High Charity (Or I Would Have Come Up With Something Funny To Parody "High Charity", But I Couldn't)
The Master Chief gets aboard the Sazabi, the latter towering over the former on the platform. The mobile suit's scuffed, red, battle-scarred armor plating does little to detract from its appearance - if anything, it seems to add character. Once seated and secured in the Sazabi's cockpit, the Chief scans around the monstrous interior of High Charity, and manages to catch a glimpse of the author's gunship just as it leaves through a newly made hole in the hull. A proximity alert catches the Chief's attention; a gaggle of Banshee fliers suddenly swoop at the Master Chief, their plasma cannons blazing.
The plasma bolts impact against the Sazabi's shield, the Master Chief having brought it up into position. Grinning, the Spartan aims and fires the Sazabi's beam shot-rifle several times, making short work of the Covenant craft.
"All too easy," the Chief murmurs to himself as he lifts off and flies toward the bizarre Forerunner ship that acts as High Charity's power source. The Sazabi merely blocks and shrugs off the attacks by Covenant anti-air batteries, and enemy fighters are merely shot down.
"This is almost too easy."
Suddenly, a familiar, white mobile suit appears, its trademark visage immediately identifying it.
"A Gundam!" Indeed, it is the long-lost RX-78-2 Gundam, which hasn't been seen since the last parody. However, its once-pristince, gleaming, white armor is now darkened by carbon scoring, and the armor itself is in sorry shape. One of the antennae on the Gundam's head seems to have been snapped off, as well.
"ACK! ACK! THPT!" a Flood combat form, wearing an Earth Federation spacesuit, suddenly appears in a small communications window on the Chief's viewscreen. The Flood form's helmet visor has evidently been shattered, leaving its grotesque face exposed for the Master Chief to see. In an instant, the Chief recognized the distorted features of Amuro.
"What the--?" The Chief is unable to finish his question as the connection is abruptly severed.
The Gundam draws its beam rifle and fires at the Sazabi. The Chief rolls out of the way, narrowly avoiding the lance of energy. The Gundam fires follow-up shots, and the Sazabi manages to dodge each one. In a matter of moments, the Gundam's beam rifle is out of energy. In the same instant, the Gundam hurls the depleted beam rifle at the Chief and draws its beam sword. The Sazabi avoids the beam rifle and fires its shotrifle at the oncoming Gundam.
Shrugging off the hail of energy bolts, the white mobile suit raises its beam sword for an overhead strike as it closes in.
Leaving it wide open.
"I have you now," the Master Chief murmurs as he breaks out the Sazabi's own, massive, broad-sword-esque beam saber. The yellow energy blade hisses into existence and the Sazabi strikes.
The Gundam is cleaved in two before it suddenly explodes. The Master Chief doesn't have much time to celebrate as another alarm sounds in his cockpit. A bazooka round slams into the Sazabi's back, throwing the Spartan forward against his restraints. Taking advantage of the three-hundred-and-sixty-degree viewscreen, the Chief spots a pink Zaku II armed with a massive 280mm bazooka.
"Dammit!" the masked pilot of the Zaku screams defensively, "it's not pink! It's salmon!"
"No...it's definitely pink," the Master Chief says.
"Lightish red!"
They have a name for that color, Char. I believe it's "pink."
"SHUT UP, DAMMIT!"
"He has a point," the Chief agrees with the author.
"YOU TOO! SHUT UP!" The Zaku II fires again, but the Sazabi blocks the shot with its shield. "It's not pink! It's not pink! IT'S! NOT! PINK!"
"You're so insecure." The Sazabi flies toward the Zaku II and deploys its complement of small drone guns, otherwise known as "bits". The bits open fire as the Spartan closes the distance, with the Sazabi's massive beam sword in the red mobile suit's metalshod hand. However, the Zaku manages to down a few of the Sazabi's drone guns, and dodges the shots fired by the others. Char's Zaku's mono-eye glows menacingly, as if taking offense to the attack.
