Sink or Swim
Chapter 10
Mac joined Ana Lucia running on the beach.
"Mind if I join you?" Mac questioned.
"Free beach," Ana replied, not missing a step.
"We haven't had a chance to talk since…" she started to say, but stopped when Ana held up her hand.
"Since you accused me of having something to do with the attack on Sun - I told you not to worry about it," she replied.
"I know, but I think I need to try to explain," Mac stated, keeping up with Ana.
"Nothing to explain," the other woman responded. "You've taken sides," she accused.
Mac sighed. "Ana, believe me that isn't what's going on."
"Really?" Ana asked, turning and stopping. "Then please tell me what's happening? While we were fighting for our lives, these people were building golf courses and taking showers."
"Ana, we've been through this, we were all on that plane together. We're not enemies," she tried to explain. "I can never thank you enough for keeping us safe, but I'm not going to hold it against Sayid or anyone else for not being in the tail section. I wanted to apologize for accusing you, and tell you something."
Ana started running again. "What?"
Mac sighed, starting to run again just to keep up with her. "Is that Locke by your tent?"
"What the hell does he want?" she questioned, obviously annoyed.
Mac inhaled, shaking her head. "I think I know," she answered, catching up with her.
"You were running like the devil's chasing you," Locke stated.
"Maybe he is," Ana replied.
"Good for you, keeping in shape," Locke commented. "Mac," he greeted.
"Locke," Mac simply answered.
"What do you want, Locke?" Ana questioned.
"What do I want?" Locke repeated.
"I've been here over a week - you've never said 2 words to me. And now you're sitting outside my tent?" Ana pointed out.
"Mac, can you excuse us?" Locke asked.
"No, she stays. I have a feeling that she has an idea what you are doing here," she answered.
"You planned on telling her?" Locke inquired.
"I was about ready to discuss it," she answered. "But since you seem to want to tell her so bad, go ahead," Mac stated, crossing her arms.
"We've got a man locked up down in the Hatch. There's a possibility he's one of them - the Others," Locke explained.
"Who's we?" Ana questioned.
"Me and Jack. He's keeping watch right now," Locke responded.
"You knew about this?" Ana questioned Mac.
Mac nodded. "The woman you saw and pointed out to Sayid, Danielle, she caught him, Sayid and I brought him in."
Ana glared at her. "And there isn't taking sides? Three days? So what do you want Locke?" Ana asked, turning her attention to Locke.
"I'd like you to talk with him. You have experience with the Others. You were a cop. Seems to me you're the most qualified to figure out if this man's telling the truth," Locke stated.
"What about Mac? She was a soldier," Ana pointed out.
"I'm not a big fan of small spaces, Locke knows that," Mac answered for him.
"Does Jack know you're coming to me with this?" Ana asked, folding her arms.
"We've got a serious problem, Ana Lucia - all of us. I'm taking the necessary steps to solve it. I don't need Jack's permission to talk with you because right now there's a man sitting in a room in my hatch, and I want him out," Locke answered.
"Your hatch?" Mac questioned. "For some reason I thought it belonged to all of us," she accused. She turned to Ana. "You think I'm taking sides? Locke is using you for his own purpose. Whatever you do it's up to you, but think about it," she said, shaking her head, leaving.
Mac filled up a box of her daughters' toys, sitting on Sofia's bed holding a baby Minnie Mouse, and closing her eyes.
"Hey…." a voice whispered from the door.
Mac opened her eyes. "Jordan….."
Jordan walked over and sat on the bed, taking her into a hug. "I'm not leaving so don't even ask me to."
Mac pulled away slightly. "What are you doing here?"
Jordan touched her older sister's face. "You don't need to be alone, you shouldn't be alone. I let you order me out of your life after Taylor's death, which I totally understand. I messed up, but this time, I'm staying here, helping you."
"Did mom call you?" she hissed.
"Mom? She's been here? I haven't talked to mom in years," Jordan explained. "A man named Mason found me in Germany, sent some high ranking Military Police guy to come get me. My first thought was something happened to you.""He didn't have a right to contact you," Mac answered.
"Well I'm glad he did. I'm not leaving!" Jordan exclaimed. "You can hold a grudge, blame me for Taylor's death, I do. But, you are not going to do this alone. You are not packing up this room, putting the memories in a box and forgetting about them."
"You think I'd forget about my daughters? I'd never," she answered.
