Violate

Chapter 10

It was 1:30 on a Friday afternoon, and Tegan was bored. She thought a break from school and its inhabitants would be beneficial. Granted it was quieter, it was not as peaceful as she hoped it would be. Yesterday's actions replayed in her mind. There were so many things she regretted doing. She tried to forget about it, push everything to the back of her mind, but she found this hard to do when there were no distractions around. She'd played her guitar until her calluses started to feel it. She'd tried writing, but her mind was too unfocused and preoccupied to produce anything worthwhile. There was no one around tot talk to. Everyone was still in school or at work. It had been twenty minutes since she'd last seen a car drive by or a person walking down the street. The world outside of everyone's daily routines was deserted except for herself, Sara, and Laura, and she didn't particularly want to talk to either of them.

Yet less than five minutes later, Tegan found herself answering a phone call from none other than Laura. She spoke to her in an oppositional manner, excited but annoyed at the same time. They quickly found out that they didn't' have much to talk about. They'd been so distant with each other this past week that neither knew much about what was going on with the other. Despite sharing a common bond in Sara they weren't in sync anymore. They'd already discussed the fight in detention, and the matter seemed too trivial to Tegan for her to pry further into it. She wasn't Sherlock Holmes. What did she care about the hidden details of their relationship?

Laura didn't know what else to talk about either. Tegan seemed different somehow. Her personality had done a complete 180. Lately she hadn't been the happy, care-free Tegan she'd known for the past couple of years. They were best friends, but she hadn't seen or talked to Tegan very much in the past few days, and she was starting to get worried. She knew something was wrong, but Tegan was lip-locked. She hadn't mentioned anything to her, and she had a new aura about her that screamed 'stay out of it'. She'd become cold, hard, distant. Honestly, Laura was too scared to bring it up. She shrugged it off, hoping that she was just over-thinking it. Everyone was down sometimes. Tegan would manage to crawl out of this ditch somehow.

They stayed on the phone for a while quiet as mimes. Just the knowledge that the other was there was a strange mixture, one part calming, one part anxious. The silence finally became too much for Laura to bear.

"You'll come to my party tonight, right?"

"Party?" Tegan questioned. "What exactly are we celebrating?"

"The start of the weekend, of course."

Tegan scoffed. "We got suspended. All of next week will be the weekend for us."

"But it's not for everyone else," she pointed out.

"I don't -"

"Please?" she begged. "My mom's ticked off at me. I just want to relax, and I want my best friend there with me. "Please?" she pleaded again as soon as she sensed Tegan's hesitation on the other end of the line.

Tegan sighed. "Alright," she agreed, a plan for sneaking out already formulating in her head.

Normally, sneaking out wouldn't be a big deal, but she'd maligned her way out of school today. Her dad would be extra attentive to her once he came back. He'd almost stayed home from work completely, but Tegan insisted that he didn't need to worry. Still, he was the epitome of a loving parent and was sure to do anything to make Tegan more comfortable. When they were sick as kids it wasn't uncommon for him to check on them in the middle of the night to see if they needed anything. If he decided to go back to his old ways, there would be nothing preventing him from discovering her absence.

And, of course, there was always the threat that her mom would call to talk to him about their daughters' suspensions. She'd avoided the confrontation with him so far by deleting the message from the school, but the same message had successfully reached Sonia. It was only a matter of time before Stephen found out too.

All Tegan could do was pray her mom didn't call today, and her dad knew well enough to respect a teenage girl's privacy.

At 5 o'clock sharp when she heard the front door open, Tegan sprang from her seat to her bed in one leap like an Olympic pole vaulted. The mattress was so old that it squeaked and strained even under her light weight. She threw the duvet on top of her haphazardly then attempted to straighten it out a bit. She buried one side of her face in her pillow and tried to look as sick and sleepy as possible.

True to his paternal nature, the first thing Stephen did upon arriving home was check on his daughter. She was under his care now, and he was more than glad to have that responsibility placed on him. For years he rarely ever saw his daughters, at least not as much as some fathers did. He was glad Tegan was living with him. It made him feel completely, like even though he left their mother his children still wanted him as apart of their life. He would do everything in his power to make sure he was a good dad. Really, he had more to prove to himself than anyone else.

Tegan appeared to be sleeping, and he was reluctant to wake her, but he saw her stir and figured it would be okay tot talk to her. He sat gently on the edge of the bed and placed one huge hand on her forehead. "How are you doing, Honey?"

Tegan groaned as if just awakened. She put on her best daddy's -little-girl voice, attempting to play the sympathetic card. "Tired."

Steven frowned. The last thing he wanted was his flesh and blood to feel miserable, which Tegan obviously did. "I'm going to make dinner. Eating will help. You can go to sleep afterwards, okay?" Tegan nodded. Stephen kissed the side of her head and left to start cooking. Poor Dad Tegan thought. Acting wasn't' her strong suit, but he'd managed to fall for her rouse. He's so oblivious.

She tried her best to look groggy throughout dinner, and she pretended to be so sick her stomach couldn't handle eating. Her dad excused her with half a heaping of spaghetti still left on her plate.

"I'm going back to bed now. I just want to sleep. Don't wake me up, okay? If I need anything I'll let you know." Stephen nodded knowingly and, being a man of his word, Tegan knew he wouldn't disturb her. She was home free.