"I hope you brought your wallet, 'cos the rent in Hell gets paid in advance!" Char screams as his Zaku II prepares to administer a shoulder-bash.
The Sazabi slices the Zaku II in half, and the halves are blown into scrap by the former's bits. There's a massive, blinding, nuclear explosion, courtesy of the Zaku II's reactor going off. The Master Chief only stares at the blinding light, the Sazabi posing dramatically as it sits in the air on a plume of thrusterfire.
"Chief!" Samus's voice cuts in over his helmet radio, "hurry up! Truth's getting away! His ship is powering up!"
"Wha--?"
Sure enough, the bizarrely-shaped, skeletal craft begins to disengage itself from High Charity's power grid. Samus's oblong, golden gunship flashes past the Sazabi's head as it heads toward the ancient Forerunner ship. Re-orienting the Sazabi, the Chief follows suit. However, as soon as the Forerunner ship has cleared from its former resting place, it opens up a portal into Slipspace.
The Chief was startled by this reckless maneuver, despite the fact that he'd seen it happen once, already. Even so, the Covenant entering Slipspace within Earth's atmosphere was one thing - doing so within their own command ship was definitely something else.
Then again, given the level of Flood activity throughout the Covenant armada, it was better to write off the ship as a loss.
But those idiots were doing it all wrong!
"YOU IDIOTS ARE SUPPOSED TO BLOW THE SHIPS UP IF YOU CAN'T SAVE THEM!" the Chief screams at the top of his lungs. Which would probably be a bad thing to do when you have a sealed helmet that encloses your head. But the Chief is such a badass, it doesn't really affect him. Yeah.
The Chief and Samus follow the Forerunner ship through the Slipspace hole...(disregarding all of the dangers of entering Slipspace in a small craft that were clearly described in the novels)
The space around High Charity is cluttered with even more wreckage than before, Covenant and Imperial, alike. The majestic, battle-scarred battle barges unleash volley after volley of blue-white, man-made lightning, followed up by waves of deadly torpedoes, downing shields and even destroying some of the Covenant ships. Few of the Covenant ships turn their attention to the marauding humans, concentrating on firing upon their former allies for various reasons.
Already, the Flood presence has managed to spread throughout the Covenant armada, and the Elites and Brutes are busy trying to destroy the "desecrated" ships. Despite their efforts, the infestation spreads quickly. For every Covenant ship that is destroyed, two more seem to be subverted by the Flood.
Put simply, it's a catastrophic mess on an unimaginably massive scale. Fortunately, this means that the numbers of Covenant ships are diminishing greatly, reducing the threat to humanity posed by the Covenant. However, that does not reduce the threat posed by the Flood.
The Perdition's Flame lobs its last thermonuclear warhead into the fray, extensive and exhausting calculations being made to ensure that the blast does not severely damage her allies. With that last shot, a female officer - the fleet commander - calmly begins issuing orders. Even while she's doing so, the captains of the vessels acknowledge her orders and begin carrying them out, issuing their own sets of orders.
"All ships, advance and engage the enemy. Mobile suit teams Delta, Omega, and Theta, you are clear to engage. I want Phi team to stay with the Flame and guard it. Gamma team, stand by and prepare for immediate launch. Destroyer group Bravo, follow them in. Destroyer group Alpha, I want you to split into two subgroups and assign one to guard the Flame. The other subgroup is to follow Bravo. All hands, stay on the alert for enemy boarding actions. Initiate lockdown sequence, and secure the cloning chambers - seal all bulkheads."
With the huge, rotund carriers flanking her on either side, the Flame's rear thrusters ignite, moving the ship forward through the vacuum, her six point-defense turrets swiveling about on their mounts and scanning the immediate space around the mothership. The carriers follow suit, their own defense turrets blasting apart any stray Seraph fighters that wander within range.
