I'm so glad that this fic seems eager to write itself. Saves me banging my head against the wall with writer's block. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far. A bit of this chapter (and the idea for the fic really) is heavily inspired by the Red Dwarf episode "The Inquisitor", I should point out.
Disclaimer: Not Mine!
"Hold still now…This is gonna sting a bit," Howard warned gently, holding a soaked pad of cotton wool to Vince's neck, slowly moving it closer to the blistering wound that circled all the way round.
As soon as the antiseptic touched his skin, Vince let out a high-pitched yelp and nearly jumped off the table. Howard had to grab his hand and grip it tightly to keep him still.
"Fuck…" Vince hissed, scrunching his eyes up.
"C'mon, you big baby, it's not that bad." Howard chided, dabbing at the large burn.
"That's rich, seeing as you're the one who wails his head off when he gets a tiny splinter in his 'and. I ain't used to being the one to take the blows - that's usually your job."
"Sadly, I don't think your Sunshine Kid luck extends to this dimension…There, all done," said Howard, tossing the cotton pad away. "See, now ain't you glad I carry around the Pocket First Aid kit with me?"
Vince rolled his eyes; "Yeah yeah, well done. Not exactly a proper First Aid kit though, is it? Are you even supposed to put anti-septic on fifty degree burns?"
"First of all, you haven't got a fifty degree burn, if you did your head would've fallen off. Secondly, you were attacked with alien magic so god knows what you were infected with. And thirdly…it's all I've got in the kit. It's big enough for my pocket, you're not exactly gonna get a tiny surgeon in there."
"Dunno. M'pretty sure Naboo could summon one up. Or find us a planet with a load of midget docs and nurses. Gotta be one around somewhere; hell, there's a planet full of people like me!" Vince grinned proudly.
"They don't all look like you, Vince, they just appeared to look like you for this case. I'm not sure what they look like really and frankly I don't wanna know. I don't have a good reputation for getting on with aliens."
"Or anything with five working senses." Vince teased, earning him a playful swat on the arm from Howard.
After wrenching themselves apart from their embrace, Vince had winced as Howard's hand had stroked his neck and he lead Vince to the table that he'd been sat at through most of the night on which they were both now perched.
They had no idea when the Arbiter would return to give the verdict. As much as Howard wanted to have as much time left with Vince as possible, as the minutes dragged on, the waiting became more torterous. The only thing Howard could do to distract himself was try and keep himself absorbed in his banter with Vince. But the younger man's equal amount of worry made the tension a lot thicker.
"How's the neck?" Howard asked, quickly dispelling the creeping silence.
"Kills. But it's getting better. It hurt more when he was actually shocking me…I thought my brain was gonna burst out my 'ead."
"Wouldn't have done much damage then," said Howard cheekily. Vince threw him a dirty look before his eyes dropped back to the table, troubled. Howard couldn't help but look at the bruise on Vince's cheek. The wound that he'd caused. He half-thought to ask if that also hurt but Vince began to speak and Howard decided it was best to leave it;
"It was 'orrible. I mean, I've been electrocuted before. Like that time I tried to straighten my hair whilst in the bath…we know what 'appened there. But this time, it was like that, but worse. Not so much 'cause of the pain but, like, I could hear this screaming as he was hurting me. Like a woman shrieking. And not in the good way."
Howard shook his head after his brain took a short while to deduce what Vince meant by that last sentence. "I think it's to do with the power that they use. I got told that once you get erased, they turn your soul into energy to use."
Vince turned white with horror; "That's disgusting! It's worse than your recycling malarkey."
"Recycling is a beneficial way of life, I'll have you know. For someone who claims to care as much about animals, you don't really give a thought for the environment they live in much, do you."
"I'm all for helping the environment but if we had it your way then we'd be living in houses made out of our own shit, so I'm all for searching for other less disgusting solutions. Anyway, this 'dead people into energy' thing is worse than any of that…it's barbaric."
Howard shrugged, looking off into the Nothing; "Oh well. It's about time I came in useful for something." He sighed, his hope a flicking flame on a used-up wick.
Vince stared at his friend as if truly seeing him for the first time.
"Howard…" he asked slowly, bringing one leg up to clutch to his chest, "What happened to you tonight?"
"What d'you mean?"
"How did you even end up here?"
"I dunno. I know I usually go looking for trouble but I can honestly say that tonight trouble hunted me down itself. I was just sat in my room, reading the…uhm, Global Explorer. Then Mr. Arbiter appeared and suddenly I'm on trial for being a waste of space. Was inevitable really…" Howard's voice trailed off.
"What have they been doing to you?" Vince's asked carefully as if afraid of the answer.
