Stephenie Meyer owns the characters. Song is owned by Skillet and the name is "Rebirthing"
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Chapter 9 – Rebirthing
Bella's POV
We drove around the reserve and Jacob showed out a lot of animals. My mind was with Edward of course. He still has a long, long way to go. I know exactly what he was referring to and it blew my mind. I didn't even hear half the things Jacob said because I was thinking about Edward. I know I have a long way to go; not just about letting Edward go, which I think is impossible, but I also have a fucked up heart, body, soul and mind to heal and just like letting Edward go would be impossible, this feels the same way.
"Bella," Jacob sighed. I turned my head his way and realized for the first time that we've stopped. "You haven't heard a word that I have said." He accused.
"I'm sorry Jacob." I sighed.
"C'mon, we're here." He said and jumped out of the cruiser and ran around to get the door for me. "Just so you know I have to take you on another game drive because you haven't paid attention to anything I showed you." He said while helping me out of the cruiser. He led me to riverside scene where there were lanterns burning everywhere; this must be a regular spot from what I see.
Jacob left me next to the river and ran back to the cruiser. I felt awful for ruining the evening so far. Jacob obviously went through a lot of trouble and I'm ruining it by thinking about Edward. My heart fluttered just by the thought of his name. I never stopped loving him and I don't think I ever will. Edward is a one-and-only-time thing, not in a bad way; my one and only love, my one and only soul mate, the one and only man that ever made love to me. These are the kind of one and only's I'm talking about.
Jacob brought a picnic basket with him and spread a blanket on the grass. He offered me a beer and I accepted.
"So Bella, where are you from?" he asked and I frowned. I'm not in the mood for a game of twenty questions but I already feel bad for ruining the game drive so I answered him.
"Forks and Seattle, why?"
"Just curious. Forks hey? I grew up there, well La Push actually…how come I never saw you there?" he asked.
"I moved there in 2004 after growing up in Seattle." I said without mentioning Mike.
"Figures, I moved to Seattle in 2004 after I met Jaz and Edward. Edward has bought this place a year later and I decided to move here and help him with the business." He grinned while sipping his beer.
"I hate Forks; a piece of me died every second I had to live in that place." I said staring in front of me at nothing.
"Why? I mean it's small sure, but hate? That's such a strong word Bella…"
"I know what hate is Jacob. I hate Forks." I said without emotion.
"Who fucked you up?" he asked. I just shook my head.
"I don't wanna talk about it." I slowly turned my head to his side and looked at him. He will never be more than a friend. I think he's a good man but not my man.
"I didn't mean to pry, I'm sorry." He said sincerely. I didn't answer him and the flowing river was the only sound between us. I finished my beer and Jacob took the bottle and placed another beer in my hands.
"Jacob, I really appreciate what you've done tonight and everything but-"
"You wanna go home." He finished for me. I opened my mouth to ask him how he knew and he chuckled. "I sensed it Bella, your head is not here and to be honest with you, it's kind of freaky to see you like this. You are so out of it." He whispered. "I really like you Bella and I want to get to know you better. Maybe we can set up another date or something…just as friends." He chuckled and lifted up his hands when he saw my face.
"Urm…sure. I'm sorry for ruining your night." I apologized while we packed everything up and went back to the cruiser.
The drive home was quicker than when we came. Jacob didn't say anything else and I sensed that he was very disappointed. When he parked the cruiser I stopped him from getting out.
"You don't have to walk me to the door Jake. Thank you for everything and once again, I'm sorry." I said and pecked him on his cheek before I climbed out and walked to the kitchen door. I didn't look back at Jake or waited for him to say something but I have a feeling that I won't go out with him again. I'm not good company at all.
There wasn't a sound in the house which tells me that everyone went to bed…nope, I heard guitar chords and knew Edward was still up. I made my way to the music room but stopped at the entrance of the door and fall back against the wall, sliding down and hugging my knees. I close my eyes listening and taking in every word out of Edward's mouth. His voice is soothing and so warm; it comforts my heart. He sang about three songs without noticing me and when he started singing his next song it brought a smile to my face. He struggled with the chorus, and I knew what was wrong but I enjoyed listening to him trying to figure it out. I started laughing and Edward's head snapped up, meeting my gaze from across the room.
I jumped up and walked across the room. Something was different, I could see it in Edward's eyes but I tried to ignore it. I took a stand behind him and looked at the lyrics. I took the pen out of the pocket of his shirt and started scribbling on his music sheet. He looked at me in amazement and I couldn't help the giggle that escaped my mouth. My eyes widened at the sound; it felt like decades since the last time I giggled.