Half-a-dozen of the smaller, bulky destroyers advance ahead, following the nine ZGMF1017 GINN mobile suits leading the charge. Like winged angels of death, the cyan-and-grey mobile suits wreak havoc upon the Covenant ships, evading plasma torpedoes and energy beams with little effort. The GINNs armed with assault rifles draw their swords and destroy any Seraph fighters they happen across. The GINNs armed with the massive, recoil-less rifles concentrate on hammering away at the capitol ships, keeping the ship gunners busy with their maneuverability.
In short order, the destroyers catch up and join the fray, their ion beams raking through the Covenant formations and decimating them. A flurry of guided missiles belch from the ships' dorsal-mounted missile turrets, pounding away at the Covenant ship hulls. Their point-defense turrets blaze away, spitting fiery red plasma against any unfriendly vessels within range.
The author appears in a flash of light aboard the Perdition's Flame, before a holographic projection system at the center of the command ship's war room. He watches the battle intently as a middle-aged woman - the commander - approaches him. He turns and nods at the high-ranking officer respectfully, bowing slightly as he does so.
"What is your status, Vice-Admiral Meredith?"
"Author," the blonde officer nods. "The battle goes well. Our mobile suit teams have engaged, except for five that we hold in reserve, and our destroyers have just made contact. We are closing in at best speed. Many of the Covenant ships have already been destroyed."
"We must ensure that the Flood do not escape. We must burn every last Covenant ship, and we must ensure that no Flood survive within the wreckage."
"We'll do our best."
The author fixes her with a stare, "make sure you do. Or we will be partly responsible for unleashing something upon the sector that rivals The Beast, in terms of devastation." The Vice-Admiral gulps and nods. "By the way...while you are cleaning up here, I would like to take a detachment of ships back to the Sol system..."
"What do you need?"
"A carrier, with a full complement of Acolytes and GINNs, and a pair of destroyers should do."
"Expecting some heavy fighting?" the admiral asks, half-jokingly. The author does not reply. Meredith sighs at his silence, "I think we can spare that. It just might take more time to clean-up around here, but we'll just have to make do."
"Thank you, Admiral," he replies sincerely, bowing his head. "If there's anything..."
She waves her hand dismissively, "don't worry about it. I'm just glad you're letting us keep the mobile suits and the other technology - Kiith Somtaaw will definitely need them to fight off the Taiidani Imperialists and Turanic Raiders."
"And to compete with your fellow Hiigarans," the author dryly points out.
"The Kiith'sa of Nabaal will definitely soil himself when he sees these," Meredith grins as she gestures to the holographic representations of the GINNs flitting in and about the Covenant fleet. "If anything, I think we owe you."
"Even trade," the author shakes his head. "I provide the tech, you lend me the resources and the manpower." The author checks his chrono and nods. "I must go, Vice-Admiral. I'll be in touch." With that, the author teleports out in an incandescent flash of blinding light. The Vice-Admiral contacts one of the carrier captains to make the necessary arrangements, "Captain Sobel? Yes, the Author--good. Follow his orders to the letter. Understood?"
With that, the connection terminates and the officer returns her attention to the holographic displays. After a few moments, one of the carriers and a pair of destroyers jump into hyperspace.
"Good luck," the Vice-Admiral murmurs quietly, to no one in particular.
Over Earth, the remnants of the Covenant fleet continue to kick the crap out of the UNSC fleet for some inexplicable reason. Oh right, their supposed "technological superiority." Mobile suits pepper the Covenant ships with apparently ineffective fire, managing to dodge the plasma weapons being fired at them.
Admiral Hood is still in the command center of the Cairo, growling and roaring orders over the blaring of the station's klaxons. Wounded marines lay on the deck, clutching their wounds and/or screaming at the tops of their lungs. At Hood's feet lay several discarded popcorn boxes, along with an empty pizza box.
"Keep firing! Shore up the defenses and don't let those Covenant bastards advance another millimeter! Swab the poop deck! Water my cat! Walk my dog! Someone get me a goddamned Hot Pocket!"