"When was the last time you talked to anyone about Taylor?" Jordan asked, accusingly.
"What?"
"When was the last time you sat down and talked to anyone about Taylor? Do you tell people you only have one sister?" she questioned. "I know you; you've always closed yourself off when something bad happens. You pretend those you lost just stopped existing. I don't care if you pretend I don't exist, but those two girls of yours, they deserve more than that."
Mac stopped at Claire's tent peeking in on Aaron. "He feeling better?" Mac asked Claire.
"Very much so," Claire answered, smiling. "I was worried."
Mac nodded, coming in. "I remember the first time Sofia got sick," she stated. "I drove like a maniac to get her to the on base hospital, just to be told it was a cold."
Claire smiled. "Did you just accept it?"
Mac nodded. "I wasn't happy about it and I was sure the doctor was a quack but of course he was right. You did what any mother would do when her baby gets sick the first time, or even the second time. Well for that matter any time," she stated, laughing. "How are things with Charlie?"
"I'm letting it go for now," she answered stiffly. "You and Sayid?"
Mac sighed, sitting down. "I'm not sure. I've always been the person to think about everything I do. I don't make friends easily, I don't trust people easily, and I don't fall in love easily."
"You and I are friends, at least I hope so," Claire suggested.
Mac smiled, touching the other woman's hand. "We are, but before we crashed, I wouldn't have talked to you this easily. And, I would have missed out making a friend."
"You would have missed out meeting Sayid," the other woman countered.
Mac nodded. "Yeah," she agreed. "But my track record isn't that great on men."
"Mine neither," Claire admitted. "Where is your daughters' father?"
Mac looked at her. "Serving two life sentences' for killing Sofia and Paige. I finally got the nerve to file for divorce after years of being abused, and two weeks later he took a gun and shot both of the girls to get even with me. Please don't say you're sorry, I've heard that so many times."
"He should have been given the death penalty," Claire stated firmly.
"I asked for it to be taken off the table. I've killed people before, mostly in war, and it doesn't feel good. I wanted to be able to face him anytime I wanted to, to look at his face anytime I wanted to, and to confront him," she explained. "I found that easier said than done. After the first six months after his trial, I stayed in Washington DC, where it happened, and then I took off, just to forget," she explained.
"Why were you in Australia?" Claire questioned.
"My dad is sick. I hadn't talked to him in ages, he asked me to come and visit. I guess to make amends before it was too late," she answered. "I wasn't really open to it then, but now I wish I had."
"Maybe you'll have a chance when we get out of here," she offered.
"I hope so," she answered.
Mac came out of her bedroom spotting Jordan sitting on the couch going through her things. "What are you doing?"
Jordan looked up. "Remember when we were kids and we were having a bad day, you'd pop in Cinderella and we'd watch it?"
"We're not kids anymore," she pointed out. "Popping in a movie and curling up on the couch isn't going to make everything ok."
"It didn't when we were kids either, but for that moment, it made us forget," she commented. "I don't know what to do for you," she offered.
"Jordan, I don't need you to do anything for me," Mac informed her.
Jordan stood up going over to her sister. "Mac, please don't do this. You need to rely on someone. If you need someone to beat up on, I'm here. Yell at me, cuss at me, do something, but don't cut yourself off."
Mac shook her head. "I'm not like you, I don't show emotion, I can't show emotion. I am a major in the Army."
"You are also a mother whose two daughters were murdered by her ex-husband. I think the Army would forgive you for weakness," she said.
"You still on drugs?" Mac asked accusingly.
Jordan sighed. "Another Mackenzie trick, turning accusations on those trying to help. It's not going to work," she informed her. "I've been clean for three months, not a whole lot of the time, but it's a start. I've noticed you been hitting the whiskey bottle a little bit more then you should."
"You a doctor now?" Mack hissed.
"No, I'm concerned for my older sister," Jordan responded. "I'm watching her self-destruct, and it's hard for me to watch."
"Then leave," she told her. "I think I made it pretty clear, I don't need you or anyone else."
Jordan shrugged. "Insult me, but I'm still not leaving, so want to make some popcorn so we can watch Cinderella?"
Mac gathered wood, turning when she heard footsteps, shielding her eyes from the sun. "Sayid."
"You shouldn't be out of here alone," he pointed out, bending down to help her.
Mac sighed. "I still have a perfect line of sight on the camp, clear beach area around me. I'm not new at this."
