Chapter 10
Wiping her hands on her day dress, Kathryn tried to pull her wayward thoughts into line. She needed to focus on tomorrow's meeting at work.
The latest cohort of cadets had just graduated and it was time for the faculty to decide on the next class to enter their hallowed hallways. Never an easy job and one that inevitably included some heartache for all involved, according to the logs of the admiral who had previously held her position.
Turn down a candidate, you "ruined their life forever", or accept one that wasn't ready and risk their life on a training exercise they were bound to fail. It was a very fine balancing act and one worthy of her full attention.
The problem was her subconscious didn't seem to agree. She had Chakotay on her mind. Had done for some weeks. And it was sending her loopy.
Bending down to pick up the colander she was using to hold the fresh lettuce she had picked, Kathryn let slip a little giggle as she noticed how muddy she was after titivating the plants in her mother's garden.
She'd hopped up to the Indiana house she'd grown up in last thing Friday after work, claiming she needed peace and quiet to study the cadet candidate files properly.
But the house was anything but quiet with Phoebe and her brood also choosing that weekend to descend on Gretchen. Fun, filled with laughter and perfect escapism, Kathryn had thrown herself into her role of aunt with full abandon. And it had almost been enough to take her mind away from a little apartment in San Francisco which housed a man with chocolate brown eyes.
Walking in the back door, Kathryn wiped her feet on the mat and started to make for the sink when she heard whispered voices coming from the kitchen.
Always too curious for her own good, she tiptoed forward to see if she could figure out what was being said without being noticed. One never knew in a close-knit family when knowing a secret would bring you great power over a sibling or parent.
Reaching the doorway of the kitchen, she peered through the gap between the frame and the just-ajar door, seeing her sister and mother sat at the large wooden table heads close together.
"Have you been able to get out of her if she's even seen him," Gretchen whispered, not as quietly as she thought.
"No," replied Phoebe, who at least, Kathryn thought, had the grace to look reluctant to reveal that information. "Mom, I think we need to stay out of this..." Never a truer word, thought Kathryn, indignant that her mother and sister thought it was okay to gossip about her private life. "But, I know how you feel. She just needs to get over this and accept that while it's going to be hard, she loves him and that's never going to change, no matter how imperfect the path to them both discovering that," Phoebe went on.
Kathryn was floored. She was in doubt that it was her and Chakotay they were discussing, but the idea that her Mom and Phoebe would be okay with a relationship between them had never occurred to her. After all, it was they that had helped pick him up after the death of his wife. How could they not see that she was disgraceful to be coveting him as he grieved?
Not able to process the thoughts, Kathryn impulsively rushed through the door, as if she'd never been eavesdropping, bustling into the kitchen with her salad leaves.
"Will these be enough for dinner do you think," she asked of her mother, hoping neither of her relatives would realise she'd been stood listening to their conversation.
"Er, yes, yes, I think that'll do us, Kathryn," Gretchen answered, sounding distracted. Kathryn moved to the sink, dropping the salad onto the benchtop and using her elbow to squeeze soap out of the dispenser onto her muddy hands.
Phoebe sighed and stood up. "Right, time for me to gather my menaces and get them to do their homework," she said. "Kathryn, when are you transporting back to San Francisco?"
"Just after dinner," Kathryn replied. "Did you want me to walk to the transport with you and the kids?"
"Yes, if you wouldn't mind, just means you can help carry the bags," Phoebe said, as if that was all she was going to say, but she suddenly turned on her heel, and walked over to stand next to the sink too. "Kathryn," she blurted, "I think we need to talk to you about Chakotay."
Stunned silence was all Kathryn could manage. Hadn't Phoebe just told her mother they shouldn't interfere? Kathryn stole a look at her mother. She looked entirely unsurprised at her youngest daughter's outburst.
Turning roundly on her youngest sibling, Kathryn Janeway was at full red alert: "What exactly," she spat out, "did you want to discuss about him, Phoebe."
"Calm, Katie, calm," Phoebe held her hands up in front of her, as if she was calling a truce. "I just think it might help to tell us what's happening. I mean, we haven't seen him here in weeks, he hasn't even checked in on Mom. We're worried." A brief pause ensued as Kathryn started to calm down, "About you both."
Taking a deep breath, the Admiral stood down and Kathryn re-emerged to look at her sister, all that was left of her flight or flight response an elevated heart rate and bitter taste in her mouth.
"Nothing, absolutely nothing is going on," she said truthfully, her head dropping and gaze on the floor as she wiped her wet hands on a cloth that had been sat on the draining board. "I haven't seen him outside of work, and to be honest, I've been avoiding him there too."
It was a state of affairs Kathryn's counsellor had been needling at, trying to push her to say why the friendship had been put so completely on hold by Kathryn. She knew why she'd done it. And she knew he was incredibly upset about it. He'd been sending her daily messages, each one getting shorter and shorter. She was entirely torn over whether she wanted them to get so short they eventually stopped, or that they would never stop waking her each morning at 5am.
Deciding the time was nigh to tell her mother and sister the truth, hoping it would get them off her backs once and for all, so they would finally understand she was just trying to make it right for Chakotay.
"He needs to move on with his own life, Phoebe," she said, looking her directly in the eyes, steely blue to steely blue. "I feel like I'm holding him back in his recovery at this point."
Phoebe looked confused. "But, Kathryn, in what way? He seemed so happy when you were around. He finally seemed to be coping with Seven's death and be living a life again. What do you think about you is holding him back. Has he said something?"
Kathryn shifted from foot to foot, not knowing how to put it into words.
