A/N: Again with the delays. Just call me McPut-Off. Apologies all around. At the end of this chapter is the list of songs and their groups which have inspired my chapter titles. For the music lovers, all of these are available on iTunes. Check them out!
Veritas
Chapter 10: "Almost Honest"
Time slowed down for Lois. She felt like she was running through a quagmire of glue – her legs seemed like they were barely moving. Her heart didn't seem like it was still beating, though she knew if it was, it had to be near arrhythmia. Yet, despite the slow-motion effect life around her had taken, Lois found herself hurtling over the deck toward the sea plane.
"RICHARD!"
Richard lay helpless beneath the falling hulk. His last resort to cover his face with his arms in a futile gesture. Lois pumped her arms, pleading with whatever God there was watching from above, that someone would help Richard.
But as she closed distance on her stricken fiancé, she suddenly skidded to a halt. Mouth hanging open, Lois gaped at the sight before her. Little Jason – her beautiful, fragile…special boy – stood before her, holding the entire craft up and over his head. He was heaving – terrified beyond comprehension, yet his little arms barely wavered under the bulk of the pontoon. The plane creaked in protest, but steadied in the boy's grip.
Richard paused, still covering his head with his arms, wondering when the death blow would land. Lois fell at his side, clutching him under the arms and heaving him from under the plane. When he looked up, Richard saw his son, holding the plane off the ground – the brace that had been holding the plane up had fallen by the wayside.
Lois could hear her heart beating so loudly she thought it might burst from her chest. Richard sat in front of her, gasping for air and staring in beleaguered astonishment at Jason. After he was sure his father was out of danger, Jason let the plane fall ungracefully to the ground with a loud crash. He backed away from the air craft, never taking his now-enormous eyes off his parents.
A beat passed. The air vibrated with tension. Lois flashed back to the yacht in the storm-tossed sea, when she sat in that pantry and stared dumbly at her son, like she was seeing him for the first time.
Jason was the first to break the silence. "Daddy?" His little voice was tiny, and frightened.
Richard tried to get his throat to work, while Lois sat back on her haunches. Richard's head whipped around to Lois, his normally calm, green eyes were frantic. Lois forced herself to look at him. Oh…oh, God. Not now… please, not now.
"What? How…?" he was trying to wrap his head around what he'd seen, and all Lois could do was sit there like a bump on a log.
Richard scrambled to his knees away from Lois, his head still spinning back and forth like a tennis observer between his fianceé and his son.
"Jason? Are you...alright?" he finally managed.
Jason took a few tentative steps toward his father, tears bubbling up in his eyes.
"Sorry, daddy," he pleaded, "I didn't mean to mess up your plane, but it was gonna fall on you." His little face was turning red with frustration and fear. He thinks we are going to be mad at him, Lois realized – and her heart ached for her boy.
Richard put his hands on the boy's shoulders, holding him at arms length for a moment. He studied Jason – eyes roving over his body like he'd never seen the child before. This obviously scared the boy even more, for more tears gushed down his chubby cheeks, and he sucked in a few sobs while mumbling 'sorry' over and over.
"It's okay, buddy," Richard finally said. He hugged the child to him fiercely and swallowed. "It's going to be okay."
Lois sat, watching the spectacle before her – her hand over her mouth. When Richard looked at her, over their son's head, she saw what she'd been expecting. He knows. Now... he knows…
Richard's eyes had gone dark with the finality of what he now understood. Jason wasn't his son. Not even close.
Lois blinked once. Twice. Slowly but surely, a dull ache fixed itself behind her eyes. Her throat burned like she'd taken a shot of cheap tequila. Where do I go from here? Where do we go?
It suddenly struck her that she had automatically thought about how she would fix this. How this was, after all, her fault. If only she hadn't decided to take that interview with the President, those many years ago. She wouldn't have been in that helicopter when it failed. She wouldn't have fallen, screaming and flailing into the arms of a man who could fly.
And she wouldn't have fallen helplessly, hopelessly in love with him. You. Are. A. Fool, Lois Lane. And now…as promised…it's coming back to bite you in the ass–
"Hey, buddy," Richard's voice was calm, annoyingly calm. "Why don't you go inside and clean up. It's okay, I promise. Daddy isn't mad at you, son."
