Sairs J, thanks so much for looking over another chapter. I appreciate all your advice and encouragement!
For those of you who have left a comment, thanks so much for doing so. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read what I've written. I hope you'll stick around for the chapters to come. It may seem depressing and hopeless, but I promise, things will get better, as I am a sucker for happy endings.
Andy was definitely hard on herself in the last chapter, but I think that with everything she worked out in her mind and on paper, it will be for the best in the long run. As for Sam, he did come to some conclusions too, but he obviously hasn't responded in the same way as Andy, which is to be expected, due to their personality differences.
We are still just in the beginning stages of them figuring out what's going on within themselves, so don't give up yet. I think that they were both holding back in their own way, and in order to move forward, they need to recognize things that need to be changed.
I don't want to give too much away, but feel free to PM me if you have questions or anything you'd want clarified.
For the second day in a row, Sam woke up to knocking at his front door. He slowly made his way to the door, and was completely surprised to see his sister standing on the other side.
"Hey Sammy," Sarah greeted, as she stepped through the doorframe and pulled her brother into a hug.
"Uh… Hi Sis," Sam replied, utterly confused as to why his sister showed up at his doorstep unannounced. "Not that I'm not glad to see you, but what brings you by? Is everything okay?"
He pulled back from the hug to meet his sister's gaze. Her eyes were filled with many emotions that he had a difficult time reading her, which unnerved him. She simply answered, "Oliver called."
"Oh…" was all that managed to escape from his mouth. When she said those words, he knew exactly why she was there. Oliver had called his sister, knowing that she was one of the very few people that were brave enough to knock some sense into him when necessary, and would be there to comfort him, even though he would never admit that he needed it.
The fact that Oliver called his sister didn't make him particularly happy, as he never wanted to burden her, but he knew his friend was only trying to help. He had to admit that he hadn't been in a good place lately, and being found completely wasted was probably the last straw.
Sam followed his sister to the sofa where he knew the questioning would begin. Sarah was never one to beat around the bush, and would always tell it like it was. She was the type of person that could be sympathetic with you, but she was also one to set you straight if need be. He figured he'd be getting a little bit of both today.
"I know you hate talking about anything personal, so for now you're going to listen. Oliver told me everything." He let out a loud sigh, which caused his sister to pause for a moment. "Sammy, I'm really sorry about Jerry. I know he was the brother you never had, and I'm sorry that you're grieving."
He felt her grab his hand, giving it a light squeeze as she continued. "I love you more than anything, so I'm going to be completely honest with you. I'm not going to sugar coat things because you and I both know that won't do any good. We've both been through more than enough to know that life is far from fair. We were dealt a very bad hand with our parents, and with the things we had to experience in childhood were things I would never wish upon anyone. The thing is, you were the one to help me through it. After my attack, you wouldn't allow me to shut you out. You made me talk, even if it wasn't easy, because you knew that was the only way I could heal. So right now, I'm returning the favor. You are the most stubborn person I know, so you can try to deflect all you want, but I will not be giving up on you. That said, anything you'd like to share?"
Sam sat looking at his sister with his mouth slightly open. The confidence she had was remarkable, and he was so proud of what she had overcome. He knew that she was right. It would be entirely hypocritical of him keep things to himself, when years ago, he had been the one to force her to talk about her traumatic experience. 'Damn. She's right.'
Knowing that any attempt at making excuses would be completely futile, he figured he'd have to say something. "Sar, I honestly don't even know where to start. I'm sure Oliver told you everything he knows. Everything is a mess, and I don't know how to make things right again."
"How about you start from the beginning."
It was then that Sam realized that he had nothing to lose in telling his sister everything that had happened. She was no longer the fragile little girl that had been so broken. She was now a strong woman, who had been through hell and back, and now she was going to help him like he helped her.
Sam told her about losing Jerry, and breaking up with Andy because he didn't want to be in Traci's position one day, but that he wanted to say goodbye on his terms. He shared what occurred during the bomb scare, and how he had chosen that time to express his love to Andy. He went on to tell her about his stupid joke in the locker room, then how he sobered up and made a bunch of promises to her, asking her to meet him at The Penny, and how she didn't show up, which led to his idiotic decision to drink himself into oblivion.
