10. Trying
GPOV
I turned off the bedside lamp still ignoring Edward's existence. He wasn't going to get away with a pathetic hello as an apology for what he did. After accepting his absence and embracing my fellow family members more so than I ever had before, things were better, but it still didn't fix what he had done. Jasper reassured me Edward would be back and he was right, probably because he had some insider Alice knowledge all along or he just had more faith in Edward than I did. Either way, his return only irritated me and upset me to no end. One week of missing him and another week of accepting he was gone only made me want to get away from him as soon as I walked in the door.
Edward hurt me and I was putting on a mask of control for everyone else. Yes, I had enjoyed my new-found friendships, my independence, and being able to conquer certain weaknesses, but now I was bitterer towards him than I was towards Alice. I should have jumped into his arms and hugged him tightly, I should have yelled at him never to leave again while banging my tiny fist into his rock solid body. Two weeks only made me apathetic and cold. When he entered my room I planned to ignore his advances and caught myself before I could continue muttering any more of my disgust.
With the bedside lamp off and Edward sitting awkwardly next to me in bed I rolled over with serious intentions to fall asleep. Hopefully he'd get the point and leave. I felt pathetic for returning his Ipod like I did, but it wasn't mine to keep. When he plugged in his Ipod speakers I was a bit surprised at the gesture, even more so confused. I just laid there on my side trying to ignore my favorite untitled play list and fall asleep.
During those two weeks I had grown accustomed to my room without Edward. It felt different, but I wasn't about to allow him to ruin my sanctuary. Each and every bedroom Esme and Carlisle gave me, with my very own bed, meant the world to me. It meant I was no longer an unwanted child in an orphanage, it meant I was part of a family, and it meant I always had somewhere to rest my head at night even when the rest of them weren't sleeping. One traitorous tear dripped down my cheek from my sleepy eyes, perhaps a tear of anger, perhaps of relief. I hadn't let myself cry since the first night he left, but I prayed for sleep so that the floodgates would keep at bay. Even though my heart was still heavy with anger I slowly began to drift asleep. Just as my eyelids grew heavy I suddenly felt Edward's cold hand gently rest on my hip. I had been aching for this moment for years and yet now I lay there frozen in disbelief and confusion. What the hell was he doing? This wasn't an apology or an explanation, it was the actions of a very irrational Edward. He was crossing the line, sprinting over a boundary we had silently set for ourselves since the beginning.
When he moved his solitary thumb underneath my night shirt, resting it against the bare skin of my lower back my heart began to race. All the anger dissolved from my body and now I felt sheer panic spread head to toe. I wondered if he noticed all the goose bumps now dancing across my skin. For a brief moment he just kept his hand there, very still. Was I supposed to make some kind of move; I questioned over and over again.
What kind of apology was this? Never in a million years (Edward and I had that much time if we wanted) did I think this night would turn out how it had. After a few more minutes Edward scooted in closer to my body. We must have been an inch apart and every hair on the back of my neck was standing straight up trying to pull towards Edward's cold skin.
I was a split second away from reading Edward's thoughts before I stopped myself. Something about going two weeks without that ability made me enjoy the unexpected, the unknown, and most importantly the raw feeling of each moment lived without expectation. I sighed, letting go of the control I could have if I just read one miniscule thought.
Just then he whispered into my ear sending chills down my spine the words, "I'm so sorry." Maybe it was the close proximity of our bodies, maybe it was the darkness or the deliriousness of the time, but if he had said it an hour ago it simply wouldn't have been enough. Now the gesture seemed simple and entirely what I needed to hear. My guard was down and I let the apology echo through every cell in my body, letting the bitter feeling of the past two weeks fade away at least for this one moment.
All I could bring myself to say back was, "Never again Edward." Anything more than that would have been a loud screaming argument quickly turned into a fight. If I had let my emotions I'd built up over two weeks overcome me, this fragile moment would be snapped in half just as quickly and unexpectedly as it came.
I let the courage that had festered in me all week allow my hand to reach over my side and grasp my fingers in between his, squeezing firmly. If this was my concession to his efforts, then I was a goner.
Every fiber of my being twitched and ached to fuse that one inch gap between our bodies. I fought it for a good two minutes, the longest two minutes of my life. Finally I gave into my senses and instincts and slid my tiny body into the half crescent of Edward's muscular embrace. I let out a nervous sigh and felt like I couldn't get enough oxygen back into my lungs. It was as if Edward had stolen all the air in the room. Behind me Edward anxiously dug his nose into the strands of my hair sprawled across my pillow. His scent was just as sweet as mine and I was greedy for it. Two weeks without him by my side I had almost forgotten just how much I loved his scent.
