SM Owns. Not me. Sad but true.
HippieStarr and PrettyKittyff are my awesome pre-readers.
GropeWorthyCullen hasn't beta'd yet, but I like to post. So I am posting.
Chapter 9: Stop and Stare
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
-One Republic
BPOV
I can't even see him off properly. I can't go to the gate. I can't go through security, not without a ticket. I had a ticket, to go home, but I need to start working if I want to keep my apartment. Renee is less than pleased with me. It's not as if she is willing to send me the extra money. Things are always tight with her, always a struggle since Dad died. Yet, she is always buying something new. Furniture, clothes, remolding something, and I can't forget the new car she purchased. She doesn't want to give up those wants for my needs.
She hasn't always been the most selfless mother. Another reason I don't make it home much for visits. Why I left for Seattle without a second thought. Charlie took care of me. I know she cares, she just doesn't know how to look past herself most of the time to do it right.
She's the least of my problems.
Emmett gives Edward a quick one armed hug. "Watch out of her, dude." I hear him ask. I don't think I was meant to hear, but it causes tears to well in my eyes. I didn't want to cry.
"I will, man. Love ya, Bro," Edward tells him, and my heart swells that Edward would do that for Emmett. Not for me. I would have told Emmett that I was fine, not to ask anyone. But he cared enough to do that, and Edward cared enough to say yes. These are things about the Cullen's that I love. They are a family. Everyone cares. They do things because they want to... not because they need to , or will be getting something in return. IIt's that way with Renee.
I brush away the traitorous tear that I promised wouldn't escape. He is holding my hands in his, with his duffel bag over his shoulder. People are walking around us, because I won't let him go through the metal detector yet. We stood in line for him, and now it's his turn, I won't let him move. People are huffing and being impatient. I don't care.
He already said goodbye to his parents and Elise. Edward and I are the ones that brought him to the airport today. D day, this time it's departure day. It came no matter how hard I wished it wouldn't.
"Look at it this way, it's one day closer to when I will be home," he tells me leaning his forehead against mine.
I nod against it, two, three, four, I lose count of the tears. I can't even speak.
"I love you," he tells me, tilting my head up to his to look in his crystal blue eyes.
A nod is all I can muster. Edward is off to the side, trying to be respectful he looks uncomfortable, like he is imposing on a private moment. Most of the people hurrying past us are already intruding. I run my fingers along the scruff he has grown.
He kisses my lips. He tells me it will be okay. He makes promises to me. Somehow I manage an I love you. I watch him walk away. The sight of him walking away, makes me sob. I hold it back, and it hurts. My hand covers my mouth as I try to hide the choked sobs.
I feel a hand on my shoulder. When I turn around it's Edward. He pulls me toward him, and hugs me tight, letting me just cry, cry the way I have wanted to all week . I didn't cry though, i didn't want to burden Emmett.
Edward keeps his arm around me as he leads me out, guiding me through the maze of people. He doesn't say a word. The car ride back to my apartment is silent.
When he pulls up along the curb, I go to get out. "Thanks," I whisper.
"Do...Do you...I don't know, want some company or something? I mean we could like go get a bite to eat or something if you didn't want to be alone," he offers.
"I don't have much of an appetite right now, thank you though. I know Emmett said to watch out for me, but you don't need to." I offer him.
"That's...that isn't what I'm doing, Bella," he tells me. "I could use the company myself."
I nod. I still don't want to eat. I feel like my stomach is twisted in knots.
"Drinks? I mean I know it's only noon, but it's been a rough day. We can do our own little pub crawl," he laughs.
"I could use a drink...definitely use a drink...or ten. Whatever," I tell him.
"Alright then, let's go," Edward smiles at me. He pulls back into the traffic and starts down the busy road.
"Were to?" I ask.
"Houseboat."
"Why there?"
"Because, I have plenty of booze, I know the water calms you, and I don't have to worry about getting home," he explains.
"Good thinking," I tell him with a small smile. "Wait what about getting me home?"
"You've stayed over before, you can stay over again if we get tanked," he shrugs.
I don't know why, but I feel my heart flutter that he thought of surrounding me with the water. I didn't even know he paid that much attention to what I liked, let alone what calms me.
