CHAPTER 10

Elrond tapped lightly but when he received no reply he opened the door slowly and peered around it. Celebrian had not heard him, where she sat lost in her thoughts on the balcony of her room.

Feeling like an intruder in a stranger's room rather than a husband in his wife's bedroom, Elrond tried to make as much noise as possible as he closed the distance between them, in order to give her prior warning of his presence. She looked up as he cleared his throat at the threshold of the balcony door. Feeling she had no words to share, Celebrian waited for him to speak first.

"Elladan waits in the hallway. At a word from me he will ride out to his brother and tell him that you have changed your mind." Elrond searched her face hopefully.

"And will you give that word?" Celebrian replied, leaning back into the heaped cushions of her chair with a sigh.

"That will depend on whether you change your mind about taking ship. Why did you not tell me of your decision? Our son was forced to feel that he was betraying a trust by coming to me." He settled upon the low balustrade, making a conscious effort to push away anger. Celebrian was not normally the sort of person to try and cause mischief.

Bending to fasten off a stray thread on her embroidery, Celebrian replied. "Elrohir volunteered to take the message. I did not force him, nor did I swear him or his brother to secrecy. I did not tell you because I did not want to have this conversation." Celebrian sighed. "But it would seem that I am destined to have it after all."

"Of course you were destined to have it. Did you really believe that I would just allow you to leave? I need to explain . . . about . . . about last night." The sentence had begun in an angry tone but had petered out into apology . . . as it always did nowadays, Elrond mused.

His wife brought silver blue eyes to bear on him and Elrond shuddered at the weariness he saw contained within them. "Oh, I do not blame you but I am tired of treading this lonely road, Elrond. You once said that we were joined and what one suffered so did the other, and it would seem that those words are truer than either of us realised at the time. We both need to find healing."

Elrond blinked back tears, unprepared for her forgiveness. "Give me a little time. I will contact your parents. Perhaps someone can be found to take responsibility for Vilya and then we can travel to the West together," he pleaded.

Celebrian shook her head sadly. "If there is one thing I have learned about the rings of power, it is that they choose their bearer, not the other way around. Vilya chose you and it will stay with you . . . unless it has already told you of another?" she added, hopefully.

Pinching the bridge of his nose between finger and thumb and closing his eyes, Elrond's shoulders sagged and Celebrian let her own eyes drop to the half-finished embroidery in her lap once more.

"I thought not. It would seem that we are destined to walk separate roads then." She picked up her needle, preparing to thread it with a bright blue silk. "You may send Elladan to find his brother if you wish, but our roads have diverged and I am not certain that they will ever draw back together again on this side of the sea. At least in the West I will have some hope of healing. I will not find it here."

Elrond's mind recognised the logic of her words but his heart sundered, producing an inner anguished wail that he suspected could be heard all the way to Lothlorien. Outwardly, he let his hand fall to rest on the lichen-encrusted wall and pushed himself wearily upwards.

"I will tell Elladan to saddle his horse to tell his brother that I will make arrangements for someone of our household to travel with you on the ship." He left the room without a backward glance.

Celebrian gave up all pretence of threading the needle for she could not see its eye through the tears misting her own.

0o0

It was a small party that travelled to the Grey Havens the following day . . . Celebrian, Elrond, the three children and three others of their household who had offered to travel to the West with her. Despite much physical healing, Elrond was fearful that the long sea journey would cause a relapse in his wife and a friend and healer, Aldon, and his family had offered their services as companions.

The journey to the Grey Havens was not long but it seemed that way, due largely to the silence. All about them, as they travelled, the last flowers of summer were beginning to fade but in Imladris, already the leaves were turning to gold. Its summer was gone and to the children of Celebrian and Elrond it seemed it would never return again.

All was now loaded on the large white ship and a small knot of relatives and friends stood and waved to those already on board. The twins had said their goodbyes to their mother and friends, and now stood a little way off, hand in hand and stone faced, as their younger sister made her farewell.

Celebrian pushed her daughter away at last and held her shoulders, looking deep into her eyes.

"You will be the Lady of Imladris now." She reached down to her belt and unhooked a small pouch. "Here are the keys that you will need as chatelaine."

