Chapter 9

Lindsay looked tenderly at the two most important men in her life. Brian was sitting on the floor helping Gus build a LEGO castle. The boy was so excited with his father's visit that his eyes were sparkling like diamonds, and he had a radiant smile on his face. Brian's visit was quite unexpected, he usually called before coming. This time he just appeared at their door with a huge box and a sheepish smile. She wasn't really surprised though; with Justin in New York, Brian was coming quite regularly to see his son.

What surprised her was when he accepted the guest room she offered just to be polite. He never stayed in their house when he visited, but this time he didn't even blink before saying yes, and announced he would stay for two weeks. Mel wasn't too happy about it, but Brian was Gus's father, and if Michael could use the guest room when he visited JR, so could Brian.

Surprisingly, he was one of the first to wake up every morning, and sometimes even took Gus and JR to school. Then he would spend the whole morning by himself while the girls went to work, and when the kids returned from school, he would stay with his son as if he was glued to the boy, until he tucked him in bed to sleep. He only got out at night a couple of times, and didn't come home as late as Lindsay expected. Gus was enjoying every moment of it, and Mel could barely hide her jealousy. The boy only had eyes for his dad.

"There, Sonnyboy, your castle is ready."

"Can we put a flag on the roof, Dad?" Gus asked, clapping his hands excitedly.

"Sure, it's your castle. Go get it."

The boy got up and went up the stairs hurriedly. It was late Sunday night and Mel was upstairs putting JR to sleep. Brian got up too, stretching his limbs.

"Shit, my back is killing me."

"Do you want a massage? I'm quite good at it." Lindsay said with a mischievous smile.

"Promise you won't take advantage of me?" he mocked.

"Hey, I'm a married woman. Come here," she motioned to her side.

Brian sat beside her on the sofa and turned his back to her. She got up and stayed behind him, starting to massage his stiff muscles.

"So," she started casually, "have you been talking to Justin?"

"Yes." He said simply, offering no details.

"And…?" she pressed.

"And would you please move your hands a little higher, between my shoulder blades? Aaaahhhh, that's it."

"Is he excited about his show?"

"He said it won't be his show, Lindz. He will show some of his paintings during the graduation party, along with all his colleagues."

"But the critics will be there because of the contest. And to look for the next Jackson Pollock, of course. "

"Yeah, the contest," he murmured absent-minded.

Lindsay felt her heart tightening in her chest. There was the answer for Brian's unexpected visit, and more, for his unexpected behavior. He was feeling insecure about Justin and was trying to compensate the feeling of loss with Gus. She knew he loved their son, but it wasn't like Brian to suddenly show up and behave himself like the good boy she knew he wasn't. Every time he felt the string being pulled more than he could handle, he never complained nor said anything about what was upsetting him. He sought someone who really mattered to him, like his son, as if he wanted to store good moments in his head before the storm.

"I'm going back to the Pitts tomorrow. Ted called today. Liberty Air wants a new campaign, " he announced.

"Hey, didn't you make that already? I saw some new ads in the magazines."

"That was for the holidays. We're almost in March now."

"Oh. I thought you were going to New York from here. You know, since you're already traveling…"

"No," he said abruptly.

"Why don't you go there and see him?"

"What for?" Brian snapped. "He's busy, I'm busy. I'll go to his show."

"It's in June! And didn't you just say it's not a show?"

"Shit, Lindz…"

"Daaaaad!" Gus called from upstairs. "I can't choose the right flag! Come and help me!"

Brian got up in a swift movement, trying to hide his relief. Sometimes Lindsay really sucked, she sounded like the fucking Inquisition! "Sorry, duty calls," he said smiling to her and went up the stairs as fast as he could.

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"Really, Mel, you don't have to do this," Brian said again.

"Come on, Brian," the woman smiled. "I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for my wife and my son."

"MY son," he said sounding amused.

She rolled her eyes. "OUR son, then. Besides, did you notice we managed not to argue this time?"

"Why Mel, I didn't know you actually enjoyed arguing…" he gave her his tongue-in-cheek smile.

