Chapter Ten.

I don't own Neopets. Tamara and all them are mine.

"For Goodness Sakes, Tam . . . Get Help!"
Chapter Ten

"Hey Tam. You doing any better?" Randi asked me two weeks after Maya's funeral. That was her question everyday. And everyday, my answer was the same.

"No." I shook my head, listening to Sheldon whimper.

We were sitting in Tyrannian lobby. A study group between us was made. Bella, Randi, Cam and I usually studied together. But, as of late, Bella had left us. If I did see her, it usually wasn't for very long. Tonight, much to my surprise, Kara had asked to join us. Cam (who had started the group) shrugged with the response "The more the merrier".

I glanced down at Fangore who was curled up next to my chair with Callaban laying nearby, sleeping. I turned back to the deep stack of homework I had yet to do. One, of which, was notecards for an upcoming exam in Neopian Care-taking Class.

Just as I flipped over a used card, I felt something cold and wet touch my elbow. It was Skittles, Cam's Xweetok. The gold and black creature nuzzled me and pawed at my arm; her honey-colored eyes full of sadness.

I put down my pencil and rubbed Skittles's face. He twittered and purred. His eyes closed as he brushed against my palm. This was only the fifth time Skittles even allowed me to touch him. All five times were when I had a sour face.

And, although I was allowing Skittles to be a comfort to me, I tensed for the question I knew was coming from Skittles's owner.

"Maybe you should see a counsellor?" Camara said, touching my arm with the same, concerned contact she had been giving me lately.

"No." I said, drawing away and slamming my textbook shut. I started cleaning up my homework, muttering about working in the privacy of my room.

"Tam! Wait." Camara begged me as I started to rise. Skittles wrapped himself around my arm as though attempting to keep me from leaving. Fangore lifted his head and growled, warningly. I stopped and looked at Cam. "I didn't mean any offense. It's just . . . we're all worried about you. You've taken Maya's death very hard. You're not the Tamara we know and love."

I shrugged. "Yeah well, watching your best friend die does that to a person."

Sheldon reared back and wrapped his forepaws around my leg just as Randi started speaking; Fangore growled even louder at the Bori. "Tam, look, we only want what's best for you." She rose and clapped me on the shoulders. "You've changed. Not in a good way, but we don't even know who you are anymore."

"People change, Randi." I said.

"Not this bad." Randi said. "And not this fast."

" Look." I said, glaring a all of them. "I've had this conversation before with you guys. I've had it with Bella, Alison, Kayla and even Teresa. I will have this conversation again. I will not counselor."

"Just explain why." Kara said.

"I don't like using people." I said. That was, and always will be, my excuse for not seeing a counselor.

"Using people?" Cam sighed and dropped her head on her arms. "Tam! That's what they're there for! That's what their meant to do! It's even offered here for free! Don't tell me you won't take advantage of that!"

"Alright. I won't." I said, petting Skittles in an attempt to make her let go.

"What exactly are you afraid of?" Randi demanded. "There is really no shame in asking for help. Besides, there's some relief if you talk to someone."

"I'm afraid of being too reliant on people." I said.

"They're not going to let you be reliant." Randi said. "They're only going to tell you how best to deal with your depression. And don't tell me you're not depressed."

"Okay, I admit. I'm depressed. But it's not something uncontrollable." I agreed.

"Tam, you can't control everything." Cam said.

"Isn't that what we're learning here?" I asked.

"Not exactly." Kara said. "We're here to learn how to bond with neopets. Both with ours as well as with the other neopets here."

"Anyway." Cam interrupted. "If you're afraid of walking in alone, I'm sure Randi or myself would be willing to walk you to the center. Hell, I would even walk you through the door."

"Well, they would let you walk through the door." Randi said. "Confidentiality issue."

"That's true." Cam said. She looked at me. "Just think about it."

Needless to say, I did think about it. But it still bothered me. To me, counseling was only for people who couldn't deal with their own problems. I only tried to kill myself once and Alison was the one that had stopped me from doing the act.

But, what I hadn't realized was how deep of a hole I had dug. Or how bad I really was. It came as a great shock to me when I realized I couldn't see things the same way I used to. I saw glass bottles not as containers that held my favorite drink—Root Beer—but more as sharp fragments to which to pierce my skin with. Even plastic trash bags had their moments.

Out of fear (since Randi and Cam couldn't shut up about it and talked to Teresa about what was happening to me) the Resident Director came up to my room and took out all the sharp, pointy objects she could find. She even relieved me of my pocket knife-that she knew I had-that was visible within my pocket. She said I could have it back once we were both sure I wasn't a danger to myself. Teresa even spent two hours trying to convince me that I needed to see a counselor but I stubbornly disagreed with her. Eventually, she gave up and left me alone with the words "If you change your mind . . . you know where to find me".

I thought I wouldn't change my mind. In fact, I had brushed aside Teresa's offer. I thought I was okay.

But, none of it was worse than the day I went down to the reflection pond.

It was a clear, warm day. A Friday. And one of my favorite days of the week, no less. I was laying on my stomach on my bed, cushioned only by my ancient pillow. My textbook on Neopian Health and Fitness lay open while I took notes on Mynci exercise techniques. I was fine studying alone in the comfort and silence of my room. Kara had gone to the training field with Callaban, which suited me just fine.

I had no idea I was going to be receiving a visit from Alison.

"Hey, Tam." She said.

I jerked my head around to look at Ali. "Yes?" I said, wincing. I had been having hard pains in my sides which could go unexplained. The pain was dull now due to some of the painkillers the school nurse had given me.

"What'cha doin'?" She asked.

"Homework." I told her.

"Okay." She walked around to the foot of my bed to look me straight in the face. "I was just wondering if . . . if . . ."

I knew she wouldn't finish her sentence without a little bit of prodding. "Yes?"

"Well, Kayla and I are going down to the pond and to the block party today. I think you should come along." Alison said.

I put my pencil down. "I might consider it." I said. "It's just, I don't party."

"You won't have to." Alison said. "Just come and hang out with me, Kayla and Amanda."

I rolled my eyes. A few weeks before Maya's death, Alison and Kayla had started hanging out with an upperclassmen named Amanda. She had brought a lot of comfort to Alison by providing a distraction. The group did a lot of things together. I had met Amanda and I thought she seemed like a nice enough person. But I still didn't know whether I could call her friend or not.

"What do you say?" Alison said. "You wanna come down with us?"

"When?"

"Now?"

"Maybe."

"Okay. Get your stuff." Alison said, excitedly.

"Now wait a minute. I said 'maybe'. That doesn't really mean 'yes'."

"But it doesn't mean 'no' either." Alison argued.

Well, couldn't argue with that logic. Beside, Alison and Kayla only invited me along if they actually remembered I existed. Living in a corner room was a curse. It was out of the way and people never stopped to visit. Not unless if you asked them to. Only Kayla—if she had time and she thought to come my way—and Alison—usually at Kayla's request—would come see me, their lowly and depressive friend.

However, I was just as happy sitting (or—in this case—laying) in my room and doing homework as I was working with a group. Technically, I preferred to work alone. As expertly put by both Maya and Bella, I was a loner.

But what force drove Alison to invite me along was unknown to me. It didn't happen very often but when it did, it never ceased to surprise me.

Sighing, I packed my things (wincing every time I moved at my midsection) and left the room with Fangore trotting at my heels.

We met with Kayla who had already laid out beach towels on the grass for us to lay on. We chose the shade of a big beech tree to protect us from the blistering heat of the sun. Kayla lay on her belly and read her book while Alison took a nap. I lay and did my homework while listening to the wind over the water. Just as I finished with my notes. A thought occurred to me.

Getting up, I stripped off my shoes and socks, rolled up the legs of my trousers, and marched over to the pond. Sticking my feet in the water, I shuddered due to the cold that seeped into my bones. Before I knew what I was doing, I took a deep breath and dove in.