Quick announcement: I'd like to apologize for my absence. I lost my job and with it a very important person to me. So I was a little depressed. But I have a new job now so I will be posting again. Now enough with the melodrama and on with the show!

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"This is a tale about a world of adventure, a sea full of excitement, a man full of dreams! And a passion that seeks to drive him to the top!"

"Okay," Taiyang smiled, "This looks to be interesting!"

Static changes the screen to a home massacre. Two people kissed in the moonlight over the slaughtered bodies.

"Oh yes," she moaned, "I love you Edward."

"And I..." the emotionless fuckbucket droned, "Love you...Bella."

"Oh god," Blake rubbed her head at the forming migraine.

"Anything but this!" Ruby cried.

"Run!" Sun yelled.

There was a polite knock on the door.

"Hold on," he pulled himself away and stood in the door way, "Who is it?"

"Oh you know," a voice behind the door said while a storm of bullets shredded the door, and plastered Edward on the wall. Jaune, dressed in a red trench coat kept firing as he stepped into the house, and continued shooting. Once he was satisfied, or out of ammo, he holstered his gun, "A real fucking vampire."

"And just like that I'm interested again," Yang sat back down.

"Oh thank god," Blake smiled, "I've been wanting to do that forever!"

"Are we just ignoring the fact he just killed someone?!" Taiyang was shock at how calm everyone was.

"Oh yeah," Nora shrugged, "WARTHUNDER!"

"Ooops," the suited man appeared and snapped his fingers, "There we go!" He disappeared.

"Oh, so you've already seen murder happy Jaune then," Winter rubbed her temples.

"Yeah," Weiss nodded, "You get kind of used to it after a while…"

"Why were we pirates?" Winter asked.

"I don't think the weirdest has come yet…" Taiyang answered.

"Hey Huntress," Jaune spoke into his earpiece startling Yang sitting on a nearby roof, "Do you you have the target?"

"Okay," Yang sounded annoyed, "My name is Yang. And yes, I have eyes on the target."

"Well," Jaune teleported behind her, "You better take the shot. You're letting her get away."

"If you just give me a second to concentrate I could-"

"She's getting away. She's running!"

"I get it," Yang's eyes turned red, "I'm lining up the-"

"Going to miss it. Going to miss it!"

"Just be quiet and let me-"

"Hey huntress. Hey. Hey huntress!"

Yang fired and the bullet soared through the air and blew Bella's organs onto the ground in a magnificent red paste.

"THERE! I TOOK THE FUCKING SHOT! SHE'S DEAD, THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE!"

"Oh you are just a treat.

ONE WEEK EARLIER.

"LUCKY!" Everyone screamed.

"HA!" Yang triumphantly yelled.

"Now I know what you're thinking: "How did all of this come about?"

"That's one of the questions we've asked ourselves today," Ozpin answered.

"Well it all started with a midnight stroll through the woods," Jaune was walking through the forest, "The air was clear, the moon was full, and I was dying to sink my teeth into something. Get it? Because I'm a vampire...mwahahahaha-it's funny."

"Oh great," Ruby groaned.

"This guy's kinda funny," Taiyang agreed.

"I thought killing those two was good, but he has jokes too!" Yang smiled.

Everyone groaned at them.

"So you came!" A vampiric priest turned around and stared at Jaune, "Too be you're far too late."

"What?" Jaune watched him.

"Everyone else is already dead!" He moved to the side revealing his ghoul army, "Except this little tart." He was holding Yang by her hair. "But trust me, I still plan to kill her."

"Mm-hm," Jaune was only half paying attention.

"But first I'm going to rape her!" He proclaimed.

"Nnneat," Jaune was getting bored.

"But before I can do any of that," he pointed at Jaune, "I'm going to kill YOU!"

"Oh?" Jaune raised an eyebrow, "See that would be intimidating if you were, well intimidating." Jaune mocked.

"Are you mocking me?" The priest growled.

"Oh no, no, no, no, no...pfft yeah!" Jaune fired through Yang and killed the priest.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Taiyang screamed.

"We're all going to die at least once," Ruby sighed, "It's Yang's turn now."

"I wish it was more epic than a hostage," Yang sighed.

"Are we really comparing deaths?" Raven looked at them.

"Got something better to do?" Qrow asked.

"Well that about wraps things up here."

Yang was on the ground choking to death.