Six shots, five beers, and two hours later, Edward and I are pretty messed up.
"I need food," I slur. Drinking on an empty stomach was not the best idea.
"What ya want?"
"What ya got?"
"Anything you want."
I feel my face heat because he is flirting with me. It's like he has two modes ass and flirt.
"Order in pizza?" I suggest.
"Sounds like a plan to me." Edward pulls out his cell phone and calls the pizza place around the corner. I don't know how he knows I love Hawaiian pizza, but that is what he orders.
"I'm sorry, I didn't even ask if that was okay," he says once he hangs up.
"It's fine, I love Hawaiian," I assure him.
I want to go outside. I stand up off the couch and sway. Edward reaches out to steady me, but he isn't stable enough, and we clumsily try to catch ourselves. It's no use.
He ends up on top of me. Hovering. "Sorry," I tell him, as he stares at me. It's a little creepy. "What? Is there something on my face?" I ask.
"No. No," he assures me, but makes no move to remove himself. "You didn't get hurt did you?"
"I don't think so," I almost whisper. I notice a scar under his jaw, through the little bit of scruff he has. I don't know why but I run my finger along the white jagged line.
"Skateboarding," he tells me, "I was going down some steps and slammed into the metal railing. Lost a tooth. Only eight stitches. The dentist came and got my tooth back in before the root died."
I nod. I pull down my shirt, and show him the scar I have right below my collarbone. His fingers do the same. "Missed a jump and lucky me, landed on a nail that Jake didn't bother to fix on his ramp, sliced me open, pretty bad."
Edward's finger trails up my neck and across my jaw line. I can feel his breath on my face, and I know I should be asking him to move, I don't know why the words are lodged in my throat.
"I don't think this is what Emmett had in mind when he asked me to watch out for you," Edward says, pushing up off the ground.
He reaches down, and I take his hand. He pulls me to my feet, I still sway a little.
Out of nowhere, I am overcome with the most debilitating sadness. Tears pour down my face in buckets. I shake my head completely embarrassed by my emotional outburst.
Edward's eye's are wide. "Um. I did-didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," Edward struggles to apologize, for what, I don't know. I shake my head at him. I try to blubber out that it isn't him.
"I-I-I...I don't know what's wrong! I'm so-so-sorry!" I don't know if he understands me. He keeps reaching for me and pulling away, unsure of whether or not to hug the crying girl. "It's not you," I finally sob out, remembering he said something about making me feel uncomfortable.
"I guess...I just miss Emmett!" I practically wail. His arm goes around my shoulder with uncertainty.
"Shhh, it will be okay, spaz," Edward tells me, and I can't help but to laugh through the tears.
He leads me outside, and lights a smoke for me. I keep telling him how sorry I am, how I feel like an idiot for having some emotional breakdown in front of him.
Maybe just his name being said sent me off, I make Edward promise not to talk about him the rest of the day.
"Anything, just don't cry on me, anymore," he smirks at me. He is just trying to lighten the mood with his humor. For once I welcome it.
It isn't much later that I pass out.
That night, I wake up with cotton mouth, a pounding headache, and the unsettling feeling of needing to purge in the second bedroom of the houseboat.
I rush to the bathroom and my head finds the cold porcelain just in time. I hate the sounds that result from throwing up. The gagging, the splashing. It makes me heave again.
Hands are pulling my hair away from my face gently. They are rubbing soothing circles on my back.
Edward hands me a wet wash cloth, I wipe my face. "Thanks," I croak, flushing the toilet. I can't get up. I don't want to get up. This is how people end up asleep on the bathroom floor. It's fine with me.
"Want to go back to bed?" he asks me.
"I need to smoke," I tell him, as he helps me off the floor. I was liking the fuzzy rug. I turn to throw up again just thinking about the gross crap that must be on that fuzzy rug.
Edward pulls my hair again, and laughs. I don't have the energy to yell at him for finding pleasure in my pain.
Why did I think getting trashed would make me feel better? Now all I feel is the ache of Emmett's absence and hungover. Stupid Edward.