Jason sniffled, wiping his nose on the sleeve of his shirt. He glanced between his mother and father as if looking for approval. "You're not mad at me?"
Lois couldn't stand it any longer. Taking her son in her arms she choked, "No, baby. No…of course we aren't mad. You saved – you saved daddy." She almost couldn't say 'daddy', and the vibes she was feeling from Richard had definitely registered the near-verbal stumble. "Go inside, we'll be inside in a moment."
Jason nodded, one last look at both his parents, and then shuffled up the grass to the porch. Lois and Richard sat on the ground, in front of the pitifully listing sea plane, only silence passing between them. Lois' hand had returned to cover her mouth. She'd always been rather closemouthed when it came to her personal feelings and problems. But she and Richard had seemed to enjoy a relative understanding throughout their relationship. The glaring blank spots would be concerning Superman, though.
Sitting there, staring mutely at her fiancé, Lois suddenly felt like the hand over her mouth was keeping all the emotion from spewing forth – the cork on the bottle, so to speak. Desperately, she wanted to blurt out how she hadn't known about Jason until the incident with Luthor. That she didn't know until that moment, that he was really Superman's son. And the events surrounding that are still completely locked away in some sadistic file cabinet in my brain, she thought bitterly.
So it was Richard, who broke the stillness first. "When I asked you, that night while we were fixing dinner," he started, his voice chillingly calm, "if you had been in love with Superman, what did you tell me?" It wasn't a question.
Lois couldn't move. The hand over her mouth swiped up the side of her head, brushing her hair back as she strangled on the knot in her throat.
"You said no, right? You said that it was just a story…he was just a story. And you were just lucky enough to be the one he came to for interviews." He sighed. His eyes never left Lois, like he was trying to see inside her soul.
"All this time," he said, "…all this time, I thought you were just putting off the wedding because you had cold feet. Like you thought once you took those vows, I was going to make you stay home like a good little house-wife, or something. I thought you were putting me off to save your independence. Then he came back…and it was like something inside you that had been dead for so long, came back to life."
"Richard, please," Lois couldn't bear this. If he was going to know the truth, he had to know the whole truth. "You've got to understand–"
"No, let me finish," he cut her off. And the stone in his voice chilled Lois to the bone. "I think I've earned the right to say a few things."
He got to his feet and backed away a few steps. "I guess it was stupid of me. I guess I should have put it together sooner – your pregnancy so early in our relationship, Jason's premature birth. I'd thought you took it a little too personally when you wrote that article 'Why the World Doesn't need Superman.' But I never said anything…because I love you. Because I wanted to marry you. And," he looked toward the house, "I love that little boy in there."
Lois stood, her arms clutched around herself. "Richard, I didn't know! Not until we were on Luthor's yacht and Jason…he did something amazing, to save me. Until then, I didn't know he wasn't yours, I swear."
Disbelief flickered in Richard's eyes, and Lois rushed headlong into the explanation – albeit a sorry one – of how the origins of Jason's conception were still a mystery, even to her. God, that is such a lame excuse. I don't even believe it and I'm the one it happened to!
Richard listened blankly as Lois told him how she had confronted Superman about her obvious gap in memories. "So, you don't know how, when or where you slept with him…only that it obviously happened and he left you shortly afterward."
Lois huffed a tear-soaked chuckle, "It's too convenient sounding, I know. And for the life of me, I don't know why he did it, but he must have had a good reason. But why isn't the issue, Richard–"
"I love that boy like my own. I always have."
Lois was momentarily at a loss for words. My God, does he think I would ever doubt that? "Richard, to Jason, you are the only father in the world! Never doubt your importance to him!"
Richard looked toward Jason's window and smiled wistfully. "Until he learns that he and the Man of Steel have a few abilities too many in common. He's scared, Lois. Confused. He has to know he's not alone in this. And let's face it… there is only one man who can fill in those blanks for him." He looked back to Lois, giving her a broken smile.
She knew he was right. God help her, Lois had pushed telling Jason to the back of this whirlwind drama-storm of her so-called life. And even Richard was thinking farther ahead than she.
"I know. And so will he. But you will always be his father, Richard." She took a step toward him. She felt vulnerable, scared, wound-up and so God-forsaken tired she wished the world would open and swallow her whole. "Where do we go from here?" she asked in tiny voice.
