Chapter 9

This broken heart can still survive with a touch of your grace.

They'd traveled all day, and they were close to the great water. Rusty could smell it. It was just one step closer to home, back to Madeline and the good Inspector. Soon, he'd leave this, this perception of himself behind and once again become Aubrey. Good, righteous, Madeline's Aubrey. For the first time in two years, Rusty's tail wagged with delight.

All the years of wondering and waiting was finally paying off. And to think, all he had to do was find a pack. Who knew going against instinct could pay off so well? How lucky was he? But another thought was tugging at the wolf dingo's heart like Aniu tugging at his tail.

What would happen to Aleu and Aniu once he was back in Nome? Could he abandon Aniu, no matter the cost? Could he truly do it? Would she hate him for it? Of course not! Surely she understood, right?

Deep down he knew the answer was no. When it came right down to it, there was no way she really could understand. For a moment, Rusty felt ashamed of himself. How could he possibly expect her, a young pup, to understand his situation? She knew little of the ways of man, and most likely wouldn't learn until she was older. All she would understand was that he was leaving her. After all that happened, after all the times they shared, he would leave her and let her down, just like he did Madeline…

She'd been one of the first victims of the typhoid outbreak. She was so weak the last time he saw her, still in her sickbed. The Inspector was desperate to save his daughter, and that desperation got worse when it was discovered the sled dog team sent to retrieve the medicine was lost. He hadn't been the only one who heard about it. His sick little girl did too.

Aubrey put his head on his paws, which rested on the girl's bed. She was pale, looking worse than usual. The wolf dingo knew there was nothing he could do except offer her comfort. He never wanted to leave her side. He let out a soft whine and licked her face. Madeline opened her little gray eyes and smiled at her beloved friend and guardian.

"Hey buddy" she reached a little hand out and pet his head, between his ears, "You gotta find 'em" she coughed, "You and papa have to find the team….please, for me…for everyone. I know you can do it…I believe in you Aubrey".

Aubrey let out a soft whine and replied, though she didn't understand: "Oh I promise…You're going to live little one. I promise" he licked her face again to reassure her…

But he'd failed, Rusty remembered. He'd failed her. Balto had found the team, not him. And god only knew if he had gotten the medicine to his beloved human in time. What had he done? Well, he saved her father's life from a bear attack, but at great cost…

"Aniu's asleep" Aleu's voice sounded and pulled him out of his thoughts.
"I figured as much. Are you going to try to pry into me again?" he asked.
"Not tonight. I think I battered you enough".
"That you did".
"Sorry".
"I've been through worse. But that's one of the best things about being an inspector's dog. You learn a couple things about intimidation and its use as a weapon. You were only doing what you thought was right and so I blame you for nothing".
"Rusty…c'mon, you gotta give me some answers here. I can't help you if you don't tell me anything about you. I know I wanna keep the peace here, and I've been silent long enough, waiting for you to tell me more about yourself. I don't wanna pry but…but I wanna know what you're all about".
"The details of my life are currently inconsequential, especially to someone like you, as there really isn't much to tell".
"I think there is. You just don't wanna say for fear of judgment".
"I fear no judgment, as it isn't within your rights to judge me. I'll make you a deal, how's that?".
"What kind of deal?"
"Get me to Nome, and once we get there, I'll tell you everything you wanna know".
"Can you at least tell me some things now?"
"Two questions. That's it".

Aleu knew she had to pick them wisely. Rusty was perceptive, she knew, and chances are, given the chance, he'd dodge the question or come up with one to fire back at her. She had many questions, but which to ask first? She sighed and finally asked:

"How did you get separated from them? Your humans I mean".
"Bear fight. We were out doing an investigation and a bear attacked him. I fought the bear off and distracted it while Inspector Aubrey went to go find help. Broke my back in the process".
"Ouch".
"Doesn't even begin to describe it. I was unconscious for some time, when I woke I was in some kind of large den, and there was a wolf there. Never before or since then had I met one as generous as her".

This caught Aleu's interest. He'd been nursed back to health by a wolf? His story just kept getting more and more intriguing to her. Still…she had just one other question and then he'd answer no more until Nome.