"This is all your fault," I whine coming to my feet again. I rinse my mouth in at the sink and steal some mouth wash to swish around in my mouth.
"My fault? I didn't hold you down and pour the shots down your throat," Edward defends himself.
"What time is it?" I ask him.
"Um, like eight. Why?"
"Emmett is supposed to call before lights out or whatever. I just don't want to miss it."
I take my time going down the steps, still a little unsteady on my feet. I haven't woken up drunk many times. It's college. I can get away with this crap.
I slide the door open to walk onto the deck above the water. There is a cool breeze, but it's warm. I sit on the edge, and let my feet dangle over, grazing the water as I lit my smoke.
I hear the door click shut behind me and Edward takes a seat next to me crossing his legs like a pretzel.
He doesn't light his own, we share mine in silence.
"Think it's possible Emmett is looking at the moon right now?" I ask after a few minutes, as I stare up at the crescent moon.
"He could be," Edward exhales some smoke.
"Makes me feel a little closer to him...is that weird?"
"Nah."
"I mean it's not like he is so far away that we don't share the same moon...the same stars...the same sun..." I trail off.
"Don't get all gooey with me talking about Emmett. I might have to rethink my friendship this summer. And that would suck, since I told him I'd Bellasit for him."
"Wait. What friendship? Bellasit? Should I be honored to be considered your friend? And I don't need a babysitter." I puff.
"Don't go getting your panties in a bunch. Emmett just wants to make sure you are okay, that's all. It's like...brother code. And yeah you should feel honored to be in the Edward Cullen circle of friends."
I slap his chest playfully, we both laugh.
My phone starts to ring, and I hand the cigarette off to Edward. I glance down, and it's Emmett. I smile huge accepting the call.
"Hey," I breath out, relief washes over me when I hear his voice.
"Beautiful Bella." That is all he has to say, and I forget where I am. I forget about Edward. I forget about my headache, and upset stomach. Everything is just...perfect.
I stand up and pace the deck, because I can feel butterflies in my stomach and the adrenaline is pumping through my veins.
Emmett tells me a little about San Diego. About the sun. The beach. He saw the ocean, but only passing by, but he thought of me. He says that out of all the guys who have girls waiting for them back home, I am by far the hottest. I laugh.
"I'm not just saying that B, the single guys voted, if they could steal one of our girls, they'd steal mine." he tells me, how he brought a few pictures of us from his Fathers birthday party, how pretty I looked that night.
We don't talk long. But what we say could fill a lifetime. I love you's end the call, and I sink back on the edge of the deck. Fulfilled.
A wide smile. Edward is looking in his lap. He looks up and meets my eyes. He smiles at me, but it's not sincere.
EPOV
Isabella Swan is going to be the death of me. I would like nothing more than to drop her off at her apartment and never see her again.
Not because I can't stand her. No, the complete opposite.
There is no way I can let a girl come between me and my brother. Of course for that to happen Bella would have to give a shit about me. Which she doesn't. Proof of which lies in the way she looks at him, talks about him, tries to be brave for him, breaks down over his absence, the way his phone call made her light up from the inside out, lets not forget the way she tells him she loves him every other sentence.
All of this would be enough of a challenge, if the man making her feel these things, looks these ways, say those words, wasn't my brother. My best friend.
I guess I just have to suffer in silence. She isn't mine. She is his. I can't get over how I feel though. I can't get her out of my mind. I can't wish her away. I can't even ignore her. Even if Emmett didn't ask me to watch her, I could never ignore her. I could never let her jog in a city with a serial rapist on her own.
That's why I am parking my car along her street wearing a sleeveless t-shirt and cut off sweatpants, trying hard to get the courage to see her. I'm so afraid of what I might do, or say. I don't even have the will to be aloof with her. To tease her. I'm such an idiot.
I do realize I have been attracted to her since the first day I saw her. It may have taken nine months to see it, but trust me; I see it. I liked her, I was a dick to her. I think because I couldn't have her. I played Chasing fucking Cars on the piano when I saw her outside. I don't quiet know, how to say, how I feel.
