Author: Evansentranced

Disclaimer: If I still have to tell you, then you obviously aren't paying any attention, which means that even if I do write a really smashing, legally binding disclaimer, no one would notice anyway. So whats the point?

Summary: Sirius got in trouble! ...er...yes, he did, actually. And he's getting increasingly paranoid in his old-er, prime of his life... they do discover something important, though, and then go off and do something incredibly stupid...

Dumbledore led Sirius up to his office, saying nothing until he was settled comfortably behind his desk. "Mr. Black, I hope you can explain yourself." he said, staring over his half moon spectacles at Sirius.

Sirius thought about it, perched on the edge of his seat. Could he explain himself?

'Probably not,' he reasoned mentally. 'Not without accusing Dumbledore directly.'

He cleared his throat and glanced up at the headmaster, who was watching him expectantly. "Sir," he began, "What exactly am I explaining?"

Dumbledore watched him carefully. "You are explaining why you instigated that duel between those two boys in a school corridor, Mr. Black."

"Ah, yes. That," Sirius said, nodding. He paused, thinking furiously. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he went for it. "Well sir," He took a deep breath. "There's this Theory, you see…"

"Theory, Mr. Black?" Professor Dumbledore interrupted. "What theory is that, exactly?"

"The Theory, sir. TSHSD. The one where, er, you, ah, are supposed to be, er…pittingstudentsagainsteachothersotheschooldoesn'tdie."

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow at Sirius, eyes twinkling slightly. "Could you possibly repeat that, Mr. Black?"

'I'd really rather not…' Sirius thought. Nevertheless, he repeated himself, slower this time. "You know, the one where the, er, headmaster is supposed to be setting students up in stable dysfunctionality so Hogwarts doesn't collapse. That one."

"Ah, yes. That one." Dumbledore repeated, a small smile twitching at his moustache. "May I ask why that particular Theory caused you to, ah, instigate a confrontation between two boys who had never previously had problems?"

Sirius took a deep breath. "Well, you picked Lily and James, sir, and I think they quite like each other. Well I know James likes her, and I'm pretty sure she could be persuaded, and anyway, I know neither one of them likes the idea of not being able to date someone for fear of mass destruction and chaos and anarchy and all that, and Lily doesn't even really believe in it and…" Sirius trailed off at the look Dumbledore was currently giving him, a mixture of amusement and something Sirius couldn't quite place. He resumed his rambling full force, trying to ignore his headmaster's expression. "And, well I thought if I got two other students to do it instead, I mean, those two guys are hardly going to fall madly in love anytime soon, and I thought…it'd just be easier for…everyone…" Sirius trailed off again, because Dumbledore was chuckling merrily at him, and he felt rather confused at the turn things had taken. He'd thought the old man would be Obliviating him by now, not laughing at him.

"My dear boy," Dumbledore said with a enigmatic smile. "Would you like a lemon drop?"

"P-pardon me?" Sirius asked incredulously. That was the last thing he'd expected to hear out of Dumbledore's mouth at that moment. Now Dumbledore was taking a lemon drop and popping it into his mouth, and the second to last thing Sirius had thought he had thought he'd hear, which was the crunching sound the candy made as it was chewed it up, was resonating through the headmaster's office.

Sirius sat, staring confusedly at Dumbledore as he selected another. Dumbledore looked up at him. "Are you sure you won't have one?" he asked, offering him the jar of candy.

Sirius took a lemon drop and eyed it for a moment. He'd thought earlier that Dumbledore might obliviate him. Maybe there was something in the candy. He watched Dumbledore, munching away at his own lemon drop. He ate them himself, but that was no assurance. The man acted completely barmy sometimes. It could be a side affect of the candy. Sirius didn't want to go insane before he hit one-hundred and had a million grandchildren to pay for his stay in St. Mungos. He sighed and slipped the candy in his pocket when Dumbledore wasn't looking, then made a show of swallowing.

"Mmm, tasty, sir." he said with a fake smile.

"Have another?" Dumbledore asked, offering the jar again.

"Er, no thanks, sir. I don't want to spoil my dinner." he lied. "Professor? What about the TSHSD? Could you possibly fix it so James and Lily aren't the Couple anymore?"