"Wow…" was all Sarah could say. She was shocked, to say it simply.
Although they didn't talk much, when Sam did manage to call his sister, the conversation somehow managed to include Andy. At first, all Sarah knew was that she burned him, but after some time, it became obvious to her that his rookie meant a lot more to him than he would care to admit.
After everything that had transpired over the last several weeks, Sarah could only hope that it wasn't too late for her brother to make things right. Granted both her brother and his partner had made some bad decisions, but she felt that despite everything, they both loved each other, and she hoped that would be enough to see them through this storm.
"Yeah, I know. I screwed up. And now, it's too late," Sam said disappointedly.
"Okay, yes, you messed up big time. But maybe she just needed some time. Would you have shown up that night if you were in her shoes? Maybe if you show her you meant everything you said, in time she'll trust you again, and things will work out."
"I really don't know, Sarah. I get why she didn't show up, since I did kind of spring it on her. But I really don't know about her interest in giving us another try. You should've seen her... I broke her. She trusted me with her heart. She let me in, and I completely shattered her heart. I walked away when I promised her I wouldn't leave without a fight. Her mother did that to her. She walked out one night and never came back. And her dad chose the bottle over her. Recently he's been okay, but she had to grow up on her own. She doesn't trust people. But she had complete faith in me to be there when it mattered, and I left. I completely understand why she left. Who wouldn't leave me after the way I hurt her like I did?"
Saying all of it out loud made Sam feel even worse. Andy had been through so much, even before she met him, and then he made it even worse. He felt so ashamed. How could he have claimed to love her when he brought her so much heartache. He didn't deserve her. What kind of person could do that to someone they loved?
"Sammy, you made a mistake. But now you have a chance to make things right. Even though she didn't show up the other night doesn't mean it's over. If you really want her back, you're going to have to fight for her. Really fight to win her back. It's not going to be easy. But if you're serious about wanting another chance, I know you won't give up without a fight this time. You guys will have a lot to work through, but if you both meant that you love each other, it will work out in the end."
"Of course I want her back, but am I even worth her time? I've hurt her so badly. She deserves someone who would never hurt her like I did. I was selfish and cruel to her. She's this amazing woman, and I honestly don't deserve her," Sam said dejectedly.
"Making those bad decisions doesn't make you a horrible person. You are one of the most caring, loving, loyal people I know. You have put up walls around your heart to prevent yourself from getting hurt. Because of that, you've hurt Andy. Now you just need to show her how you really feel, and how you won't back away this time, no matter what happens. It won't be easy, since you've never been one to easily express your emotions, but you've got to give it a try. You can't just tell her that you love her; you really have to show her. How about you start with trying to make good on those promises you made to her, huh? Maybe start with making some of Grandma's secret family recipes?"
"Thanks, Sarah. Thanks for calling me on my crap, and for helping me get my head on straight. I know it's not going to be easy, but I promise this time I'm not going to give up without a fight. I'm going to prove to her that I do love her. And if she decides that it's truly not enough, at least I know I did what I could. And I love her enough to let her go. All I want for her is to be happy."
"That right there… That's love. Promising to fight for her, to prove to her that she is loved, but if she truly feels that it's not enough, you'd let her go. That, little brother, is true love. To put her needs before yourself. And because of that, I know it will work out."
The rest of the afternoon was spent with the Swarek siblings working together to make the dinner Sam had promised Andy, along with a plate for dear old Oliver.
Grandma Swarek's lasagna recipe took a little while longer than expected, so parade had already started by the time Sam walked through the station. He planned to wait outside the parade room doors, hoping to catch Andy on her way out to the cruiser. He had yet to peak his head in the doorway, so he didn't realize Andy was not there. While hearing the pairings for the day, his heart dropped when he heard 'McNally and Collins are on special assignment.' He knew what that meant.
The sadness was quickly replaced by anger. He was upset with himself for letting things get so far that she felt she had to escape. Sam knew that Andy hadn't been at all interested in the taskforce when it had first been announced months ago, so he knew that her applying was most likely due to their falling out. He knew her well enough to put the facts together. He hated that he caused her that much pain that she felt the only solution was to become someone else, working side by side with criminals, and putting her life directly in harm's way.
