Chapter 10

I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.

—Augusten Burroughs

October 31st

Susan woke up with a jolt, lying under the comforter, cocooned by the old blue quilt she'd had for forever, feeling hungover, tired, and somehow… sadder than she had been in a long, long time. She had gone to bed with one of her mother's letters (and a larger than necessary glass of whiskey) and it had left her desperate for her family in a way she could never remember feeling before. It was one thing to grow up without her family: a set of parents, maybe some siblings, but she had had Aunt Amelia. And stern as the witch could be, Susan had known nothing but love from her.

This feeling was new, and all the more horrible for it. She had had a long time to deal with her loneliness, her grief. But this was neither. It was a solitary creature, this unattended feeling. Like she could just disappear and no one would notice. And that was new. And scary. And untrue.

She grasped the pillow under her and brought it over her face. She couldn't help remembering nothing but the hole Aunt Amelia had left in her heart, she was a Healer so she knew deep emotions could have physical effects and imagined the organ in her chest, beating slowly, but pictured a giant hole through the middle. The hole that had been torn through her, and never truly healed.

She couldn't help but think of the last time she had seen her Aunt in person. Amelia's usual dark brown hair pulled into a stern knot at the back of her nape, the deep red of the signature Wizengamot robes on, clean and pressed, and her quick hands making an early morning breakfast. Susan had stumbled sleepily down the stairs still used to her school schedule though she had been home for a few weeks already. A summer morning beyond the picture window in the kitchen of the house they used to share.

"Good morning, Susie."

Groaning, it was as if she could feel her Aunt Amelia close, like she could reach out and touch her. And damn... it hurt so badly.

It had been over ten years since Amelia's death, and still, the hole inside Susan where her Aunt had been still felt freshly barren. Like the loss had just happened the day before. Like she had been murdered only yesterday. Fuck.

She didn't have to be a therapist, though she had taken several courses on the occupation, to know the last few months had simply given these feelings more weight. She rolled out of bed, her limbs heavy, and wobbled her way to her desk, collapsing into the hardwood of the usually comfortable desk chair. It wasn't just her limbs that felt heavy. Her face felt like had weights on it, her fingers numb, the pale early morning sunlight creeping across her walls seemed intrusive and made her squint. She lifted her wand and used it to shut the curtains, sighing in jagged relief as the darkness settled over the room, the sunlight chased away.

Damn it all.

The last month had her realizing the extreme lengths of just how lonely she really was. Ron Weasley had opened up that can and released the dragonworms, so to speak. She had hopped right onto the idea that he would date her and that maybe, just maybe, he was the right kind of guy for her. Their immediate attraction had completely blinded her to what was actually going on.

And the latest letter from her Mother did nothing to help. Worry. Her mother had been worried sick at the war and for Susan's father working at the Ministry where safety was no longer guaranteed. Reading the letters just after her own birth had been a experience not easily described. It wasn't like reading a book, that had a definite ending. The letters were just a look into the everyday life of a pregnant housewife. It made Susan sick that she already knew the ending. She was getting so close to the last letter, the dates so close to the final date, and it drove anxiety through her thinking it was almost over. Her parents were long dead, but it felt like their death was just on the horizon.

She laid her head down on the desk and tried not to let it consume her, but everything hurt. Everything. The back of her head, down her neck, into her chest… She took a breath and her lungs screamed. She did it again and again… and it helped a little… Breathing exercises.

She had started them for a reason, in 6th year. When her studies had suddenly become a lot harder, her mind not able to focus… thoughts splintering… like right this instance.

In. In. Out.

It made her think of Ernie Macmillan in 6th year, telling her to take a double inhale and rubbing the back of her neck, comforting her in the Hufflepuff Common Room and later, his wand conjuring bits of sparkles as he tried to make her smile. His face coming in close to hers before blowing a raspberry in her neck, making her shriek. She wondered what the wizard would say to her now if he could see her. After the war, he had moved to an island in the middle of the ocean and snapped his wand in two, cutting off all contact.

She didn't blame him one bit. During the Battle of Hogwarts, Neville Longbottom had saved Susan's life. She had immediately hopped up and ran off to find the next person to help, her healing abilities were raw but she could do something. She had found Ernie bloodied up by the kitchens and healed him when he would have died. Then he had told her she had have let him bleed out.

It took a few minutes, but her lungs finally began to cooperate and the pains shooting through her body lessened a degree.

What do I have to do today?

Work on the pain potion project and do laundry. Don't think about your dead mother.