"I know," Sayid answered.
"Did you get anything out of him?" she questioned.
Sayid shook his head. "He is skilled at keeping up a lie."
"Eko and Jack came to see me," she informed him.
"What about?" he questioned.
"You," she answered.
"Me?" Sayid asked obviously confused. "What about me?"
"Gale," she simply answered.
"They should not be coming to you about what I do, you are not my keeper," Sayid informed her.
"I tried telling them that," Mac replied. "It's typical though, it is common knowledge we are involved, and sometimes people do have influence over the other, though I've never had that kind of relationship with anyone before, but I've heard that it does happen."
Sayid touched her face. "You do have influence over me," he said.
"Just not over this matter," she replied. "I don't expect you to be influenced by me, we haven't known each other that long."
"I told you how I feel," he reminded her, moving closer. "If you don't want me to go back to the hatch, I won't. I never want to put you in a position that you feel like you have to defend me or make excuses for what I'm doing. Jack tried to make you feel guilty about what I was doing, didn't he?" Sayid questioned.
"Yes, but I told him that I wasn't responsible," Mac replied.
"You aren't," he agreed. "Do you want me to remove myself from the hatch?"
Mac sighed, standing. "Sayid, what you do is your business. I'm not telling you what to do or what not to do. You need to be able to live with what you're doing."
Sayid stood, kissing her. "When I tortured Sawyer, I felt guilt, I left the camp. That is when I met Danielle. This is different, because I know he's guilty."
Mac nodded. "I understand those instincts; maybe that's why I find it easy not to think about what you're doing. I want to talk to him."
Sayid shook his head. "That isn't a good idea, Mac. He's in the armory, and you have a fear of small spaces. You know as well as I do that you can't show weakness in front of the enemy."
Mac leaned against a tree. "I just feel like I should be doing something more."
He took her face into both of his hands. "You are an important part of this camp. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses and we have to be able to learn when we have to let others do things we aren't comfortable with. I will do my best to get the truth out of him but I don't need to worry about you being down there with him."
"I don't mind if people take charge, I actually don't like being in charge. But I do have a problem when I know I can be of some use," she pointed out.
"You are being of use, just somewhere else. You don't have to do everything," he told her, kissing her. "I was going to go work on something, come with me?"
"Yeah," Mac answered.
Jordan knocked on Mac's door. "Hey it's me," she called before coming in.
Mac looked up, holding her pistol in her hand unable to hide it in time.
"What in…Mac…what are you doing?" Jordan asked her, racing over to the bed. "Give me the gun."
"Stay out of this, Jordan," Mac told her.
"You're in your room, with a gun in your hand and you want me to stay out of it?" her sister asked. "No way," she said, holding out her hand. "Give it to me. Please. I can't lose you too."
Mac looked at her. "Jordan, don't try making me feel guilty about wanting to kill myself. I lost my daughters."
"I realize that, Mac," she replied touching her cheek. "But you have too much to do, too much to fight for still," she reminded her. "Do you want that SOB to get off for killing the girls? Let me tell you that a devastated mother is the best evidence," Jordan informed her. "You are not a quitter, Mac and this is the easy way out."
"Who are you to tell me what I should be doing or feeling?" Mac questioned. "You don't have children," she hissed.
Jordan shook her head. "No, I don't, but I have a sister who was born to be a mother and without her in my life to keep me straight I screw up. Mac, I know those girls were your life, and you know that you have to fight for them."
"I don't know if I can," she answered, laying the gun on the bed.
Jordan grabbed it, taking a breath. "You have never had a quitting attitude."
"I never lost two daughters before," she hissed.
Jordan touched her sister's face. "I know, sweetheart. You have always carried the world on your shoulders and with a mother like ours, I totally understand. I know that I let you down with Taylor, I was a bad sister. But now, you need me and I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to let you kick me out of your life again. Not this time and not this way. I'm staying until after the trial, and no matter what you say or do, you aren't going to get rid of me. And this," she said holding up the gun, "you're going to have to talk to someone about. Professionally."
"No," she answered quickly.
"You don't have a choice, Mac. This is something you can't handle on your own, something that you shouldn't handle on your own. Doesn't the Army have someone you can talk to?" she questioned.
Mac let out a laugh. "Yeah that will look real good on my file, a major who needs to see a shrink."