"Oh yeah, forgot about you. Sorry about the whole shooting you thing, but I know if you look deep into your heart -which is currently all over that tree- you'll find a way to forgive me."

Yang was kinda busy to choking to death to answer.

"Aw, jeez, you look like a puppy!" Jaune looked at Yang STILL choking to death, "A blonde, eviscerated puppy!"

Goddamn, Yang is still choking to death!

"Alright fine I'll help you! But only because you have nice tits."

"THAT'S the reason I live?!" Yang's cheeks reddened.

"Well," Blake blushed, "I mean you do have some monstrosities on your chest."

"BLAKE!" Yang covered her chest.

Everyone snickered at the comment.

The scene changed to Glynda Goodwitch listening to Jaune over speakerphone while opera music played.

"So that's your field report?" She asked.

"Yep," Jaune simply answered.

"You went on a walk through the forest at midnight..."

"Yep,"

"You killed a homicidal vampire priest..."

"Dead,"

"And then you turned someone into a vampire...who happened to be..."

"A big-tittied Huntress," They said simultaneously.

"Yes!" Jaune sighed, "It's like I just didn't get through explaining this! Now if you don't mind, I've got things to do."

"What "things"? You don't do things"."

"Yes I do, I take enthusiastic walks through the woods."

"And kill homicidal vampire priests."

"VERY enthusiastic walks."

ONE WEEK LATER

"You know it's kinda hilarious," Qrow smiled.

"What is?" Glynda sneered.

"A control freak like you with something you can't control?" Qrow chuckled, "That's better than anything I can think of."

"Oh shut up," Glynda rolled her eyes.

Literally Glynda talking to Jaune again.

"So that's your field report?"

"Yep."

"So you broke into the house..."

"Yep."

"And you shot him thirty six times..."

"Thirty SEVEN!"

"And took out his partner..."

"To be fair that was the Huntress, with the big titties."

"You need to stop going on walks."

"And you need to hurry up and hook up some goddamn DSL in here!"

"Ugh...listen you have an assignment in Ireland."

"I swear this is almost like real life," Glynda pinches the bridge of her nose.

"Oh?" Ozpin raised an eyebrow.

"When was the last time anyone listened to anything I said?" Glynda looked at Ozpin, Ironwood, and Qrow.

"Uhhh,"

"That's what I thought," Glynda rolled her eyes.

"Ooh. I've never hunted down a leprechaun before! Do you think if I shoot them with my gun Lucky Charms will explode everywhere?"

"Sweet god...just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital, and bring the Huntress with you."

"Ah, come on, I have to bring her everywhere."

"Ah, ah, ah, none of the sass!"

"Yes, moooooooom."

"You saved me now you want nothing to do with me?!" Yang gasped, "Dick!"

"Is he a child?" Cinder asked.

"A bloodthirsty murderous child," Mercury added.

The scene changed to a church with a choir singing, birds tweeting, and bells ringing. A sister was seen playing with children as an older man approached.

"So what can I do for you Father O'Malley'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan who is also Mistralian?" Pyrrha Nikos spoke to the older man.

"Why am I a nun?" Pyrrha asked.

"That guy's name is seriously long," Nora eyes were spinning.

"I'm surprised you're still questioning things," Ruby looked at Pyrrha.

"Nonsense!" Oobleck yelled from his seat, "We must always ask questions!"

"Deja Vu," Ozpin shook his head.

"Tell-a me, Nikos," the man with the really long name I don't bother repeating asked, "What is your favorite thing to do?"

"Spreading the word and love of Jesus Christ to the many people of the world," Pyrrha smiled brightly, "Teaching peace and love for all."

"And-a killing-a vampires?"

"Ah just try to fucking stop me," Her face was hidden in shadows as he smiled turned fiendish.

"And-a what about Protestants?"

"Second verse same as the first, now put me on a plane so I put them in a hearse."

"Oooh Pyrrha," Nora cooed, "Eager to break some vampire legs are we?"

"Well they're monsters," Pyrrha thought it over, "Shouldn't we need to kill them."

"But you don't have to be so excited about it," Yang said, "Plus wouldn't that mean killing Jaune?"

"That isn't Jaune," Pyrrha shook her head, "That is an Alternate Jaune."

Yang was sitting on the steps outside a mansion while bullets were being fried from the inside.

"Hey Huntress," a muffled Jaune spoke out, "Huntress! This is awesome! You should totally join in. Seriously, there's like, 40 zombies in here. Just one shot in the head and they explode! It's like House of the Dead, only like 100x more awesome!"