"Sir," one of the techs report, "unidentified ship has just exited Slipspace and is headed towards Earth!" The bizarre Forerunner ship passes through the glowing, green portal of light, followed by the Sazabi and Samus's gunship. "Correction! Two unidentified ships and the Master Chief!"
"Don't interrupt me, Ensign! Now fetch me a Hot Pocket! None of the pansy-assed Lean Pocket crap, either! I want lots and lots of cheese to clog up my circulatory system!"
"Sir, incoming transmission!"
"What did I just say about interrupting me?" Hood indignantly demands, thrusting his finger at the technician.
"It's the Master Chief!"
"What? Put that slacker on the line! Master Chief, what the hell are you doing?"
"Sir," the Chief's gravelly voice replies, "finishing this fight, sir!"
"Goddammit, Chief! I thought you killed Chuck Norris! He's ass-raping our defenses and stealing our Hot Pockets!"
"What?"
On cue, Chuck Norris appears, flying in Wing Gundam Zero. The Gundam flies into the Sazabi's path, causing the Chief to cry out and veer away. Turning to face Wing Zero, the Sazabi draws a bead on the winged Gundam formerly piloted by a suicidal, psychopathic pretty-boy that acted like a friggin' cyborg. Now, said winged Gundam is piloted by insanely powerful, bad-assed, martial arts
"John," Chuck Norris's gloating visage appears in a vid-link window on the Chief's heads-up display screen, "welcome back! I've missed you!"
"Impossible!" the Chief gasps, "I thought I--!"
Suddenly, the screen goes blank and the following appears in large, bold, white text: OMIGAWDTHEFANFICISOVERHOWLAMEISTHAT?
"DAMN YOU, BUNGIE!" the author screams at the top of his lungs, standing up in the screening room, clad in white Phase One Clone Trooper armor and with DC15 blaster carbine in hand. Samus, Delta Squad, and the Master Chief - all without armor - stare at the author with bewildered expressions on their faces.
"That was lame," George Lucas comments. The author rolls his eyes behind his helmet faceshield, muttering "better'n Revenge of the Sith" under his breath.
"STUFFU, NOOB! REVENGE OF TEH SITH AM BESTEST MOVIE EVAR!!!"
"C'mon, that movie was lame!" Scorch shakes his head, "I mean...the Clone Troopers being turned against the Jedi? What kind crap is that?"
"The Clones were all genetically modified to be docile and to accept orders," Lucas says sagely while holding up his index finger. "They're not capable of thinking that much, after all."
"But--but--LAME!!" Scorch sputters. Fixer pats his "brother" on the shoulder, "don't worry about it, Six-Two."
"This was a bust," Samus sighs before looking up at the Chief with mischievous, blue eyes, "so where d'ya wanna go, now, big guy?"
"I dunno. Let's go have hawtt, gratuitous, sweaty seckz!" Without a second's hesitation, Samus grabs the Master Chief and hauls him out of the screening room so fast, she kicks up a considerable amount of dust, leaving everyone else blinking and rubbing their eyes.
Exchanging shrugs, the author and the Republic Commandos get up and leave the screening room. Now alone, Lucas rubs his hands together, "Indiana Jones 4 is gonna be the bestest movie evar!"
The End?
Author's Note: Oh yeah. That just went downhill, didn't it? If anyone wasn't perceptive enough to tell, I was sort of running out of ideas. So I kind of pulled stuff out of my ass. Yeah, I don't think I'm going to have an extra bonus chapter. I'm pretty much done with this parody. So now, I guess I'll start fleshing out some serious fan fics. I've already got a basic idea, but I'm still having trouble deciding what sort of subplots I want to have, and how the characters are affected - and their relationships, and stuff. We'll see. Blah.
Anyway, to whoever bothered reading this parody, I hope it had some redeeming entertainment value. I had a tough time with both this parody and the previous one because I'm not used to writing in the present tense. So, yeah.
Anyway, keep an eye out for my future works...
Tiger Tank