A/N: Ok this is Emmet and Jasper all rolled into one! Their slots are kind of short so here you go!
*Star you are a god sent and I couldn't do this without you; thank god I have you! Kisses!!!*
Things Emmett and Jasper Cullen Are Not Allowed to do Together
1. Fill condoms with paint and throw them at random people.
2. Blow up condoms with helium and tie them to Bella's truck before the last bell rings.
3. Stuff blown up condoms into Bella's truck cab to go with 2.
4. Stash condoms in Edwards's locker so they fall out in front of everyone.
5. Put a used condom in Bella's trash so Charlie will see it and go ape on Bella and Edward.
(starthevampire)
6. Steal Jake's bike and hang it from the bridge.
7. Dance around right next to the treaty line.
8. Make rude gestures at the pack from the treaty line.
9. Steal Bella's Hannah wig and wear it.
10. Steal Nessie's stuffed animals.
11. Suggest to Alice that she should take Bella shopping for the weekend.
12. While everyone is away, watch chick flicks and start blubbering like idiots.
13. Walk around talking like bimbos saying oh my god and the word like every few seconds.
14. Pretend to be cheerleaders.
15. Picture themselves doing stuff with their girls while Edward is around.
16. Pretend to be bunnies on crack.
17. Invite Bella S. to go sky diving without parachutes. (Foxy: that sounds awesome! If we were vampires of course… Star: I know right!)
18. Go around singing I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves as loud as they possibly can.
19. Try to join the Evil bland Cheerios when they should so join the gummy bears.
20. Try to tempt Bella C. with Newton and make her lose her really good self control.
21. Make bets on whether Mike and Eric will hook up or not.
22. Hang out in La Push and bug the mangy mutts.
21. Dress up as fanged vampires and go around hissing at everyone.
22. Tell Nessie that she was adopted while she is pregnant.
23. Try doing the laundry, they'll get stuck between/in the washer or/the dryer somehow.
24. Have a paintball gun fight, ruining Rose's hair in the process.
25. Ask Bella to join.
26. Convince everyone to be models in their own version of America's top model.
27. Prank-call people in the Cullen household with different accents.
28. When they figure it out ask why.
29. Challenge a bunch of thugs to a fight.
30. Act like mob bosses with stuffed cats and all.
31. Wear sequins and things.
32. Dye Bella's hair Edward's least favorite color.
33. Convince everyone that they are PMSing.
34. Pretended they are princesses from the land of Vampiria just to entertain Nessie.
35. Get everyone in the Cullen clan and have them pretend they are characters from Austin Powers.
36. Convince Mike Newton that condoms are a conspiracy.
37. Give Mike lessons on how to get a girl.
38. Play catch with Bella as the ball.
39. Walk around pretending to be military generals.
40. Kidnap Mike Newton to scare the crap out of him.
41. Stalk Newton in an obvious way so as to scare the crap out of him.
42. Tell Nessie about Jake making out with her mom.
43. Put Playboy in Edward's locker.
44. Put Playboy in Bella's locker.
45. Slip blood to Bella.
46. Give Bella sugar.
47. Get on a little kid's bad side (Who knows what the kid will do to them. lol).
48. Kidnap Bella.
49. Call Edward Eddie boy.
50. Replace all of Edward's CDs with Brittany Spears.
51. Go into Bella's room all the time.
52. Break the television when they get too mad at losing a videogame.
53. Trying to cover it up when they get a scratch on Rose's car.
54. Singing show tunes nonstop.
55. Taping a kick me sign to Mike's back.
56. Taping a Playboy bunny picture to Mike Newton's back.
57. Drawing a bull's eye on Mike's head while he is sleeping.
58. Send Charlie porn.
59. Tell Charlie that Bella and Edward do 'it' all the time.
60. Manipulate people's emotions to get stuff (videogames) for free.
61. Cross-dress and work the corner.
62. Pretend they killed Bella.
63. Convince people that the world is out to get them.
64. Start a food fight in the middle of the cafeteria, and then frame Mike.
65. Get in fights with Bella.
66. Get in a prank war with Bella (They would lose and probably get in trouble).
67. Going
around hugging everyone and telling them they
love them.
