Jude woke up that next morning to a mop of light brown hair tickling his nose and chin. Now this wasn't particularly surprising to him; Jude fully expected to wake up in bed with someone else. No, what was the most surprising thing was that he was actually in his room, and more curiously, the only pain he felt was that which came from his hangover, and on top of all that, he was fully clothed. Finally Jude looked down, trying to figure out the identity of the boy in bed with him, feeling the shockwaves rippling through his body as he realized who it was.
Connor. Connor was in his bed, cuddled up into his side. Connor was in his bed, their legs tangled together. Connor was in his fucking bed! He searched his memory, trying to remember some detail, anything that would tell him just why Connor was in his bed, snuggled into him. But the alcohol was clouding his memory, and there were only flashes that came back to him. After seeing how hurt Connor was, Jude had gone to find a party and drank and drank, the only things he could remember being the "bartender" taking his phone and Connor showing up at the party, but other than that, Jude couldn't remember anything else.
"Connor?" Jude said softly, bringing his hand up and gently ruffling Connor's hair. It was the least awkward gesture Jude could think of; Connor was pressed in too closely to him to be shaken awake, and any kind of kiss, well obviously that was definitely out of the question. Connor groaned in response, burrowing his head deeper into the crook of Jude's neck.
"What time is it?" Connor mumbled, his warm breath washing over Jude's neck and his morning stubble lightly poking at Jude's skin.
"I don't know, I haven't looked at my phone yet," Jude replied. "But it's Sunday anyway, why does it matter?"
"S'cause I need to know whether you woke me up too early," Connor explained, his face still firmly pressed up again Jude, muffling his words. Jude found Connor's behavior fully puzzling; he was acting like waking up with his arms around Jude was something normal, to be expected. Jude didn't understand why, and at this point, he didn't want to understand, but rather just enjoy this moment, this feeling, because Jude was sure it wouldn't last past this morning.
"It's probably at least noon, I mean I think I was out late last night so I wouldn't even wake up much before then," Jude answered, still gently running his hand through Connor's thick, soft hair.
"You weren't out as late as you might think," Connor countered, finally pulling his head back and wiggling around and adjusting his body so that his head was on the pillow, facing Jude, eyes still closed. Connor giggled as Jude exhaled onto his face. "You have really awful morning breath Jude!"
"Well no one ever said you had to move your face this close," Jude retorted, giggling along with Connor.
"Whatever," Connor muttered, his eyes slowly fluttering open, blinking rapidly as his eyelids washed away the sleep from his eyes and Jude came into focus. "So you feeling okay this morning?" Connor continued, his face screwing into an expression of concern.
"Same as any morning when I have a hangover," Jude whispered, grimacing slightly as Connor's voice grew louder, causing the throbbing in his head to intensify. "So about as good as I can feel."
"You want me to get you something?" Connor asked, quickly bringing his voice down.
"No Connor, I'm alright for now," Jude lied. He honestly would've loved to take a few painkillers for his headache, but he didn't want Connor to get out of his bed, because that would be the end of—whatever this was. "Hey Connor, I just want you to know that I'm really—"
"Jude, if you're going to apologize about what you said yesterday, you don't need to. You did about a thousand times last night after I found you at that party," Connor said, cutting Jude off firmly.
"Really? Cause I don't remember—"
"No, I can't imagine you would," Connor chuckled softly. "You were just totally wasted by the time I got there."
"Well thanks for coming to find me," Jude said quietly, looking deeply into Connor's eyes. "Especially since you had no reason to—"
"Jude, stop talking about that, I'm over it, okay?" Connor said, interrupting Jude again by placing a finger on his lips. "And you're welcome."
"Can I at least apologize for doing something so stupid as going and getting drunk by myself?" Jude asked when Connor moved his hand from his lips, putting it back around Jude.
"Hmm, I don't think you apologized for that last night," Connor answered, scratching his chin thoughtfully. "So I guess if you want to."
"I'm really sorry for going off and getting drunk alone. It was dangerous and I promise I won't do it again," Jude said sincerely.
"You're damn right it was dangerous," Connor told him sternly, concern contorting his face. "You're so fucking lucky that bartender guy was looking out for you Jude," he continued, his tone softer but still full of worry.
