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Here's chapter nine - hope you guys enjoy. Let me know what you think.

Chapter nine

Failings

November

'What part of 'you are absolutely not to participate in anything strenuous or physically exerting' do you not understand?' Madam Pomfrey snapped. It was the first time Harry had actually seen her this angry; it was very intimidating. His head was still pounding and the last thing he needed was someone shouting directly in his still tender ears. 'Do you really think you're in any position to be duelling? Duelling Death Eaters? I'll answer that for you – no, you are not. That's why you've ended up in my hospital wing once again.' She blew out an agitated breath and almost slammed the vials she'd been holding onto Harry's bedside. 'Do you have a death wish?' she shouted.

'I –' Harry started.

'I don't want to hear it,' she said brusquely. 'I have spent far too much of my time putting you back together for you to just go and get yourself killed.' She pointed a threatening finger in his face. 'I won't have it, understand?'

Recoiling in his bed, Harry couldn't do anything other than nod.

'Good, now drink.' She pointed to the vials on the tabletop.

Gingerly, Harry reached out for them and downed them in three quick gulps.

Satisfied, she snatched the vials from his fingers and marched off towards her office, muttering viciously under her breath. It had taken three full days before Harry had recovered enough to be woken. Madam Pomfrey had managed to fix the damage to his lungs; the burn on his leg had been healed, leaving a faint pink scar in its wake. The cuts and bruises on his face had vanished and his ears had been fixed though there was still a slight ring that hadn't been there before. His body, rested, patched up and stitched back together, was feeling more energetic and useful than it had done in weeks. He'd even made it to the toilet and back several times without feeling the need to rest. Fighting for his life had reminded his body how to work, how to fight and for the first time since his battle with Voldemort, Harry was feeling almost completely normal again. Save one thing…
Remus looked as though he was going to morph into a werewolf and bite his head off at any minute. He was sat beside him, staring distantly at the wall on the opposite side of the room. His hands were folded neatly in his lap. He'd sat silently from the moment Harry had woken.

Harry twitched nervously in his bed, his stomach squirmed uncomfortably.

'Can you just shout at me please?' he burst out finally. He regretted it immediately as he caught the look on Remus' face.

'Do you want me to shout at you?' he asked.

Harry shrugged. 'Not really – but I know you want to.'

'I'm not going to shout,' Remus said flatly. He looked tired; the dark blue circles under his eyes gave him away. Madam Pomfrey had finally managed to heal the deep wounds on his face but he was still as scarred as ever. 'I won't shout because raising my voice won't get you to listen.'

'I'm sorry,' Harry said quietly, wishing that Remus would look at him properly.

'Are you?'

Harry paused. Better to be honest…

'No.'

A sour grin tugged at the corner of Remus' mouth. 'I thought not.'

'But look, I'm alright aren't I? We all are…' Harry paused a moment. 'Tonks is okay, right?' he asked anxiously. 'And everyone else?'

'She had some minor spell damage, she's at St. Mungos. Everyone is okay – Poppy patched them all up.'

Harry nodded, relieved.

'See, everything worked out fine –'

'That is very much beside the point, Harry,' Remus said, his voice had a hard edge. 'You're being reckless with your own life. You're angry and so you're taking absurd risks in some deluded attempt to vent your frustrations!'

Harry scowled back at Remus.

'It is not deluded!' he snapped.

'You had absolutely no need to be in Hogsmede! And by doing so you endangered the lives of other people!'

'No need? Remus, the Death Eaters are after me!'

'What did you expect them to do, Harry?' Remus snapped. 'Stop fighting us and turn all their attention to you? You are not the only thing they are focused on. They want to kill all of us. And when you turn up in the middle of a full scale battle, the Order turns their attention to you and stops focusing on their own safety!'

Harry clenched his jaw tightly as Remus' harsh words tore through him, knowing full well that Remus was referring to Tonks.

'You don't know how to deal with your own problems and feelings and as a result you are being selfish and focusing on your desire for revenge, or redemption or whatever is it you are so desperately seeking.'

'It isn't that,' Harry said quietly, shame coursing through him. 'I'm not after revenge –'

Remus raised his eyebrows.

'No – well, perhaps Hogsmeade was. I was rash and acting on something Malfoy had said.'

'Malfoy?' Remus asked, confused.

'You know Malfoy is a Death Eater, right?' Harry said quickly, the memory of the conversation he'd had with Draco rushing back. He was suddenly desperate to voice his findings.

Remus eyed him carefully.

'That's a very dangerous accusation to make about someone.'

'It's true!' Harry insisted. 'He may not have the dark mark but he's definitely one of them. I know it.'

'And you're making that judgement based on what exactly?'

'That's how I found out about the attack at Hogsmede,' Harry told him. 'We overheard him boasting about it in the corridors and then he pretty much told me right to my face. How could he know that if he's not working with them?'

Remus was quiet for several moments. 'That is not to be broadcast publicly,' he said firmly. 'Who else knows?'

'Everyone who came with me to Hogsmeade.'

'Okay, I'll speak with Severus – but you are not to discuss this with anybody. Do you understand?'

'Why?' Harry asked. 'People should know – aren't you going to arrest him, or expel him at the very least!'