"Oh y'know, the usual Friday night out with friends. Accused me of never having left any impact on this world or meant anything to anyone, sewn my lips together with wire, forced me to relive the worst Christmas of my life-"
"When was that?" Vince interrupted, eager to steer the subject away slightly.
"1986? I was fifteen, you were eleven. When you were living with Sarah," Howard added more details to clear the vague frown on Vince's face. At his old foster mother's name, his eyes lit up again.
"Awh, Sarah. I loved Sarah, she was brilliant." Vince's eyes glazed over at the fond memory; "Been wanting to try and get in touch with her again actually…Wait, that was the Christmas you had with us at the pub? That was your worst Christmas?"
"No, no, I don't mean like that," Howard denied quickly at the look of hurt on his friend's face; "Being with you and Sarah was lovely. I'd never been so happy. It was just…y'know, what with my cousins. And when my dad dragged me home that day…it was dreadful. Those marks on my back didn't fade for weeks. You told everyone I'd fallen asleep at the hammock shop."
Vince smiled lightly; "M'sorry Howard."
"No, it's fine. It stopped them all asking questions in P.E-"
"I mean, I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's all my fault, if I hadn't have run away, I could've stopped them bringing you here. Or at least got help from Naboo….Wait, how did you come and see me outside the Onion if you were here?"
"Through that." Howard nodded towards the Mirror of Fates propped up to the side of the room.
Curious, Vince jumped up and went over to examine it. "Wow…this is beautiful." he gazed, stroking a hand over the crystal surface and taking the time to fluff up his hair in the reflection. Howard worried they were gonna waste precious time with Vince's focus now permanently caught in himself but the electro boy seemed to be looking at something else at the bottom edge of the surface; "There's a little charger sign here like on my mobile. Three out of four bars full and the last one is flashing…"
"It's still on charge apparently. It's why we can't use it to escape if that's what you're thinking," Howard sighed, folding his arms. "I'm guessing they need more of that Anti-Essence stuff. I've got a good feeling where they're gonna get it from."
Vince quickly bounced over to sit closely beside Howard again; "C'mon, remember what your mate said. You can't lose hope yet. They might let you off. I know nothing I said helped much but that Arbiter bloke must have seen enough to know it ain't all your fault you're pretty hopeless."
"I'm pretty hopeless and yet you still think I should keep hoping?"
"Exactly." replied Vince chirpily, missing the oxymoron; "Why are you so eager to just give up? I mean I know you like to run away when the going gets tough but that's usually to save your own skin. Giving up now is just gonna make things worse for you."
"Vince…" Howard closed his eyes; "If you'd seen the things I've seen tonight then you'd understand why it's better if I never existed."
"Don't be daft, Howard. I need you, you know I do, I don't work right without you." Vince said earnestly.
"I didn't just see into the past and the present. I saw into the future. I saw what me and you are headed for. I saw…"
Vince blinked; "What did you see Howard? I wanna know. Tell me."
Howard bit down on his bottom lip. He wondered briefly whether there was some paradox potential law that meant him telling Vince his future could destroy the universe. But given the fact he was most likely due to be killed soon enough, he couldn't really give a toss for the laws of space and time.
"Oh god…" Vince's face fell as Howard hesitated; "It was horrible, wasn't it? I end up alone, don't I? I die young 'cause of some drug overdose? Fuck - my hair falls out, doesn't it!?"
"No, Vince, trust me. I'm the one who got the sad ending, as always. You don't die young, you keep your hair and…you don't die alone," Howard soothed; "Far from it. You…have three Little Vinces with you at the time."
Vince's eyebrows shot up behind his fringe; "They sound evil!"
"Children. Vince. You have three children." Howard explained impatiently. His face then softened; "Three beautiful children."
The electro boy's jaw dropped; "…Th…three kids? 'Ow could I 'ave got three kids?"
"Well, you remember what the teachers taught you about the birds and the bees?"
"I don't mean that! And yeah, I do…well enough." Vince ran a hand through his ebony hair. "I mean…how could I 'ave brought up three kids? Was I married?"
Howard shook his head; "No. You…raised them all by yourself."
"By myself?! Well…where were you? Why didn't you help me?!" Vince's voice was rising in pitch, making him sound more scared and feminine.
Howard stared down at his shoes, ashamed; "I dunno. I dunno why I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry…"
"Don't be sorry, you spazz, it hasn't happened yet." Vince forced a chuckle, rubbing Howard's arm. He then pulled his hand back and frowned again. "…Three kids…where they triplets?!"
"No. All by different women. They didn't know who their mums were."
"You spoke to them?" Vince asked, perplexed.
"Pretty much. No doubt they were definitely your kids." Howard smiled; "All of 'em - proper little brats."
