present in his voice, "I am not an interested party!"
"Oh come now, sir. There's no need to play that game with me. You look like a man of taste, of intelligence," the Auctioneer gave his slyest smile. "How could you turn down one of the greatest deals of the century?"
"Now listen to me. I'm not interested in bidding or buying anything. I just want to go on my way, and once you deactivate your beacon I'll be gone," the Doctor answered, pulling out a silver wand like device. "If you tell me where your beacon control panel is, I'll even do it myself!"
Jo placed a hand on the Doctor's shoulder, in an attempt to calm him. "Come on Doctor, let's not get in a fuss-"
"I am not getting in a fuss, Jo," the Doctor quickly responded.
"It looks like there's been a simple mistake, and I'm sure this man will be happy to sort things out in a little while," Jo continued. "Let him complete his auction and then we can go."
The Doctor looked back at Jo, then to the auctioneer, still clearly indignant. "Fine then, but not a moment more."
"Thank you sir," the auctioneer said, grasping the Doctor's hand for a quick hand shake, then Jo's hand for a kiss. "And thank you madam. Now if you would kindly join the other bidders, we will begin."
"I am NOT a bidder," the Doctor answered, as he and Jo began to leave the stage.
The auctioneer returned to face the assembled bidders. He returned to the lecturn where he had left his remote to begin the holographic presentation. "Now, good citizens of the universe, I am very glad to begin the auction of planet three in the Sol system, known to its local natives as Earth!"
Behind the Auctionner a image of the blue planet appeared, twice the size of the auctioneer, and slowly turning.
At the base of the stage, the Doctor and Jo suddenly turned around to look at the spinning globe. "Excuse me," the Doctor said. "What did you just say?"
The Auctioneer ignored him, and continued his pitch. "Yes, a stage two technology planet is yours for the bidding. With just under seven billion natives, who can be easily used as a workforce, or meal if you desire," said the Auctioneer, as images of crowds of people flashed before him.
"No, you listen here!" the Doctor said, marching back up onto the stage, getting close enough to the auctioneer so he could be heard as he gave a stern whisper. "Are you telling me you are intending to sell the Earth, and all its people into slavery to one of these bidders? What right do you have to do that?"
"Right? Right?" the auctioneer giggled at that. "This is a very low race in terms of evolution-they don't have any rights. They're free to be claimed by anyone. And isn't it better to have a nice peaceful auction on the matter, rather than have a war between them all?"
The Doctor looked out at the crowd of bidders, turning his head to ensure he saw them all. Finally he turned his gaze to Jo, and gave her a wink.
"Absolutely right!" the Doctor said, in a cheery voice, and giving the auctioneer a perhaps slightly too strong slap on the back. "My companion and I just left Earth, and we have to say it's probably for the best that one of these noble bidders own it."
"Thank you Doctor," the Auctioneer said. "Now, shall we start the bidding at-"
"Excuse me!" one of the bidders, a spiked-armour clad lizard shouted out, standing up as he did so. "Before we start bidding, I'd like to hear more from this Human, about why he wants one of us to rule his planet."
The Auctioneer gave his best grin, in the hope he would be able to take control of the situation. But before he spoke, the Doctor had stepped in front of his lectern. "Oh, I'm not human. I'm a Time Lord, who has been eager to leave the Earth for a long time now," he explained, his voice carrying across to all the bidders. "My companion, Jo, is a human being however. But I think I can speak for both of us when I say the planet Earth really needs a strong leader to take control-to make it a much more peaceful planet."
Jo walked up on the stage to join the Doctor, waving slightly. "Oh absolutely, Doctor," she joined in. "I'm so glad we can leave the constant fear of war behind us, but hopefully once these bidders take control, we can return someday."
The Auctioneer cleared his throat loudly. "Now, if we can start the bidding at-"
"Why did you want to leave the Earth?" the lizard asked. "The mineral reports are unanimously positive."
"We didn't just leave," the Doctor explained. "We fled! After all the wars, and invasions-"
"Invasions? I thought this auction was meant to prevent multiple invasions," another bidder, a purple slug in a vest cried out in a gurgling voice.