Dumbledore stopped poking through his candy jar and fixed Sirius with his penetrating, light blue gaze. "I'm afraid that Miss Evans is correct in her assumptions. The Theory really is a myth, Mr. Black," he said apologetically.

Sirius looked down at his feet and nodded. "Okay, sir. I suppose it was childish of me to start that fight then."

"Yes, indeed, Mr. Black. But, as you believed it to be for a good cause, I think we can let you off with only five points from Gryffindor." Dumbledore smiled benevolently at Sirius, who grinned back at him. "Just try not to do it again, hmm?"

"Yes sir," Sirius said. "May I be excused? I'd like to go find James and tell him the good news."

"Of course, Mr. Black. Have a nice weekend."

"You too, Professor Dumbledore."

"James Potter," Sirius whispered urgently as he stepped off the spiraling staircase from Dumbledore's office. He was holding the mirror in the palm of his hand, and sighed audibly when James' face appeared. "James? Where are you?"

"Library," James replied sullenly. "I tried to get a couple people angry at each other, but one pair ended up chatting like old biddies, and the other found me, and I got twenty points from Gryffindor, so now I'm sitting with Peter, 'cause apparently he came in here to hide from whatserface, but Lily's here too and I -"

"Yeah, James, that's great, shut your trap," Sirius replied hurriedly, not listening to a word that was being said to him, and currently dashing toward the library. "James, I just got caught by Dumbledore, and -"

"You what?" James asked, all attention fixated on Sirius' face in the mirror. "How did you manage that?"

"There was a statue, and then some curses, he wasn't there, then he was, I dunno, magic or something…" Sirius mumbled vaguely, halfway there and wishing he had his broomstick, so he could get there faster. "Anyway, you're in the library? Meet me in the invisibility section, and I'll tell you what happened."

"I was already there," James began sullenly. "They caught me and I was nearly kicked out."

"Yes, well…be more discreet, you great sodding loser," Sirius said, skidding to a halt. "Look, I'm just outside. I've had an idea and I need you to meet me in the Invisibility section."

Five minutes later found James skulking furtively around the invisibility section, waiting for Sirius.

"I thought he said he was just outside," he muttered to himself.

"I was." said a voice behind him, causing James to jump slightly and spin around.

"Sirius!" he whispered frantically. "Shut up!"

Sirius paid him no heed, and continued flipping through the book he'd brought. "James," he said rather too loudly. "Check this out. It's an abridged version of Hogwarts, a History."

"Yeah, and what's so great about it?" James asked quietly.

"I told you about Dumbledore, yeah?"

"Yeah…"

"Well," Sirius said, dragging James down to sit on the floor, "He said there's no such thing as the TSHSD."

James just stared at him for a moment. "That's great! Why didn't you say so before?"

"Because," Sirius said, eyes steely. "He tried to feed me a lemon drop."

"He - wait, what?"

"He tried to feed me one of those candies of his," Sirius said scornfully. "As if I didn't know already."

James was lost. "What did you already know?"

"That he's got some kind of…cheering charm or…diversion solution or…memory potion mixed in with the lemony goodness." Sirius responded suspiciously.

James paused for a moment, wondering if his friend had finally cracked, then shook himself out of it and said, "Well. Anyway, he tried to feed you a lemon drop so that means…"

"That he was lying, of course." Sirius replied promptly.

"So there is a TSHSD?"

"Yes. And I've just found more proof, right here."

"In the book?" James asked, taking it from Sirius and examining the page he was currently pursuing. It was about the Hufflepuff founder. Something about the creation of the Sorting Hat. James couldn't see what it had to do with the existence of TSHSD.

"Sirius…"

Sirius glanced at the page he was examining. "Not that one, you great sodding loser! Turn the page!"

James grimaced irritably at Sirius for calling him names and having no creativity, but turned the page. It was the end of the chapter, so the page should have been blank. Instead, there was writing. It looked to be very old, and appeared to have been written by two people having a rather intense conversation.

Why is there nothing about it in here?

I told you to stop writing in the books.

It's not like we'll be hexed or something. Madam Pince isn't even around.

I'll bet anything there are hexes on these books. You know how she can get..

