James looked out of the window of the Hogwarts Express, just leaving London and taking them back to school. The Christmas holidays had been awfully silent. Sirius had barely left his room, only joining the Potters for the meals, and even then he didn't eat nor speak despite Euphemia's best efforts. James had no idea how to act around him or what to say to him, but he hated seeing his friend like this. Guilt was eating away at him. There were dark circles under his eyes, proof that he didn't sleep well, or maybe not at all, and his usually beautiful hair was now falling flatly on both sides of his face.

Because of his head injury, James had been stuck in the infirmary for the entire last day of the semester so it was Peter who had caught him up. Sirius hadn't been expelled, but it was more due to his family situation than to leniency on Dumbledore's part. No one knew what the headmaster said to him in his office, but it was clear that Sirius had been severely reprimanded.

Remus had been made aware of the incident by Dumbledore himself, just after he woke up in the infirmary, and none of the boys had seen him since. He didn't seem to be on the train taking them back to London, nor at King Cross this morning. James had wrote him about a hundred letters, explaining, apologizing, but he had yet to receive a response.

Only Peter was acting somewhat normally. Thank Merlin for Peter. It was him who had found James under the Willow, passed out in a pool of his own blood, and according to Madam Pomfrey, it was also him who had performed the necessary spells to keep James from bleeding out until the nurse arrived. James owed him his life. He had came very close to dying, but that was something he would never admit to either Remus or Sirius. The guilt would be too much for them.

Thanks to the Marauder's Map, Peter had also found Snape later that same night, hiding under a staircase in a profound state of shock, and brought him straight to Dumbledore's office, where Sirius already was, confessing.

James sighed as he recalled that night and his breath fogged the window of the train. The past few weeks had been rough. And the next were probably about to be rougher, considering his two best friends were not talking to each other. Or to him, for that matter.

Sirius was sitting in front of him, brooding as he had been for the entire holidays. His arms were crossed on his chest and his legs were neatly tucked underneath his seat, which was entirely out of character. Sirius Black liked to take up space, to be noticed. This was a faded, exhausted version of him.

The door to their carriage slid open and James almost jumped to his feet, certain for a second that he would see his Moony appear, with his usual grin on his face and a book in his hand.

"Can we sit here? All the other carriages are full," said Mary, a Gryffindor in their year. She was accompanied by Marlene and Lily and they all looked at James expectantly.

"Sure, go ahead," said James, motioning towards the empty seats. His stomach did a sad little loop when Lily sat next to him and he thought with mild amusement that this was the first time he was disappointed to see her. He would have given everything he owned to be surrounded by his friends, all of his friends, and for things to be normal again.

"Where's Remus?" asked Lily to Peter sitting in front of her. "You four are usually inseparable!"

Peter shrugged and tried to deviate the topic quickly, while James turned back to look out the window. He had to find Moony. He missed his best friend too much.

He stood up, trying his hardest to not accidentally brush against Lily, and walked out without a word, exchanging a meaningful glance with Peter. They knew each other so well they didn't need to talk to communicate.

In the hallway, James leaned on the door he had just closed. He had no idea where he could find his friend. He feared that Remus was not on the train, that he had decided not to go back to Hogwarts to not endanger any more students. It had been on James's mind during the entire Christmas holidays. Remus had always been afraid that he would hurt someone and could never forgive himself if he did.

James made his way through the entire train, searching for Remus in each compartment. He finally found him in the prefect carriage just before the magic locomotive and cursed himself for not having thought of it earlier.

Remus was alone, sitting cross-legged and leaning against the wall behind him. There was an unopened book on his lap and he was staring out of the window at the countryside. He didn't look at James when he sat down in front of him and gave no indication that he was aware of his friend's presence.

James wasn't sure what to say so he ruffled up his hair. He wasn't great at talking. So he waited for Remus to be the first to break the silence between them.

For about an hour they sat together and James was very grateful no one entered the carriage and interrupted that silence. Far from being awkward, it was comfortable and familiar. The soft balancing of the train and the whistle of the wind were lulling James so he jumped a little bit upon hearing Remus's voice, low and raspy.

"I got your letters."

James looked up and couldn't help but grin upon seeing the subtle smile of his best friend. He didn't answer and waited for Remus to continue.

"I'm sorry I didn't reply to them."

"Don't worry about it," answered James, dismissing the unwanted apology with a wave of the hand. He was so incredibly happy to be speaking to his Moony, who he had missed a lot, and didn't have enough place in his heart for grudges.

"It's just.. I know you were with... him and well. I haven't.. I don't know if I'll ever be able to face him again. After what he's done."

Remus lowered his head and stared down at his feet. James nodded, frowning. He had predicted that reaction, but that didn't mean he knew how to deal with it. He tried anyway.

"Moony, I... I can't imagine how you must be feeling. And I don't know if I'll ever look at Padfoot the same again either. What he did, betraying your trust like this.. I can't ask you to forgive him, because I know I can't forgive him myself."

James felt tears coming up but he repressed them quickly and adjusted his glasses, sitting a bit straighter. His own voice was very raspy, he didn't talk much himself during the past two weeks.