It was only a matter of waiting before Tegan could get out. Her father had stayed up later than he normally did, liberated by the fact that the didn't have to work tomorrow. Tegan was unsure why, she was so anxious to leave. The party didn't' promise anything except a conversation with someone who knew her well enough to possibly figure out what was going on which Tegan couldn't let happen. It didn't help that that person also had a crush on her. She had once liked Laura too, but that whole period of her life seemed like another lifetime now. If only Laura had liked her before she went out with Sara, maybe Tegan wouldn't have gotten jealous or confused, and they wouldn't be in this mess. Tegan sighed as she heard her father's bedroom door close and waited another twenty minutes just to make sure he was asleep.

Tegan paced herself nicely on the walk. She knew her way to Laura's like a dog knows its way home. She focused not on where she was going but on the breath clouds rhythmically puffing out in front of her. She concentrated on keeping her breaths in sync, seeing how long she could extend the puffs without straining her lungs. It was a good distraction from the cold of the winter night, but Tegan still wished she had a thicker jacket for these seemingly endless, long trips.

Laura was waiting for her on the front steps. As she saw Tegan approach her she smiled and exhaled simultaneously, breath mingling with cigarette smoke in the air. She patted the concrete step next to her. "Sit."

Tegan reluctantly did so. She'd walked this whole way, and now she was being denied the warmth of the house a mere three feet in front of her. The step was chilled by hours of freezing weather. Sitting on it was worse than facing the nipping air itself. She debated standing again or offering to go inside. Her lower half was already cold enough. Her baggy pants trapped the cold air uncomfortably. She made a mental note to start wearing tighter pants. "What's up?" She attempted to sound concerned, but she was still disappointed and uninterested.

"Not much," Laura replied, taking another puff of what Tegan could now see was a joint. "You want a hit?" she asked when she saw Tegan eyeing the homemade cigarette.

Tegan started to reach for it, but retracted her hand and shook he head.

"Your loss." She took another long drag.

There was no sense in sitting out here when they weren't even talking, but Tegan stayed in her place. She tried to pretend the porch light generated as much heat as t he sun, hoping she could trick her body into warming up.

"The good stuff is inside."

Tegan wasn't really in the mood fro drugs tonight, but if that's what it took to get inside she might have to reconsider. "Well, let's go."

She started to stand up, but Laura grabbed her arm and pulled her down again. "Wait. Stay out here with me a little while. Please."

She sounded upset, so Tegan stayed. Laura's arm hooked beneath Tegan's as though she were afraid Tegan would try to leave again. Being linked together like this felt coupley, but it wasn't as awkward as Tegan thought it would be. Laura nonchalantly scooted closer to her, empowered by Tegan nonresistance. Her head rested gently on Tegan's shoulder. Once again, Tegan didn't try to push her away. The warmth of another body was welcome, and the body of the slightly smaller girl seemed to align perfectly with hers. It felt right to be curled up with her, but it felt wrong too. Something was off. Nothing was out of place for Laura, but Tegan discovered the cause of her unease. She looked at Laura and one thought came to mind. She's not Sara. She immediately pushed the thought to the back of her mind, once again disturbed by herself.

"Maybe I should help you finish that," she said, gesturing to the joint.

Laura brought the cigarette to Tegan's lips, and she inhaled. Immediately upon exhale she started feeling lightheaded. The effect was exactly what she needed. She became more anxious to get inside, her opinion on drugs completely changed.

"Let's go," she beckoned.

"Alright." Laura flicked the butt of her smoke away to be extinguished by the snow-covered lawn. She grabbed Tegan's hand for support and hoisted herself up from the ground. They made their way inside hand in hand.

Laura led her straight to the kitchen, or, more accurately, straight to the fridge. She grabbed two beers and uncapped them, handing one to Tegan. Tegan gratefully took a sip, reveling in the feeling of the alcohol burning her throat. Judging by the way Laura gulped hers down, this wasn't her first drink. Tegan was amazed at the amount of liquor such a small girl like Laura could consume. One drink was enough to get Tegan pretty tipsy, but it took three of four before the alcohol had any effect on Laura. Combing that with her drug use, and it was no wonder Laura never remembered anything the next day. Long ago Tegan was designated as the person to keep her in check while under the influence and to report back anything stupid she did once she was sobered up.

Tegan wasn't up for this role tonight. Keeping Laura from doing anything she'd regret required that Tegan was in control of herself. Even kind of sober was not something Tegan wanted to be tonight, and she made it her mission to get as fucked up as possible. It was the one night this week she would be able to escape, to get away from the fucked upness of real life.

And as the night progressed she found herself wishing to forget more than Laura did. Before she knew what was happening Laura excused the both of them to her room. In a blurry flash they were on the bed, and Laura was on top of her, and the pressure of lips were on her own. Unaware of what exactly was going on or how it had started, Tegan separated their faces. She tried to tell Laura to stop, but her voice box froze as the face in front of her morphed into an all too familiar one. She was staring at herself. They kissed once more, and upon closer inspection she realized it wasn't herself she was seeing. It was Sara.

Somewhere inside of her she knew that her brain was only playing tricks on her. But as Laura kissed her, she easily imagined Sara was kissing her. As Laura spoke, Sara's voice came out. And as Laura left a trail of kisses down her stomach only to stop at the place between her legs, flashback of Sara going down on her clouded her mind. Actual reality was slipping away from her more and more, and she was glad to let it happen.