Richard looked down on her, tears pooling in his eyes. "I don't know. I need," he tried, stumbling over his words, "I need to get out of here for a while. Go stay in the city somewhere. I need space, Lois. I have to get my mind around all this, and it's too much."
Lois had figured as much. And she couldn't deny that continually being around Richard in the same house was horrifying to her. At least now, after everything that had happened. They both needed the space.
"You have to tell Jason something, or he's going to think that your leaving is his fault too," she said.
Richard swiped a tear away from his cheek and nodded. "Don't worry. I'm going to talk to him." He looked back down on Lois, searching her face.
Lois' heart broke even more. "Richard–"
But he held up a hand to hush her, "You know? I saw the way you looked at him, that day on the plane when he was going to fly back to that island. And, honestly…I knew right then…you were never going to look at me that way."
He touched her cheek with the pads of his fingers, and Lois squeezed her eyes shut to the pain of his words.
Richard whispered, "Not even now." And when she opened her eyes, he was gone, the porch door closing and echoing within her soul.
--------------------------
He was on the outside, looking in. Again. And he didn't think he could feel lower than he did right at that moment. Superman, always tuned in to Lois with this super-hearing, had heard the commotion with the sea plane from the other side of Metropolis. And of course, he had sped there in plenty of time to see his son display his heritage.
He could hardly believe his eyes, as he floated dumbfounded above the scene. This must have been what it was like for Mom and Dad, when they first saw me use my powers as a kid. And it took all of his strength not to zoom in and try to reassure Jason. The fear and confusion on the child's face was a sucker-punch to his heart.
But he couldn't interfere. Not when he saw the exchange between Richard and Lois. And never, save for when Lois verbally accosted him with guilt on that rooftop, had he felt like such a wretched piece of trash. This is all my fault. It was like pouring boric acid in a fresh wound.
Quietly he watched, from a safe distance in the sky, while the woman he loved tried to explain his mistakes to Richard. And for the first time, Superman truly felt sorry for Richard.
He sagged to the ground finally, behind some trees near Lois' house. You're a coward, Clark. For not telling Lois the truth about everything that had happened, for leaving her to deal with all this. For spying on a moment that should have been private, for her and Richard. But, he knew he couldn't go far. Lois was in pain – hurting – and he could feel it. Clark knew he could no sooner turn his back and leave, than he could tear his out his own heart.
When he saw Richard's car leave the driveway, Superman stepped from the shadows. Lois was still standing in the middle of the lawn, hugging herself tightly.
"Lois?" he asked quietly.
Lois jerked hard, startled. But she didn't turn to him immediately, only acknowledging his presence with a slight tilt of the head. "Oh, perfect timing."
Superman wasn't entirely sure she said that for his benefit, or God's, but he pushed his cape back over a shoulder and took a few more steps toward Lois.
"Lois, I saw everything."
Lois stared out over the river, and he could see tear stains moistening her cheeks.
"Did you now," she answered in a low voice.
He sighed heavily. How do I begin here?
Lois suddenly turned her head to him, "Did you see where all of this has brought us now?" Her voice was harsh, cutting right through his impervious skin. Lois' face changed oddly, as she looked at his suit. As if in pain, she scrunched her eyes shut and moaned, "God, you just had to come wearing that!"
The realization that this was the first time since she discovered his identity that she had seen Clark as Superman, finally dawned on him. Lois lowered her head and hid her face, while Superman's mouth hung open for a moment.
Way to go, Mr. Sensitivity! She's been through hell tonight and you're going to throw your multiple identities in her face too! In a split second, Clark was standing before Lois, wearing a pair of brown chinos and a white tee shirt. He ran a hand through his hair, ruffling it, and hoped seeing him in less conspicuous clothes might coax Lois to look at him. Or to at least let me be able to get closer to her..
"Better?" he asked shyly, coming around to face her and dipping his head to catch her eye.
She wiped her face with both hands before looking up at him again. Dully, she acknowledged his clothing change, but was obviously too tired to bring up where he'd kept the spare threads. Clark took a moment to soak up her countenance. In the moonlight, with the lighting from the deck bathing her skin in a soft yellowish hue – she looked luminous.
A longing hit him somewhere in the vicinity of his stomach – he wanted to comfort her so badly he ached. But the reddened eyes and waves of sorrow rolling off of her brought him back to the here and now.