"Now, let's be fair. What planet doesn't have some history of-" the auctioneer tried to talk above the increasingly loud muttering from the bidders.
"But the Earth has more than most. I mean, Jo, we've seen invasions almost every month now. If it's not the Nestenes, it's the Axons."
"If it's not the Axons, it's the Chronovores," Jo added. "And then we have Sea Devils and Silurians rising up every now and then."
"Now, they aren't invaders technically, Jo," the Doctor said, with a grin. "They're the Level 3 civilisation which is just sleeping in the Earth, waiting to rise and reclaim the planet from whoever's on the surface with their expertise in biological warfare. I hope these bidders can keep them all under control as well as the humans."
The muttering from the bidders became louder and louder.
"This was not in the product description!" the slug screamed out, spitting a ball of acid at the auctioneer, narrowly missing.
"Come now. You are all mighty conquerors, rulers, and warlords. Surely you're confident enough to maintain your hold on a planet from other small scale invaders."
"Come on, my boy. They weren't all small scale," the Doctor said, putting his arm around the auctioneer at the lectern. "The Great Intelligence tried to invade twice now. And jut recently London had a direct attack by the Daleks."
The word Daleks suddenly silenced all the bidders. Eyes looked from side to side, in terror in mention of the name.
"It….." the auctioneer began talking, quietly, "It was just the one attack?"
"Oh yes. Just the one, from Daleks in the future," the Doctor said. "But as a time traveller, I think you should all be warned to expect a few more invasions to come."
At that talk, some bidders got out of their seats and began to leave. But the lizard remained, still curious. "If all these invasions have happened, why is there no alien colonisation?"
"Well, humans defeated them, or convinced them to surrender," the Doctor answered, causing laughs from the bidders. Jo began to move to respond, but the Doctor put a steadying hand on her shoulder.
"You're telling us that a Level 1 planet, with no warp drives or quantum weapons managed to fight off the Daleks," the Auctioneer said, between laughs. "You can't be serious!"
"Yes," the Doctor said, without a single note of sarcasm or humour in his voice. "I'm entirely serious." This comment stunned the crowd, with the laughter dying down.
"But….they're just humans. They're savages. They're-" the auctioneer stuttered.
"They're a race who have been very careful and determined in learning how to kill. They've been given guidance by ancient races, such as the Daemons, on how to attack others. Some races, including my own Time Lords, have tried to use them as an army force to take over the universe."
"And….what happened?" the auctioneer asked.
"They rebelled. Killed virtually all those who tried to control them," the doctor explained to the stunned room. "That's something important you should consider. They're very easy to mind control, but make sure your control is perfect, because if they break it once, they'll never be controlled again. And once they're free, they tend to retaliate."
"That's very true," Jo added. "Remember when the Master hypnotised me to detonate a bomb next to you. Broke free of that and now nothing can control me."
"And what happened to the Master, Jo?" the Doctor asked.
"Didn't we leave him for a Chronovore to feed on?" Jo asked.
"Yes, that's it," the doctor said, then turned back to the Auctioneer. "Anyway, I think that's everything the bidders need to know about. The planet needs a bit of work, but would very much value your control. Carry on, auctioneer."
The auctioneer steadied himself at the lectern, and cleared his throat before beginning. "Thank you Doctor. Anyway, shall we start the bidding at-"
"Almost forgot," the Doctor butted in. "There are around four super powers that are constantly threatening nuclear war with each other that would irradiate the entire planet and-"
"SHUT UP!" the auctioneer shouted at the Doctor, who suddenly looked slightly hurt at this outburst. The Auctioneer turned back to the bidders, and with the anger clear in his voice said sternly, "If we are ready to begin, shall we start the bidding at-"
And then the auctioneer had noticed all the bidders had begun to leave.
"No please, don't," he called out to them as the bidders left. "At least someone bid enough to cover the cost of the space port hire."
A voice cleared to his left. The auctioneer spun around to face this sound, hoping it would be a remaining bidder. But instead it was the Doctor.
"Now, if you could deactivate that beacon, we'll be on my way."