She did some stretches to help loosen the tightness in her neck and lower back before standing up, straightening her sleep pants from the tangle they were in. She wouldn't just disappear, she swore. And she refused to acknowledge the small part of herself that thought maybe it would be all right if she did somehow disappear from the world. She didn't have family that needed her, but she was important, her job and her life were important. And then just when she thought she wouldn't be able to convince herself, she heard a scratchy tapping at the window. Pushing aside the curtain, she allowed the small, blonde owl to hop through the window and drop a small note on her desk before it took off again, its short wings flapping gently through the morning air.

The note said: Susan, open the door. But in a bubbly font she had come to dread.

After the last time she had seen Ron, and oh did that get her mad and ready for a fight just thinking about that man, she had left and gone to Pansy's house with every intent to scream and curse the witch for interfering in Susan's love life. She had a speech worked out in her head, ready to unleash all the vile words she could think. Like how Susan had enough problems being social, she didn't need any help messing it up. And how she felt Pansy had invaded her privacy. Maybe the witch had a gift, but she actively chose to act on it and butt into Susan's life. In the stories, it is nice to think about Cinderella having a fairy godmother. But Susan wasn't Cinderella, Pansy wasn't a fairy godmother, and this was real life. Susan had every intention of making it clear that Pansy had crossed a line.

But when she lifted her hand to knock on the cottage door, Pansy had appeared with tears streaming down her face and a quick look had showed a worried Neville sitting on the steps to the right of the front entrance.

Pansy had immediately hugged Susan, balling her eyes out, and promising she would never meddle again. The gift of Sight was new to her, she said. She messed up when she thought she was trying to help, she said. And damned if she didn't believe Pansy and her tears.

Susan didn't have the heart to yell at her when she was so obviously distraught. She told Susan that the gift made her feel like it had been happening to her, like the love of her life had just ruined anything that could happen between them, and that only drove Neville to start yelling.

Apparently, Susan had realized that day, Neville was extremely protective over his soulmate and hated it when she even thought he would leave her. They fought briefly, Pansy hiccoughing and Neville growling, before he literally picked up the witch and took her upstairs to their bedroom, the both of them yelling at each other in an oddly affectionate way that made Susan very confused and just the smallest bit jealous. But even worse was that thought, did she ruin any chance at having the love of her life? As Pansy had put it... the witch had said that was what it felt like. And Susan liked that even less.

But since that day, Susan had avoided the witch every chance she could, which she found out was difficult when Pansy had the advantage of literally seeing the future. Pansy wanted to make up for her mistake and prove her friendship, Susan wanted to be left alone and forget all about a wizard named Ron Weasley and the miserable state of her love life.

Now, letter in hand and ache in her head, she walked out of her bedroom not caring that she looked like she had just woken up, because she had, and mad that her life had been so thoroughly invaded by a witch named Pansy Parkinson.

She jerked the door open and crossed her arms defiantly. If she was going to feel like crap, she was going to make them feel the same way.

Them, yes, because Theodore Nott and Pansy Parkinson were leaning casually against the frame like they didn't have a care in the world. They both turned toward her as the door opened and started talking at the same time.

Their words jumbled together until Pansy reached up and slapped a hand across Theodore's mouth. "Shh!"

But the tall wizard shook her off easily. "Now that is just mean, Pansandra."

Anger flashed across Pansy's face. "I told you to stop calling me that!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

They bickered like siblings and even though they had come to her apartment, they ignored Susan completely.

"Um… excuse me! What the hell are you two doing here?" she asked sharply, breaking through their argument. Theodore straightened up and frowned at her tone. His dark slacks and white oxford shirt looked sleek and expensive both, his hands coming to rest in his pockets drawing her eye to his extravagant watch on his left wrist.

Pansy in contrast, was wearing a pair of ripped jeans and a tee shirt that said 'Plants Rule', a picture of two badly drawn sunflowers with smiley faces high-fiving their green leaves together, and a worn pair of sneakers that had mud smeared on the undersides. Her jacket looked comfy and worn, the exact opposite of Theo's attire.

"Susan," she started, her aristocratic voice betraying the image her clothes made. "Won't you let us in? Or even just me, Theo isn't that important."

Theo rolled his eyes so dramatically, his head lifted with the action. "Puuuhh-lease."

"You can't fight the truth," Pansy shrugged with a sympathetic grin.

"Susan, let me in first, I am by far the more attractive and well mannered half of this duo."

"No, no…" Pansy shook her head, face breaking into a huge grin. "Let me in first because I brought you… this…"

And from behind her she pulled out a small bag full of warm, and buttery smelling muffins, the witch smiling up at Susan's surprised face.

"On Dumbledore's beard, that is cheating. I should have thought of bringing a bribe!"

Their banter pushed a reluctant smile across Susan's lips and she found herself stepping aside to let them through.

Theo walked in, leaning in to peck a kiss against her cheek, before shooting off to look at her furniture. His voice, impossibly, got more dramatic as his hands shot out in front of him. "Oh Susan… I love it…"

Pansy shook her head. "I would apologize for him, but there really is no excuse," but then she wrapped her arms around Susan's middle and hugged her tightly, the abrupt motion almost knocking her off her feet.

