Disclaimer: I don't own Sweeney Todd. Tim Burton and Stephen Sondheim are responsible for that masterpiece, and I'm responsible for butchering it (no pun intended.) Thank you all, my wonderful reviewers. You've all made this worthwhile enough for me to keep writing it, and now, without any more of my useless bladder, here's the final installment of the show!

"Poor Myn," May Apple said in her sickly sweet, fickle-sounding way.

"It's 'Min'," Alma corrected serenely. May Apple groaned. She was tired of her fellow Sue's constant oblivious nature and perpetual eating of meat pies. But today, the game show would be over and everyone would see that she was the ultimate Sweeney Todd Mary Sue.

"So, this is it then," Alma said. "One of us will win, and one of us will probably disappear into the abyss that's become of this game show."

"Don't you think it's a little suspicious that people keep disappearing?" asked May Apple. Alma munched on a pie.

"Nope. Say, d'you think we should do that thing where we say nice things about everyone who was voted off and stuff?" asked Alma.

"Nah. I suspect most of them are dead, anyway."

"Really?"

May Apple didn't know for sure, but she was determined to find out.

"You know, Alma...I'm really going to miss you once I win and solve the mystery of this show and become revered and have a national holiday named after me and you're still stuck in your lowly place," May Apple randomly said.

Alma's expression was blank. "As my cousin Jolene would have said...I'm going to eat your flesh."

She had no idea how right she was.

The next morning, the two Sues headed down to the emporium for their final challenge. They were both blindfolded, and Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett derived much entertainment from them falling down the stairs several times, and, when they entered the main room, they heard distinct giggling...

"Alright, take off your blindfolds," said the cameraman, and the two finalists did so. Much to their surprise, there, sitting at the tables, were Antonia, Katyana (hung over as ever), Jolene (nursing injuries from being hit with a globe), and Myn, who didn't remember changing her name. Actually, she didn't remember anything, as she suffered from amnesia, a word which here means, 'she forgot every detail of her life and it was a miracle she remembered how to eat and breathe.'

"You guys, it's wonderful to see you!" chirped Alma. "How about a pie for old times' sake?"

"Wait, where are the others?" wondered May Apple aloud.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER, JUST DO THE CHALLENGE!" Mrs. Lovett snapped. Everyone stared.

"Uuh...terribly sorry 'bout that. Now, all you each have to do is tell the viewers why you deserve to win, and the Sues who were voted off will decide who wins."

"Are you kidding me?" May Apple raved. "That's been done to death! Every Mary Sue game show does that!"

"Stop yelling!" Katyana winced.

"I like cereal," said Myn.

"SOMEBODY JUST GO ALREADY!"

"Alright," May Apple began. "I'll start. Clearly, I'm the more perfect of the finalists. I am a sad authoress's bad spin on a Disney Princess. My hair shines like gold, my eyes are two deep wells that lead to my soul, I rescue stray puppies and help homeless people and I'm the all-around most amazing person in the world that everyone should hope to be! Plus, I'm incredibly sexy! Everyone in this movie wants inside my pants, but I don't say yes to all of them because I'm Not That Kind Of Girl (c). I've made the cameraman barf at least twice with my sweetness, so I deserve to be the Ultimate Sweeney Todd Mary Sue! Plus, there's a terrible secret about--"

"Time's up," said Mr. Todd. "Alma, your turn."

Alma smirked. "See, Princess Poo-Poo Pants is deluding herself. She may be sickeningly sweet, but I have a place in this universe. I have a goofy plotline with my true love, Tobias Ragg. I can also do loads of random Sueish stuff, like eat a millionty bazillion meat pies and never gain weight. And did she ever sing, other than the time we were all forced to? I don't think so! But I did! And I also have nice hair that cascades in luscious curls! And I'm quirky and friendly and my obliviousness makes me terribly endearing!" she flashed an adorable smile. "Okay, is that enough of a speech to be done with? Can I have a pie now?"

In the middle of Alma's speech, Sweeney left to deal with a customer who'd come in for a haircut, so May Apple followed him suspiciously. While the Sues glanced about downstairs, some screams came from the upstairs flat, May Apple could clearly be heard shouting, "MURDERER! YOU'RE A MURDERER, I JUST KNOW IT! I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG! ALL THE OTHER SUES GOT MURDERED! MURDERER! OMGWTFBBQMURDERER!"

SHOO-ROOK!

And then there was silence. No one made anything of it.

Sweeney came downstairs covered in blood, and everyone just assumed that some hooligan kids dumped a bucket of blood on him as a prank or something. Kids these days...

"It seems May Apple had to leave the show because she..." he began.

"She died!" Mrs. Lovett picked up. "She spontaneously got typhus and died!"

"Yes! She got typhus and died!"

"She must not have had a strong enough immune system," Alma mused. "She should have ate more meat."

"This means Alma wins!"

"Yay!"

Someone put a big shiny tiara on Alma's head and handed her a bouquet of yellow roses. She shed tears of happiness and jumped for joy, and Myn and Katyana and Antonia and Jolene lifted her up and sang "She's A Jolly Good Fellow" over and over again. Somehow, Alma ended up crowd-surfing, and everyone revered her as the ultimate Mary Sue, and no one ever found out what happened to the missing contestants.

Alma and Toby went on to own the family business and then lived in a cottage by the sea, happily ever after.

Jolene helped her sister out with the business and became a beautiful and notorious sexual predator and murderess, not necessarily in that order.

Katyana started making meat pies out of cats.

Myn married Bella Swan.

A/N: Well, that's the end. Another happy ending made so by murder and bloodshed. Took me long enough. Well, review, and now I shall venture off into the sunset and contemplate my next project!