"So," she said hoarsely, "Come to make amends, have you? The superhero Mr. Fix It with the ridiculous disguise that fools millions." She shook her head ironically. "Especially fooling Yours Truly here."
"Lois, all I wanted was to make sure you are okay." He caught himself when she narrowed her eyes at him. "Okay, so making sure you're okay is a stupid thing to say…since, you're so obviously n-not, uh…okay." Funny, he thought, how one look from her can throw me right back into stuttering yokel mode.
Lois sighed, "Clark, please." She looked up into his eyes, and a fresh flood of tears came spilling out.
Before he could stop himself, Clark reached for her. The sight of new tears sending him almost over the edge, and the enormous need to touch her becoming too much to bear – he took her face in his hands.
"Lois…hey. Lois?" He tilted her face up to his, trying to silently will the knowledge that everything would be okay into her being.
Lois sobbed, "No. God, no…I can't do this." She pulled away and stepped back, raking her hands through her hair. "I can't do this. Everything was fine. Our lives, our home, our future. Richard and I had a future! At least...I think we did."
She was pacing now, the words tumbling out with the tears, with Clark standing helplessly by.
"And then, here you came. Back into my life…into my hear–" she paused, catching herself. "He was right, I put him off – I put off our life together because I was hoping you'd return. Oh, my God! What kind of a woman does that to a man who loves her and her son?"
Clark didn't know what to say. He knew she was talking this out for her own benefit, but it was killing him to see her so distressed and not being able to help.
"Lois, I–"
"Oh, Clark, it's not all your fault. I realize that now," she said sniffing back tears and tugging at a strand of hair. "It's my fault. Five years of waiting, raising a son," she looked back at Clark, "our son – together. I loved him! I loved Richard!" Lois stopped and stared at the ground. To herself she muttered, "Didn't I?"
Clark said, "Please, Lois. Please calm down. We will figure all of this out. I promise."
Lois continued to shake her head, staring blankly at the ground as if the answers to her life problems would bloom there like buds in the spring. "It's all changed. I've ruined our future…and I don't know how to get back to where we were."
Clark stood in front of her again, gently brushing the hair from her wet cheeks. His heart was aching, and he'd have given every superpower he had to be able to spend the rest of the night holding Lois in his arms.
"It's all going to change, yes, but we'll figure it out. Change doesn't always have to be a bad thing," he said.
It was a baldly hopeful thing to say, with the woman of his dreams in tears and utterly lost before him, a son who didn't know that he was his father, and a whole multitude of problems ahead for both of his dual lives. But Clark didn't care. He'd been dreaming for this life for as long as he could remember. He had to keep the faith that he might still get it. And maybe, I can get Lois to have a little hope as well. The connection between us is stronger than all of this.
He held Lois' face in his hands, savoring the feel of her skin. He stared deeply into her eyes, imagining all the wonderful possibilities of what could be – when they recovered from all of these sudden changes and she gave in to her heart's true desire. It's in her heart...it's all there in her heart...
Lois gazed back into his blue eyes for a moment, as if she was searching for some of that perfect future he was imagining.
Then, she pulled away, breaking contact. "I know you're trying to help, Clark. But just…just go. I have to figure this out on my own, for now."
She turned away and faced the house, hugging her arms to her chest and swallowing down the last of her tears.
Clark's soul screamed at the loss of contact, and the rude whip-lash back into reality. His dream-world had melted away when she pulled away, and though he knew she needed some time, he couldn't help the weight that pressed down on his heart again. I can't lose her. I won't. He summoned up a half-smile of understanding and nodded.
"Sure, Lois. But I'm always here, you know. I-If you need me."
TBC….
Chapter 11 coming soon! More angst, more mystery…stay tuned! Special thanks to Htbthomas and Sean Montgomery for the betas! Smoochies!
As promised, the list of Chapter titles (song names) and groups who inspired them:
1. Scratch – Kendall Payne
2. Rebuke – none
3. Hands Open – Snow Patrol
4. Catalyst – Anna Nalick
5. Won't Get Fooled Again – The Who
6. Inside Out – Vonray
7. All At Once – The Fray
8. Eyes Wide Open – GooGoo Dolls
9. In Too Deep – Sum 41
10. Almost Honest – Josh Kelly