"Excuse me? You're really not worried about what the Army is going to think are you? If they don't understand you lost two daughters and have every right to be depressed and suicidal, then they need to go take a flying leap. You are human," she pointed out. "Though sometimes, I doubted that growing up," she teased.
Mac shook her head. "Funny."
"I thought so," Jordan answered with a grin.
Mac brought over bamboo to Charlie and Sayid.
"A bit large for a dining room table, isn't it?" Charlie asked.
"If we cut them in two, it will suit the purpose," Sayid answered.
"Sayid, can I talk to you?" Ana asked, entering.
"Of course," Sayid answered, handing Charlie a bamboo piece.
"Alone?" Ana questioned.
"Whatever you need to say, you can say it here," Sayid stated.
"It's about the hatch," she replied.
"You mean the guy locked in the closet there? What about him?" Charlie asked.
Ana handed Sayid a map. "It's to his balloon."
"How did you get him to do this?" Sayid questioned.
"I asked nicely," Ana said pointedly.
"Do Jack and Locke know about this?" Sayid questioned.
"Jack and Locke are a little too busy worrying about Locke and Jack. All I want to know is if this guy's telling the truth," she replied.
"Why come to me?" Sayid questioned.
"Do you believe him?" Mac questioned, coming over and taking the map.
"Judging from what you did to his face that's what you want, too," Ana said.
"This is at least a day's walk," Sayid answered.
"Then we should get going," Ana answered.
Mac shook her head. "Not you Ana," she said.
"Excuse me?" Ana questioned.
Sayid looked at Mac. "You're going to stay here, Mac is going to come with me."
"I got the map, I'm going," Ana informed both of them.
Mac shook her head. "Think about it, Ana. If both you and Sayid go, then the two people who can intimidate Gayle are taken out of the picture. And as Sayid pointed out earlier, I don't do small spaces well, which means, if I did go down there I show weakness. You just said yourself Jack and Locke are playing a power trip, so one of you needs to stay here. I'll leave that decision up to you two who goes, but one of you is staying," Mac informed them, leaving to get her bag.
Jordan passed Mac a bowl of popcorn. "So, what's going on between you and Mason?"
Mac took a handful of popcorn. "I'm his commanding officer and we're both married," she remarked.
"Want to try to answer me truthfully this time?" Jordan asked.
Mac sighed. "We've been having an affair for about six months. It's against the rules, both of us are married, and I'm his commanding officer."
"One of the many reasons I couldn't be in the army, but I'm surprised: you hardly ever broke a rule unless it was for Taylor and my survival," the younger woman noted.
"Robert was accusing me of having an affair for years, which I wasn't. It's not an excuse for what I did," Mac replied.
"Robert's an ass, always has been. He abused you for years, took a gun to his own daughters to get back at you for leaving him. Those are the actions of a selfish individual. Mason seems to really care for you," she stated.
"It's over," Mac stated.
"You're letting Robert ruin this too?" she questioned.
Mac shook her head. "I'm not able to run my life at the moment, let alone have another person involved. Mason was a friend that I let get past whatever defenses I had built up. Believe me, it won't happen again."
Mac handed Sayid his bag as he walked up. "Thought you'd win," she simply stated. "Charlie's coming."
Sayid took his bag glancing at her. "Why?"
"Because he asked," she replied. "And because he needed to feel like he is doing something useful again."
Sayid nodded, starting to walk. "You made a good point to Ana about one of us staying behind."
Mac shrugged. "Occasionally, I do have one of those. When you're in command as long as I was, you think of what obstacles could occur when you send people out on reconnaissance missions like this. Of course you don't need me to tell you that. Anyway, I'm helping the group."
Sayid nodded. "So you do listen," he teased, taking her hand kissing it.
"Occasionally," she answered, smiling. "Charlie, slow down!" she yelled after him.
"He should not have come," Sayid stated, picking up his pace to catch up with him.
"He needed to feel useful, just like everyone else, Sayid," she pointed out, picking up her pace, both of them catching up as Charlie stumbled at the creek. Mac grabbed for him. "You okay?"
"I'm alright. Thanks," Charlie answered, as they continued walking.
"That cliff there appears to be this, "Sayid commented pointing out a spot on the map.
Mac took the map. "Gale seems to be telling the truth."
"Pointing out a geographical touchstone does not mean he's leading us to a balloon," Sayid pointed out.
"Maybe not, but we're on the right track," she responded, shaking her head as Sayid walked off.
"Humor's not his strong suit," Charlie pointed out.
