Several months later
Mackenzie knew she was in that nebulous world between sleep and waking. She could feel herself drifting and she wanted to reach across the mattress and grab Will's hand but she couldn't. She saw the crowd in the dusty center of town, surging forward toward her, and for some reason her dream self didn't seem to be aware of it. And then she felt the searing pain in her side and the ground rushing up at her and she couldn't breathe.
"Will?!" she shouted out in the dark of the bedroom and bolted upright.
"What? I'm right here Mac" he whispered, grabbing her hand and pulling her back down against him.
"I'm sorry. Do you think I woke anyone else?" she asked, trying to slow her breathing by leaning her head against his chest and taking deep breaths of the unique scent she associated with Will and sleep and love and safety.
"I don't think so. You weren't that loud. Bad one this time?" he asked, wiping her sweaty hair away from her forehead.
She just nodded her head against him. They were staying with some old friends in Montauk for the week and Mackenzie had worried the change in schedule and bed might spur some nightmares. It had. But thankfully all these months of therapy at least meant that, usually, she could talk to Will about them when she woke. And, mercifully, she had stopped lashing out at him in her sleep. Most of the time, he had told her, she now clung to him instead.
"Pakistan or something else?" he asked. He knew that the most vivid nightmares were reserved solely for her time in the Middle East. But every now and again, she had told him, other things got mixed in as well. Dreams where he died or he left her. Dreams where Leona fired them both for some mistake that she alone had made. Or something happening to one of the young associate producers when they made the choice to cover news out in the field. Mackenzie carried so many burdens on her shoulders and he hoped she was learning she didn't have to do it on her own. Not anymore.
"Tell me" he whispered, rubbing her back and pulling her closer into his side.
"The worst ones are when it seems like I'm falling. That's what it felt like to almost die Will. It wasn't peaceful and my life didn't flash before my eyes. It just felt like that awful sensation you get in a dream when you think you're falling. I think that's what scares me most. That dying is just horrible and scary and painful and there is nothing else after that. Do you think that's what it is Will?"
Shit Mac, you sure do know how to ask the big questions don't you? How the hell do you answer that one in the middle of the night, without sounding trite or overly philosophical? Or just sleep deprived and pessimistic?
"I don't think you were dying Mac. That's my best answer to that one. Maybe I'm wrong or maybe I just can't imagine a world where I exist and you don't, but I don't think it was your time to go that day. You had too much left to do and we had too much unfinished business left between us. So, that falling feeling you had…that wasn't what dying feels like Mackenzie. That was what getting shocked into action feels like. That was what a jolt of realization feels like. That was your body keeping you alive until you could get back here and kick my ass into gear and fix us and fix the news. That's what that was Mac."
"Was that the only thing you could think of at two in the morning or is that what you really believe Will?" she asked, wearily.
"Maybe both. I don't know Kenz. I don't have all the answers but I really like to think that if it's your time to go, it is peaceful and calm. So that day in Pakistan? It just wasn't your time to leave me yet. And I hope to God that day doesn't come any time soon" he told her kissing her forehead.
"I love you too Billy" she told him.
Ever since that startling revelation in Habib's office on a cold January day, she had been doing her best to share her feelings with Will. At first, it was a struggle. She was not now, nor had she ever been, a sharer. Neither was Will, really. And so they slogged through several months of therapy trying to break down those walls and let each other in.
When she woke in the night, gasping for breath, she had to force herself not to jump out of bed and sit by herself in the living room waiting for her heart to stop racing before she tried to go back to sleep. No, that was not going to be the solution to their problems. She learned to calm herself through deep breathing exercises Habib had taught her. And then, cautiously, she would reach out for Will.
Sometimes all she wanted was to touch him and reassure herself that he was there and they were together and safe, at home, in New York City. But, as time went on and therapy eased her fears of reaching out to others for help, she found herself tugging on his hand and whispering his name. He would wake and listen to her tell him about her dream until they both fell back to sleep curled up against each other.
"It's nice out here. Quiet and slow…not like the city at all" she whispered to him.
"Yeah, and it would drive you insane after a couple of weeks Mackenzie."
"Probably" she said. They had enjoyed these last few days with Marc and Isobel, friends of Mac's from university. Will hadn't seen them since he and Mac had split up all those years ago, but they were soon all laughing and sharing stories like they had never spent any time apart. That's what good friendships were, she thought. Relationships that could survive time and distance and changes and still be there when everyone was ready to return.
"Emma's a handful" Will chuckled. Marc and Isobel's five year old daughter was a handful. She was loud and energetic and boisterous. And, quite frankly, she was exhausting.
"I don't think I can do it Will" she said so softly he almost didn't hear her.
"What?" he asked.
"Kids. I know you said it didn't matter, but if it does I just want you to know now, before we're in any deeper. I don't think I can do it."
He watched her silently. And waited.
"I see Isobel, and I know she loves her daughter, but there's this look she gets sometimes like she wonders where everything else went. She's forty-three and she's exhausted Will. I'm already forty now and I don't think I want whatever time I have left with you to be that."
He waited again. He knew there was something she wasn't saying, because if Mackenzie wanted a baby she wasn't going to let a little fatigue get in the way.
"And I think, if you decide to have a child, it should be something you absolutely know with certainty you can't live without. You should know that you want that little person to become the center of your universe and you should be positive that you are ready to handle it. Anything less is unfair to the child. Don't you agree?"
"I do" he said solemnly.
"I don't think that's us Will. I'm still working through PTSD and a sometime's totally fucked up sense of self-worth. It's taken me months to get to the point I'm at now and I still don't think I'm anywhere near normal in the interpersonal communication department. And you can barely talk to me about most of your childhood."