Yang rolled through the door with her sniper rifle ready, "Ugh, fine! I'll shoot some of the rotten bastards. Can't be that much fun..." she fired and the head she was aiming for became confetti.

Yangs both on screen and the audience eyes turned red, "Oh fuck the hell YES." They said simultaneously.

"I think you've played too many games Firecracker," Qrow watched the carnage unfold.

Yang began shooting every zombie in sight! Until she ran out of ammo, then she just used the gun as a club and began beating zombies to death! But that got boring and she decided to use her hands.

"Normally I wouldn't agree with your uncle," Taiyang gulped, "But on this we can agree."

"Nonsense!" Raven applauded, "At least someone besides blondie has a spine."

"Goddamn It Raven," Qrow rubbed his tired eyes.

"Sweet Black-fucking-Sabbath," Jaune approached from behind, "If I wasn't holding out for that beast of a woman, Goodwitch, I'd fuck the red right out of those eyes."

Several swords flew through the air and impaled Yang!

"Kinda like that only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina."

"Damn Vomit Boy!" Yang blushed, "Stop thinking with your dick for one second please!"

"Or stop using it on my daughter/niece!" Qrow and Taiyang yelled.

"I'd think he'd be an acceptable suitor," Raven shrugged.

"What?!" Ruby, Yang, Qrow and Taiyang yelled.

Sniff, sniff.

"Huh?" Jaune turned around, "Suddenly it smells of hypocrisy in here."

Pyrrha was seen walking into the hallway.

"Oh if it isn't the Catholic Church," Jaune saw Pyrrha's bloody blades in her hands, "And what's this? No Little Timmy glued to your crotch? Progress!"

"Ah," Pyrrha smiled like a psychopath, "And look at what we have here: A BLOODY HEATHEN!"

"Excuse me!" Jaune was offended, "But I'm a fuckmothering vampire! A killed a LOT of people to get this title! I deserve to be called as such."

"See?" Raven pointed, "Staring death in the face and laughing at it."

"That can be dangerously close to arrogance," Qrow pointed out.

"From what we've seen," Raven looked at her brother, "I think he can walk the walk."

"I wonder how our fight will go," Pyrrha leaned forward with interest.

"Well then, mind if I ask you your name?"

"Only if you give yours first PAPIST."

"Fine I'll give you the curtesy. The name's-"

"Pyrrha Nikos," Ozpin said to Glynda sitting at her desk.

"Oh fuck all kinds of duck," Glynda gasped.

"Not exactly the words I'd use to describe Ms. Nikos vs Mr. Arc," Glynda sighed at this version of herself.

"Don't you mean Mrs. Arc?" Qrow snickered.

Pyrrha, Yang, and Cinder choked on air.

"Which one?" Raven pointed out, "By the way Queen."

Yang's cheeks darkened and her body went stiff.

"We need to talk," Raven and Taiyang were staring sending a chill up her spine.

"You have been chosen to reveal my existence to the world! You will witness what happens here today and you will tell of it later!" Pyrrha made a cross with his blades, "Except you won't! Cuz I'll have killed ya!" Pyrrha laughs menacingly.

"Oh my! Brilliant speech, and unoriginal. That's totally from Boondock Saints."

"What? No it isn't. I came up with it a week ago!"

"Whatever. We're here for the vampire."

"The only one left here is your pale ass."

Yang was choking, yet again.

"Yeah, Yeah give me a minute," Jaune turned to her for a second then back to Pyrrha. "So what do you want anyway? The nearest elementary school is at least ten miles away.

"It is your corrupt acclaim! It is your EVIL that will be sought by me with every breath!"

"Boondock! Saints! Seriously, you must watch that movie religiously," Jaune chuckled at his own joke, "Get it?"

"Okay, you know what? Fuck it, knife!"

"Knife?"

Before Jaune could react there were two swords in his throat. Yang the tried to stand, but Jaune pulled his hand-cannon from the beginning and shot Pyrrha right in the fucking face!

"Boom," he watched Pyrrha fly, "Headshot." He looked back at Yang, "Well now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a nice bowl of my favorite cereal, Count Choc—"

"DECAPITATION!" Pyrrha screamed as he beheaded Jaune.

"Master!" Yang cried.

"Well now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, "Frankenber—" Pyrrha's skull pushed out the bullet and healed itself, "SON OF A PROTESTANT WHORE!" Pyrrha saw that Yang was no longer there.