68. Play with hover discs in class.
69. Take embarrassing pictures of everyone and posting them online.
70. Convince Edward to eat food; then hold him down and force feed him when he refuses.
71. Laughing maniacally at absolutely nothing and then abruptly stopping and acting like nothing happened.
72. Trying to be evil geniuses when Bella is obviously better than them.
75. Trying to become baby sitters.
76. Trying to get Bella to snort pixie sticks.
77. Manipulating everyone's emotions to make them think they are drunk.
78. Convince Jake to howl at the full moon.
79. Get Bella and Nessie to help them prank everyone they possibly can.
80. Trying to make a bear skin rugs and sale them.
81. Trying to reenact King Kong.
82. Follow Charlie around to see what he does.
83. Hint at Charlie that maybe he should watch Bella more carefully.
84. Tell Charlie maybe Renee left him because he was a cop and she was a well known criminal.
85. Convince Bella to go to therapy.
86. Skip around Bella and Edward's meadow in the sunlight naked.
87. Start acting like twins with the while talking at the same time and doing the same thing at the same time.
88. Mimic people on the street.
89. Dig their own graves in the cemetery.
90. Getting into said graves and then abruptly coming out of the ground like zombies when people walk by.
100. Making fake crime scenes.
101. Put a bathrobe on a pineapple to disprove the observation that pineapples do not wear bathrobes.
102. Have a cowboy standoff.
103. Pretending to kill each other.
104. Make Bella laugh while she is eating lettuce and then making fun of her when she has lettuce in her nose. (Star: Happened to me. It was so funny but painful. Foxy: yeah you told me about that!! I sneezed once but it was Mexican rice. It burned.).
105. Give everyone weird nicknames like Binky.
106. Plan to have their next wedding in space.
107. Get pink diaries.
108. Try to read Bella's diary and then using it to blackmail her.
109. Go to Victoria's Secret and ask for something in their size.
110. Try to fly a plane.
110. Have Bella tell Edward that she does not believe in marriage.
112. Convince all the girls to dress up like guys and all the guys dress up like girls.
113. Shut the power off in the house (Obviously everyone can see anyway. They would just annoy them).
114. Teach Nessie how to climb trees like a squirrel and give her a Squirrel-girl costume.
115. Convince Nessie that she can fly.
116. Try babysitting Nessie's baby.
117. Run from a bathroom screaming bloody murder "The evil cheerios replaced the water with milk!!!!!"
118. Become the town's superheroes.
119. Trying to give anyone the sex-talk, even strangers on the street.
120. Buy a ton of random crap off of eBay.
122. Convince the girls to have a Mud wrestling compotation.
123. Giving obscene puppet shows.
124. Act OCD and throw everything away claiming it's all filthy and that they are Becoming germaphobs.
125. Take Nessie Mattress surfing.
126. Get everybody to switch clothes so that scents are all confused to mess with the pack.
127. Play with Barbie's.
128. Volunteer to go shopping with Alice.
129. Fill every swimming pool in Forks with gravy and mash potatoes; then push people into them.
130. Jump rope with little kids.
131. Try to act black.
132 Get in a fake fight to see how many people they can get on their side.
133. Pretend to be Bella's fairy godmother. (Foxy: imagine Emmett wearing the costume.)
134. Convince everyone to give up something for Lent.
135. Switch language with every other sentence while talking.
136. Or worse every other word.
137. Make up their own language.
138. Play extreme tetherball (They would break It. lol).
139. Run around in circles in the middle of the street.
140. Throw shrimp puffs at strangers.
141. Lick a werewolf on a dare.
142. Manipulate Eric, Tyler, and Mike to make a love triangle between the three of them.
143. Handcuff Lauren to Edward's left wrist and Jessica to his right.
144. Go to a concert and throw Bella's underwear onto the stage.
145. Answer everyone's questions with the word pickle-loaf.
146. Go skinny dipping in the fish tanks at the aquarium.
147. Pretend to be statues in a museum and only move when there is one person looking at them.
148. Memorize a movie and then sit on opposite sides of the theater shouting out obscene questions before the character in the movie says something.
149. Go in a bouncy house at some random birthday party.
150. Hang on the ceiling and jumping down on people.
151. Walk behind people and then when they turn around squirt silly string in their face.
152. Stick caramel apples to their forehead and walk around as if they have no idea.
153. Go around telling everyone about stripper clowns or hire one for Edward bachelor party. (Star: They exist! (Foxy looks at her worried then begins to think. She grabs her laptop and Google's 'stripper clowns'.) Foxy: OMN!! (Oh my noodle) They do exist!!! To see what I found go to my profile!!).