He nodded against her hair. "And what else Kenz?" he asked, because he knew there was something she wasn't saying.
"And I can't not have what we have now Will. We worked too hard and too long to have us and I'm not ready for that to change. For anyone, not even our child. I love working with you and I love going home with you. I see other couple's come back from a few days of vacation and they're nearly ready to kill each other if they don't get out of the same car. That's not us Will. We spend twenty-four hours a day together and sometimes I still think it isn't enough. Do you know what Sloan said to me the other day?" she asked him after her breathless monologue.
"What?" he asked, not sure he wanted the answer. Sloan was forever trying to insert herself in their personal life. It would be amusing if it weren't so damn annoying.
"She said I even smell like you."
"What?" he asked, chuckling.
"I don't know. Maybe I used your soap that day or had worn one of your old sweaters when I was sitting around the house. The point is, we've become this almost comical, joined at the hip couple and I like it Will. I really like it. And when I picture my future the only thing I see is doing the news with you until we can't do it anymore and then getting a house like this. Maybe in the Hampton's, maybe in the Lake District. Or maybe a house in London and we could go to the theatre every fucking night. I don't care where we do it, but that's the only future I want. Is that ok, Will?"
"Are you done now?" he asked, pushing her hair back from her face and wiping the tears that had begun to form.
"Yes" she said quietly.
"First off, I don't think I want to know why Sloan knows what I smell like. And secondly, I'm over fifty years old Mackenzie. If having a child had been a priority in my life I should have started focusing on it a little earlier. And if you don't want to have children, then the subject is certainly closed for me now. Because without you I don't have a family anyway. And that whole idea of doing the news until we retire to a beach house somewhere sounds like a pretty damn good one to me. I'm in if you're in" he told her firmly, taking her pinky finger in his and locking them around each other.
"Will?" she said almost meekly, looking up at him from where she was pressed against his side.
"What Mackenzie?" he asked, wondering how many more life changing decisions she could possibly want to discuss before the sun even came up.
"Will you marry me?" she asked, wrapping her hands around his.
"What?!" he asked, shocked beyond words.
"Will you marry me? You know, be my husband, my other half, the old ball and chain? Will you marry me William Duncan McAvoy?" she asked, now sitting up on her knees and looking down at him.
"Damn it Mac! Do we even share a brain now? Can't I plan one single, fucking surprise anymore?" he mumbled, getting up out of bed and searching through his overnight bag.
"I'm sorry! I just love you, ok?! And I want to share the same last name, and file joint taxes, and be able to call you something other than my boyfriend, because it sounds ridiculous and juvenile and not at all appropriate to describe what we are to each other. Is that too much to ask?!" she shouted.
"No. It's not too much to ask Mac, but you ruined the whole thing! Now I have to improvise and you know how much I hate to deviate from a plan" he told her, grasping a small box in his hand and kneeling down next to the bed.
"Mackenzie Elizabeth McHale, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?" he said, looking up at her, crouched on the bed in her nightshirt, hair a disheveled mess and she had never looked more beautiful….or shocked.
"But, I wanted to ask you" she whined.
"And you did. Now I'm asking you. Want to try giving me an answer before my knees give out?" he asked, smiling at her childish pout.
"Yes!" she said happily and scooped the ring out of the box. Not the ridiculous farce of a ring he had showed her all those months ago in his office, after the team did some dirt digging on him. No, he had told her all about that one. And she had forgiven him…after he donated it to a charity auction. This ring was perfect and beautiful and new and she was never taking it off.
"Kenz?" he asked, still kneeling on the floor.
"Yeah?"
"Can you help me up now?" She bounced out of bed, sniggering at his struggle and pulled him up onto the mattress and then pounced down onto him.
"Can we please get out of here tomorrow and go to a hotel?" she asked him.
"Sure, but we told Marc and Isobel that we'd be here until Friday" he reminded her.
"I know that and I've enjoyed seeing them, but I'm tired of spending our time off with three other people. And I'm tired of eating Macaroni and Cheese as a side dish to every meal because its Emma's favorite. And, most importantly, I'm tired of being in a bedroom right next door to a five year old and trying to be very quiet and not wake her up. I want to go get a suite at The Ocean Dunes and celebrate our engagement without worrying who will hear us."
"I'll call first thing in the morning" he whispered, pulling her firmly against him.
"And Will?" she asked.
"What Kenz?"
"Just remember…I asked you first" she whispered into his neck and kissed him as she fell asleep.
Author's Notes: Well, we've finally reached the end of this one after more than four months! Sorry it's taken me so long to finish it, but at times, this story was a more difficult one to write than some of my others. Maybe because it touched on very real-life issues that I didn't want to trivialize, and so, I hope in taking my time to complete this, I haven't offended anyone who has experience with issues like PTSD, anxiety, depression, etc.
Let me also say, for those who might feel that this was not the ending you were hoping for, well I really just wanted to write a different happy ending for Will and Mac here. Not everyone's idea of happily ever after is two kids and a dog in the suburbs, it certainly isn't mine. And that's ok…everyone's entitled to their own decisions. And I wanted to portray the idea of a having a child as the monumental decision it is. Some people very wisely realize it might not be the best choice for them.
Ok, that was my rant for the day. I will stop pontificating now and move on to the thank yous. Serious thanks go out to my new little group of readers/writers/friends at the Newsroom Writers Group. You know who you all are. It's been so much fun talking to you guys and getting feedback on my stories. Thanks a million! And to all the rest of you readers…thanks for sticking it out and waiting for me to get up off my lazy behind and finish writing this. It's been a blast!