Although I thoroughly enjoyed lying with Edward in that position, I had to take our new found closeness a step further. I wasn't about to push it, but I felt the overwhelming need to face him, even if I couldn't see his beautiful eyes in the dark. Anxiously I rolled over on my other side towards Edward, our faces intoxicating mere inches apart. One impatient move and my lips could have been against his. I would not be the first to make this move. If Edward wanted it he had to take it. Juliet didn't make the first move, nor did any of the other great heroines, I wasn't about to play the dominant one this time. When a few moments passed and he hadn't made his move I dug my face into his chest as I curled my feet around his.
The vulnerability in that room was unbearable on both of our sides. I wasn't upset in the least that he hadn't gone in and taken what was always his. Slow and steady had always been our way. Part of me was still upset about the past two weeks, but I made every effort to put it aside for the time being as I laid there contently in his arms. That was the first night that Edward actually pretended to sleep alongside me. I knew when I drifted asleep that he'd have to lay there all night long completely wide awake, but every bone in my body told me I'd awake in his arms when morning came. I drifted into the most perfect slumber of my long life.
In the morning I awoke to the buzzing sound of my cell phone, vibrating against the table next to my bed. I felt Edward's chilled arms still wrapped tightly around my waist and he pulled me back into his embrace as I reluctantly reached for my phone. Squinting my eyes at the sunlight from my window and trying to rid of my blurry vision I opened my phone to find a text message from Jacob. After yesterday and last night I had forgotten all about my Saturday plans to meet him down at La Push. My heart sank in guilt. What was Edward going to think about my new friends, especially friends I had no intentions of introducing him to? Jacob's text message reeked with his excitement for the day ahead. I really didn't want to break plans with him and thought spending the day away from Edward would better let me collect my thoughts on what had just happened between us. I needed to be away from him so he couldn't read my thoughts.
Quickly, I texted Jacob back letting him know I'd see him soon at the cliff. I snapped my phone shut just as Edward leaned over my shoulder nosily. I'm sure it was strange for Edward to know I was getting text from someone other than him or the Cullens. After setting down my phone Edward removed his arms from me and placed them behind his head on his side of the bed. He stared at the ceiling looking one part relaxed and one part clueless. Edward had stayed overnight till morning many times, but the routine had changed as of last night so now what were we supposed to do?
I sat there wondering if he would say anything or if he'd get up and cook me pancakes like the old married couple we were. The silence went on far too long. So, I did what I do best in situations like this: I panicked. Startling Edward I quickly jumped out of bed and began hurriedly getting dressed. He sat up crossed-legged on the bed and watched me curiously as I threw together a backpack for my trip to the beach. Still there was silence. I ran into the bathroom, combed my hair and brushed my teeth. As fast as I was scurrying about my room I must have looked like a mad woman to him. He looked mildly amused at my hurrying about but still said nothing. Why couldn't he just say something and make the situation less awkward?
Once I had gathered all I needed for my day at La Push, I said the first thing I could think of, the truth.
"Um, yeah I had prior plans with friends today. So, I have to go. We will talk later. Bye!"
My words jumbled together at the pace of an auctioneer and before he could even respond I had shut the door behind me and scurried outside. I snagged the keys to his Volvo and only found it appropriate since he had borrowed my bike for so long which now sat perfectly in its place in the garage. I tied to my board to the top of his car quick as lightning in case he felt like coming outside and saying something. I glanced out the rear view mirror as I exited the driveway, with no Edward in sight.
On the drive to La Push I kept banging my head against the steering wheel, calling myself an idiot. I can't believe I just ran out this morning like I did. After everything that happened last night I just left, like my plans were more important than the looming discussion that lay ahead. I was being a complete flipping idiot. Bringing his car was the dumbest idea ever as I pulled into the same spot at the cliff, realizing an explanation for the missing Hummer might be asked. Still highly reluctant to tell Jacob and the others about my family I tried to think quickly of excuses as to why I had another car.
Jacob stood waiting for me at the very same spot we met. At least the sunny weather was an insurance policy that even if Edward knew where I was he couldn't get to me. Jacob's russet skin looked smooth and alluring under the early morning sunrise. His hair was down and shaggy, not tied back like last time. Looking around, bewildered at the fact it was just us two, I noticed the rest of the La Push boys were nowhere to be found.