"I know," Jude admitted, glancing down and trying to avoid meeting Connor's eyes.
"I just don't want you to get hurt," Connor said faintly, using his arms that were already around Jude to pull him closely, squeezing Jude tightly to his chest.
"Thanks for being there for me after what I did to you," Jude whispered inaudibly so that Connor didn't hear his extra apology, resting his head on Connor's as they lay there, hugging each other tightly for a long time. Jude didn't move; he certainly didn't want to move. He wanted to stay like this forever, even though he was sure that could never happen. Connor was just being there for him, as nothing more than his best friend.
Finally Connor had to get up; he had some baseball team function that afternoon that he had to attend. Reluctantly, Jude pried his arms away from their place around Connor's torso and disentangled his legs, but stayed lying in the bed alone. Jude felt as if Connor's arms lingered for a second after Jude removed his, but Jude brushed it off, attributing it to his imagination.
This is bad, Jude thought as Connor climbed out of bed, getting around to leave. Connor was getting comfortable enough with him as a friend to sleep in bed with him, to cuddle with him, when for Connor, Jude was pretty sure it was nothing more than platonic. It was a dangerous game for Jude to be playing, mixing his romantic feelings with Connor's platonic ones, but he knew that when push came to shove, he would never be able to stop himself.
"See you later Jude!" Connor cheerily called out from the doorway of their shared bedroom.
"Bye Connor," Jude mumbled, lazily throwing up his hand and waving, before turning over and roughly shoving his face into his pillow. He was too hung over to be dealing with these feelings, so he closed his eyes, letting himself drift off to sleep again.
Connor shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts on the walk over to the athletic complex. What happened this morning was totally over the line of simply being Jude's best friend, but when he was half-asleep, feeling the warmth of Jude against his body, it just felt perfect and Connor couldn't bring himself to pull away from Jude until he had to. Now Connor found himself caught in a difficult place; he couldn't voice his feelings to Jude, couldn't even say he was gay yet, and still he needed more of Jude. To be able to cuddle and hold his hand and do all that couple-y stuff, but that wasn't fair to Jude, it could never be fair to him. And yet, maybe Connor had an out, because maybe, if Jude confronted him, he could get away with pretending that he was doing all of that stuff platonically. Jude was his best friend after all…
Connor wandered into the baseball team's weight room for their afternoon workouts, glancing around the room and hoping he wouldn't see Josh there. Much to Connor's chagrin, Josh was already there, sitting smugly on a chair, watching as the team filed in. Josh spotted him, his expression immediately softening as he hopped up, hobbling over to where Connor was.
"Hey, how you doing buddy?" Josh asked him gently.
"I'm fine, no thanks to you," Connor spat. "And so is Jude, glad to see that you're also concerned about him, you know, since thanks to you last night he went out and got wasted," Connor continued sarcastically.
"Why would you even be worried about him?" Josh replied, his voice still fairly soft, but with tones of hostility seeping in. "I mean, he was the one who spilled your secret. I would think he was drinking because of you, not me."
"That doesn't suddenly make me want to stop being friends with him," Connor retorted. "He made a mistake by telling you, and yes, I walked away, but that doesn't make it my fault that he got drunk last night."
"Okay so fine, that wasn't your fault, but he told me that you were questioning your sexuality. Doesn't that make you upset, I mean that shit's really personal Connor," Josh countered sharply, and Connor could swear that there was a mischievous hint to words and tone.
"Look Josh, if you could stay away from both me and Jude, I would really appreciate it. Don't think I don't see what you're trying to do!" Connor shouted at him.
"What, looking out for the guy that I'm sure you're going to hurt? Guilty as charged, I mean it's absolutely terrible that I want to help him out, be on his side," Josh quipped.
"I'm not going to hurt him!" Connor protested angrily, grabbing Josh's shirt threateningly and screaming at him. "You're just trying to drive us apart so you can swoop in and get with Jude! If anyone is going to hurt him, it's you so don't give me that bullshit!"
"Stevens! Johnson! What the hell is going on with you two?" their coach bellowed from across the gym. Connor immediately released Josh, taking a few steps back. "Well? Start talking!"
