Chapter Nine
Once lunch was finished, I joined Harry, Ron and Hermione out in the overcast courtyard. It was a pleasant day and it was relatively close to the next class. Hermione was buried in her Voyages with Vampires, and Ron and Harry were busy talking about Quidditch. Meanwhile I had my nose stuck in a book on animals, it was very descriptive and detailed about their bone, muscle, and anatomy – useful for newly acquired skill.
"Sod off, Malfoy!" I heard Ron say angrily.
Looking up startled from my book, Ron and Draco were facing off again. Hermione had snapped her book shut as Ron whipped out his Spell-o-taped wand.
"What's all this?"
I ignored the remaining of the conversation as Lockhart strutted towards the group. I busied myself by heading to Lockhart's classroom, I took an open seat and piled all seven of his books on the desk. It was ridiculous. Ron and Hermione sat down on either side of Harry behind me.
"You could have fried an egg on your face," Ron said gleefully. "You better hope that Collin doesn't meet Ginny, or they'll be starting a Harry Potter fan club,"
"Shut up," Harry snapped.
When the whole class was seated, Lockhart cleared his throat loudly and fell silent. He reached forward, and picked up Neville's copy of Travel with Trolls, and held it up to his own winking portrait on the front.
"Me," He said pointing at the portrait and winking as well. "Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award – but I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!"
He was waiting for us to laugh, and I noticed a few week smiles, and I fought to roll my eyes.
"I see you've all bought a complete set of my books – well done. I thought we'd start with a little quiz. Nothing to worry about – just to check how much you've taken in – "
When he handed out the test papers and he returned to the front of the class.
"You have thirty minutes – start – now."
As I flipped over the paper, and I wanted to rip the paper into shreds.
1. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favor color?
2. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?
3. What, in your option is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?
I flipped the page over and I was astounded that this was three pages long. I caught Harry's blank look that mirrored my own. Sighing I went to work, I knew the answers, I had the books read before the end of the summer. I felt ridiculous writing the answers. Half an hour later, Lockhart collected the papers and rifled through them in front of the class.
"Tut, tut – hardly any of you remembered that my favorite color is lilac. I say so in Year with the Yeti. And a few of you need to read Wander with Werewolves more carefully – I clearly state in chapter twelve that my ideal birthday gift would be harmony between all magic and non-magic people's - though I wouldn't say no to a large botte of Ogden's Old Fire Whiskey!"
He gave us a roguish wink. I'm sure my expression matched Ron's, one of disbelief. Seamus and Dean whom were sitting in front were shaking with silent laughter. Hermione, among the other girls were listening with rapt attention. She seemed to jump when Lockhart mentioned her name.
"…But Miss Hermione Granger knew my secret ambition is to rid the world of evil and market my own range of hair-care potions – good girl! In fact…full-marks! Where is Miss Hermione Granger?"
She raised her hand, I noticed it was trembling, and I fought the urge to snicker like Seamus and Dean.
"Excellent!" He beamed. "Beyond excellent! Add ten points to Gryffindor!"
He bent down behind his desk and lifted a large, covered cage onto it.
"Now – be warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizard-kind! You may find yourselves facing your worst fears in this room. Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I'm here. All I ask is that you remain clam."
Although I didn't think much of the man as a professor, he had a way of capturing the room. Dean and Seamus stopped laughing and I could see Neville cowering in his seat.
"I must ask you not to scream," Lockhart said in a low voice. "It might provoke them!"
The whole class seemed to be holding their breath, Lockhart whipped off the cover. And I was dumfounded for a moment.
"Yes," he said dramatically. "Freshly caught Cornish pixies!"
Seamus let out a snort of laughter that even Lockhart could mistake for a scream of terror.
"Yes?" He said pleasantly.
"Well, they're not – they're not very – dangerous are they?"
Dangerous, not necessarily, but they CAN be and tricky and conniving. Lockhart said as much to Seamus. The pixies were electric blue and about eight inches tall with pointed faces and voices so shrill and high pitched it hurt my ears. They had a mischievous look about them, and as soon as their cover was removed, they started zooming around the cage, rattling the bars and making weird faces.
"Right then," Lockhart said loudly.
His hand inched closer to the cage door, surely he wasn't going to…
"Let's see what you make of them,"
He opened the cage, and pandemonium ensued. The pixies shot in every direction, like rockets. Two of them seized Neville by the ears and lifted him into the air. Several shot straight through the window, showering the back row with broken glass. The reset proceeded to wreck the classroom more effective than a rampaging rhino. They grabbed ink bottles and sprayed the class with shredded books and papers, tore pictures from the walls, up-ended the waste basket, grabbed bags and books and threw them out the smashed windows. Within minutes, half the class was sheltering under the desks and poor Neville was swinging from the chandelier. They would've made Peeves proud.
"Come on now – round them up, round them up, they're only pixies!" Lockhart shouted.
He rolled up his sleeves and brandished his wand.
"Peskipiksi Pesternomi!"
I deadpanned, was that even a spell? My question was answered almost instantaneously as it had absolutely no effect. One of the pixies snatched the wand and lobbed it out the window. Lockhart gulped and dived under his own desk, narrowly avoiding being squished by Neville, who fell a second later as the chandelier gave way. I noticed a pair of pixies riding it like a bucking bronco. The bell rang and there was a mad rush towards the exit. In the relative clam that followed, Lockhart straightened up and caught Harry, Ron, Hermione, and I creeping towards the door.
"Well, I'll ask you lot to nip the rest of them back into their cage."
He swept past us and shut the door behind him.
"Can you believe him?" Ron roared as one of the remaining pixies bit him painfully on the ear.
My mood matched Ron's as I froze a few of the pixies and shoved them in the cage.
"He just wants us to have some hand-on experience."
I snorted.
"Hands-on? Hermione, he didn't have a clue what he was doing – '
Hermione looked almost offended at the accusation.
"Rubbish," Said Hermione. "You've read all his books – look at all those amazing things he's done – "
"He says he's done," Ron muttered.
Sighing, I mentally agreed. Something was off and downright fishy about Lockhart.