Arwen hesitated a moment then accepted them gravely and her tears resumed. "Please do not go Ammi. Whatever has come between you and Ada . . . surely it can be fixed? We love you"

Gentle fingertips covered her mouth and Celebrian shook her head. "Sometimes love is not enough, my child. I need to find healing that you cannot give. And one day we may be together again." Her fingers moved to brush the tears from her daughter's cheeks.

Arwen looked up, pleading in her voice. "Then let me come with you. I am not needed here." She fell back into her mother's arms and Celebrian staggered a little under the force of her daughter's clinging embrace.

"Oh Arwen, my child. You may think that you are ready to travel to the West but I know that you are not. Trust me in this. And anyway, who says that you are not needed?" Celebrian disentangled herself and smiled.

"It is now your duty to look after your father and brothers. They do need looking after, you know. Your brothers are far too impetuous and need someone around them who has both feet firmly on the ground. And your father will forget to eat if the plate is not set down on the page in front of him." She glanced over to where Elrond waited, a granite sentinel by the gangplank.

"Come now. Do not be so sad. There is still so much of Middle earth that you have not seen. I want you to promise me that you will live your life to the full here before you even consider travelling to the West." She kissed Arwen's brow. "Promise me."

Arwen looked up, taking a small step back. "I promise." But the words were flat and, at a nod from Celebrian the twins stepped forward and ushered their sister away.

Slipping a hand beneath her elbow, Elrond helped his wife step onto the gangplank but there she stopped.

His tightly controlled voice found her ears . . . only slightly louder than the small waves that sloshed against the grey stone of the dock. "I am sorry." Those hated words again. The hand he had used to help her fell listlessly to his side.

"I know you are, my love." Celebrian sighed and laid a soft hand tentatively upon his chest.

Elrond's brow creased. "There is yet time. I could speak to Cirdan and Galadriel and we could travel together," he said, hopefully. It was his final attempt and it was half hearted for they both knew what the answer must be.

Celebrian's hand stroked the soft leather of his jerkin. "We have already spoken of this. You cannot take Vilya to the West. It is needed here as long as the other is not found. And no-one has come forward to take your place as ringbearer."

Elrond's eyes misted with unshed tears and he clenched his hands . . . voice cracking. "And so duty binds me yet again. Always we return to duty."

Celebrian reached out and took his right hand in hers, bringing it to her lips and unfurling the fingers . . . kissing the palm softly, then the finger with his golden wedding band, and finally her lips brushed the soft metal of the sapphire ring that her eyes could not see upon his third finger.

"I would have you no other way. You are still the Elrond that I loved and married . . . and despite all that now stands between us, I love you still."

"No," he replied firmly. "That Elrond is gone. You changed him. He was locked away in his pain and anger and you threw open the door and let in the sun."

Elrond ducked his head to hide his tears but his wife slipped fingers beneath his chin and lifted his face to hers. She moved her hand to brush a wind-whipped strand of raven hair from his cheek and smiled.

"Then, do not lock the door again. Live in the sunlight, not the shadows . . . and one day perhaps, we will meet again."

"But will you find the healing you seek? If you could not be healed by those who love you so deeply how can you be healed by strangers?"

Celebrian's words fell like ice in his heart, even though they were kindly said. "Perhaps only strangers can heal me. How can you hope to make me whole when you are not whole yourself?" Letting go, she took a couple of steps along the gangplank then turned. "When you come to the West look for me on the shore. If I am whole, the Celebrian you wed will meet you at the dock."

He watched her take the final steps to the ship and into the arms of her travelling companions. Unable to hold back her tears any longer she fell against them, burying her face in her friend's shoulder and Elrond had to will his feet to remain on the dock. Instructions were called and the plank was drawn up. Cables were loosed, the anchor raised, sails were unfurled and the grey ship pulled out into the firth.

Elrond stood watching until his eyes could no longer pick out the ship in the distance and then Arwen turned him about and lead him back to their waiting horses. Although all three of his children wept bitterly on the way home, Elrond sat upright and dry eyed. How could he live in the sun? His sun had just sailed away across the sea and he may never bask in the warmth of her golden light again.

His children never saw their father cry again in all his remaining years in Middle earth, but back in Imladris the leaves began to fall, damming some of the smaller streams that had laughed and tripped through the valley, until they formed small melancholy pools of still, clear water.