Yeah, I didn't then. I do know, and I liked it better floating down the river of denial. I had a beer in my raft, and girls to fuck. I mean, now that I am ashore, fully aware and unable to deny shit, I can't enjoy sex. I don't even want to have sex...with anyone that isn't Bella. I smack my head back against the seat.
Will time take these feelings from me? I should just build a bridge and get over it. If only matters of the heart were so simple.
As much as I know it's wrong, I can't fight what feels natural. Hugging. Hovering above her. Fingertips that dance along skin. Flirty words. It all happens before I have control. I can't do that shit to my brother. It's disrespectful to say the least.
I just have to keep myself in check. I take a deep breath and pull the keys from the ignition. I push open the door, climb to my feet, and when traffic allows I cross the street.
Her door is open. It freaks me out. It's cracked open, she shouldn't leave it like that. I have to go up the stairs and then through another door, but still.
My heart starts beating. I'm so worried someone is up there, like that fucking rapist.
"Bella?" I call up the stairs, because the door into the apartment is open too. I start taking the steps two at a time, ready to kick some ass, or possibly die trying. Emmett would never forgive me. I would never forgive me. It's bad enough I have to live without her.
I think I'm masochistic at this point. I am willing to take her however I can get her, even if that means as my sister in law. I should just start egging them on to get married. It's not like if they break up, I can just move in on her. Brother code doesn't allow that shit either.
"Bella?" I call again, pushing her door open. I step inside leaving the door wide open. It will be easier to throw some creep down the stairs that way.
She walks out of the back hallway and jumps when she see's me, taking in a deep breath.
"Jesus Christ Edward, you scared the crap outta me!" she tells me holding her chest to over her heart. "What are you doing here?"
"Do you always leave your front doors wide open? Shit Bella! What if I were that rapist!"
"Now who's the spaz," Bella laughs.
"It's not funny!"
"You didn't answer my question, what are you doing here?"
"Jog. Emmett said you liked to jog every morning. So...lets do this." I motion toward the door.
"That's nice of you, but I can't." Her teeth bite into her bottom lip. I have to stop myself from pulling it out with my thumb.
"You won't," I correct her.
"Can't." she argues back, as an older lady walks out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel, while she towel dries her blonde hair with the towel in her hand.
"Bella, who's this handsome young man? Is this the boy you have been seeing?" the woman asks walking out.
"No, Mom. This is Edward, Edward this is my mom, "she introduces me.
"Nice to meet you Mrs. Swan."
"Edward is Emmett's brother," Bella tells her mother.
"Emmett?" her mom questions like she never heard of him.
"Yes, Emmett. My boyfriend. The one who left for the Marines a few days ago, remember I told you all of this?" Bella sounds annoyed.
"I just figured with the way he was looking at you..." her mother trails off.
Now, I am annoyed. At her. At myself. Am I that transparent?
Bella laughs. At least not to her. I sigh in relief. Is being completely fucking infatuated with her that laughable?
I scowl at her. I don't mean too, but now I'm angry.
"I just came to accompany Bella on her morning jog. Emmett doesn't want her going by herself till this rapist is caught," I explain to her with my crooked smile.
"Oh, well that's very thoughtful of you boys. I've been at home worried sick over the situation. Then when Bella didn't come home all year, and then backed out of this summer, I knew I just had to come see her. Your brother has been monopolizing my daughters attention."
Bella sighs, I try not to laugh. Her mom is a trip.
"Well, go jog, Bella. Don't let me stand in the way," Renee huffs in annoyance.
"No, Mom, I already told Edward I can't."
"Go, Bella. I don't want to intrude on your life. I knew I shouldn't have bothered coming."
Her mom practically storms out of the room.
"Did your mom just stomp her feet?" I ask, Bella.
"Just another day of As the World Turns around Renee," Bella says aggravated.
She slips on her sneakers and laces them up. "Let's get the fuck out of here," she says, slamming the door behind her.
"Wow, I can't wait to tell Emmett what kind of shit he is signing up for." I laugh chasing her down the stairs.
She doesn't laugh. As soon as the door to the outside swings open, she takes off.
I thought this was a jog? I'm not really up for a run, but I push ahead.