"What if I sing that part," I whispered and pointed to the lines with the pen. "If we do it like that; the words will flow together. That's why you couldn't get it right; a back-up singer or someone else is supposed to sing that part."
"Where did you learn this Bella?" he asked.
I shrugged my shoulders, "I just had a lot of free time on my hands to figure stuff out Edward." I changed more lines in his lyrics and he crossed his arms. "Let's try it?" I suggested and he nodded. I grabbed the acoustic guitar and Edward readjusted himself behind the keyboard.
I strummed the intro chords and right after that Edward's notes harmonized with my chords and the acoustic melody filled the whole room.
"I lie here paralytic inside this soul…screaming for you 'till my throat is numb. I wanna break out, I need a way out…I don't believe that it's gotta be this way. The worst is…the waiting, in this womb I'm suffocating." He sang and his velvet voice not only harmonized with the melody of our instruments but also with my heart. He is filling my heart with love and comfort.
"Feel your presence, filling up my lungs with oxygen…I take you in…I've died."
"Rebirthing now…I wanna live for love wanna live for you and me-"he sang and I went into the next line.
"Breathe…for the first time now, I come alive somehow"
"Rebirthing now…I wanna live my life wanna give you everything"
"Breathe…for the first time now, I come alive somehow"
"Right now…right now!"
"I lie here lifeless…in this cocoon. Shedding my skin 'cause…I'm ready to. I wanna break out, I found a way out. I don't believe that it's gotta be this way. The worst is, the waiting…in this womb I'm suffocating."
We sang the chorus again but Edward stopped before we could do the bridge. Something's up, I can tell. He does not know how to start the conversation. It bugs me.
"What brought the song on?" I asked to start somewhere. A crooked smile formed on his lips but it didn't reach his eyes.
"I was dead before you and Hayley showed up Bella; it's like I was reborn. You have no idea how whole my heart feels…well almost whole." He explained.
"I understand…I wish I could say the same thing about my heart. I'm happy that we were some kind-"
"No, not some kind…you were it Bella." He interrupted me. I crossed my arms and took a seat next to him on the bench in front of the keyboard.
"What's up?" I asked bluntly. Obviously there's something wrong and I wanted to know what the hell it was.
"Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant before you left?" he whispered with his eyes closed. It felt like the oxygen inside my lungs escaped through one huge hole and I was instantly suffocating. How the hell does he know this?
"How did-"
"Does it matter how? I just wanna know the truth Bella and I wanna hear it out of your mouth." He said. The weird part though is that Edward isn't mad and that bothers me. He is supposed to be pissed right now but he is acting so calmly but his voice is thick with hurt and sadness. So much so that it's like a dagger stab to my heart.
"After I saw you with Tanya, I couldn't face you. I didn't have the guts and was so afraid that you'll reject me. I thought that I was nothing to you Edward and I argued with myself that a baby wouldn't change your feelings. I honestly thought that you wanted Tanya and I wasn't going to stand in your way and hold you back with a baby." I whispered as the warm tears rolled down my cheeks. I felt his body turn to face me and I quickly closed my eyes. He gently took my chin between his thumb and index finger and pulled my face to face him.
"Open your eyes Bella." He whispered and my eyes obeyed him. His emerald green eyes were swimming in tears and a raw sob escaped my throat seeing him like this. "I would have given everything, everything to hear you say you were pregnant, love. In the four months that we were together I have never felt so alive before and I've never felt so much love for someone before Bella. I regret that I failed to show you how much I really loved you and that you were everything to me, everything."
"I'm so…sorry." I sobbed and before I knew what was going on I was wrapped up in his arms. He held me tightly and the both of us cried our hearts out. Another step towards healing. The first time when we talked about what happened seven years ago we argued at first and then talked. This is so different. Now Edward knows about Hayley and it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
"Why aren't you angry?" I asked through tears and heard him chuckle through his tears.
"Angry is an understatement, I was absolutely, furiously livid." He smiled a crooked smile, "But then I came in here and started singing and playing some instruments. It was soothing to say the least. I decided that I would handle this like an adult and not like an idiot teenager. Besides, fighting each other will get us nowhere Bella. It just causes more heartache and I don't know about you, but I have had enough fucking heartache to last me a million years." He chuckled. I felt a smile form on my lips and Edward traced the lines of my lips with his index finger.