"But I know this: we're the only thing he's got. His only family. He got disowned just a few months ago, his abusive parents kicked him out. There are Death-Eaters in the streets right now, killing and torturing muggles and muggleborns, and he can't be sure his little brother isn't one of them. You, Moony, you are the person he cares about the most in the entire world and you were attacked just days ago. He cares for you. He loves you. He made a mistake."

Remus looked up. His eyes were a little red, his lips a thin white line.

"I almost killed you."

The whisper broke James's heart.

"You didn't."

Remus reached his hand towards him and James took it without a trace of hesitation. He squeezed his friend's hand, hoping to transmit through touch everything he couldn't express through words. They didn't say anything for a minute, just looking at each other and appreciating the strength of their bond.

"I don't remember anything. Dumbledore didn't give me any details," Remus sighed after a while. "And honestly I don't know if I want to know what happened."

"There's nothing to know," lied James. "I caught Severus right as he was about to step in the cabin. He saw you but that's it. We were never in real danger."

He would keep Remus away from the truth even if it was the last thing he did in his life. Some secrets are worth keeping. Especially secrets protecting people from themselves. Truth was too cruel sometimes.

"Good. I couldn't have forgiven myself if..."

"You didn't," repeated James, more firmly this time, unconsciously placing a hand on his heart, where three silver scars stretched under his robes.

Remus smiled at him shyly.

"I never thanked you. For stopping me from becoming a murderer. So you know. Thank you."

"Anything for my Moony."

When they finally arrived at Hogwarts, Remus left to lead the first years and James went back to Peter and Sirius, who he was surprised to find still in company of Marlene and Mary. The girls seemed to find Sirius's moping and unusual silence 'charming', and Mary in particular was almost drooling over him.

The strangely assembled group sat together at the Gryffindor table, and James caught himself thinking that it actually wasn't that bad, as it would distract the Marauders from the fact that they were missing a quarter. Remus hadn't returned to them yet, and James kept looking around hoping to catch a glimpse of his friend. He had hoped their talk in the train would have solved everything between the four of them but it apparently wasn't the case.

Sirius was looking straight down at his food, which he wasn't eating. In front of James, Lily, who had joined them after completing her prefect duties, seemed to have noticed something wasn't right and was frowning.

"James?" she whispered so the others wouldn't hear. "Where's Remus?"

There was a hint of worry in her voice and James remembered Moony was Lily's friend too.

"I don't know," he whispered back. "Sirius and him are not speaking to each other, it's.. it's pretty bad."

"Jeez," said Lily with a wince. "I hope he's okay, he's the only decent one out of you four."

James poked his tongue at her and she laughed.

"You're not wrong," he admitted. "He doesn't deserve any of this.. I'm gonna talk to Sirius, see if I can make things right."

"You better," said Lily, biting her bottom lip, pensive. "Remus is not one to ignore his friends like this, and it feels weird seeing you three without him."

"Don't I know it," sighed James.

After the end of the feast and a yet incredibly weird Dumbledore speech, they all got up, ready to rejoin their dorms. Sirius was trailing behind the group, dragging his feet. James decided he wouldn't miss his opportunity and deliberately slowed down to let Sirius catch up with him.

"Hey mate," said James, unsure of where to start for a change.

"Hey," replied Sirius without looking up.

James took a sharp breath in. Talking to a sad Sirius would be way harder than talking to a sad Moony. They were both so different.

"It's okay you know. I mean it's not but.. it will," said James risking a glance towards Sirius, who was smiling faintly at his friend's legendary eloquence. "You don't have to, you know.. starve yourself over it. And you need to sleep.."

"He hates me," interrupted Sirius. His voice was quiet and weak and he was no longer smiling.

"No he doesn't," replied James just as softly. "He was just scared. He's still scared. But he loves you, we all do."

They had come to a stop, James didn't remember when, but Peter and the girls had disappeared in front for a while now. The corridor was empty and strangely silent.

"I don't deserve your affection."

James punched him in the shoulder, playfully but still a bit hard and Sirius yelped and jumped away from him.

"Don't deserve it? You're Sirius Black! My best friend. I can't count how many times you took the blame for me and went to my detentions so I could go to Quidditch practice. I can't count the number of times you stood up for me, and hexed some Slytherin idiot who made fun of my glasses. You're our prank master, you come up with so many great ideas, we would get nothing done without you. You care for us and we care for you. Yes you are stupid, yes you are an asshole and yes you've made a mistake, but don't think for a second that means you're not worthy of love, because you are."

"Shut up," grunted Sirius.

"Never," grinned James.

Arriving at the Gryffindor tower, they went straight to their dorms, passing by all the students still hanging out in the common room. James was nervous. For the second time that day he didn't know where Remus was and he didn't like it. He had not forgotten about the night his friend was attacked.

But James's anxiety disappeared as soon as they opened the door to their room. Remus was sitting on his bed, emptying his trunk while talking to Peter. He looked up when Sirius and James entered the room and smiled shyly at James, although he still looked unsure of how to act around his boyfriend. Or former boyfriend. James wasn't certain.

"Moony?" Sirius's voice was loud and clear. He looked calmer and more self assured than he had in the corridor with James.

"Yah."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

And that was that.