When I get up along side of her. She goes off. She growls, and it's sexy as fuck. She tells me how selfish her mom is. How controlling. How she acts more like a friend, but a friend that no one really wants they just tolerate for whatever reasons.
"Everything is just always about her, ya know?" She doesn't give me time to respond, not that I can. I don't know her mom. "I mean, she was never the most attentive mom, but once my dad died...I mean she was like useless to me. I might as well have lost them both (of them) the day we found out he was dying."
All I can do is let her bitch. Take her frustration out on the pavement.
"She thinks she can just show up, and I will put my life on hold. Well I can't. I can't not work. I mean if I didn't have to work, I could have gone home, but she refused to send me the money to cover the rent. So I am working. She just...just...frustrates me!" Bella says a mile a minute.
"No wonder your such a spaz," I tease her. I hope to lighten the mood. Do what she did for me when I told her about MaKenna. Because death...well it just sucks. Some say it's the end, others the beginning. I just stick with it fucking sucking. Maybe it just sucks for those of us left behind.
She laughs.
Finally.
I make her laugh. My teasing makes her laugh. She finally finds me... endearing? Whatever it is, she doesn't hate me. She gets my jokes. My humor. It lifts me high then slams fucking hard back to reality. Her laughing...me making her laugh...her finding me, endearing. It doesn't matter.
"You are one strange bird, Swan," I want to make her mad. It makes it harder for me to be around her if she likes me, even if it's friendly. I feel myself sinking. Maybe even slow dancing by myself in a burning room. Better to be by myself than to involve Bella.
"And you love me," she teases.
"You wish," I laugh her off.
She busts out laughing, so hard she has to stop running. She is bent over in laughter holding her stomach, gasping for breath.
I stand annoyed, hands on my hips.
"Me?" laugh. "Wish!" breath. "I loved." Squeak. "You?" Snort.
And it's the cutest fucking snort.
"It's not that funny, Bella." I tell her.
"I'm just...You know my boyfriend? You have meet him once or twice, right? I mean he's just as good looking as you, and he is sweet."
"What was that Bella? Did you say I was as good looking as your boyfriend?" I can almost feel my heart accelerate thinking that Bella at least is attracted to me.
"God, Edward. You know your like a fucking Adonis while Emmett is like Hercules or some shit. You Cullen's have like Greek God blood running through your DNA. It's not as if you need to hear me say it, Your whole family is beautiful," she says, starting to jog again.
"And why is being in love with me so laughable?" I ask her, on a more serious note.
"I don't know. You don't take much but school, and Elise seriously. I mean your just not boyfriend material, not that that is a bad thing. It's just not who you are right now."
I don't say anything else. I know she is right...three months ago that is who I was. Now, I was ready. For her. Not that I could have her. Not that it mattered. Not that I could share that with her.
By the time we get back to her place. I am a sweaty mess. I take off my shirt and wipe my brow with it. When I look at Bella her eyes are glazed over with lust as she ogles my slightly defined chest. It's nothing compared to Emmett's, but I have definition.
"Like what you see?" I ask her.
"I wasn't looking," she says, trying to be disgusted.
"Whatever you say, my spaz."
"Want to come up for some water before you go?" she asks.
"And have the pleasure of seeing your mother, again? I'll pass."
"Take me with you," she pleads in a sarcastic tone.
"And you say you aren't in love with me," I say backing away slowing. "Have fun, Swan," I tell her with a wave.
"Thanks, Cullen." she says, flipping me the bird.
I stop. I look at her. I want to tell her how she takes my breath away. How she makes me want to be better. So much I can't say. So much I can't do. I do what I can. "Same time tomorrow?" I ask her. She shrugs in agreement.
I flip her back. We both laugh and than turn our backs on each other.
Review, come chat on the Boards. Would you read an Elvisward? Teacherward? Tell me in the review, I will send a teaser...if you ask. But I need thoughts on Teacherward and Elvisward.
AND I need thoughts on these crazy kids! HAHA! It really helps me write faster I swear! I already have BPOV pretty much done.
Anyway... Rec's hmmm... I read Somewhere Between Crimson and Blue by Antiaol the past 2 days.