"There's the smile that I love so much; the smile that brings sparkles to these chocolate brown eyes and make them come alive. The smile that lights up your whole face." He said and placed a strand of hair behind my ear.
"I was almost three months pregnant when I left you. I was scared shitless but then Mike suggested that I marry him. He promised to take good care of me and the baby. I believed him because I knew Mike since I was five years old and I knew he was in love with me. I moved to Forks with Mike and got married the day after I left you." I explained because I felt calm enough to do it now. Edward always had a way to calm me down.
"He almost killed you and Hayley-"he sounded furious.
"Mike couldn't deal with the fact that I loved you and that I couldn't get over you. I moped around and fell into a deep depression after I left you. My heart was bleeding constantly and…I talk in my sleep. Your name was permanently on my lips during my sleep and I guess it was a constant reminder to Mike that I will never love someone else. Mike started drinking a lot and that's when everything changed. He was jealous off you; because I left my heart with you when I left and because I had a part of you growing inside me. He knew that my daughter had your blood running in her veins and she would be a constant reminder of my love for you." I explained but it sounded like I was trying to cover for Mike, which was not the case. I just think that I can understand where all of his rage and hate came from.
"So he tried to kill you?" he asked in disbelief.
"Yes he did because I loved you too much. Luckily he didn't succeed." I nodded. "When I held Hayley for the first time after I regained consciousness I felt your love and I somehow knew then that you had to have loved me. I lived for Hayley and I will die for her Edward. Hayley saved my life more than once to be honest." I said.
"It's hard to believe that I have a daughter; that I had a daughter all this time and never knew about her existence. I missed almost seven years of her life." He cried softly and it broke my heart. He sniffed a little and wiped a few tears away which were pretty useless as new tears kept rolling down his cheeks. "You know what pisses me off though?" he asked and I shook my head sideways. "Mike was supposed to be her father; he was supposed to show her unconditional love, make her feel safe. Teach her kindness, happiness, tenderness and patience. Instead he showed her hate and made her live in fear, not for her own life but for the life of her mother. He showed her sadness, impatience, harshness and rage. He fucked my daughter's life up because he was jealous of me. He stole her childhood and crushed it underneath his feet because of me." He sobbed loudly now and I couldn't take it anymore. I wrapped my arms around him to give him some comfort but it felt useless to me because I was in desperate need of comfort myself as I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces.
"I want to tell you something Bella." He said and I raised my eyebrow.
"Okay, what is it?" I asked nervously.
"A while back I wished that I could go back in time. And every time that I thought about it, I would see myself standing in front of two roads. One road is leading to you and the other road is leading to my children. I can't have one with the other; I have to have one without the other. And every time that I see myself in front of these two paths, I always pick my children. They were the reason I lived, the reason that I so much as breathed." He whispered and my head fell. I can't blame him; I would do the same for my daughter. She comes first in my life and I would choose her above anything else without a doubt. He lifted my chin once again to face him. "I loved my children don't get me wrong but for the first time I see myself taking the road back to you. And it's not because of Hayley though she is a big part of it. It is because I love you more than anything in this world Bella and the thought of what you went through literally kills me. If I could change that, no matter what the price would be, I would pay it. You mean the world to me Bella and I'm sorry that I ruined your life." He whispered.
"You didn't ruin my life Edward, you are Hayley's father and that's the most perfect gift anyone could have given me." I said. "As for the other things, they were your children and you can't imagine what your life would have been like without them-"
"I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them. My heart was broken over you and they kept my heart beating." He interrupted me.
"I know the feeling." I smiled. "I love you too. I have never stopped loving you but I can't be in a relationship right now. I'm sorry Edward but half the time I don't even know if I'm alive or dead. I don't feel sane and just the thought about a man touching me makes me sick." I said honestly because it was the truth. I'm not ready for a relationship right now; I'll only end up hurting Edward again.
"I understand Bella. Just answer this, is there a chance for us? No matter how small of a chance it is, I need to know if I'm fighting for nothing."
"I want to tell you that there is a chance really I do but honestly I can't. I don't know where I'm headed Edward; It feels like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff. Jumping off the cliff would definitely solve my problems and I'll never feel pain again but there's the one percent part of me that wants to fight with the little strength I have left." I whispered.
"If you jump I'll do everything in my power to catch you Bella. Please, please don't jump." He pleaded while intertwining our hands. "One percent is better than nothing; I'll fight with you Bella. I'll give everything and do anything to help you fight the urge to jump."
