Chapter 9: Can'ts & Won'ts
Present
Remus stared hard at the floor unable to meet the impossibly hopeful look in Hermione's eyes. Without looking up, he knew they glistened brightly. He couldn't bear to see the light in her eyes.
Silence hung heavy in the air.
Remus felt Hermione's eyes dropped to the floor and heard the soft crash of her tears on the hardwood. Biting into a sob, she turned away to walk out of the flat.
"I can't, Hermione," he uttered once her back was turned.
She froze. Despite only seeing her from behind, Remus finally saw her. Familiarity and expectations had blinded him early. Now he truly saw how she had transformed in ten years. What the war had done to her.
She was emaciated. Her entire body appeared frail and broken. She was barely hanging on. It was nothing like when she had returned from months of roughing it and living on the run. Then she had looked exhausted but fiercer than ever. Then it had seemed that her suffering had only fed her strength and resolve. This Hermione was defeated. She had lost too much. He could hardly bear to look.
She did not turn to face him, but Remus knew that light in her eyes was gone. Extinguished at last. She was just a shell of the woman he could have loved.
Past
The library of Grimmauld Place glowed softly in warm candlelight and emanated the comforting, homey smell of old books. Hermione was curled into the corner of the couch, feet tucked beneath her, book perched on her lap. Curls fell across her face, and she bit her lip gently in concentration.
When Remus entered the library, she didn't even stir. He chuckled marveling at her focus. He took a seat beside her and opened one of the many books she had stacked around her like some literary fortress. It was a text on protection and concealment charms. Remus smiled a sad knowing smile. She was preparing for their hunt for Horcruxes.
He turned to look at Hermione. She was so young. And so beautiful. What would remain of her after their hunt? After the war? He'd seen war rob the people he loved of their youth, beauty, hope – even their lives. This was not her fight. It was never meant to be. All this should have ended before she was old enough to remember it.
Her warm brown eyes flashed with curiosity and hope as she scanned each page voraciously. He prayed she'd never lose that sparkle in her eyes.
Present
The door slammed. Remus was alone again.
Present
The crisp air bit at her exposed skin. The occasional wind tore through her and sent chills down her spine. Despite it being daytime, the sky was a dismal dark gray. Clouds blocked any cheerful sunshine that might have slipped through.
Hermione let her feet carry her away. She couldn't process everything that had just occurred. She needed to escape.
She followed her feet until she heard the crunch of brown leaves and dry crumbling grass beneath her shoes. Skeletal trees cast eerie shadows across her path.
Her feet had taken her to her usual place of comfort and reflection: Remus' grave. Over the years, she had spent a lot of time there talking to Remus. His voice and persona had always come to her so easily. It only made sense that now, when she needed to talk to Remus more than ever, she would come here.
Wiping tears from her cheeks, Hermione slid to the ground. Leaning against Remus' tombstone, she closed her eyes and pressed the palm of her hands hard against her eyelids. She saw stars.
"What did I do wrong? I was just trying to fix things."
"Not everything is meant to be fixed."
"But I wasn't ready to lose you. I wasn't ready to let go."
"That doesn't make it your decision."
"But I found a way to fix it. What's wrong with fixing something that should have never happened in the first place?"
"You have no way of knowing that."
"Shut up, Remus."
"Love, you can't control everything. Sometimes it is time to let go."
"I can't. I won't."
The voice didn't answer.