154. Pretend Emmett is having a baby.
155. Yell at people to push the button and when they ask what button look at them like they are crazy.
156. Go around yelling happy button and then pushing people's noses.
157. Have Emmett pretend to be Jasper's kid.
158. Act possessed.
159. Make up theme songs for everyone and then follow them around singing it so as to get it stuck in their heads.
160. Pretend to be demons from the underworld just to scare everyone shitless.
161. Whenever someone walks over to them stop talking abruptly and act suspicious while avoiding eye contact.
162. Try forming a punk/emo band.
163. Convince Bella to take pole dancing lessons for Edward's birthday. (Foxy: It's good for the ass and abs. Star: gapes at Foxy. Foxy: what? I'm almost 20 I'm legal I want to take classes to. Star: ooookkkkk…moving on.)
164. Tell Bella she should get plastic surgery.
165. Dump a bunch of sparkles on people.
166. Tell Nessie that Jake has loved her since before she was born.
167. Tell Nessie that Jake is cheating on her with the neighbors Dalmatian.
168. Tell Jake that he isn't the real father of the baby and Paul is.
169. Convince Nessie that she is a pirate and has to make everyone walk the plank. (Can you see how that would backfire. Lol!!)
170. Hold a séance and summon up the ghost of Edwards real parents.
171. Make a huge pile out of Nessie's stuffed animals and jump into said pile.
172. Kidnap Nessie and bring her to an undisclosed location where she will be pampered but don't tell Jake where she is. (After she has the baby of course.)
175. Dump water over Jake's head and ask why he smells worse rather than better.
176. Tell Nessie she is an Indian princess that was kidnapped from her tribe long ago.
177. Play cops and robbers with Bella, Nessie, and Alice.
178. Play assassin! (That is such a fun game and it would be hilarious the lengths they would go through to get each other.)
179. Play ding dong ditch...at their own house.
180. Drive Nessie to school and pretend to be her gay parents.
181. Throw all of Alice's clothes in the mud.
182. Try to help Rose with her anger management issues.
183. Try to sing Nessie to sleep. (Foxy: imagine the scene from three men and a baby where they sing Marie to sleep but off key. Speaking of that someone needs to write a twilight fanfic for that. If any of you do write one tell me please.)
184. Call Jake shark boy and ask why he doesn't hang out with the sharks anymore.
185. Tell Nessie that they think Jake is cheating on her with lava girl.
186. Get all the females to go around singing 'I Kissed A Girl' by Katy Perry while spinning in circles in the lingerie from the music video. Emotion tweaking involved.
(Go Star!)
186. Reenact scenes from M.A.S.H. 4077 with Charlie and Mike Newton. Charlie as Carnal Potter, Jasper as Hawk-eye and Emmett as Honeycutt; also Mike as Frank Burns. (A/N: I LOVE THAT SHOW. Even if it's an old show.)
187. Dress up like drill sergeants, go up to strangers and demand that they drop and give then 40 while yelling 'One! Tubby tubby! Two! tubby tubby! Ect.' And throwing the words 'maggot' 'probie' 'magee' or any other military nickname for low racking member in between. (Foxy: This happen to me in JROTC. Really funny Jude…ha...ha.)
188. Dare Mike, Tyler and Eric to lick the light pole in deed winter. (A/n: the morons will do it.)
189. Dress as Pinky and Brain for Halloween and sing the theme song the whole time while quoting lines from the show. (A/N: Emmett is Pinky for obvious reasons and Jasper is Brain.)
190. Go to the mall and pay the owner to close it for a week.
191. Dress Mike in a Bastia and thong, then hang him from the statue of Forks founder, Bob Forks, by the thong. (A/N: I tried to do research to find the real founder but found nothing.)
192. Dare Alice to dress like an elf at Christmas time.
193. Hang all Edward's boxers from the trees surrounding the entrance of the drive.
194. Streak around the town square screaming 'The cheerios stole my clothes!!!!'
195. Walk around town naked and act like they don't notice.
196. Give Charlie a heart attack by tricking him into walking in on Bella and Edward. (Charlie; number 60.)
197. Give Nessie the sex-talk.
198. Start a prank war with Jake and Edward, that gets all of them plus Mike Newton arrested. (A/N: number 63 on Charlie.)