"He told me, um, well..." and before she could finish the sentence her mother chimed in.
"He told you he loved you, didn't here?" She stood and went to her eldest child as she collapsed into tears and nodded that he had. Phoebe caught her mother's eye over Kathryn's head as it bobbed up and down in her embrace. She didn't understand why a declaration of love from a man she was quite clearly crazy about was worthy of tears. She'd only ever seen Kathryn cry a handful of times and this simply wasn't at all like her.
"Surely that's a good thing, Katie? I mean you like him too don't you?" A nod came from her sister, along with a sob. A reply came from her mother. "But you think it's wrong, don't you, Kathryn, you think it's too soon, that you are somehow betraying Seven?" Another nod. And a look of shock and grief passed over Phoebe's face. Her mother held a hand up to silence the youngest woman, what she was going to say didn't need to be said.
"Phoebe, put the kettle on. Kathryn, sit down," Gretchen went into full-on mother mode. "Now, listen to me, Kathryn. You can't help who you fall in love with. It's just not possible to control that. And while I know you need control in all things, this is one of those times we've talked about before where, you simply can't get everything you want. It doesn't matter how hard you push Chakotay away, the feelings won't follow. And just think for a minute about what this must be doing to him."
As she spoke, Phoebe came to sit down next to her sister, putting a hand on her knee. "Katie, how have you left it with him? What set all this off? The last we knew he'd talked to us about wanting to persuade you to go away for a while, just you and him... "
That was news to Kathryn.
"He wanted us to go away?"
"Yes, Kathryn, he'd sat down with Mom and I and told us he wanted to see if he had a chance with you. He hoped some time alone might help you both to explore your feelings for each other. See if there was anything beyond friendship." Phoebe was at a loss as to what could have gone so wrong.
"When did he talk to you," Kathryn asked, stunned that Chakotay had discussed any of this with her family. Her mother replied.
"The day after the event at Headquarters, Kathryn. He said you'd spoken and that he wanted to take you away to help clear both your heads. He was worried that you'd both been under so much emotional stress and press scrutiny that you'd never find out what you really felt for each other until you were able to talk properly away from it all. He said he feared you were a little overwhelmed by everything. But he wouldn't tell us any more than that."
Kathryn sighed. She'd started her campaign to stay away from him that day. The morning after their mutual declarations of love, she'd woken with him in the room next door in her mother's house. Still wearing her outfit from the previous night and hungover, she'd gathered her overnight bag quietly, stealing away to the transport station barefooted.
She'd fled to her childhood bedroom shortly after she'd burst into tears on him, telling him about her betrayal of Seven. She couldn't face his reassurances that it was all okay. Of course it wasn't okay. And lying on her bed, she'd resisted the temptation to let him into the room, despite his knocking for well over an hour, pleading with her. He just couldn't see how bad an idea it was to let it go any further. Her heart broke all over again that night as she eventually heard him head to the spare room next door. She must have been so exhausted she fell asleep still crying into her pillow. She'd never shed this many tears over a man before. Not even after the accident.
"I haven't spoken to him since the night before," Kathryn admitted. "I wanted to give him a chance to really think about it. how bad an idea it was. To prove to him that he could manage very well without me. I hadn't expected he would stop calling you two."
"Kathryn, have you spoken to Tom or B'Elanna since then," Gretchen asked.
"Not really, I wanted to make sure they didn't have me hanging on them so Chakotay could talk to them."
"Have you heard from him, Kathryn," Gretchen asked with more urgency.
"Yes, I get a message from him everyday," Kathryn looked down at her sister's hand on her knee as she spoke.
"What does he say, Katie," this from Phoebe.
"He just keeps asking to see me. Up until this week he was telling me about his day, who he'd spoken to as well. But his messages have got shorter and shorter. He's begged me to comm him, to meet him for coffee. It's been lucky I've been at conferences and meetings for most of the past two or three weeks, so I haven't even really seen him at work, other than a fleeting glimpse while I've been talking to students of faculty."
"oh, Kathryn," her mother sighed, "you must contact him immediately. And Tom and B'Elanna. Phoebe, no wonder they were so concerned about Kathryn. I can't believe we haven't had them over here demanding to know if she's still alive."
"I can't Mom, he really must move on. He has to forget all this nonsense of loving me. He can't possibly." Kathryn was gesticulating as she said this, her passion overflowing.
"Oh, Katie," her sister patted her elbow, pulling her arms down again, "He's not going to 'get over' anything. He must be worried sick. What did you think radio silence was possibly going to do? For a bright woman you can be incredibly dumb sometimes."
Gretchen let out an ungentlewomanly snort at that pronouncement earning her a stern glance form her eldest daughter. "Kathryn, you're just like your father, and that one next to you. Far too clever for your own good." Taking a pause, Gretchen sized up her progeny.
"Right, Kathryn, this has to end today. You need to reply to his last message. When did it arrive?"
"Mom..." Kathryn made to disagree.
"Shush, tell me. When was the last message?"
"This morning. I get them every morning at about 5am", Kathryn admitted.
"Phoebe, finish making that tea. The kettle will need boiling again. Kathryn, to the Comm with you. Arrange to meet the man and let him know you are alive. What you decide to do after that is your own business. But I think his proposal of some time away is an extremely good one. Surely after this week's student intake meetings, you are free for a fair while until the start of the new term?"
Kathryn felt like she had whiplash. Her mother had gone back to the woman she remembered in her late teens, all business and insistence she do things her way. It was strangely comforting. Neither sibling dared disobey her in this mood.