"I'm so sorry, mom," Sebastian finally said after sitting in silence for a while. He also noticed how the sun had begun to set outside and he realized that maybe this story of his father and mother might be longer than he had initially thought.
"My life hasn't always been easy," Elena responded, "I hope you won't start think less of me now that you've heard about this," she chuckled lightly, although there was a certain heaviness in her voice as if she was truly worried about her son's reaction.
Sebastian considered her words for a second before answering. The truth was that he couldn't even imagine what his mother had went through and it that sense he couldn't relate to her. But he could understand. He could understand that a person could be driven so far in their misery that they'll finally see no way out of it. "I would never think less of you, mom. No matter what's in your past," Sebastian said with a gentle smile so much like his father's.
"Thank you," Elena whispered, turning the pages of Stefan's diary, letting her eyes rest on the words. She remembered how she used to tease him for writing absolutely everything down, but after some time she got used to it. It was a part of him she would never have changed and now she had a part of him - a part of his thoughts she could never give their son by herself. Maybe Stefan had known unconsciously that someday they will read his journal and maybe he hoped that they'll feel like he had never left their side. At least that was what Elena liked to think.
Reading the words Stefan had written down for the first time after his death was easier than Elena had thought. She had guessed that reliving every event would leave her crippled worse than ever, worse even than after the accident with her parents. The only reason for her to endure was sitting right next to her, a living, breathing reminder that she'll always have someone to live for. Elena looked at her son and smiled involuntarily, thinking back to the night she laid eyes on him for the first time.
"What?" Sebastian asked when he finally noticed Elena staring at him.
The sound of his voice broke her reverie and she quickly shook her head, "Nothing, sorry," she mumbled, a bit embarrassed for herself.
"I don't think you'll be able to finish your story tonight," Sebastian noted, glancing at the clock sitting on the mantelpiece, ticking time relentlessly away.
"There isn't much left to the story, I think," Elena said thoughtfully, before continuing "Stefan made life worth living for and after that day everything just got better."
"Did you ever tell your friends what you told Dad?"
"Yes," Elena sighed, "Stefan made me because he thought that it would help me. He was right, as always…"
Elena wanted to scream, wanted to run, wanted to hide. Anything but this - confessing to her friends turned out to be harder than she had imagined. Caroline and Bonnie were sitting opposite of her, their faces full of expectation since Elena had called them to her place for lunch, but of course they knew that she had something else planned.
Stefan took Elena's hand under the table and gave it a light squeeze, making her know that he is there for her.
"Um, guys?" Caroline couldn't take the silence anymore, "I can see that you two have something to tell us, but if you're going to ogle each other for a minute longer I might puke."
Elena laughed nervously, like she always did when she tried to hide her thoughts.
"Are you pregnant?" Caroline asked with a raise of her eyebrow, "You can tell us guys, we won't judge."
Elena felt Stefan stiffening beside her and a quick glance at him confirmed that Stefan looked like he is going to be sick.
"No," Elena frowned at Caroline, "Why would you even think of such a thing?"
Bonnie beat Caroline to the punch, "Because you two look like you've got a huge secret and we've been sitting her for half an hour by now waiting for you to say something, but all we've got is silence."
"What she said," Caroline agreed with a smirk. "So, you're not pregnant?" she asked again.
"NO!" Elena said a bit louder, getting annoyed with her friends for even thinking of that.
Caroline pursed her lips and exchanged dubious glances with Bonnie, "Too bad, your children would look absolutely gorgeous and you know I'd make a superb aunt." She flashed a brilliant smile at Stefan and then at Elena who was still trying to understand how the conversation had turned out to be about babies.
"I can assure you that Elena's not pregnant," Stefan finally managed to choke out with great effort. He seemed extremely uncomfortable surrounded by Elena's controlling friends and Elena wished that she wouldn't need him so bad beside her for support, so she could let him go, but she also knew that if he left her alone to talk about her past to Bonnie and Caroline she would broke down and that was something she didn't want to do.