If he was to be completely honest, he was also mad at her for just up and leaving. He thought she would have at least have the decency to tell him to his face that she thought they were over, and that she didn't want to have that drink with him, but she hadn't even said a thing.
Oliver made it to parade with a lot of time to spare, and didn't give a second thought about not seeing Andy seated yet. She had always struggled with being punctual, so he figured she was running late as usual.
When Best started his speech, he started to get a little worried. Something in his gut didn't feel right. He wondered if maybe she had called for a personal day. 'Yeah, that's al it is. After everything that girl has been through, she deserves to take a personal day.'
The moment Frank said, "McNally and Collins are on special assignment," Oliver nearly choked on the sip of coffee he had just taken.
'Oh crap!' He shut his eyes tight, hoping that he hadn't heard right. He heard a low growl behind him, and turned around to see his best friend outside the door behind him.
Everyone knew what 'special assignment' meant, and Oliver's heart broke for his friend. Andy was gone, and who knew when she would be back, if she would be back. He had heard the rumors of how dangerous the taskforce was, and he could only hope that she would make it back in one piece. He hated seeing his friend in pain, and felt terribly for pushing him to try to do something nice for McNally when she wasn't even around anymore.
Before Best could finish with his usual 'serve and protect' line, Oliver hurriedly made his way out the door, pulling Sam along with him to the locker room, locking the door behind them. Thankfully it was a slow night, and the room was completely empty.
"Sammy, I'm so sorry. I had no idea she was leaving," his expression full of pain and regret.
Sam slammed down the containers of food he brought with him onto one of the nearby tables. If he had been in the presence of any of the rookies, they would have been shaking in their boots, but Oliver knew his friend just needed to let off some steam.
As expected, moments after the duo had entered the locker room, Sam's locker began to take a beating. Punch after punch was slammed into the metal door until Oliver had to stop him before bones were broken.
They sat on the benches in silence, both not really knowing what to say. There really weren't any words to make the situation any better.
After what seemed like hours, Sam was the first to speak. "I really thought that I'd have my chance to make it up to her. I was prepared to do everything to win her back, and now she's not even here. She's gone, and now I don't even have the opportunity to talk to her."
"I'm sorry, Brother. I had no idea the taskforce was even set to start yet. From what I heard, they weren't even supposed to select members for the team for at least a week."
Oliver hated seeing his friend like this. Sam and Andy had a difficult start from their beginning, but when they finally made their way to each other, it was obvious to everyone that what they had was something special. Seeing their relationship fall apart had been difficult to watch, knowing that both were pushing each other away, when they just needed to cling to one another for support.
Sam felt numb. He thought he would have a chance to at least attempt at fixing things, but that was not even an option now. He never let anyone get that close before, and the time he finally did open himself up, everything got complicated and messy. He hurt her. She hurt him.
He wanted a life with her, and all of it had slipped through his fingers. Before Andy, he thought his life was pretty good. He had a job that he enjoyed, and often went on special ops, which he found he was skilled at. When he wasn't infiltrating some dangerous gang, or posing as a drug dealer, he had some great friends that he considered family. He had a wonderful sister, whose daughters loved their Uncle Sammy dearly. His brother-in-law was a stand up guy who took care of his sister, and the family, to which he was entirely grateful. Even though he had more than enough to be thankful for, he always felt as though something was missing. All of that changed when Andy became a constant in his life, as his rookie, then as his partner on the job, and finally as his partner outside of work as well.
He finally realized that the relationships he had were the most important things in his life. All the things in the world didn't matter. Things could be replaced, but people, he knew all too well that they could be taken from you in a matter of seconds, and life would never be the same.
Although he hadn't ever expressed it, he missed Jerry more than he ever thought he would. He hadn't lost anyone close to him before, so he didn't know how to deal. Now that Andy appeared to be out of the picture as well, his heart physically hurt.
People had always considered him the brooding, angry, silent, badass UC guy, but on the inside he was no longer that person. It took him all this time to figure out what was important, but it appeared to be too late.
Both Sam and Oliver knew that there were no words that would make things any better or easier, and after a while, Oliver knew he had to get back to work. He thanked his friend for the food, and they went their separate ways.
Thanks for reading. Please leave a comment if you have a chance. Even though this chapter wasn't a happy one, I hope that YOU will have a GREAT day!