"It was nothing," Connor muttered, glaring at Josh.
"Yeah, it was nothing Coach. Just getting in Stevens' face, pumping him up for workouts," Josh agreed with a smirk.
"That's right, there better be nothing going on between you two," Coach warned sternly, motioning for the two of them to follow him and join the team to start workouts.
"Oh my god, workouts were fucking terrible," Connor sighed, walking into the room and flopping down on the couch next to Jude, leaning up against him (much to Jude's surprise).
"T-they can't have been that bad," Jude stuttered, muting the TV and turning his head to face Connor, struggling to comprehend just what Connor was doing.
"Okay, so the workouts themselves weren't that bad, it was that guy Josh," Connor conceded, continuing on as if nothing unusual was happening.
"Oh," Jude replied quietly, suddenly forgetting that Connor was leaning up against him. This Josh guy was just not going to go away, was he? "God, I wished I would've just followed my instinct and ignored him."
"It's not your fault Jude, you had no way of knowing he was going to be such a fuckboy," Connor comforted him.
"But now you have an enemy on your team because of me and it's not even the second day of team activities," Jude responded.
"I can take him easy, no worries Jude," Connor assured, leaning his head over onto Jude's shoulder. Jude had to stop himself from breathing in sharply, completely taken aback by Connor's actions. He had no reason to think Connor's affection would continue after that morning, but here Connor was, cuddling with him on the couch. And just like that morning, it was a bad idea to go along, but Jude did anyway.
Jude didn't make any move away from him, and didn't seem to be too unnerved by what he was doing other than a little stutter at first, so Connor took that as a good sign, snaking his arms around Jude's midsection and snuggling with him until they both went to bed.
"Jude! Get up, we're going to be late!" Connor yelled running into their bedroom the next morning and violently shaking Jude awake.
"What?" Jude replied weakly, his eyes open but his words still heavy with sleep. Connor grabbed his hand, yanking him out bed.
"Jude, we're going to be late to class!" Connor reiterated, and that was enough to snap Jude out of his groggy state, and he rapidly began rushing around the room, tossing on his clothes and throwing his backpack over his shoulder, running out of the room behind Connor.
"Does my hair look okay?" Jude asked, frantically running his hands through it as they hurried across campus.
"Yeah Jude, it looks good, like always," Connor said laughing, reaching over and grabbing Jude's hand. Had Jude's mind not been in a state of disarray on account of waking up late, he might have hesitated at the gesture, but this morning, he barely noticed, quickly entwining his fingers with Connor's as they continued to walk.
It wasn't until he reached his class, sprinting into the lecture hall and plopping down into a seat in the back, that Jude finally registered what had happened on the walk over. Jude didn't understand what Connor was doing, but there was no doubt that it was putting him in the difficult position of getting his hopes up that there might be something more between them. He shouldn't let Connor keep doing this without at least knowing his intentions. There was always a chance that if he brought it up, Connor would stop but he had to know if—
"Hey Jude," Josh whispered maliciously as he sat down next to him, breaking Jude's chain of thought.
"Oh my God, don't you know how to take a fucking hint?!" Jude replied harshly, his voice was louder and his tone was more hostile than he intended for them to be, but Josh was just pissing him off; he had made himself clear that he didn't want Josh around him.
"Wow, nice to see you too Jude," Josh replied, sounding hurt.
"Don't give me that bullshit Josh," Jude replied angrily, his contempt for Josh boiling over. "I thought I made myself very clear that I'm not interested in you first of all, and if for some reason you have this delusion that we might be friends, let me tell you it's not going to happen. After what you said about Connor, and what you said to him, I don't have any reason to like you, so would you be a dear and kindly fuck off?"
"So first Connor, now you? I'm just trying to help you both and suddenly I'm the bad guy," Josh sighed.
"If you were really trying to 'help' us you, would keep your mouth shut and stay away! We're doing just fine without you meddling in our business," Jude shouted. Who was Josh to think that he knew what was going on with them? Okay, so things between them definitely weren't "fine," but he didn't need Josh to stick his nose in and try to "fix" things (as if Josh actually wanted to fix anything).