"Heya Gwen!" Jacob ran up and hugged me tightly as I stepped out of the Volvo. It was so strange to have someone other than a Cullen being close to me like that. Jacob had no qualms about being all touchy-feely; that much was clear and frankly I didn't seem to mind.
"So where's the rest of the gang?" I questioned, not wanting to sound too concerned. If Jacob really was going to teach me to cliff dive today I didn't want an audience.
Jacob looked disappointed that I was concerned with others on our day together. "Oh, they are back on the res, we do this all the time together so I told them to stay home." He stared at his feet embarrassed and I could have sworn I saw him blush a little beneath his dark skin.
He quickly recovered, "I can call them if you want, they might even stop by later."
I smiled warmly at his gesture, "It's ok, I'd rather not have anyone here to laugh at my sad attempts."
Jacob said nothing. Once again I used humor to break the tension. "Then again maybe we should have someone on standby to call the paramedics in case I don't make it." I smiled shyly. I couldn't help but be bothered by the fact that every conversation with Jacob felt like endless flirtation.
He proceeded to walk up to me attempting to look all tough and suave leaning in closely with his hand on my shoulder, "Well, I'm certified in CPR." He winked at me. I shoved him off and laughed at his failed attempt at sounding smooth, hoping I wasn't royally bruising his ego.
I walked cautiously over to edge of the cliff to look down at what might possibly be my eminent demise. The waves looked rough and crashed abruptly against the rocks below. The sun warmed my skin, but goose bumps popped up all over my body as I gulped down the reality of the feat I was about to take on.
As I stared down into the water with a terrified look Jacob walked up behind me making me jump. He put his arm around me. "You're going to be fine kid, I promise." Jacob was reassuring, but not nearly enough. Sheer terror was welling inside of me. If Edward or Alice knew what I was getting myself into they'd flip out. Once you're given the gift of eternal youth you're only messing with fate by doing things like cliff diving.
I loved Jacob's overwhelmingly warm confidence in me. This was only the second time we had met and he was already acting like I could do anything, like he had endless faith in me. Whereas Edward would constantly try and shelter me from harm, Jacob was willing to throw me headfirst, literally, in harms path, knowing I'd survive. That was the main difference between Jacob and Edward. Edward was overly cautious with me and constantly dancing on egg shells. Ever since the first moment I met Jacob he was bold and dangerous, he lived on the edge even though his life was much more fragile than Edward's or mine.
As I peered over the rocky ledge I shakily asked, "Jacob, tell me how not to kill myself doing this." More than anything I wanted to prove to Jacob, to myself, to the others, and to Edward that I was capable of doing this. Living with vampires was one risk, diving off a cliff was a whole other.
Jacob spent about a good fifteen minutes explaining everything I needed to know about the jump, the free fall, and the landing. We spent about another hour, chatting over a snack, trying to encourage me to get the guts to do it. It probably wasn't the smartest thing in the world to jump after just eating, but there was no time like the present.
I walked to the ledge and took in the sea air, letting it soar through my nose down my throat straight to my lungs. The wind blew through my hair and closed my eyes, taking in deep, long breaths to calm my shaking knees. If I had stood any closer to the edge my shaky knees would have probably sent me falling right off the ledge. As I stood there trying to calm my breathing I felt a warm hand reach for mine. I looked to my right and Jacob was staring back at me intently. Part of me felt like I needed to immediately pull my hand away from his after mine and Edward's new relations. Unfortunately fight or flight and the adrenaline running through my body wouldn't allow for that. My hand clung tightly to his as if it were cemented there all along.
"You know we can jump together the first time if you want?" He smiled calmly and offered me a sense of relief I hadn't had all morning since I arrived. In that moment Jacob's gesture was all I ever needed.
I nodded at him, conceding to his offer, still concentrating on my wobbly knees. I kept staring into Jacob's deep black eyes because I was too nervous to face the beast head on.
Once again he flashed his perfect teeth my direction and said, "You know you could try and look at me when we jump if it will make you less nervous, but I highly suggest looking straight out. Come on, Gwen, just look at how beautiful it is."
Slowly I turned my head outward to the sea and gazed upon the rare Washington sun as it made the ocean sparkle beneath me. Jacob was right, it would be much better to stare in awe at what was before me when I jumped.
I took in one last deep inhale and said, "I'm ready," squeezing his hand just a little tighter.
Smoothly he said, "Trust me. On three. One….two….three….!"