"You make it hard for me to remain mad you," Susan admitted, returning the hug. She thought, maybe they would eventually get the height difference worked out and then they wouldn't have such an awkward hug. One day.

"That's the point!" she said loudly.

"Don't start yelling at me, I'm having a rotten day." Susan warned, closing the door behind Pansy and grabbing the bag of muffins right from her hands.

"How can your day be so bad already? You just woke up," Pansy pointed out, sitting down in armchair on one side of the coffee table and pulling out her wand to clean the mud off her sneakers.

"How do you know -" Susan was half way through one muffin already when she met Pansy's eyes. "Stop doing that!"

"I can't help it! Fate wants me to fix the mistake I made. I've even started having visions in my sleep about you and Ron!" she exclaimed as Theo sighed.

"I thought we were going to ease into this? She may be a Hufflepuff but she's stubborn when she wants to be," Theo said, gesturing to Susan.

"I am not stubborn. And it isn't your job to fix… whatever this is between Ron and I. I mean, we haven't even been on a single date and it's already too complicated." She realized belatedly that she worded it as if there were still a chance of her going out with Ron. "Too much has happened," she added, though she wasn't sure she was convinced.

But it was true. Susan had had plenty of time to think it over and the more she thought about it, the more it made sense to her. Ron had just been doing what Pansy told him to do, he had come to her apartment and helped her out on Pansy's instructions, what had happened between them had been emotional and even altering, but then she had run from him and he hadn't come looking for her again. And that left her with a question.

"Did you send him to that bookstore? Was that why he was there?" she asked. She had thought about it over and over again, wondering if had all just been set up by Pansy from the get go and now Susan needed to know.

"I didn't have to… I knew you would be there already," the witch admitted, hiding her hands in her face. "And don't stand up, just stay in the chair okay?"

Susan had been on the verge of standing just to kick the witch out of her apartment. "Pansy, you piss me off!"

"I know but I'm a bitch and I always have been, what do you expect?!" she shouted back.

"I expect you not to just pull our strings like some kind of puppet master, I hate how miserable I have been lately. My love life is already a disaster! I did not need you to make it worse!"

"You know, that is the second time you've said that and I'm telling you right now that I didn't make Ron do anything okay? I just suggested it! He still has free will! He choose to come to you! Just because I knew he would doesn't mean he did it for that reason."

"And why is that though? Because you can see the future and you knew it was going to happen so of course he did it. What else was he supposed to do?"

Susan let out a breath and stood slowly from her chair, just waiting for Pansy to make some comment about how she should act, and made her way to the kitchen looking for juice to wash down the muffin and wash away the fight. She brought out a glass and poured herself some of the grapefruit juice and drank the tart drink down, lips puckering at the sour taste.

"Susan," Theo followed her. "You are our friend now. We are nosy and bitchy and meddling and I won't apologize. We both know that Pansy knows you're going to forgive her eventually so you might as well do it now and come out and get a pedicure with us!"

"I can't," she said. "I have too much to do today."

Theo raised a single of his dark eyebrows just as Pansy let out a snort from the living room. Susan slammed her cup down on the counter, ignoring as juice sloshed out of the sides. "I do too have a lot to do today Pansy Parkinson!"

Pansy barged into the kitchen, somehow taking up a lot of space for such a petite witch. "No! You were going to sort your laundry, work on your pain potion research, and be done by 2! Then you're going to wallow in your damn letters just like you have been for the last month! Now you're not! I won't let you!"

Breathing hard through her nose, Susan counted to three. It didn't help, not really. But she sounded calmer than she actually was when she said, "You don't know anything about those private letters. Letters that have absolutely nothing to do with you."

The three stood apart from each other for a silent minute. Susan couldn't imagine sharing such a private thing like the letters with anyone, even knowing that she and Pansy were slowly becoming the kind of friends that stay friends for a long time. Any other time that thought would have made her smile. But she was so mad she could spit. She hadn't told anyone about her Mother's letters. Pansy had seen them, without Susan's permission. She was fighting for more than that, she was fighting for privacy.

The witch let out a wavering breath. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry Susan. But you don't have to be alone anymore."

There was a lot of meaning in that statement. A lot of feeling too, and Susan found herself speechless. Because she really, truly, wasn't alone anymore. Even as she missed Amelia until her heart hurt, even as she read the letters and they subdued her into having mornings like the one she had. She had Ione. She had her job and her amazing team. Looking between Pansy and Theo, she knew she had friends.

"I'm not," she said. And it was true. Then Pansy was hugging her tightly, and this time they had gotten it right. Susan leaned down just enough as Pansy reached up on her tippy toes and they hugged for a long time.

