Chapter 10: Completed Potion

The following day passed with no incidents. Harry avoided eye-contact with Snape the entire class period and was relieved that the man couldn't find a way to give him a detention. Due to his attempts to avoid Snape, Harry didn't notice that the man was paying him far more attention. And for the first time, Harry was actually paying close attention to his potion and the book from which he was getting directions. Not from the original instructions. Harry was using the words scribbled all over the pages. This was the book Hermione had given him, the same one he used to make the Death Potion. And the written in notes were significantly improving his potions. Harry's other professors paid him no different attention.

After his last class of the day, Harry stalked off to his bed in the Gryffindor dormitory. He closed the curtains and put up silencing spells. He just wanted the silence to think but a thought popped in his head. What if Snape was here with me? In this bed. In MY Gryffindor bed, a Slytherin. His teeth nibbling on my collarbone, his cock in my arse—He pulled himself from the thoughts trying to push them from his mind, but he had a new problem to which attend. His cock was pressing hard against his jeans, painfully. Harry stripped from the waist down and stroked himself. He closed his eyes and imagined Snape was there. His long fingers wrapping around my erection, pulling it to his mouth, sucking me, me getting him off too. His moans. His silky voice begging me for more. Begging, pleading, 'Potter, Potter, Potter! YES! POTTER!" Harry's hips bucked as he came into his hand. He sighed as the pleasure wore away—back to darkness. A quick "Scourgify" and the evidence was gone, but it remained in his mind. He had just jerked off—and not the first time—to the thought of Snape pleasuring him.

Which brought him to the bigger question: Am I really gay? He'd just never thought about guys being an option. Girls are pretty, lovely to look at, really. But am I attracted to them? Do I want to kiss them? Feel them as intimately as I did Snape? He pondered this a while before realizing he had no idea. Harry growled to himself and tried to picture what he found attractive. Nothing but images of Snape popped into his head. "Shit," he muttered when he realized he may only be attracted to someone who despises him.

Harry dressed again and got out his bed. He removed the silencing charm and parted the curtains to head to dinner. On his way there, he saw Snape. The man regarded him with caution, his onyx eyes sweeping over Potter as though he was going to cease to exist. Only a moment's flash of emotion, but Harry caught it. He didn't understand why Snape cared at all. The man in black stalked away, cloak billowing behind him. Harry stared after him for only a moment before changing course and heading to the Chamber of Secrets to finish his potion. He consulted the book one last time and added the three remaining ingredients. Smirking he thought, a death potion that can be brewed in a day… Polyjuice takes longer than that. Like you have time to think out being able to change bodies but not to think too deeply about death. Do I really want to die? Harry posed the other most difficult question wearing on him. He repeated it aloud, "Do I really want to die?" He thought he knew the answer. But the concern in Snape only moments ago made that waver. Maybe he does care and will be sad if I'm gone, Harry thought wistfully before reason pulled him down again. No one wants you, you pathetic little shit! His mind chanted that at him until he tuned it out, knowing he couldn't stop it. He read over a section of information about the potion aloud, "Death Potion has a one week shelf life. If used within the timeframe, after drinking one standard vial full the following will occur: dizziness, drowsiness, decrease in breathing and heart rate. The death will be similar to falling asleep, relaxation is key." He thought about that for a moment 'relaxation is key.' How could someone be calm knowing their death awaits them? A moment later, Harry knew. I have to be completely at peace with my decision or it won't function properly.

After another hour of debating, Harry hid one vial in the cauldron he used, one in the mouth of the Basilisk, one in the bathroom above and popped one in his pocket in case his need became dire. Satisfied, he walked back to his room and plopped into his bed, closing the curtains. He didn't want to talk to anyone. But Ron, of course, stuck his head in. "Heya Harry!" He said cheerfully.

"Hey Ron," Harry replied softly. Guilt gnawed at him as he realized that if he drank the potion, he could be leaving Ron alone. Of course, he has a family. And Hermione. He'd get over it.

"You alright? You look like you've seen a ghost. Or maybe me when I've seen a spider," he said with concern.

"Just tired," he replied convincingly.

"See you in the morning," Ron whispered, taking his head out from the curtains.

"In the morning," Harry repeated softly, well aware of how possible it could have been that he wouldn't be there to see Ron in the morning.

Severus was on his way to meet with the Headmaster when he caught sight of Potter hurrying to dinner. He studied the boy, looking for any signs of abuse. When he found none, he resumed his stalking. He's either lying, which is highly doubtful, or the evidence is well hidden. Well hidden. It clicked. GLAMOURS. He nearly shouted it as two Slytherin first years darted past him. He was too distracted to scold them for their idiotic behaviour. Severus muttered the password to the Headmaster's office, "Lemon Drop." He would have been annoyed with the ease of figuring it out, but the old man changed the password every day.

"Severus, my boy!" Albus said sweetly. "Tea, lemon drop, bit of cake?"

"No, Headmaster."

"Oh Severus, always such formalities. What's troubling you?" He inquired with serious concern.

"There are ingredients missing from my supply cabinet." Albus waited for Severus to continue. When he didn't, Dumbledore gestured for him to go on. "They are specific to harmful potions." A look of worry crossed the elder's face.

"Are you sure that a student just didn't take the wrong ingredients?" He inquired hopefully.

"There are nearly precise measurements gone, Albus. A student has a death wish," he said harshly. He wouldn't let fear creep into his voice or across his stony face. Dumbledore waved his wand, sending wards around the school to seek out any harmful potions outside of the potions room.

"There is nothing, Severus."

"Your wards might not find it," he replied slowly.

"Why not?!" Albus asked incredulously, breaking his usual clam. He truly was worried.

"Because… If the one who desired death so much is hiding it, it will be impossible to find. There will be cloaking spells inadvertently added to the potion," Severus said.

"That's ridiculous!" He exclaimed, making Snape step back.

"Dammit Albus, I don't make the rules!" He retorted. The old man was starting to irritate him, but that was nothing new. Severus wouldn't admit it, but worry was also putting him on edge.

"We need to find the student, Severus." Snape nodded, but said nothing. He dreaded it being one of his house. Don't wish, Severus. They always try. Dumbledore noted the dejected look Severus possessed. "Don't worry, my boy, we will find him or her in time," he said softly, trying to comfort the potions master. Severus stood and left without another word, worry was gnawing him to the core.

He didn't pour himself firewhiskey when he returned to his chambers. Severus went straight to his bed. He expected to fall fast asleep but memories of that night with Potter flitted though his mind. Before he knew it, he was stroking himself. Severus remembered that night of detention as he got himself off faster than before. "Scourgify." Now that that's taken care of, he thought and tried to fall asleep. But thoughts of Potter still remained in the forefront of his mind. Unfortunately not in the way Snape wanted. The memories before him were all ones where the boy looked sad for one reason or another. He was too tired to care and pushed the thoughts down until he fell fast asleep.