"I don't. But you were almost…nice," she couldn't help it, she loved annoying him.

"Shit, Mel! I hate being called "nice". It's so unlike me. Try another adjective, please."

" Okay. How about…asshole?"

"Ha ha. I could say the same about you."

Mel laughed a little. This almost friendly moment with Brian was foreign to her. They never got along well. But she couldn't deny he surprised her sometimes. Like when he spent every cent just to stop Stockwell years before. And when he let Justin go. She imagined he would make a drama of it, but he accepted and encouraged the blond. She couldn't tell if he regretted his decision; Brian was Brian, and to her he was really hard to read and to understand. She always hated the pull Lindsay felt toward him. It made Mel feel she was not enough to her wife. But lately, she had been forced to admit Brian wasn't the selfish prick she imagined.

He grabbed his suitcase and sighed. Gus was at school and Lindsay was working, so Mel had volunteered to drive him to the airport. "Well, I'm ready. Let's go, my plane leaves in two hours."

"Don't forget to call Gus tonight. He'll miss you."

Mel saw a shadow cross his face, and he looked away, frowning a little. "Don't worry, I'll miss him too. Besides, Lindsay made me promise call as soon as I land. Time to go."

"Yeah, let's go." She headed for the car, Brian right behind her. She caught herself thinking when the hell Brian Kinney had turned into a loving father.

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Justin sighed, relieved, when he crossed the street and approached his building. He was tired as hell. Patricia had a new show coming at the gallery and he had to make sure everything was at the right place. He still had two projects to finish for Tuesday morning and an entire book to read for Friday. It was a cold night, although winter was far behind, and he buttoned his coat. His allergies always got worse in the winter and got better in spring, but they were already in April and he was still sneezing all the time.

"Oh, Great!" he murmured to himself, seeing the sign at the elevator's door. "Broken again." It was an old building, but the apartment was really nice. His room wasn't big but it was enough. Thank God it was on the third floor, he thought, going up the stairs. It was still early, but he didn't want to study tonight. All he wanted was a bath, a sandwich and his bed. Maybe he would call Brian, they haven't talked for a week.

As soon as he opened the door, he saw a familiar figure sprawled on the couch.

"Hey, Phill. How's it going?" he said, throwing himself on the rocking chair near the TV.

"Hi Justin," Phill said, barely looking at him.

"What happened? Are you alright?"

"Well…"Philip sighed. "Lizzie is pregnant."

"Wow…that's…"

"Crazy? I know. I can't stop thinking about it. It was an accident, and I don't want to let her down, but… I'm not ready to be a father."

"Did you tell Steph?"

"Not yet. I'm not anxious to get a lecture from my older sister, you know."

"Come on, Phil. Steph loves you, and she's really fond of your girlfriend."

"I know, but since Mom died she took it upon herself to 'take care' of me, even being only two years older. You know how possessive she can be."

"Especially about you," Justin agreed. "But I would tell her soon, if I were you. You'll need her help to break the news to your father."

"Shit! My father…I can already see him red as a tomato, yelling at me for being irresponsible, blah, blah, blah... Fuck, I don't even have a job!"

"Easy, Phil. Tell your sister, I'm sure she'll help you."

"I sure hope so, man. Lizzie is crying all the time, she thinks I'm gonna disappear or something. It must be her fucking hormones."

"Women…" Justin snorted. "Well, I need a shower," he said, getting up.

"Wait, man! I'm sorry, I completely forgot to tell you…all this baby thing in my head is making me crazy. You have a guest."

"A guest?"

"Yes." Phillip smiled knowingly. "Your boyfriend."

Justin felt his heart beating so fast that he thought it would jump out of his chest. "Brian?" he asked with a wide smile.

"Yeah, this one. He was at the door when I arrived this afternoon. I told him to wait in your room. I was sure you wouldn't mind, it's the best place for you two, after all these months apart…"

"God, he is incredible! I haven't talked to him for almost a week, and he comes here like this…"

"Well," Phillip said still smiling, "I'll go out for a walk. I need some air, and I definitely don't want to hear you two catching up."

"Hey!" Justin shoved Phil's arm playfully. "You never heard us. Every time he came here you were out of town."

"Thank God! I don't wanna hear anything. Steph said you two are pretty…noisy," Phillip added with a smile, heading for the door.

Justin was a little nervous. He wasn't expecting to see Brian so soon, he never came without calling first. Smiling, he thought that was one of the reasons he loved Brian so much. The man was unpredictable; out of nothing he decided to do something romantic, just to surprise him.

Running his hand through his hair, he went straight to the bathroom. He looked at his reflection, seeing his still red nose from sneezing. "Shit, I must stink!" he thought. He washed his face, brushed his teeth and combed his hair. He was wearing the same clothes since morning, but he knew Brian loved his smell. Even so, he wanted to look presentable.

Walking slowly to his room, he pictured Brian waiting for him. He would kiss him so hard that his lips would bruise. He imagined Brian's big hands caressing his body, and felt a familiar bulge in his jeans. He opened the door slowly, wanting to look into Brian's hazel eyes and tell him how much he had missed him.

"Hello, Justin. I thought you were never coming home."

Justin gasped, all the air suddenly leaving his lungs. "Ethan."

Justin was speechless. What the fuck was Ethan Gold doing in HIS bedroom?

"Aren't you going to say something?" asked Ethan rising from Justin's armchair.

"Yeah. What are you doing here?" said the blond, recovering from his shock.

"Your little friend let me in. Apparently he thought I was…someone else. I didn't bother to correct him."

"Well, that's obvious," Justin snorted, "but how the fuck did you find out where I live?"

"I told you, your boss, Patricia, that adorable woman happens to love violin music. And I can be very…persuasive." Ethan grinned, approaching Justin, who involuntarily took two steps back.

"Get out."

"Come on, Justin…you know you want me to stay," Ethan whispered seductively.

"You know I don't. We're through and we have been for a long time."

"We're not. I still want you."

"But I don't want you, Ethan. I am in a relationship now.."

"Are you talking about that Brian?" Ethan laughed. "You are so silly Justin. Don't you see he'll never give you what you want?"

"I see perfectly well, Ethan. He gives me ALL I want. He doesn't need to hide me, unlike you."

Ethan's face was suddenly serious. "I did hurt you, didn't I?"

Justin sighed and turned away, putting more distance between them. "Yes, you did. But it doesn't matter now. I'm happy."

"Are you?" Ethan's eyes were pleading. "How can you be happy leaving here alone? You're not together. I know he's in Pittsburgh , living the same life he did before, as if you were nothing."

"You don't know anything about us!" Justin snapped. "And what the fuck, why now, Ethan? After all this time? You chose your own path when you decided to deny who you are. You were the one who decided to play the nice and sexy straight guy. You were the one who cheated on me!"

"What if I tell you I regret my decision? That my career is important but my heart is far more important?"

"I'm really sorry for you. But I'm not the answer you're looking for. It's a little late for this; I moved on, you should do the same."

"I can't, Justin. Seeing you again in that gallery months ago, made me realize the fool I was for letting you go. You're so special, Justin. I was a fool, I want another chance."

"Sorry, that's not going to happen. And please, stop calling me in the middle of the night, like you did when I was in Pittsburgh for Christmas. It won't work."

"I bet Brian didn't like to know it was me…"

"He didn't care. He trusts me." Justin said simply, but he averted his eyes, and that didn't go unnoticed by Ethan.

"I'm sure he does," said the brunet, smiling sarcastically.

"Please Ethan, go. This is the last time I'll ask you: leave me alone. I'm never coming back to you. You can call me, follow me, kidnap me, I don't care. I don't love you, I don't think I ever did. You can't fall in love with words and roses, can you? Just go."

Ethan's face turned red with rage. "Why, Justin? You don't have to be with him. I'm a rich man now, I'm famous, I can give you everything you want. You don't need his money anymore! I can give you so much more than he ever did! All the beautiful things you deserve, Justin. "

Justin looked at him disbelievingly, "Are you saying I'm with Brian because of his money? Are you calling me what, a whore?"

"Well ,you certainly didn't think twice before going back to him, right after we broke up. After all he put you through, you went back running to the comfort he offered you!"

"Because never, in our whole time together, did Brian lied to me. Not even once! I can't say the same about you and your empty words. Now GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

Justin left his bedroom, headed for the door and opened it, waiting for Ethan to get out. The other man crossed the living room slowly, and stopped in front of Justin.

"I won't give up. You're the one I love. I'll fight for you, and I'll win you back, you'll see."

"I'm not a prize, Ethan. I'm a person and it's my choice who I wanna be with. And it's not with you."

Ethan looked at him sadly. If Justin didn't know how great a liar he was (he could even be an actor, he was so good at pretending), he would feel pity. But he knew what happened when he decided to trust in words more than in actions, and he vowed never to do it again. The young brunet left without saying another word, and Justin closed the door with a heavy feeling inside his chest.

He hated to hurt people, and there was no pleasure in hurting Ethan, even if Ethan had hurt him. That was in the past, and Justin knew he didn't regret leaving the fiddler. Everything he had with Brian was so much more worthy than his brief relationship with the musician.

But since Ethan walked in Hart's Gallery and saw Justin working there, he did everything to win Justin back. He started to "show unexpectedly" in the places he knew the blond would be, became Patricia's friend, so Justin's boss gave him the blond's phone number and now his address… Justin knew she meant no harm, she probably had a crush on Ethan, like most women. Ethan was a charming young man and, of course, everyone still thought he was straight.

Of course, Justin hadn't summoned courage enough to tell Brian about this. He knew Ethan was a touchy subject for Brian. The night Ethan called him in the middle of the night, when he was at the loft with Brian, he just couldn't say it was the fiddler. So he made up it was Phillip, because it was the first name that came into his mind. Phil was his friend, and they got along very well, but the guy was straight as an arrow, and now was about to be a father.

Justin felt guilty; he hated to lie, especially to Brian, who never lied. But that fucking night, he had just arrived in Pittsburgh , he missed Brian so much…how could he say Ethan was calling him, following him everywhere? Brian would think Justin was encouraging the fiddler, when he was really on the contrary; he was getting tired of telling Ethan to fuck off, but the man just wouldn't listen. He had lied to Brian, and he tried his best to forget about it, telling himself it wasn't important; but he knew it was, because he never wanted to lose Brian's trust in him.

Their relationship was stronger than ever in some aspects, but Justin couldn't stop feeling as if he was walking on a very thin line, and every wrong step he took would cause him to lose Brian forever. He knew it didn't depend solely on him, Brian was responsible for their future together too. And he was a very difficult person to live with. But sometimes Justin felt as if it was up to him to make things between the two of them work, because he was the most open of the two. If they could survive these hard times, they would survive anything.

He picked his cell phone and pressed the speed button, praying to hear Brian's voice; but it went straight to voicemail.

"Hi, it's me. Where are you? I know it's still early, but…are you in Babylon? Shit, I'm sorry, just forget it. Later."

He wished Daphne was with him, she always understood him so much. Even Stephanie was out of town on a trip with her boyfriend. Sighing, he decided to take a shower and sleep, maybe tomorrow he would talk to Brian and everything would be fine. His cell phone rang, and his heart almost skipped a beat; almost, because it wasn't Brian's ringtone.

"Justin? It's Phill."

"Hi."

"Something wrong?"

"No."

"Uhh, listen, I'm gonna stay here at Lizzie's tonight. So…you guys will have the whole place for yourselves."

"Okay."

"Umm…bye."

"Bye. See you tomorrow."

As he turned of the cell phone, he looked at his watch. It was still eleven PM, and he wondered for the tenth time where Brian would be. It was Friday night, after all. Opening the refrigerator, he grabbed one of Phill's beers, all thought of sleeping leaving his mind.