199. Bongy-jump naked off the roof of the mansion or the police station or hospital!
Edward's POV:
Esme called a family meeting this morning to list out Emmett and Jasper's 'is not allowed to do list' it is now 5 pm. FIVE PM!!! I looked around the table to see my family deep in thought.
Nessie-'baby baby baby……was that a whimper!?'
Alice-'Baby cloths baby cloth….'
Jacob- 'Damn fleas! Nessie hates when I get fleas…oh shit I I have to sleep in the dog house tonight!!!!"
Carlisle- 'I need to monitor Charlie's heart; he doesn't have much longer….poor Bella.'
Rosalie- 'Damn I broke a nail while smacking Emmett; that can't grow back.'
Charlie- 'Can't tell Bella what the doctor said.'
Esme- 'ok that should do it?'
"Anything else we forgot?" Esme asked and as if on cue the door bell rang causing my grandson to wake up and wail. Nessie ran up the stairs fast to calm him, while everyone else split for a break. Bella and I answered the door to find a group of people dressed for a party; a gay party to be exact.
"Is this the house for the gay party?" Mike Newton came forward…wait MIKE NEWTON!!!
"Cullen?" He sneered. 'God; how embarrassing!! Wait is he gay too!!'
"No there is no 'party' here Newton." I sneered back, which I received a rib poke from Bella. She lifted her shield to scorn me for being rude and cleared her throat.
"Hi Mike how's Jess?" Bella asked with a sweet voice.
"Oh. Hi, Bella….. Jess and I broke up in college." He looked down and kicked a pebble.
"Oh, to bad, why?"
"We didn't work." 'I'm Gay and she found me with Tyler.' My mouth hung to the floor and my eyes went wide.
"I knew it...he's gay." I said so only she would hear. She looked up shocked and then looked back at Mike with a 'Are you sitting me' look.
"Well why are you here again? You woke up Jacob Jr., which I'm sure Nessie isn't too happy about." Bella said in a scornful motherly way.
"Who are Nessie and Jacob Jr.?" Mike asked with a 'what' expression.
"Well not to long after we got married, Edward and I had a daughter 'Nessie' and then last month she had a baby boy with her husband, Jacob." Just then Nessie walked down the stairs with a wailing baby J.J. cooing to him.
"Mommy's here shhhhh…Jake I swear if you have fleas again you are sleeping outside..." She said not even looking at Jacob as she sat down next to him on the couch. His eyes went wide and he ran to find Esme for help.
"Wow she has your hair…anyway we received this in the mail." He said as he handed me post card. It read:
Closet Party
'Are you a closet gay? Yes?! Then come to the closet party! Meet other closet gays and maybe go home together! Come to the following address on the 5th of November and party! (Insert address)'
"Bella look at this and tell me who it screams." I said handing her the card as I pitched the bridge of my nose.
"Emmett and Jasper….sorry everyone you've been prank'd!!!" She giggled out.
"uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Everyone groaned and began to leave.
"Alice we are tweedle-dee and tweedle-dumb!?" I called up stairs to her and she answered back,
"In the trees!" I listened for their thoughts outside.
{Emmett & Jasper}
Dude is that Eric Yorkie...and Josh Hunter, the first line men on the foot ball team! Dude!!
Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory!! And they're a couple…I knew it!!
Te proceeded to laugh and joke and I chuckled to…'hey it's funny!'
"Any ideas as to why they sent the invites?" Bella asked as we walked back to the dining room with everyone else.
"Just to see who would come I guess..." I trailed off thinking of all the thoughts I heard from the group. Bella thought to and lowered her shield,
'Did you see Josh Hunter?' I nodded and sat back down as Esme and newly flea free Jacob.
"Alright now that Jacob is flea free is there anything else to add?" Esme asked and Bella raised her hand and Esme nodded.
Bella walked over to the end of the table and wrote something down and walked away laughing. We all looked down at the list.
200. Have a closet gay party just to see who shows up.
A/N: Butt-knuckle! Now that I have your attention; Hope you love this chapter! I think we broke a record or something...I mean 200! That is a lot. If you want more updates you MUST review. Please read the companion story for the story 'What really happened' Star is working on more will I work on mine; if you have any request let me know mm'k. REVIEW! THE MAX I WANT IS…….23 AT LEAST 22. IF NO ONE REVIEWS J.J. GETS IT! Nessie Cullen is next. Also, I will try my best to update Tainted Love, but, if you want Edward to wake up you must give support if no support starts popping up on my email well you get the picture…..