"So we're both immortals?" Pyrrha tilted her head, "That's Interesting."

"You just cut off Jaune's Head..." Velvet used her ears to cover her eyes.

"I've got money that says: he'll come back," she shrugged.

"You still cut off his head," Coco shuddered, "And were rather proud of it."

"Coco, your purse turns into a mini gun, you jumped into a horde, and slaughtered how many of them?"

"That's different!"

"Is it? They're both monsters..."

"See?" Yang was carrying Jaune's Head, "This kind of shit is why I stopped going to church."

"Huntress," Jaune spoke with a spoopy voice, "Huntress! You are reading your master's mind. Put my head between your boooooobs!"

"S-See?" Pyrrha gritted through her teeth, "H-He's alive!" I swear I'm going to kill him!

"Seems a lot bolder than our Jaune isn't he?" Blake smirked.

"For once," Yang rubbed her temples.

"Now I'm all alone," she hugged the head, "The only thing I have left is you."

"Very good!" Jaune's voice was muffled, "Now the next thing I want you to do is put my head between your legs!"

A flying sword impaled Jaune's Head on the wall.

"GODDAMN IT!" He screamed.

"Now can you stop thinking with your dick?!" Yang and Pyrrha yelled.

I swear, why does Yang get two?! Can we get seconds?!

"It's a shame for you to lose your head," Pyrrha was stepping closer, "A careless vampire who wound up dead. You wore your sin like it was some kind of prize. Too many lies, too many lies."

"What do I do?" Yang thought to herself, "What do I do? I...I could try seducing her? Wait, I'm not an eight year old boy! Shit!"

"Say your prayers wee lass!" Pyrrha raised his blades only to be shot to pieces. Both looked over to see Glynda with a smoking gun.

"That girl belongs to me," Glynda glared.

"Well aren't you the naughty one?" Pyrrha smirked.

"Glynda!" Qrow faked being offended, "That's my niece you twisted woman!"

"Oh for the love of god," Glynda rolled her eyes and flicked a bucket of popcorn at Qrow.

"Don't make me shoot you in the fucking head!"

"What the hell do you want you crazy Protestant bastard?"

"I'm a WOMAN."

"Call yourself whatever you want you crazy Protestant bastard."

"You do know this is a grave violation of our agreement."

"And what part would that be?"

"The part where you're here, killing my men."

Pyrrha kills her bodyguards.

"I have no idea what you're on about! I'm just here doing my job! Killing vampires, werewolves, and leprechauns. I've never actually meet on but do you think if I stab him with my sword Lucky Charms will come out?!"

"Just shut up! Where the hell is Jaune?"

"Oh him? I KILLED him."

"Killed him?"

"Cut off his bloody head!"

"Oh, well that's step one. What about two through ten?"

"Ah shit!"

EPIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYED AS JAUNE REASSEMBLES HIMSELF.

"Called it!" Pyrrha raised her fist, Now hurry up and kill him other me! Stupid, perverted, vampire Jaune...

"You done goofed," Jaune pointed his gun at Pyrrha.

"How the blood-soaked Protestant hell did you do that?!" Pyrrha watched.

"Fuck you that's how."

"You know what I've had enough of this," Pyrrha pulled out a bible. The pages surrounded him and he teleported away.

"Eat me," Jaune waved, "Don't forget to write!"

"Oh..." Yang watched, "He's alive!"

"Sooooo," Jaune turned to Glynda.

"What?" She asked with a burning cigar.

"Do I get to go after her?"

"No!"

"Awww, come on!"

"No and that's final! We've got bigger things to worry about. Whoever's behind these vampire attacks, it has to be some kind of organized group."

"Like the White Fang?"

"That would be retarded."

The scene changed to an army of Faunus troops.

"Gentlemen," Adam spoke, "Ve...are the White Fang..."

"Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!"

"Und ve...will have war..."

"Sieg Hiel! Sieg Hiel!"

"Und ve... UND VE... ACHOO!"

"Gazuntite! Gazuntite!"

"Professor Goodwitch was right," Blake sighed, "That was retarded."

"But what happens next?!" Ruby cried, "Zombie Pyrrha vs Vampire Jaune?! The White Fang?! Vampire Yang?! Oh come on that can't be how it ends!"

A/N: So my days off are even more screwy than my last job, but chapters will come! Again I apologize for my absence but here is the latest.