'It's not that simple, Harry.'

'Not that simple?' Harry echoed furiously. 'He's a Death Eater and he's inside the castle! Who knows what kind of damage he could do!'

'Harry, listen to me,' Remus cut him off sharply. 'This goes far beyond the matter of a school boy grudge. He, like you, may also need protection. He's not even sixteen and after what happened to Lucius and with Narcissa disappearing, he may have found himself trapped within that world. He needs as much as help at staying alive as you do.'

'You're taking his side?' Harry said, disbelievingly.

Remus stared him down. 'At the moment, yes I am.'

'Why?'

'Because everybody deserves a second chance,' Remus said. 'His mind has been warped into believing the ways and traditions of Voldemort and the Death Eaters since he was a small child. If he's beginning to question their motives, isn't it our duty to offer him a way out?'

'What makes you think that he's beginning to question their motives?' Harry asked curiously.

'He told you to your face about the battle,' Remus said. 'Doesn't that tell you something?'

'What? No – other than he wanted me to run off and get myself killed,' Harry said with a dark scowl.

'Perhaps when you've gotten over your rash decision making and resolved your anger issues, you'll be able to see the bigger picture,' Remus said.

'I'm not angry!' Harry yelled. He didn't turn to see Remus' sarcastic expression. 'Fine, I'm always angry. I'm angry every single second of every day but that's not why I want to fight.'

'Then what is it?'

'I – I need to help. There's just a compulsive need within me to help you fight. I can help people, I could save them.'

'It's not your responsibility to save everyone,' Remus said, his voice loosing the harsh edge it carried earlier. 'I don't understand why you have such a desperate need or desire to save people.'

'Because I end up getting them killed otherwise!'
Remus was silent for some time.

'What do you mean by that?' he said eventually.

'Four people are dead because of me,' Harry muttered. 'I couldn't save Sirius, or Cedric or Dumbledore, not even Ron… or the hundreds of others who have died because Voldemort wanted me dead.'

Remus looked pained. 'Harry, we've spoken about this. What happened to them, it wasn't your fault – everything that happened, none of it was your fault!'

'I know, I know,' Harry said, frustrated. 'Not directly. I didn't hold a wand to their heads – but because of the prophecy, because I'm alive – they're not. And that's something that haunts me every single day.'

Remus shifted in his seat to face Harry directly. 'It's because of Voldemort that they're dead and it's because of you that you're alive,' he said gently. 'You fought to bring down the person who killed your friends and family, at great costs to your own health and well being. You are grieving, Harry, and feeling guilty is a natural part of this process. One day, when you're older perhaps, you'll understand this and you'll realise that there was nothing that you or anybody else could have done to prevent their deaths.'

Harry stared at the wall opposite him, letting Remus' words fend off the storm of anger that wanted to tear through him almost constantly these days. He felt better, hearing it from Remus, hearing that it wasn't his fault – but it would take a lot more than kind words to prevent that thought from entering his head again.

'What happened in the forest, Harry?' Remus asked. 'What scares you about that night?'

Sensing that this might be the only opportunity that his mind was willing to let him speak about that night, Harry decided to tell him.

'I almost gave up,' he said almost silently.

This apparently was not the answer Remus had been expecting as he looked thoroughly confused.

'That scares you?' he asked. 'That's why you feel so angry?'

Harry nodded.

'I almost gave up because it was easier than fighting,' he said. He felt a hot blush of shame creeping around his neck. 'After everything you'd said to me about fighting for Ron and fighting for my parents and I just – let him take control of me.'

'But you won,' Remus told him, placing his hand on Harry's shin and giving it a quick shake. 'You beat him. So you didn't give up.'

'I know, but it's the thought of what could have happened if I didn't fight back. If he'd taken over my body or found some other way to resurrect himself – what would have happened then?'

'Harry, I know you're going to think this sounds ridiculous, but is that even worth thinking about?'

Harry nodded. 'Yes,' he said, 'Because it reminds me that I can't ever give up like that again, not when people are depending on me.'

Remus looked at him sadly. 'You are only human, Harry,' he told him. 'As I said earlier – it is not your responsibility to save the entire wizarding population.'

Harry turned to him. 'Then why does it feel like it is?'

Remus had no response for that. Harry was quite right of course. With the attack on Hogsmeade the wizarding world was now looking towards Harry once more to act as their saviour, to do something to stop the Death Eaters in their tracks. Anger beat through Remus' heart. What more did they want from him? Harry had almost died ridding the world of Voldemort and now they wish him to put his life on the line again so their world is safe. That isn't a job for a teenage boy. That's a job for an army, he thought bitterly. And then an idea hit him, so forcefully that he almost bolted from the room to McGonagall's office straight away. He gave Harry a quick pat on the shoulder and got to his feet, almost giddy from anticipation.

'I've got to go and sort out yours and your fellow comrades detentions,' Remus said.

'All of them? You put Hermione in detention?' Harry said, astounded.

'What choice did I have?' Remus said.

'Wow. She's going to hate that.'

'Even though I'm about ninety nine percent certain the rest of you corrupted her, she still had a part to play in this. I have a feeling you're all going to be seeing a lot more of Professor Snape in the next few months.'