"If you're not pregnant, then what?" Bonnie asked suspiciously, "I can see that there's something you want to tell us."
Elena looked at Stefan who nodded slightly, she knew that she had to tell them or else it would eat her from inside.
"I..." Elena began hesitantly, her voice wavering. Words seemed to escape her, hide from her because she couldn't continue.
"It's okay, Lena." Stefan whispered when she looked at him for help. From the corner of her eyes she could see how Bonnie and Caroline both simultaneously flinched at the sound of her nickname.
"Elena?" Bonnie asked worriedly, picking up the tense atmosphere in the room.
Elena took a big breath trying to suppress all the emotions surging through her body; she didn't know how her friends would react and that was what scared her the most.
"After the accident with my parents..." Elena whispered, looking down at her and Stefan's intertwined hands, "I got extremely depressed."
"Oh, Elena, we know that," Caroline's gentle voice said and Elena's head snapped instantly up. They know?
"What exactly do you know?" she asked, terrified that they already knew about what she was going to tell them.
"We know you were depressed... We tried to be there for you but you wouldn't let us," Bonnie answered, "Your aunt Jenna told us that you got prescribed some strong antidepressants and after that, things seemed to get better. We got you back."
Elena listened to Bonnie talk of it like it was a very bad memory, but for her it was something still very real. She didn't know that Jenna had talked to her friends and she had no idea how much information her aunt had given them.
Elena fell silent after listening to Caroline and Bonnie talk about her. It was strange for Elena to hear about her past through other people's eyes because she had always avoided hearing and talking about it.
"Elena?" Bonnie's worried voice cut through her thoughts and she felt three pairs of eyes on her. Elena took a deep breath and felt a current of strength pulsate through her body. She wasn't exactly ready to tell them, but she knew that this was something that would allow her to get rid at least some of the ugly past she would rather forget.
"I need to tell you something," Elena said quietly, stealing a glance from Stefan who nodded encouragingly. She felt Caroline and Bonnie's intense stares cut through her like she was made of something extremely soft and it caused her to shudder in anticipation of what was coming.
Elena was scared out of her mind.
"I'm sorry guys that I didn't tell you sooner," Elena whispered, feeling the sting of tears behind her eyes.
"Tell us what, Elena?" Caroline asked with evident fear in her voice.
Elena closed her eyes and forced her mouth to form words, "I tried to kill myself," she said, the end of the sentence so quiet that she could barely hear herself.
There was complete silence in the room as the words she had just spoken sank in.
Caroline laughed nervously, "What?"
Elena opened her eyes and saw Bonnie and Caroline looking at her with expressions of horror and sadness. From the corner of her eye she could see that Stefan, too, was looking at her, but for the complete opposite reason; he was looking out for her, making sure that she would be okay.
"Why?" Bonnie asked with a trembling voice, encasing all the questions she must have had into one simple word.
Stefan, Elena, Bonnie and Caroline sat there for hours. Elena tried her best to explain everything to her friends and although she could see that they didn't completely understand her, she was relieved to know that she hadn't lost their friendship because of that. Maybe it even got stronger.
Stefan was there for Elena the whole time, he rarely said a word but let Elena tell her own story in her own time, hoping that his presence would be enough for her as was her presence enough for him. He could visibly see how with each word the burden on Elena's shoulders lessened, she sat up slightly straighter and the fire in her eyes burned with a bit more heat. He knew that it would take time for her to finally accept everything that had happened in her life, but he was certain that she would fight through everything that life threw in her way, because she was strong and no matter how much she denied it, Stefan could clearly see that about her.
And he knew that he would always be there for her.
Happy new year my lovelies! I hope yours started better than mine did...
Anyways, I went through some of the previous chapters and cringed at all the mistakes I've made... *shudders* Some words I've got mixed up have changed the whole meanings of some sentences, I fixed those I spotted, but I'm certain that there are more haha. Hope you'll forgive me lol
I can't make any promises when I'm going to update again, but I'll try my best