"Back in Nome, were you ever interested in like…I don't know…getting a mate and starting a family?"
"No" Rusty sighed, "Never was interested, never had time. Crime didn't rest and neither did I. A mate and pups would've held me back from my duty".
"But…but surely there was something else you wanted from life, not just your job or your human family".
"I had all I could want. I had the love of my girl and the respect of my superiors. That was all I could afford to want at that time. I took what I could get, no matter how little. It still satisfied me".
"You poor dog…" Aleu sighed, "You say there's things I don't understand. But there's a hell of a lot more things that you're not aware of that I am".
"Like what?".
"Like how to love. I mean, you loved once but now, it's like…like you're frozen inside. I've been trying to figure out why all this time. I mean I know your separation from Madeline has something to do with it, but there has to be something else. Something else you never knew and now I think I know what that is".
"Oh?"
"Despite it all, you were still lonely. You never let yourself get close to any of the dogs in Nome, I'll bet not even your fellow police dogs".
"No. They weren't exactly the most accepting type".
"So you were isolated even before you met us? You only ever grew attached to humans and so…that's why you didn't fit in. You took on their mannerisms. You didn't wanna be canine at all. You wanted to be human!".
"There were days I wished I was. But it wasn't that way all the time. To be honest, I loved Madeline, and her love was all I ever needed. She saved me when all else failed. Sure her father rescued me from my previous life, but it was her, it was Madeline who put me back together and made me stronger than before. I became a police dog to keep her and others like her safe".
"Like I said, you were probably a wonderful police dog. You're strong, dedicated, a good…well, dare I say it, but you're a good man. And I personally think anyone would be lucky to have someone like you".
"I hate flattery. It's just another way to lie".
"I'm not lying. I mean hell, one of these days I'd like to have a mate like you, someone who can lead the pack with strength but fairly too".
"What kind of leader would you really like?" he asked out of curiosity.

To be honest, Rusty wasn't liking where this conversation was going. But things were slipping from both their minds, things that were on both their hearts for some time now. Rusty never did anything half way, especially not matters of the heart. He'd learned the hard way not to do anything half way.

"Strict, but fair and kind hearted" she answered.
"Nothing like me".
"I beg to differ".
"How so?"
"Well you're strict about what you do, and like I said you're dedicated. Even now you're showing some of your old police training I think. Fair because you look out for everyone, including the accused. And kind hearted because never once have you raised a paw or fang to me or my daughter. She needs a father like that".
"Is that an invitation?"
Aleu's eyes widened at the wolf dingo's sudden boldness. "Only if you're accepting".

Where the heck did that come from?! The only thing that surprised her more than his boldness was now hers. Looking at the situation right though, he was a good man. A man of authority, but knew when it was right to be calm and gentle, even playful. It was just so sad he didn't what she did.

Rusty sighed. "She deserves better than me. She deserves a full blood wolf, not some half breed dingo bastard…at least that's what I was called by…a certain someone".
"Who?"
"Don't worry about it. He's probably dead in a ditch somewhere".
"Oh…well still, you think bloodlines are all that matter. It's not what matters. Aniu loves you".
"Yes she does, but do you?"

Did she? Aleu wasn't sure what she felt about him. Sure he was good, but there was so much baggage, so much darkness in him she wasn't sure if she could handle it all. Not to mention he was going back to his family. Who was she to keep him away? Sure she could go with him, but that would mean to abandon her pack, which was something she wasn't bound to do now or ever. Again, who was she to keep him away from all that he loved? He was so free, but yet so entrapped.

"I'm willing to make a compromise for her. I'd give up all I had to make her happy, including having a mate who just wants to take care of her".
"You'd make yourself miserable for her?"
"Yes" Aleu nodded.
"That is both a virtue and a folly. I'll have you know, I'd never make you miserable. A compromise would be out of the question. If you want me there for Aniu, you both would have to stay with me or I'd have to go with you. And I'm not leaving my family anytime soon".
"I know. I won't make you. I'm just saying that if the circumstances were…different".
"Can I ask you a question, Miss Aleu?"
"Yes you may…Officer Rusty".
"If the circumstances were indeed different, if I was different, could you have loved me?"

It was a question Aleu dreaded. He looked hopeful, yet was so good at keeping that hope hidden…what could she say? How could she say it and make it the truth? Or was it the truth already? A part of her felt some strange attachment to the wolf dingo already, so if she answered yes it wouldn't entirely be untrue, as a part of her cared for him now.

She took a deep breath. "Yes".
"Thank you" was all he said.
"For what?"
"At least caring. Now, go back to Aniu. She might wake up and need you. I'll see you both in the morning. Good night, Miss Aleu" he bowed his head respectfully as she turned and went back to the makeshift burrow he'd made not too long ago.

He looked up at the dark sky and wondered if indeed his circumstances were different, could he bring himself to love Aleu? She wasn't bad at all, and she was a strong leader. She didn't need him for strength, but it was nice to be wanted. All his life he'd been needed, more times needed than wanted. Only Madeline and Inspector Aubrey ever truly wanted him. Why go back to a world where he wasn't welcome? None of this really seemed to make sense to him anymore. Rusty wanted to go back to his beloved humans to prove his love and loyalty, but at the same time he wanted to stay with Aleu and at least help her to raise Aniu. Torn in two ways…there was no way he could fix one without compromising the other.

"What can I do? I won't abandon Maddie again…but I can't hurt Aniu either. What if there comes a time when they both need me?! God, I can't let either one of them down!"

He feared this would happen sometime soon. It was better now than later down the road, he guessed. But still, he didn't want to break either heart, which would end in the inevitable break of his own.

"Oh wait" he thought, "It was never whole to begin with".