It was only a split second from the time he said "three," when I felt the air rushing past my entire body and the view in front of me pass hurriedly like a blurry Van Gogh painting. A painting of oranges, blues, and grays all melting into one another. My only comfort was the warm hand I clung to for dear life. Not one scream passed from my lips as my hand parted from his and slipped into the icy, sharp, cold water below. The cold water overcame my body as adrenaline sprinted from every end of my limbs. I swam quickly to the surface of the water gasping for air. In that moment that I caught my first breath I felt as if a baptism of sorts had occurred. My body and mind was completely in sync and I felt a sense of freedom that was indescribable. I waded there speechless, in the water looking around for Jacob.
When I saw his long wet hair pop up from under the ocean I looked over at him and let out the loudest scream my overwhelmed lungs would allow.
He splashed some water at me and swam my direction while I treaded in the sea. "I told you, you could do it" he yelled hugging my body tightly in the water. My eyes stared in disbelief up at the monstrous cliff I had just freely leaped from. The tide started to pull us towards shore.
"Come on Gwen, this way." Jacob led us away from the rocks back towards the warm La Push shore.
When I crawled weakly to the shore I plopped my whole body down on the sand. I felt like a jellyfish, all of my muscles were overwhelmed with adrenaline and excitement. Jacob sat down next to me and I noticed all the little beads of water scattered about his muscular body. I sat there soaking in the sunlight trying to catch my breath.
"That was the single most exhilarating moment of my life," I gasped at Jacob. He had no idea how much longer than him I had lived and how monumental this moment really was for me. He also had no idea how much regret I felt saying that after the exhilaration I had felt last night with Edward.
Jacob laughed and lay down on his back putting his arms behind his head in the same satisfactory manner Edward had done this morning. Both of them had conquered me in different ways.
I shook my head in disbelief looking out at the water coming to terms with what I just did. "Damnit where is Quil, I wanted to make him feel like a pussy." I didn't usually use such vulgar language, but I was so at ease there on the beach with Jacob and I had an overwhelming sense of freedom to do and say as I pleased.
Jacob looked at me like I had just said ten times worse vulgarities; he was probably just as shocked as I was to hear the word leave my lips. I think he had already figured out that I wasn't the type of girl that talked like that. But, up until an hour ago I wasn't the type of girl who cliff dived and up until a night ago I wasn't the type of girl who cuddled with a boy all night long.
I huffed at him, "Don't act like such a goody two shoes," rolling my eyes.
He nudged me hard, knocking me over into the sand. "Babe, I'm no goody two shoes, I promise."
I propped myself back up and looked at him as sexily as a waterlogged girl could, "Savage, real savage, I'm sure." I mocked.
Looking off into the distance he replied quietly, "You have no idea." He had to of known I heard his reply and I questioned what the hell he meant by that. Maybe the La Push boys were bigger troublemakers than I had assumed. Perhaps Jacob was playing it PG with me.
Scoffing, "You must think you're real tough res boy." I smiled at him slyly.
He looked over his shoulder with a kind of sultry intention I didn't know was capable of a boy his age. "Don't play with fire lady," he warned.
"What you going to do about it, pup?" I boasted at his young age.
"That's it!" He jumped up then scooped me up into his arms while I flailed and screamed for him to put me down. He dragged me unwillingly to the water and dumped me straight into the cold tide. As soon as I was able to pull myself up from the rough tide I dove at him pulling him down into the water with me. A few minutes of us wrestling in the water went on till I realized just how intimate this whole charade was.
Our playfulness was broke when I heard a boy call from the shore, "Hey lovebirds did you decide to swim when Gwen couldn't hack the cliff?"
We walked towards the shore and I glared angrily at Quil. First I didn't appreciate the lovebird comment even though from our antics in the water we probably appeared like it. I also hated how he assumed I hadn't conquered what took him much longer to.
"For your information we jumped half an hour ago." I smirked confidently at him and said it loud enough so the other guys in the distance could hear my declaration.
Paul ran up the second he heard my boast. "Jacob, did she really jump first try? I don't believe it," he questioned.
Before I even had to defend myself Jacob jumped it. "Of course she jumped first try. I told you she had bigger balls than Quil." Paul began to laugh and point obnoxiously at Quil. His cheeks slightly reddened with embarrassment and I didn't want my victory to be his loss.
Now was not the time for me to try and console Quil with my girly charms so I just let it go. The other's walked up to us with Sam leading the way like always. "So local here has some guts, does she," Sam questioned.
Maybe I should have been offended he called me a local and assumed I was dull like all the other Forks residence, but I was on their turf still and didn't feel like arguing. With all the courage and left over adrenaline from earlier I directed at Sam, "How's about round two, boys?"
