Always There

Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I own none of these characters, but am grateful to JE for inventing them for us to play with. Unlike JE, I am not making any money from them

A/N: Thank you all again for all the wonderful reviews and PMs, especially to you Guests. Once again I find myself having to offer Apologies for being bad about replying to you all again. I'll try a new system of replying to see if that helps. I feel so rude for not replying! Even though I can't always get back to you all please know your reviews and messages are incredibly appreciated and really make me keep the momentum going. Some of you may need tissues at the ready!

Epiphany

Edna lay quietly, propped up slightly in her hospital bed, just thinking. It had been almost a week since she had collapsed in the house and sparked off this latest series of events. Her abdomen was no longer swimming in fluid that didn't belong there, but she knew it was because of the treatments being given rather than she was getting better. She could feel her body getting weaker and god, the tiredness. That was the hardest thing, the draining fatigue that hit her so suddenly, stopping her doing the things she wanted to; seeing her friends for any length of time, doing simple tasks, holding conversations. She had asked Bobby if he could make a timetable up for her, like he had when they took their trip. She'd loved that big bright smile he had given her when he'd said 'for you Edna, anything'.

So here she was, in a rest period, just thinking. Truth was she was ready. Well almost. Her body was betraying her and she was surprised at how much she'd come to terms with it. Of course she'd known about the cancer for a while and knew about the prognosis too. Sure, she may not have known the predicted time but she had chosen not to for a reason. She figured that knowing wouldn't have made a difference anyway; when your number was up, it was up, but she was determined that she wouldn't be working towards a date. Too many friends had been given six months and gone right to the day or had given up and gone before. Not her. No way. She was going to go when the time was right. Screw the doctors and their prognosis.

She was at peace with it all. She may not have been the most perfect Catholic but that didn't mean her faith was less than anyone else's. Her faith may not have always 'fit' with the way most of the Burg thought it should, but she didn't care. It was hers and she was fairly sure that the Lord was more interested in the fact that she believed than whether she went to the right number of masses. After all, she consoled herself, Jesus was considered a non conformist in his time, so if it was good enough for Him….! She had never thought much about her faith and dying, but now ….. now she felt the strength and peace it gave her.

Yes, she was ready. She may not have lived the exact life that she had wanted but then, who does? But she was extremely grateful to have grown up in a free, vibrant country, married a good man, had a daughter who had also married a good man, who in turn had had two beautiful daughters of her own. Could she have used more money? Would she have liked more children? Of course. But all that was water under the bridge and anyway, none of that would have bought more happiness and when it came to it, she had been happy. She was happy. Except for one thing. Stephanie.

Her beautiful, free spirited Stephanie. She had known there was something special about Stephanie from the day she was born. A feisty, funny, and smart child, she always had a lovely innocence about her that manifested itself in a heart of gold as big as a whale's. And here she was thirty years later with not much having changed. No matter how hard she tried, no matter how much effort she put in, Stephanie just didn't fit. Steph's relationship to the 'Burg was the personification of 'square peg, round hole'.

Helen, god bless her, was a good child but thought way too much about others' opinion of her, even then. And whilst Frank was a good, solid man, he hadn't been Helen's first choice. Not really. No, that had been a different boy, but he didn't have an apprenticeship or a steady job at the post office lined up. He'd wanted to start a business, travel and see what the world had to offer. He'd asked Helen to go with him, but she just couldn't. Edna wasn't surprised. It just wasn't in Helen's make up. Sadly, over the years, marriage to Frank and the bottled existence that she lived had skewed Helen's view of the world into something narrow and petty. When Valerie happened along, nothing changed that. Val was the perfect little girl, all pink frilly dresses and lace edged ankle socks, ribbons in her hair, her shiny patent shoes immaculate. Then Stephie arrived. Edna chuckled at the memory.

The mess that girl could get in to! She looked like a little angel all dressed up and with that gloriously troublesome curly hair expertly teased. For about an hour. Then she'd appear, knees skinned, face smudged with goodness knows what, hair having exploded into a mass of curls, socks and shoes missing and her dress caked in whatever she had rolled in. And Edna couldn't remember a more wonderful sight. That little face beaming up at her with joy at the thing she'd found in the garden; the bug, the worm, or the flowers that weren't really meant for picking. It couldn't have mattered less – except to Helen.

Edna had no doubt that Helen loved Stephanie very much. But she just didn't 'get' her. She didn't know how to react to this little dynamo with the super inquisitive mind, didn't understand her at all. But she did. It was her and Harry who took Stephanie for puddle jumping walks and to turn over rocks and bits of rotting tree trunks to see what lived underneath. Harry had supervised the tree climbing and Edna had provided the antiseptic and band aids. And it had been Edna who had fostered the love of the Boston Crème. She giggled out loud as she remembered the look of pure ecstasy on the young Stephanie's face when she had tasted her first Boston Crème and the low moan that came from her. They had shared their contraband in secret many a time. It wasn't that Helen didn't serve up cakes and desserts – of course she did, but it had to be home made. There was no place for shop bought cake in the Plum household.

Edna sighed. At least the relationship between her daughter and youngest grand daughter was slowly improving and that made her happy. It was good to see something positive coming from all this. Actually though, there was something else wasn't there? Surely Stephanie and Ranger could see what everyone else could couldn't they? Then again, knowing Steph maybe not. And he wasn't one you'd class as verbose, well not with words. But his actions? They were screaming. And yet these two had been dancing around each other for ages. Edna liked Joe, liked him a lot. He'd turned out to be a good boy in spite of the legacy of his forefathers and she admired him for that. But he wasn't right for her Stephie. Their lives were at opposing points. He had done his travelling, sown his oats and was ready to settle. As for Steph, she would bolt from being hemmed in, bolt from humdrum in a heartbeat. Edna shook her head. The question was: what did Stephanie want? Did she know herself? Did it even exist?

Edna lay her head back on the soft pillow and sighed. She was so tired. But she couldn't leave Stpehanie. Not yet.

ooOoo

Steph kicked her front door closed behind her, threw her keys on the coffee table and flopped herself on the sofa. What a day. She'd caught a break at last in catching Martin Varda and had allowed herself the rest of the afternoon off as a reward. The last week had been hard. Grandma had not responded as quickly to her treatment as the doctors – or Stephanie – would have liked. There was no way Steph could bring herself to leave initially, but Ranger had gently persuaded her, after three nights, that going home and getting some rest, would help Edna in the long run. The last thing the elderly lady needed was to see Steph ill and think she may be the cause. The fact that he had taken her, not to her apartment, but back to seven with its power shower, endless hot water, amazing bed with its thousand thread count sheets and an Ella had helped. Oh, and that he would also be in the super sized bed didn't harm his case either!

Unfortunately, that only lasted for a few days before Ranger was called away. As usual he couldn't tell her exactly why but from what he did say, he had been involved in something whilst 'in the wind' and had to go to DC for what he called a 'debrief'. She tried hard not to think about the current official Enquiry that was taking the country by storm into how the intelligence agencies had thwarted a series of terrorist cells just in time to prevent a domestic catastrophe. It hadn't been out of the papers or off of the news and she had heard enough to know that the major players were giving evidence to the Enquiry from behind screens via video link so as to protect their identities. The Enquiry happened to be in DC – but then so were a lot of things.

Shoving the thought from her mind, she pulled herself from the sofa and headed towards the shower via the kitchen and the PB and olive sandwich that was to be her dinner. For the first time ever, it sucked.

For a reason she couldn't explain she had felt it was only right to come back to her own apartment whilst Ranger was away. Of course, he'd made it clear that she didn't have to, but when she herself had realised how little time she had spent here since her grandma's diagnosis, guilt had made her come home. Home. Home? It certainly didn't feel like it anymore. Time was when this little, dated, run down apartment was her solace, her 'go to' place. Only now it felt like that job was taken elsewhere. Actually not by a where but more of a someone. And not even Rex was here. When she had swung by to collect him from Vince, the little fella had scuttled out of his soup can and looked at her as if daring her to move him from his new home. She'd backed off – from a hamster for god's sake!

Hell, she was confused. Things seemed to have really shifted between her and Ranger, but had they? Was it just the circumstances that they found themselves in, the pressures of the moment? Or had it been real? She was sure it was. Now wasn't the time was it? But she knew that she missed him and that counted for something didn't it? All she really knew for sure is that, not for the first time, she felt a lost.

ooOoo

Steph cracked open the door to her grandma's room and went quietly in.

"There's no need to creep, I'm awake," came a shaky voice.

Steph smiled and went to kiss her grandmother. Sitting on the bed and reaching for a chocolate lime, Steph asked Edna how she was.

"About the same," she replied. "Although I was talking to Dr Olsen today about what the next step is. He asked me where I wanted to be, you know, when the time came."

Steph stopped sucking the sweet and looked up sharply.

"Oh," she said quietly. "And?"

Edna looked at her tenderly and grasped her hand. She knew how hard this was for Stephanie.

"Dr Olsen said that I could be at home, be at home and then come to the hospital or go to the hospice and I've decided I want to go to St Luke's Hospice."

Stephanie took in a sharp breath.

"Not home?"

Edna shook her head.

"No, baby girl, that wouldn't be right. You have to remember that, although I live there, it's not my home; it's your mom and dad's home. I gave up my home when your grandfather died. And besides, would you want those memories there? And then there's MA, Angie and Lisa. I wouldn't want anything to happen to me whilst they were there, they'd never be the same again. No, I want to go to St Luke's. Millie Seranski was in there – wonderful place, and the food! Did you know they even let her dog in for a visit? And you can have a glass of wine with dinner. No, that's where I want to be."

Steph nodded but could say nothing. A comfortable silence fell over the room.

"So, what's the news with my baby grand daughter?"

"Well, I bought Martin Varda in today, so that was good and this morning I did some work for Rangeman."

"Is Ranger back from DC yet?"

Steph shook her head sadly. "No, not yet. I'm not sure when he'll be back."

Edna leaned a bony hand in and pushed away a shock of curls so she could see Steph's face.

"You miss him don't you?" she asked softly.

"Yeah, I do."

"Do you ever tell him?"

Steph laughed humourlessly.

"Have you met Ranger grandma? He's not the kind of guy you blurt things like that to however…" she stopped suddenly.

"However, what?"

"However much I want to," whispered Steph.

"But why not? Stephanie, that man loves you, you must know that!" exclaimed Edna.

"It's not that simple grandma," started Steph. "Ranger said…Ranger's said some things that make it clear that we're just good friends. Trust me."

Edna pulled herself up the bed a little so she could get a real good look at Steph.

"Stephanie, actions speak louder than words. Yes, words hurt, that old 'sticks and stones' thing is bunkum - words do harm, they harm a lot, but look at what he's done in the past weeks."

"He's a good man grandma – and he likes you."

"Stephanie, we both know, if we think about it hard enough, that none of this was done for me. Now don't worry I'm fine with that – in fact I'm more than fine with that. It was Ranger's choice and I can't thank him enough. But Stephie, listen to me: anyone can say I love you; not everyone can back it up. That boy, he backs it up and then some – and not just recently either. He always has."

Before Steph could answer a nurse came in with the evening meds for Edna. It wasn't long before she was watching her grandma fall asleep. She felt bad but she was glad. She didn't want to have this conversation and Edna wasn't going to let it drop, but she couldn't get it out of her head. It was all jumbled, whirling around in a confusing mess.

'Actions speak louder than words'. 'But anyone can say 'I love you; not everyone can back it up. That boy, he backs it up and then some – and not just recently either. He always has.' The words kept trilling around in her head, over and over.

Stephanie sat down in the easy chair next to Edna's bed. Her eye caught the comfy little cot bed that was made up in the corner. And then the tablet on Edna's over bed table. Revelation hit her like a bolt of lightning.

"Oh god, I've been such an idiot!" she exclaimed to no-one. "Grandma you're absolutely right! Actions do speak louder than words. Ranger's actions speak louder than words. How did I not notice the cot and the tablet – it even had Ghostbusters on for crying out loud! The Boston Cremes every morning! The trip. That wonderful trip. All overseen and paid for by Ranger. And he came with us. He could have easily had a couple of the guys stay, but he didn't."

Jumping up, she began pacing the room, still thinking out loud as her mind whirled, things falling in to place, suddenly finding clarity.

"But what about the things he said about not doing relationships and his love coming with a ring and a condom? And he sent me back to Joe grandma. He did, right after….well….and even that was part of a deal he was collecting on. How is that love?"

She stopped suddenly, realisation slamming in to her.

"Joe. It was because of Joe. God what an idiot I've been. How did I not see this before?"

Steph bent over, hands on thighs, head down taking a few deep breaths and strangely causing her neck to tingle. Standing back up she rubbed at it absently and looked over at her sleeping grandmother.

"I was always bouncing between an on off relationship with Joe. Of course Ranger wasn't going to do a relationship with me. Why would he invest anything in me emotionally when he thought I'd go back to Joe eventually? But the actions….'actions speak louder than words'…that's what you said wasn't it? The cars, the job, the protection, the offer of training, his apartment, basically all of Rangeman's resources were at my disposal. But why the deal? Why send me back to Joe when all he had to do was say something?"

She thought about it for a beat.

"Then again I guess I could have said something but didn't – but that doesn't mean he couldn't have. Then again, why would he? Maybe one day I'll ask him. God, this is so stupid! Do you know what I've realised grandma? That the whys and wherefores don't actually matter. It's history. What actually matters is how I feel now – what I've felt for a long time. I love him grandma. I love him so much. He's it for me. And these past weeks? Well it's just made me see it more clearly. And it seems like he might feel the same way, but…. I …. I don't think I could handle it if he didn't really feel the same. What do I do though? Do I just tell him? Can I do that?"

Steph collapsed back into the easy chair and closed her eyes, the outburst of emotion making her seek some quiet as a million possibilities ran through her brain and heart.

She didn't notice the small smile that crossed her grandmother's lips or the soft click of the door as he left.