Yes, well. Why is there nothing about it in here?

Well, Professor Dippet doesn't want people knowing what he's doing, does he? It'd hardly be in the nearest reference book.

Fair point. So what do we do?

I say check the restricted section for anything to do with the Theory.

"Brilliant, Sirius!" James said excitedly. "They're talking about the Theory!"

Sirius grinned and motioned for him to read on.

Perfect! Guess what I found!

What?

A list of previous couples!

Fanta-

"Wonder what that was all about?" James asked, referring to the large scratch marking the end of their conversation.

"Dunno," Sirius said, eyes gleaming. "Madam Pince's jinxes probably kicked in…This is exactly what we needed! They were looking for the same thing we are, and they found it too! In the restricted section!"

"So," James said thoughtfully. "Invisibility cloak, d'you think?"

"Definitely."

In little more than an hour later, James and Sirius were huddled together under James' invisibility cloak, digging through the Restricted Section for the book their writers had been talking about.

"If they could find it so quickly, we should be able to as well," Sirius kept muttering to James under his breath. Their only problem was that it was not actually after closing time, and as such, there were people all over the library, including Peter, Lily and Madam Pince.

"Aha!" James whispered loudly.

"You found it?" Sirius asked hopefully.

"No, but I did find that Curse of the Bogies we were looking for."

"Cor! …well, we'll just grab that and keep looking then, eh?"

It took them a few hours, but eventually they found it. It was a small leather bound book, about the size of a diary. Inside was a detailed explanation of the Theory itself, along with a long list, dating back almost to the founders time, of dysfunctional couples.

"Blimey, James, look!" Sirius pointed about three quarters down the page, at an inscription marked, 'Araminta Meliflua - Bilius Weasley'.

"What am I looking at?" James asked cluelessly.

"Araminta Meliflua is my second cousin," Sirius said, pointing down at the book again. "And you've heard of the Weasleys, haven't you?"

"Yes…so they were a dysfunctional couple too?" James asked in awe. "Wow, I feel sorry for that Weasley…"

"Hey, you think we could talk to them?" James asked suddenly. "You know, meet up with them?"

"Not my cousin." Sirius said darkly. "I don't like talking to my family, James."

"Alright, alright. This Bilius Weasley, then. Maybe we could meet up with him in Hogsmede sometime."

"It's a fair idea. Owl him and ask." Sirius said, now scanning to the very bottom of the list. "Aha! 'James Potter - Lily Evans'. What did I tell you?"

James stared at his and Lily's names on the list. This cinched it. They were a dysfunctional couple. Doomed.

"Should we tell Lily?" he asked in a small voice.

"No! Of course not!" Sirius said, as though speaking to a small child. "If she finds out, Jamsie, then even if we do manage to pass the…title onto someone else, she'll never go out with you!"

"Sirius," James said in a hopeless voice. "How are we ever going to manage this?"

"Don't worry, Jamsie-poo, Sirius will make it all better," Sirius cooed, placing a comforting hand on James' knee. James scowled and backed away, pushing him off irritably.

"Stop that, Sirius. Its creepy."

"No its not. But fine, if you don't like it, we'll do something else to clear your mind out," Sirius said, now pulling James out of the library and toward the Entrance Hall.

"Sirius?" James asked curiously. "The clearing?"

Sirius grinned. "The clearing."

Not too much later found James and Sirius mucking about in the clearing where they'd first found the billywigs. Upon arrival, James had snagged three of the tiny little bugs and stabbed himself with all of them at once.

Sirius raised an eyebrow, and after grabbing one for himself, said, "You alright, Jamsie?"

"I'm fine," James muttered, floating up into the air irritably, if that was possible. Sirius let it go and they spent the rest of the night out in the forest, eventually floating haphazardly back toward the castle around four, but only making it as far as Hagrid's cabin before tumbling to the earth and passing out cold.

A.N: This was seven pages long at last count. So yes. Here you are. Enjoy aplenty, and be sure to reveiw afterward. Helps with indigestion, you know. :D Also, James is an idiot. But he always was. That's just my opinion...But he'll learn :cackles evily: Oh, how he'll learn... :cackles again: