Chapter 10

Jane held Maura in her arms, feeling the warmth radiating from her body and listening to the air go in and out of her lungs. This was enough for Jane. Why wasn't it enough for Maura?

She hadn't been the same since finding out her fellow Flight 528 passengers were dead. It was like the spark had just gone out of her. Jane kept catching her looking around on the internet, trying to find as much information as she could on the deceased passengers. Jane finally saw a picture of Lauren, the wholesome-faced teen who dreamed of singing on Broadway.

She didn't seem angry with Jane, or with anyone else, for keeping the truth from her for so long. Jane thought it would almost have been better if she had gotten angry. They could have a big fight; Maura could list all the reasons why she should have been clued in from the beginning; Jane could be stubborn and insist she'd done the right thing, then cave and apologize; Maura could forgive her, as she always did, and then they could move on with their lives. Instead, Maura seemed to quietly accept that anyone would want to keep a truth this horrible from someone they loved. She showed no anger; only deep despair. She had fallen into an even deeper depression than the one she had experienced after donating her kidney to Cailin.

"You don't need to feel bad about surviving, Maura," Angela said while dropping off some groceries one day. "You lived for a reason. I think God saved you for a special purpose."

Maura looked up, her face drawn. "What would that purpose be?"

"Well to finally be with Jane, for one."

Maura reached for Jane's hand, which Jane readily offered. "I'm glad I have the chance to be with Jane," she said quietly. "But all those other people had loved ones who needed them to come home just as much as Jane needed me." Her voice was raw with pain.

"I bet there's something important you're meant to do," said Angela. "You were chosen to survive out of all those people! That means you must have unfinished business."

Maura just looked at her. "I'm in pain all the time," she pointed out. "My body doesn't work like it used to. I'm learning how to live with this. I don't have time to find some important mission to complete."

"Maybe not yet, but someday!"

"Ma," Jane said gently. "I know you want to help, but it's an awful burden to place on someone who's already going through so much. Just getting herself a glass of water is a big production right now, and you want her to become some savior of the world?"

"I just don't want her to feel bad about being here," Angela said softly.

"I don't either, Ma. But it's enough for me that she's here. I don't need her to do anything remarkable. I just need her to live."

~R&I~

"Your mother is wrong," Maura said hours later, as she lay in Jane's arms on the couch. "I don't even deserve to be alive."

"I don't know anyone who deserves to be alive more than you."

Maura looked up at Jane. "I was crying over shoes, and nobody else even got away with their lives."

"Maura, you didn't know. And you agreed that it wasn't really about the shoes."

"It was partly about the shoes. Lauren's dad lost his only child, and I was sad I couldn't wear stilettos anymore."

"You're allowed to have normal human emotions."

"It's just not fair. Those other people deserved to live just as much as I did. I'm not special."

"You are to me," Jane said, holding her tighter. "If I could have picked one person to survive on that plane, you know it would have been you. When I found out that just one survivor had been pulled from the wreckage, I prayed so hard that it would be you, and it was."

"If I hadn't switched seats with Lauren, she might have been the one survivor."

"And then she'd be trying to cope with survivor's guilt at just 14."

"She had her whole life ahead of her."

"So what, you think you should have been mean and refused to let a kid who'd never flown before have the window seat?"

"There was a time when I was so rigid about rules that I would have refused to move from my assigned seat even if I wanted to and believed it would benefit the other person. I wish that side of me had won out that day."

"But you don't even know if it would have made a difference." Jane bit her lip. "When you first came to, you kept talking about seeing Frost on the plane."

"It was a dream."

"Yeah, but what if it wasn't? How could you have a dream in which he used a phrase you didn't know the meaning of, in a way that made perfect sense?"

"You think he was really there?"

"I think it's possible! What if his spirit was actually there, just to save you? What if he really was trying to do me a solid by keeping the woman I loved alive?"

"Even if he could do that, why would he only save me? Why not Lauren or any of the other passengers?"

"Maybe he only had the power to save one person."

"Then why wouldn't he have saved someone else? There was a baby on that plane."

"A baby who was there with her parents. They all died together instead of the baby being orphaned. So they're still together, you see? All the families on that plane are. It might seem sad to us, but from a dead person's point of view, it probably doesn't seem so bad when whole families die together."

"He could have saved Lauren. She was all alone. Her parents have to live without her now!"

"He didn't know Lauren. You were the only person he would have known, and if he was doing me a solid, that means he wanted to do something nice for me, maybe to thank me for being his friend or whatever. The only way he could do that was by saving you."

Maura closed her eyes, resting her head on Jane's chest. "I don't really believe in that sort of thing."

"It's just a possibility. I'm not saying that's what happened, but…you can't prove it didn't."

~R&I~

Jane tried to take care of Maura, but caring for her physically, she now realized, had been the easy part. All she needed was to know what Maura needed and how to give it to her, and she gladly did so. Caring for her emotionally was less clear-cut. She had wounds now that no doctor could stich up, breaks no surgeon could put together with plates and screws.

Often Jane would run Maura a bubble bath and would read to her while she soaked, similarly to how she'd read to her when she was in a coma. Maura couldn't seem to focus on books right now, but she did seem to listen to Jane's voice, at least a little. Sometimes they would make frenzied love as if Maura was desperate for her body to be so filled with sensations that her mind couldn't work anymore, but afterwards, they would be no tender kisses and smiles. Maura would just lay her head on Jane and close her eyes, looking ashamed, as if she had just taken something she wasn't entitled to.

Jane also noticed that Maura's physical therapy wasn't going as well as it had been. She seemed to be losing ground, fumbling to do things that she had mastered before. It was like her heart just wasn't in it.

"Do you still have the quad cane at home?" Marci, her therapist, asked one day while Jane was preparing to take Maura home.

"Yes, we have it in the closet," Jane said. "Why?"

"She just doesn't seem to be balancing as well," Marci said. "I'm not sure she's ready for the single-point cane after all."

"But she was walking okay on it before," Jane said, looking at Maura in concern. The blonde just kept her head down, leaning on the cane she'd brought, the simpler one she'd graduated to.

"She was," Marci admitted. "But for whatever reason, she's not now. She almost fell several times during her exercises, and she really can't afford to have a bad fall. I think she just needs more support right now."

"I can get the quad cane back out," Jane promised. She placed one hand on Maura's back and lightly held her upper arm while walking her to the car, suddenly terrified she would fall with the use of her inadequate cane. She helped her into the car and then went around to the driver's seat.

"Maura," she said gently as she drove away from the clinic, "why are you going backwards in your therapy?"

She glanced at Maura and saw her looking down, a tear sliding down her cheek. "I'm trying," she said, her voice brittle. "But it just doesn't feel as important anymore. I'm the only one from the plane who's alive at all. Why does it matter if I can walk?"

"It matters because you are alive, and you deserve to live your life to the fullest."

Maura just continued to look down, a small sniffle escaping.

Jane sighed. "Maura, if I had been on a plane that crashed, and you heard on the news that only one survivor had been found, would you hope that survivor was some kid you don't know?"

"Of course not," said Maura, her voice trembling. "I would hope it was you."

"So you can't blame me for hoping that about you, or for being glad that it was you."

"I don't. But if you were the only survivor, how would you feel?"

Jane was quiet for a minute. "I'd feel horrible. I would feel like there were other people who deserved to live more than I did."

"So each of us understands how the other feels."

"I guess we do." Jane was quiet for a minute. "But, isn't it enough for you to know that you can be with me now? I don't think I could live without you. So, in a way, you surviving means me surviving. So, doesn't that make it worthwhile, that you lived? Can't you at least just be here for me?"

"I'm trying," Maura whispered. "But I'm just so sad."

She began sobbing then, and Jane pulled the car over to take her in her arms, as best she could given the awkward positioning they were in.

"It's okay," Jane said softly, stroking Maura's hair. "It's okay to be sad."

~R&I~

Jane thought a trip to the morgue might cheer Maura up. Maybe seeing her old office would remind her what she was working towards, would motivate her to get back to her old life as soon as she possibly could. She knew her temporary fill-in was Dr. Crosby, whom Maura liked, but still, he was bound to have moved some things around. He might have even sat in Maura's chair! That should light a fire under her for her next physical therapy session.

Maura got onto the elevator with her quad cane, Jane at her side. They rode down to the basement, and Maura made her slow way to her office.

"It looks just the same as I left it," Maura said, carefully walking around.

"Dr. Crosby hasn't really been using the office," Susie said, coming in behind them. "He does most of his computer work in the autopsy room."

Jane looked around wistfully, thinking of all the chats she and Maura had had in this very room. When they went back to work, she'd be able to tell everyone upstairs that she was going to go down and see her wife, instead of pretending to be checking on the autopsies. She smiled at the thought of it.

"How has everything been with Dr. Crosby?" Maura asked.

"Everything's running pretty smoothly," Susie assured her. "We miss you, of course. Everyone knows you're the best. But Dr. Crosby is doing just fine." She glanced around before whispering, "He's so much better than Pike!"

That got a smile out of Maura. "I was relieved when Dr. Pike finally retired," she agreed. Then she looked through the window into the autopsy room and froze.

Dr. Crosby was in the midst of an autopsy as they spoke. The body of either a teenage girl or young woman was on the table as he carefully removed and weighed organs. Maura stared, transfixed, with a growing horror spreading across her features.

"Maura, maybe you shouldn't watch right now," Jane suggested gently.

Maura turned to her, eyes shining with unshed tears. "I don't think I can come back," she said hoarsely.

"Maura, don't be silly."

Maura shook her head. "How can I look at dead bodies and not think of the bodies that surrounded me after that crash? I was so worried I wouldn't be capable of doing autopsies if my coordination doesn't improve, but maybe I don't even want to anymore!"

"Maura…let's go upstairs, okay? This is no time to be making a decision about your career. Let's go say hi to everyone upstairs and then head home."

"I was supposed to be a dead body too," Maura said quietly.

"No," Jane insisted. "You're not. I need you to be alive." She pulled Maura into a tight hug, holding back her own tears as she felt Maura's wet her shoulder. "Come on, let's get out of here. This was a mistake. You don't belong in a morgue."

~R&I~

The visit upstairs cheered Maura just a little, especially when they found all the "congratulations on your wedding" cards and gifts people had left on Jane's desk. There were even a pair of white teddy bears, both wearing veils. Korsak dug up an empty box for Jane to put everything in, and then they rode the elevator back downstairs.

Jane would have been holding Maura's arm on the way out if she hadn't had the box.

Maura was just about to start down the concrete steps to the sidewalk when she lost her balance and fell, down the steps and onto the sidewalk below, landing on her left side.

"Maura!" Jane screamed, dropping the box and running down the steps. "Maura, baby, are you okay? Are you hurt?"

Wincing, Maura tried to sit up, and Jane quickly encircled her with her arms, lifting her gently to a sitting position. Maura seemed to be struggling to draw in breath. "My lung," she gasped.

"Is it the same lung you punctured?"

Maura nodded.

"It's probably collapsed again." Jane slid an arm under Maura's knees and stood, lifting her in her arms. "I'll take you to the ER."

The ER doctor confirmed that Maura's lung had collapsed again, just as badly as before, so she had to be re-admitted to the hospital and have another tube stuck into her chest.

"I thought she was out of the woods," Jane said to the doctor, her voice breaking, as they stood outside Maura's hospital room. Maura had been given painkillers and appeared to be sleeping, but Jane didn't know if she really was or if she was just trying to shut the world out.

"It's very lucky she didn't rebreak any bones," the doctor said. "I find it worrying that she lost her balance even while using a quad cane."

"I should have been holding onto her," said Jane.

"You can't always be there to hold onto her, so I think she needs to use a full walker for now, until her balance improves."

"But she already went from a walker to a quad cane to a regular cane," Jane pointed out. "Then she went back to a quad cane, and now she needs to go back to a walker? She was doing so well until she found out about all the other passengers on the plane. Now she doesn't seem to care anymore. She keeps saying she should have died too."

The doctor looked at her seriously. "Do you think she could be having thoughts of suicide?"

Jane shuddered, looked back towards Maura again. She was curled on her right side, looking miserable even with her eyes closed. She never looked peaceful anymore.

"I don't know," she admitted. "I…I hope not. I mean she's a doctor, so if she decided to do it, she'd know how to make sure she was successful."

"I'll order a psych evaluation just to be safe," the doctor said. "It's not unusual for people experiencing survivor's guilt to attempt suicide."

Jane frowned as she struggled to hold back tears. "I couldn't handle it if she did. She deserves life and happiness more than anyone I know. I can't let her…I can't let her fall apart like this."

The doctor gave her what she knew was meant to be a reassuring smile. "You're not alone in this. We have an excellent psych department that can help her through this."

But I don't want her to need a psych department, Jane thought, but all she did was nod. As upsetting as today's physical setback was, the emotional setback was far worse. This was the woman who had fought her way back from a coma and spent weeks smiling through the pain, just happy to be alive and with the woman she loved. That enormous will to live and to get better that had gotten Maura through so much for so long just didn't seem to be there anymore.

~R&I~

"I'm sorry, Jane," Maura said as Jane prepared to settle in for a night in the hospital. Being back here was harder than before, now that they had spent weeks snuggled comfortably in their warm king bed at home, but Jane was resigned to the situation. Hopefully, it would only be for a few nights this time.

"Hey, it's not your fault you fell," Jane said, situating an ice pack on Maura's elevated ankle. She had twisted her good ankle, but fortunately the right one had been safe inside its protective boot.

"No, but I know you want me to get better. And I know you'd rather be at home."

"It's just a small setback," Jane promised, pulling the blankets up over Maura.

"I'm just so tired," Maura said. "I'm so tired of working so hard just to get through the day." She closed her eyes. "But it's horrible for me to say that when I'm the only one who got out of that crash with my life."

"It's not horrible." Jane took Maura's hand and squeezed it. "Anyone would be tired."

"Sometimes I don't know if I can keep pushing myself to go forwards. I don't have the energy anymore."

Jane tightened her grip on Maura's hand. "Sweetie, you wouldn't…you wouldn't do anything to hurt yourself, would you? Because, it scares me when you say you should be dead too and things like that."

Maura opened her eyes, but her face crumpled and tears began to fall. "No," she whispered. "I wouldn't do that to you."

"That's good, because it would completely destroy me," Jane said, her voice shaking. "But you shouldn't just live for me. You have so, so much to live for, all by yourself."

Maura just looked at her, tears continuing to fall. "I used to," she said. "Now all I have is you. I don't know who I am anymore, besides your wife. I can't do the things I used to do. I feel like maybe it would have been for the best if I had died with everyone else, but…then you would be devastated. And I love you too much to want that to happen."

"You might feel like you don't know who you are right now, but I promise, if you keep working to get better, you'll find your footing. Maybe going back to the medical examiner's office isn't what's right for you, but you'll find something. I know your life will be meaningful again."

"I hope so," Maura said weakly, looking up at the ceiling. "But it just feels like I've been climbing up a mountain, and every time I start to see the top, I slip and fall and I have to start climbing again. And it's wearing me down. I've been fighting with everything I had, and now I don't have anything left. I can't climb anymore. I don't have it in me."

"Then I'll carry you," Jane promised, pressing a firm kiss to her wife's forehead.

She waited for Maura to drift off, and then she sank to her knees by the bed, whispering the Hail Mary and finally letting her own tears fall.

"I know I asked you to bring her back to me before," she prayed, "and you did. But I need to ask you that again, because she's gone far away from me again, and I need my Maura back. I need her to come out of her depression and live her life again. It's not fair for her to live through something like this and not be able to enjoy her life. She needs her fight back. We both need to move forwards. Please help her figure out how to do that, please."

She knelt for some time in silence before finally squeezing into bed beside Maura, utterly exhausted.