"Oi! Those are my little'ens you're talking about!" Vince shot back playfully at Howard's harmless jibe.
"They haven't even been born yet."
"No, not…yet." Vince's brow furrowed, his hand once again reaching up to toy with his hair. Howard watched him, being able to read Vince like a book, he always knew that whenever the mod was twitchy or fidgety, it meant he was hiding something. Before Howard could ask about this, Vince turned to him, "How…far into the future did you go?"
"Around thirty years I think." Howard replied, replaying the scene in his head.
"And how old was my eldest kid?"
Howard thought back harder; "Er, I think Ronnie was about late twenties. Maybe older…"
"R-Ronnie?" Vince stammered, nearly slipping off the table; "My…son?"
"No, short for Veronica. She was quite boisterous though from what I saw of her."
"A girl…Ha, I kinda wanted a girl…Veronica? Veronica Noir. That's perfect, ain't it." Vince whispered, seemingly having wondered off into his own little world. "And 'Ronnie', like Ronnie Wood. That's just genius! What was she like? Did she look like me?"
"Yeah, yeah, she was stunning. And she had your eyes."
"Did she 'ave good dress sense?" Vince asked as if it was the sixty four thousand euro question.
"No, she looked like a proper electro slapper."
Vince beamed; "Awh! That's my girl. Oh fuck…my girl. My daughter." The panicking Camden prince clutched his hair with both hands, looking like he was on the verge of hyperventilating. "M-my daughter…"
Howard held Vince's wrists away from his face; "Vince, Vince, calm down. Breathe normally, c'mon, that's it…" he waited until the little man had calmed slightly; "Now what are you not telling me? Why're you so interested in a kid that you might not even have?"
"'Cause I am gonna have her, Howard. Maybe not the other two. But…she must the one." Vince's voice faded as his eyes looked away.
"What one?" Howard gently released Vince's wrists but Vince just grabbed at Howard's hands instead.
He took a deep breath, staring down at Howard's hands the whole time; "Please don't hate me, Howard. I…I didn't think that you were gonna come back after you left to go off with Jurgen. I was so lost. I didn't know what to do with myself. Most days I just stayed in the flat, acting like a complete misery guts, feeling sorry for myself. But then, one night, Leroy dragged me out to this club that he said would make me feel better. And it did a bit, it was a pretty cool gaff….Then I met this woman, Rachelle, who was a model for Cheekbone. And…we got drunk and…went back to her place…"
"…And?"
"Oh, c'mon Howard, I know you're a prude but you don't need me to spell out what happened next! We had sex, you slow-poke."
Howard merely gawped; "Oh…"
This was hardly a startling revelation to Howard. He'd always assumed that most nights Vince went out he ended up scoring with some lucky woman. Or man.
"It didn't mean anything, Howard, I swear. It was just a drunken fumble on her sofa. She kicked me out her flat the next morning, I didn't think I was gonna see her again, which I was kinda glad about - she's a bit of a cow, really. I swear she stole ten euros off of me. Anyway, she somehow got my number and texted me a couple of days ago saying 'I'm late'. I thought she was talking about the money, which was a bit strange 'cause I didn't know thieves had a time limit until they gave what they've knicked back. But…then I worked it out."
All the pieces clicked together in Howard's mind as well. He had to gather his breath, feeling as if he'd been hit in the chest with a sandbag; "Oh, Vince…how could you be so careless? Don't you use protection?"
Vince glared at him, insulted; "Yes, Howard, I know you like to think of me as a slag but I'm not and I'm definitely not that much of an idiot. And if you weren't so frigid you'd know enough about condoms to know that they can split!"
"Alright, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have just assumed…this is all just a bit hard to take in right now, on top of everything else."
"How d'you think I feel? My whole bachelor life is over. M'gonna have to settle down, get a proper job. And slippers…oh god, I'm gonna turn into you." Vince realized, appalled, getting to his feet and beginning to pace with fright.
Howard chose to ignore this comment; "You've known about this for the past two days? God, Vince, why didn't you say anything?"
"How could I? I thought you hated me before, the last thing I expected was you to be supportive about this. That's why I've been meaning to track down Sarah. You're meant to go to your mum for support when these things happen and she was the closest I had. But, until now, it didn't feel…real. Maybe I was expecting Rachelle to get rid of it. But…you said she has it. Her. Veronica. And she's given to me…a proper living person…A little baby that I've gotta look after…"
Seeing that his friend was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, Howard hopped off the table and put a supportive arm around Vince's shaking frame; "Hey, listen. I know this is all a shock but you've got nothing to worry about. 'Kay, I saw the future. You managed to bring her and her brother and sister up just fine on your own."