"He's got a lot of things on his mind," Mac pointed out, walking. "Charlie, wait," she stated.
Charlie stopped turning around. "Yeah?"
"Mind giving me the gun?" Mac questioned.
"My what?" he asked, playing dumb.
"The gun in your pants. I'm not even going to ask how you got it, I don't care. What I do care is if something does happen, that gun is in the hand of someone who knows how to use it," Mac pointed out.
"Last time you said anything to me, you threatened me. Do you think I'll just hand it over to you?" he questioned.
"That's enough," Sayid stated.
Charlie pulled out the gun, acting like he was going to hand it to Mac then handed it to Sayid. "I trust him."
"I said enough," Sayid informed him. "She's not one of the others, she was on our plane," he warned. "We'll go as far as the base of the cliff and we'll camp there."
"Sayid, you're only defending her because you're sleeping with her," Charlie said accusingly.
Mac held her hand up to stop Sayid from saying anything. "Charlie, trust me, don't trust me, that's your choice, but remember I'm not the one who set the camp on fire," she said, leaving.
Jordan leaned on the side of the bathroom door. "Mason called again."
Mac washed her hair. "Did you tell him I wasn't talking to anyone?"
"The same thing I've told him the last ten times he's called. You need to talk to him, tell him whatever you need to. He's not taking it from me," she declared.
"You're just going to have to keep at it," Mac informed her stepping out of the shower, grabbing a robe. "I'm not talking to him."
Jordan sighed. "Mac, do you realize you're doing what you always do?"
"And what exactly is that?" Mac hissed.
"Shutting yourself off," she countered. "When something tragic happens in your life, you cut yourself off from anyone who cares about you. You feel like you have to deal with everything on your own. You did it when Taylor died, when dad walked out, and now you're doing it again. It's like you have to be alone to hold on to the anger," she said, tilting her head. "That's it, isn't it? You feel like if you let go and rely on someone, then you can't hold on to the anger."
Mac looked at her. "Don't try to figure me out, Jordan, I've been trying for years, and I still don't understand myself."
Mac looked over at Charlie, who was sitting by himself, as she threw a stick on the fire.
"He should not have said what he did," Sayid informed her, interrupting her thoughts.
Mac looked at him. "Ana feels the same way about you and the other survivors' that Charlie feels about me. Maybe they have a point, and we are the ones fooling ourselves."
"You don't believe that any more than I do," Sayid challenged her.
Mac sighed. "There was a time that I would have felt the way they do."
Sayid nodded his head in agreement. "So would I. Trust has to be earned," he reminded her, kissing her shoulder.
Mac looked at him. "What did I do to earn your trust so easily?"
Sayid smiled. "I don't have an answer to that, but I do know I trust you," he informed her, pushing her hair out of her eyes.
Mac looked at him, kissing him softly. "We should get some sleep."
Mac woke up to discover Sayid packing his bag already. "Morning."
"Morning," he replied, kissing her. "We need to get moving."
Mac looked up at the sky. "It looks like it's going to rain."
Sayid nodded, handing Mac her bag. "Let's go."
"Morning! Who wants breakfast? I have papayas and papayas," Charlie said entering the opening.
"Let's go," Sayid responded walking off.
"Right, why eat?" Charlie questioned.
Mac took a papaya out of Charlie's hand. "Sayid, head's up," she called after him, throwing him a papaya. "Keep your strength up," she said. "Thanks Charlie," she stated, walking with him.
"You've got him on a short chain," Charlie pointed out.
Mac grabbed Charlie's elbow, causing him to stop. "Excuse me?" she asked, lowering her voice.
"He didn't argue with you when you told him to eat, anyone else he would have snapped their heads off for even suggesting it. You have him trained," Charlie repeated.
"You're lucky that Sayid didn't hear you say that, or you'd be eating sand again. Actually, I may still punch you," Mac warned. "As soldiers', both of us know how important it is to keep our strength up. We respect each other's advice in those matters because we are trained. We both are quite aware how focused we can be on a mission, so we watch out for each other in that way. Understood?"
"If you want to believe that's all it is," Charlie responded.
Mac glared at him. "I didn't say that was all there was to it, but one of the main reasons we'll listen to each other's advice when no one else can get through to us, is because of our similar backgrounds. But, hey, if you want to keep talking like that and risk letting Sayid hear you, go right ahead," she hissed, walking away.