"Okay, fine, whatever. Your wish is my command," Josh answered sarcastically, standing up and finding a different seat. Jude hated getting that angry, but it seemed from his previous encounter that rage was the only thing that Josh really understood. But his words had at least convinced Jude that he needed to confront Connor about what he was doing. Jude took a deep breath, directing his focus to the lecture in front of him; after class they would talk.
"So how was class?" Connor asked, strolling into the room and stretching out on the couch as Jude worked at his desk.
"Fine," Jude replied curtly.
"Nice try, but I'm not buying it," Connor retorted. "Spill."
"It's that douche Josh, okay? He's in that class and he sat down next to me and was trying to be all friendly and shit and I lost my temper," Jude explained. "I yelled at him and now I regret it. I hate yelling."
"Well he deserved it," Connor commented casually.
"I know he did, but that doesn't make me feel any better," Jude sighed.
"Well maybe a hug will make you feel better," Connor suggested, stretching his arms out and motioning for Jude join him on the couch.
"Connor, what's going on?" Jude inquired cautiously. This was just another thing to add onto Connor's continuing strange behavior, and Jude's curiosity had finally got the better of him. He had to know why.
"What do you mean?" Connor answered quietly, slowly sitting up on the couch and slumping over, keeping his eyes focused on his hands.
"What have you been doing these past two days? I mean sleeping in my bed with me? Cuddling on the couch? Holding my hand on the way to class? And now that? I just don't understand where all of this is coming from Connor," Jude spelled out.
"I-I mean, there's nothing that says that best friends can't be affectionate," Connor stuttered softly. "And you're the one who asked me to sleep in bed with you."
"I did? Wait, never mind that's not the point. I suppose it's true that friends can be affectionate without any other meaning," Jude admitted. "But it's just—sometimes it's hard to see it that way, not necessarily because I have any romantic feelings for you, but because—well I don't know exactly but…"
"It's okay Jude, I get it," Connor replied coldly. "I'm sorry. I have to go to class now." Without another word or even a look in Jude's direction, Connor got up and walked out of the room. Connor's sudden change in tone worried Jude; he should've never mentioned anything about his romantic feelings. He tried to be as ambiguous about it as possible, but Connor's reaction made Jude almost certain that Connor took it the wrong way. Jude rested his head on his desk. Couldn't they just have one interaction that didn't turn into an utter disaster?
So Jude didn't have any romantic feelings for him. Connor felt he should've been better prepared for this moment, but he wasn't. His heart was shattered in a million pieces, and it was all he could do to make it out of the room without letting any tears fall, but now that he was out of Jude's sight, they came in buckets. Maybe it was better if he started distancing himself from Jude now. It was going to hurt, to lose his best friend, but it was the only way Connor could ever get over Jude.
The next few days just confirmed Jude's worries. Connor was more distant from him than Jude remembered he had ever been before. It wasn't even like when Connor had been avoiding him; Connor was around just as much as before, but he didn't talk to Jude like he used to. Jude wasn't getting anything more than a "good morning" when he got up, "how was your day?" when he got back to the room at night, and "good night" before they went to bed. There wasn't any true conversation between them, and Jude felt empty without Connor being a real part of his day. Somehow he had to fix this.
"Hey Jude, how was your day?" Connor asked cordially as he entered the room after classes, already halfway to their bedroom by the time he finished speaking.
"Good. Hey Connor wait!" Jude said quickly, leaping up from his desk chair and chasing after him.
"What is it Jude?" Connor questioned, his tone flat and lacking any emotion.
"Connor, please just talk to me. I can't do this, you being so far away from me even though you're right here," Jude replied, desperation coloring every word that tumbled from his mouth.
"I—look Jude, I just can't really be your friend if you keep questioning everything I do," Connor explained. "I thought you said you understood if there were things I couldn't talk about, and yet you keep pushing me, asking why this or why that. It makes me feel like you didn't mean what you said."
"I did mean it! But what you were doing, don't you think I deserved an explanation for that? I mean fuck, Connor, that stuff was really intimate, and I just wanted to know why," Jude told him. "Especially since I know you're questioning your sexuality. I don't need you experimenting with me! I've been down that road with other guys before and it really hurts, whether those guys ever meant to hurt me or not."
"I'm not experimenting on you Jude! I already know I'm gay!"