Sam smiled at me and nodded at Paul standing next to him. Jacob stood by my side looking impressed at how I stood my ground with the others. Still unsure of whether or not I'd be able to do it again without holding Jacob's hand we took off towards Sam's truck.
Sam and Paul rode shotgun while Jacob, Quil, Embry, and I all rode in the open bed of the truck. There was a local law against this, but it was apparent La Push boys weren't about obeying local authority. They ran their lives by a whole different code, set by a higher authority.
When we arrived at the cliff again I glanced nervously at Jacob and he smiled back at me confidently. Everyone standing by the edge of the cliff was still giving Quil crap about how I conquered the jump first time. The first two to jump were Sam and Paul. "See you at the bottom," Paul said cockily just as he took a leap with perfect formation the whole way down. Quil and Embry were next. If I hadn't known otherwise the two could have passed for twins, easily brothers with the way they teased one another. Embry jumped first with a dive head first. Quil followed with a flip, probably showing off trying to make up for all the teasing he received. I stepped nervously to the ledge as if I hadn't done this an hour earlier. My knees began to shake again and Jacob took his spot next to me.
He waited anxiously to see if I would take his hand. I didn't want to seem anymore like a couple or a coward then already so I said, "I think I'm good this time." I lied to myself. Instead of looking straight out into the endless blue I kept my eyes glued on Jacob's. "One… two… three!" I yelled and both of our feet anxiously left the ground in unison. The free fall seemed shorter than last time, but just as much exhilaration coursed through my veins as before.
The water crashed against my skin, piercing me like thousands of needles. When I swam my way to the surface I was greeted with everyone's cheers and yells except Quil who just looked perturbed. Suddenly I felt a hand around my waist, looking to my left I found Jacob proudly showing me off like some trophy. It was kind of nice to have someone standing up for me like that and wanting to show me off.
"I told you guys!" Jacob yelled as we swam quickly back to shore.
When we arrived back on land Emily was there waiting. Sam ran up to her and gave her a huge wet hug. In the sunlight she still looked beautiful despite the scars across her face.
"You guys hungry?" she asked warmly displaying all the food in her car.
Quil and Embry worked hurriedly to build a small fire for us to cook hotdogs on. Emily was like the mom of the entire group. She brought everything for the perfect lunch and laughed as the boys ate like savage beasts having their last meal. I sat next to Jacob while our hot dogs cooked on long hanger wires. Paul and Quil had the grossest burping contest while Sam and Emily snuggled on the log across from Jacob and me.
The afternoon passed quicker than I would have liked with surfing, more cliff diving and tons of food thanks to Emily. When the sun began to set the scene turned into the bonfire much like the last time. More teens from the res began to arrive. Jacob introduced me to a brother and sister named Leah and Seth. The sky got darker and darker when I realized I had a ton of unsettled business at home. I wanted to stay with Jacob and all the others who I knew I could now call my friends.
"Hey Jake, I got to go, I have stuff at home to do."
Looking disappointed, he replied, "Oh fine, party pooper."
"Sorry," I said and I really meant it.
He began walking me to my car, "It's alright, I think Bella is coming down in a little while."
An unsettling feeling dropped to the pit of my stomach. What did that mean? Was Bella my replacement or was I hers? Bothered by the fact that Bella had known them all longer, I marched quickly to my car door.
"Cool, tell her I said hi." I muttered. I said it not because I wanted anything to do with her, but I wanted her to know I had been there. Sometimes I could be so devious.
"Alright, will do. See you again soon?" He flashed me that same perfect smile.
"Count on it!" I smiled back. This time I went in for the hug first.
Jacob practically skipped with glee back to the others as I climbed in the car. On the drive home I smiled uncontrollably with the excitement from my day and the friends I had made. Jacob and the Quileute boys finally made something come into perspective that I had never thought of before. I had sacrificed a lot living with the Cullens. I had given up my precious sunlight; I had given up the idea up of aging gracefully and leading the normal path of life, marriage, children, and death. I was willing and sacrificed it all to be with the Edward. I gave up the concept of normalcy and surrounded myself with things that most only saw in nightmares. Not to mention repeating school over and over again. At the real age of forty-one I should be enjoying the over the hill years and here I was trapped in a seventeen year old body. At forty-one years of age I should have experienced my first kiss a long time ago, I should have cliff dived many times by now, I should bear a wedding ring on my finger, I should be able to trace the wrinkles on my face and attribute an experience to each and every one. I didn't regret my sacrifices but it wasn't till now when I realized they had been made. Even if the night ahead consisted of nothing but chaos or silence, today was, simply put, amazing.