~*~ Author's Note ~*~

Yeah, so I'm on effing cloud 9. The verdict on the case some of you are familiar with came out, and the guy got 7 years, hooray. I am now officially on , awesome. My summer classes are finally finished, relieved… and I have the best readers in the world!

And give a big hand to my beta, Kinolaughs. She took the time out of her busy schedule to help me polish this chapter up!

~*~I Have Decided to Be Selfish~*~

EPOV:

I had tried to fight it at the bar, I had tried to fight it during dinner, and I had tried to fight it as my lips grazed the closest thing to paradise they had ever touched. I tried to fight and I fucking lost. I lost by one point in overtime at the championship game.

Score Cullen: 0

The girl of my dreams basically dragged me out of the pizzeria, a look so wild in her eyes that it made my Adam's apple clench with want. Did I think of the way she would feel against me, the way her hair would swish around my face, enveloping me completely? Of course I did. I wanted so much just to reach out and touch every little piece of her skin I could get my hands on—

But the goddamn dollars, strewn out all over the table, seemed to scream at me from all sides....

And there had been the menus, and the cut of the pizza, and the sauce, and the waitress, and so many multitudes of little things that seemed to suffocate me little by little until I was drowning in a sea of insanity.

Where was I and what the fuck was I doing? My fingers shook with adrenaline as I bent over the rickety table where I had left the bills. They were nowhere to be found.

Ah, well kudos to them, they must have eloped along with your dignity.

I hadn't done something this openly odd in years, and as much as I hated myself for it, I also knew that Bella was outside, wondering what the hell I'd been smoking. Like two disgusting beacons, a couple of plastic sacks bulging out under stretched flesh, showing me the way, I caught sight of the waitress.

This was going to get awkward.

"Excuse me, Miss?" I literally screamed at the girl, not wanting to contaminate my hand by touching her.

"Oh, hey you. Did ya forget something?" She fluttered her eyes ridiculously, while plumping out her breasts yet again.

I pinched the bridge of my nose with my fingers and muttered. "This is going to sound insane, but do you mind placing the money I left back on the table for a few moments?"

"Honey, whatever you want."

She fucking had the audacity to wink at me as she attempted to sashay back to the table. Reaching into her apron, she laid the bills back down on the table, then turned around, her back leaning against its edge.

"You need anything else, you just let me know," she said with a little giggle.

I tried with all of my might to swallow down any sort of sarcastic remark begging to be let out, knowing full well that she'd probably take it as an advance.

As she walked away slowly, I turned my eyes to the bills. My chest heaved as I let out a deep sigh, feeling each small piece of soft paper that held me captive. With each flick of the wrist and each movement of paper, my breathing decreased, and I felt free again.

Ten…five centimeters…five… five centimeters…five…five centimeters. Hamilton smiling benignly down on twin Lincolns; crisp, clean edges creating its own perfect square.

My heart was completely elated as I ran hurriedly towards the front door. I would be fine now and I could act somewhat normal around Bella. I smiled slightly to myself, indulging in a replay of our encounter over the greasy pizza as my face stung with the impact of the Chicago night air.

Bella wasn't there.

I knew it would only be a matter of time, knew that at one point or another she would get sick of all the psychotic things I had subjected her to. I knew it, and yet I grimaced as the true pain of it stabbed through me.

Shrugging my coat jacket up to my ears, I began power-walking down the alleyway.

So this was it. If I'd ever had a chance to truly be with someone I felt as if it had been with Bella. And I fucking blew it. I would, most definitely, end up desolate and alone with ten cats.

Except for the fact that I fucking hate cats. The way they needily rub up on your leg and have a nasty affinity for—

"Oomph!"

It was possibly the most beautiful, the most hysterical, and the most worrisome vision I had ever seen. Bella, her foot flying up over her head as she clutched onto her hair, landing squarely on her ass on the sidewalk. Beautiful because she was there, hysterical because, well, the sight was pretty damn comedic, and worrisome because I had a feeling it had something to do with me.

Also worrisome because it may have absolutely nothing to do with me. At all.

I rushed behind her, reveling in the fact that I would get to touch her yet again, and gripped between her little arms. I could feel her shaking, and her tremble turned into mine as I pulled her up to her feet.

"Oh, Jesus, Bella. Are you alright?" I asked, breathing in the scent of strawberries and wind and sex. God, I couldn't help myself. Attempting to ground myself and the regions below my belt that seemed all too eager to respond, I cleared my throat and asked, "What were you doing?"

I'm not sure what I meant by the question. A large part of me wondered if she would respond by saying, "Walking away from your crazy ass, of course."

Instead, she shocked me yet again with her boldness by stating coldly, "I might ask you the same question."

So there it was. She had finally gotten sick of my antics, disgusted by the impulses I tried so hard to keep locked away from her. A brief part of me wondered if Alice had been able to keep her mouth shut at work, if she had kept her word that she would be discreet.

Part of me hoped that she hadn't, then Bella could realize how severely fucked up I was without me having to tell her myself. I struggled to push any sort of sentence out of my mouth.

"I... I had to... Take care of something."

And great; I sounded like a serial killer. Oh, sorry, Bella, that I ran away from you. Just had to murder a few people, hire a couple hit men, go visit my shrine of crimes past. The usual.

Her cheeks seemed as if they were burning a brilliant red as I looked hopefully into her eyes, willing her to understand that there was more to me than I had let her see.

"Thank you so much for dinner. It was great. Bye," she said in a clipped voice, thrusting out her hand.

If I thought I had lost her before, it was nothing compared to the onset of emotions I was feeling at that very second. I couldn't just let her go, face to face. I was growing accustomed to the fact that I had begun to need her just as much, if not more, than my silly, ridiculous compulsions.

Had I not said before that I would fight? That I would man-up and fucking grow a pair?

I looked into those beautifully hurt brown eyes and touched her outstretched hand with a tentative hold. If she was going to leave me, I at least needed to feel her against me once more. With a short breath, I pulled her hand up to my cheek.

It was so small and warm.

I could tell her. I could let go of everything and explain.

"Bella," I said, willing myself to get the words out, to let her see just how complicated my twisted little mind was.

"Bella," I murmured again. I could tell her, and maybe she would understand, maybe she would smile and say she knew all along.

Maybe she would be repulsed by my hang-ups and keep trudging down the dark alleyway. For some reason, losing her without her knowing all of me seemed so much easier than her rejecting the complete mess of a person that I am.

"Let's... Let's get you home," I said, taking her hand from my face and resolving my silence. No, she didn't have to know. I could keep on pretending. Keep on being selfish.

Her eyes dropped from mine as she started to walk. I kept her hand in mine, halfway wondering whether she would run away from me if I let go.

Way to fuck everything up, Cullen, and for what? A couple numbers on some crumpled pieces of paper? Way to go.

We walked in complete silence, the light tap of her sneakers walking in sync with my paces.

God, she's beautiful.

God, you're so damn selfish.

God, I just stepped on a crack. Fuck.

God, she's perfect.

With each little thought in my mind, I felt my hand spasm around hers. I think I was holding onto her physically in order to keep her entwined with me. Yeah, now I'm a nutcase and a really creepy date.

As we walked up the steps to her apartment, my brow creased in complete confusion. She stopped at the door of my sister's apartment. I dropped her hand in shock, wondering when the hell Alice had planned on telling me this little piece of information. She was too conniving for her own good.

Alice and I would have to talk.

I was cut off from my reflections by a torrent of sentences spurting from Bella's mouth. She seemed flustered, and I caught little phrases like "really sorry", "offended you", and "appreciate you".

Bella was apologizing? What universe had I stepped into? My heart broke at the thought of her feeling like any of this crazy mess was her fault. It was then that I did the most natural thing that has ever come to me.

No tick. No trigger. No ulterior motive. No obsession or compulsion.

I kissed her. My neck exploded into tiny goosebumps as I felt her soft lips against mine, and I had to try with all my might to fight back the tears of relief that were threatening to break through.

I was able to be with her, to touch her, to kiss her, without being preempted by my own thoughts.

"You apologize too much, you know that?" I said to her, wanting her to know that absolutely nothing she had done could make me dislike her. Each thing that she had worried about were the very things that made me smile.

"Sorry," she blushed.

And that's what I did. I smiled like a fucking homeless man that just found a shiny new shopping cart.

"Goodnight," I said, kissing her lightly on the forehead and touching my nose against her hairline. I needed to leave, needed to keep the botched pieces of the night sewn together as much as I possibly could.

I walked down the stairs, and heard the door creak open. Part of me wanted to run back up to her, to stay with her just a little longer. That's when my cell phone buzzed in my pocket.

Ummm... I just got completely cock-blocked. Freaking grow a pair and either ask her out again, or come and get her so I can have Jasper all to myself.

Alice.

I brushed off the disturbing mental picture spawned by my sister's complaint that I ruined her little sexcapade, then pondered what she'd sent me.

Yes, I was concerned about leaving the night where it was at, letting it be a little patchy, but decent nonetheless. But Bella deserved more than "decent". She deserved everything that I could give.

So I marched back up the stairs and knocked on the door.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

I was met with a bewildered and glowing Bella.

"Um, I just wanted, well, needed to ask you, are you free next Friday?"

I smiled as she nodded her head up and down. Fucking adorable.

After promising to call her within the week, I leaned in from the doorway, cautious to not step over the threshold. I'd done enough compulsive things tonight, and the last thing I needed to do was to complicate it more by walking into her apartment.

Our lips met once more, but I couldn't reach her as I wanted to, deeply taste her like I needed to, because the smile refused to leave my face.

"Goodnight, Alice. Don't catch a cold or mom will skin me alive," I winked mischievously at her, giving her my "You've got some serious explaining to do" look as I leaned back out of the doorway.

It took me approximately twenty seconds to reach the main landing of the complex. It took Bella approximately one minute and forty seconds after that to shut the door. I squinted up at the cracked door when the stairs ended, and I caught sight of a piece of Bella's beautifully tangled hair being whipped against the door frame by the wind.

It may not have meant anything to her, but I beamed at the fact that she hadn't shut the door on me… not yet.