"Thank you for loving me Edward and for fighting with me." I turned our hands and kissed the back of his hand. His skin set my lips on fire and made my heart beat out of rhythm.
"What are you we going to tell Hayley?" he asked. "I want her to know that I'm her father and that that monster wasn't." he said the last part through clenched teeth.
"What did you just say Eddie?" both of our heads snapped up and we turned around to see our daughter standing there, eyes widened and mouth open.
"Urm sweetie-"I started saying but she held her tiny hand up to stop me. It was times like this that I wished she would act her age.
Edwards' POV
"Mommy don't lie please. I heard Eddie say that he is my father…is that true?" she asked and tears were starting to form in her eyes. Bella was frozen next to me but I couldn't take it anymore. I jumped off the bench and ran to my daughter. I hated seeing her like this.
"Baby girl you weren't supposed to find out like this. I'm sorry you overheard-"I tried to explain but she interrupted me.
"Eddie, just tell me the truth." She pleaded and the tears burned my eyes. She looked so confused, so fragile and it broke my heart to see her like this.
"Yes I'm your daddy." I simply said. Her chest started heaving before she broke into sobs. I took her into my arms and she wrapped her arms around my neck. "Sweetie please don't cry. It breaks my heart to see you so sad." I pleaded as I felt her body shaking in my arms.
"Why couldn't you have been my daddy from the beginning? Why did I first have a monster for a daddy?" she cried into my neck and a raw sob escaped my throat. How do I answer that question?
"I don't know baby. If it was within my power to go back and change everything Hayley, I would do it." I said and it killed me to feel her body shake in my arms.
"Do you remember when I asked you if you would consider my mommy for a girlfriend?" she still asked into my neck.
"Yeah," I chuckled because it was the first time I had a conversation with Hayley and the first time I felt alive again.
"I remember that you said you didn't want a girlfriend, but every night since that day I would wish that you would change your mind and be my mommy's boyfriend." She said with a trembling voice. "Half of the wish came true though, you are my daddy now." I chuckled at her honesty. She was still sad, I could feel it.
"Hayley I love you more than anything in this world and I promise that I'll protect you with my life. No one will ever hurt you or your mommy ever again."
I was so overwhelmed right now. I confessed my love to Bella which she didn't deny exactly and it gave me hope. And now my daughter knows that I'm her father. I don't know how this will affect Hayley but I plan on being there every step of the way.
My first priority now is my daughter. And I plan on erasing every single bad, brutal memory that that fucker tattooed into my daughters mind. I plan on spending the rest of my life to show Hayley how much I love her and to make her happy. To erase all the fear in her little heart.
"I love you too Ed- I mean daddy." She smiled and hearing her call me daddy makes my heart swell. I'm beyond happy; words can't express the way I'm feeling right now.
"Mommy needs a hug baby girl," I whispered into her ear. I put her back on her feet and she ran to Bella. Bella's arms circled Hayley and she kissed her on her head.
"I love you so much Hayley-baby; there are no words to express my love for you." She said to our daughter and I felt a smile form on my lips.
"I love you too mommy and I'm sorry that I was rude to you." She said. Bella smiled the most gorgeous smile I've ever seen.
"You weren't rude honey; you were confused I think and a little angry and hurt." She said.
"I was. Will you tell me in the morning everything? I'm really-"Hayley yawned "sleepy now"
Bella and I laughed and we took Hayley upstairs and I tucked her into bed with Bella. She was sound asleep before I could give her a goodnight kiss. I left Bella's room after we decided that we would continue our conversation in the morning.
This day held a few surprises for me; first the date with Jake which I completely forgot to ask Bella about. I found out that Hayley was my daughter and Bella told me that she loved me too. I just wish that she would have given our relationship a chance. At least she didn't say no. The best I could do now is hope and believe that Bella won't jump. I know she meant it metaphorically but it's still bothering me. It means to me that she's falling apart.
I'm so relieved now that I had time to calm down before I talked to her about Hayley; if she would have been here after Jasper and I spoke…shit, it would have been bad. I was beyond pissed and it would have just caused another huge fight. I think Hayley also helped me to calm down a lot. Watching the Shrek movie with her was calming indeed. I can't remember the last time I laughed like that. I'm starting to feel positive and I'm excited about the future…a future with my Bella – if I can help her heal.
What do you think about Hayley knowing now? I remember my daughter being six and telling her about her father was not this easy. I just don't think that Bella needs more shit right now.
Oh and to answer some of your questions…Mike is not forgotten. That's all I'm saying…