And just went Susan felt like she had forgiven Pansy for meddling, the witch said, "Now go take a shower, because I invited everyone over to your apartment for a Halloween brunch."

"Hey! I thought we were getting pedicures?"

oOoOo

It was the first time so many people had ever been in her apartment, which was spacious enough to not be a problem, but had seldom seen such traffic since Susan had bought the place. Or maybe it was because there were many young Weasley children running around, sugared up on Chocolate Frogs and Cauldron Cakes. She tried to remember who each of them belonged to, the freckled army of redheads (there was only three of them) all looked alike to her until she looked closely.

Then she could see the variations in the shades of red in their hair and the different shapes of their eyes. For instance, Fred Jr. was mixed, but had a smattering of bright red freckles across his face and a head of bright red hair that matched his father's exactly. The oldest of them, a strawberry blonde that was more blonde than strawberry had a few freckles across her face and was the first daughter of the oldest Weasley named Bill, and his wife Fleur that Susan was pleasantly surprised to meet again. They had 2 other children, a boy who looked just like his older sister and followed Fred Jr. around dangerously, and a baby girl just born earlier that year that looked more like the Weasley's side but it was still too soon to tell.

All of this Susan learned in the first 5 minutes after people started showing up. Harry Potter and Ginny came in with Percy, while George, Angelina, and Fleur worked on setting out the food. Bill was on kid duty apparently, though Fleur kept the baby with her. The kids loved Uncle Bill. Percy told her, as he handed over a bottle of champagne, that their other brother was in Romania working as a dragon tamer.

Susan couldn't help but check on Angelina, who looked about 15 months pregnant.

"Any day now," the witch told her, beaming happily.

"Any pain?"

"No but -"

George leaned over towards them. "She farts like an ox, anything she can do for that?"

"He farts just as much as I do, honestly," Angelina said, rolling her eyes.

Pansy and Neville went about, directing the party as they saw fit, as others chatted happily over a spread of breakfast items and mimosas were passed around, pumpkin juice for the children. They moved around like this was a common occurrence, the lot of them coming together on short notice and to a place they hadn't been before... And Susan wondered how she had lost all control of her life, that Pansy was hosting a Halloween brunch from Susan's apartment. And Ron Weasley hadn't showed up.

"Yet." Pansy said, walking by with an plateful of fruit salad and a snarky grin on her face.

Ron Weasley hadn't shown up… yet. But Susan was on the fence about whether or not she wanted him to. She munched on crackers and cheese and fruit until Fred Jr. realized there was a balcony off the end of her kitchen and then she and Bill set up a strong shield around the edge so no one could accidentally fall off. It was chilly, being the end of October, but the kids loved the view and she put a warming charm on the area to ward off the worst of the chills. When there was a hard knock on the door, Susan couldn't help herself from slipping into her bedroom for a moment alone because she had woken up feeling bruised and spent all her energy on dealing with Pansy.

She didn't know if she had anything left to hold back Ron so she busied herself with making her bed, because she hadn't had the time before Pansy dropped the brunch bomb on her. She kicked some trash and empty caramel boxes under her bed and pulled her curtains open to reveal the view of the river.

Then Ione walked in, knocking on the door frame as she did. "Hey Susan girl."

"Ione? Oh I'm so happy you're here!" Susan said as she nearly clobbered the witch in a hug.

"Whoa didn't know I was such a sight for sore eyes."

Susan apologized. "I am just outnumbered," she admitted.

"Ha, ha. I can see that. I had just gotten off shift when your lovely friend managed to get an owl to me, inviting me over. Brunch is my favorite meal of the day so I accepted."

Susan noticed that anything Ione liked even a little bit was her favorite. The woman had a lot to like. "I'm glad you came. I'll try to introduce you to everyone."

"Most of them got around to it already as I made my way to your room, why don't you give me a grand tour instead?"

"Well the best part of my bedroom is the view," she said gesturing to the window and the river below. "But the balcony is pretty great too."

Because her room was still a giant mess so she ushered Ione out to the best of her ability. "And I'll show you the mantle, I think you'll like that the best."

Ione had, just as she predicted, loved Susan's mantle. And the balcony of course. But Ione was a social butterfly and as soon as she had seen the apartment, sat herself down in the middle of the kids and started telling them all a story about a niffler and a lucky knut. With well practiced drama, she used her hands and her voice to bring the story to life so that even the adults had quieted down to listen.

They all listened about Nellie the Niffler's six older brothers and six older sisters and how they all had a tuft of brown fur that stuck up from their heads and were very good at finding hidden treasures. Susan felt as drawn in as the kids looked, so she didn't realize Ron was standing right next to her until he tugged on her hand. Surprise had her following him out onto the balcony.