"But I don't wanna be on my own, Howard!" Vince stared up at Howard with watery eyes too innocent and child-like to belong to that of a dad-to-be. "M'not gonna be able to do this…"
"Shhh, c'mon, it's okay. You're not gonna be alone this time, I promise." Howard held Vince by his shoulders; "My Defendant said that the future could be changed. Well, we will change it. I'm gonna be there for you, every step of the way, you hear? I ain't gonna abandon you, I promise."
Vince's wobbling lips curved upwards; "…Me and you all the way, yeah Howard?"
"That's right, little man. All the way. C'mere…" Howard pulled his crumbling friend into a bone-crushing hug. Vince lost his final grip of control and let himself cry softly into Howard's chest whilst the older man stroked his hair and back. Howard placed a kiss to the side of his strawberry-scented hair out of sheer instinct, nuzzling his blushing cheek against it. "You scared?" He whispered.
"Terrified." Vince sniffed, clinging to Howard like a limpet. "But…m'kinda excited. M'gonna be a Dad, Howard!…Me?! I couldn't even look after the school hamster for a week."
"Vince, for the last time, Nibbles was three years old! He just died of old age, nothing you did wrong. And anyway, you underestimate yourself. You're gonna be a great dad - Ronnie told me you were, herself."
"Did she?!" Vince looked up, glowing.
"Yes! Just before calling me a jazzy freak, I think."
"She sounds perfect." Vince sighed, snuggling contently against Howard. The maverick rolled his eyes, just continuing to rub Vince's back. The electro boy pulled back a little to look up at Howard; "You're really gonna be there for me…for us?"
"Promised you, didn't I?" Howard smiled, stroking Vince's fringe from over his eyes.
"You…you're amazing, Howard. None of my other so-called friends would do that. Not even the nice ones. But you…you're something else." Vince's hand stroked across his cheek; "You really are my knight in tweed armour."
Howard's face flushed bright scarlet; "Well…Dunno about that…"
"You are. I meant everything I said in that letter, Howard. I…You mean everything to me. That's why you can't get erased tonight, you just can't!"
"Vince, if I get erased, chances are you were never in the situation to conceive Ronnie in the first place."
"That's just it. I want to be a Dad, Howard. I wanna meet my little girl. But only if you're there with me." Vince cradled Howard's head in his hands lovingly; "I want you to help me bring her up. I want her to have the family unit I didn't have. I want you to teach her all the clever things you know that I don't, everything except jazz and the other boring stuff, of course. I want her to know you as well. Know you and love you as much as I…"
Vince's words broke off as Howard's eyebrows narrowed back at him. They stared into each other's eyes for what felt like an eternity, Vince's hands still holding Howard's cheeks whilst Howard remained holding Vince. For the first time since he'd arrived there that night, the Court of Merit suddenly felt stiflingly hot to Howard. He watched Vince lick his lips, his throat probably as dry as his was. Had they moved closer towards his own?
The deafening toll of an unseen bell rang aloud through the Court and made the two men spring apart from each other. The Defendant, the Prosecutor and the Arbiter appeared before them, lined up with the Arbiter stood in the middle, holding a silver crossbow in his hands. Howard looked to the grave face of the Defendant and put two and two together, fearing the worst.
"I have examined the evidence and testimonies given at this trial and have reached my decision." the Arbiter boomed; "You were granted the greatest gift of the gods. The gift of life. Yet you have done nothing to deserve this divine privilege. You have lived without making an effort to break through your own misfortunes and hardships, instead letting them bind you to your pathetic half-existence. You are not worthy to have a place in this reality."
Vince let out a whimper, his hand grabbing instinctively for Howard's. His heart deflating rapidly, Howard had expected that this was coming, but it didn't make it any easier to accept as his fate. He was all out of ideas. All he could do was squeeze Vince's hand back.
The Arbiter raised one cloaked, grotesque hand; "The punishment for this crime is for one to be annulled from the time-line and their bodies obliterated. This, Convicted Ones, is your sentence that I give you."
He clicked his fingers.
Vince gasped and fell to his knees, his arms wrapping tightly around himself as a shell of red and orange energy swarmed over him, cocooning him in the Arbiter's magic. Howard screamed his friend's name and tried to reach for him. Before he could put his hand to the force field, the Arbiter clicked his fingers again and Howard, also, dropped to his knees, hugging himself as the magic enveloped him.
He was holding himself to fend off the icy draft that had appeared all around him. He felt sickeningly thin, as if he'd just thrown up a whole Christmas dinner. He tried to turn his head to look at Vince but the power around him was too intense for him to move a muscle. He thought he could feel his blood being drained from his veins. His chest felt iron tight but with the same pain that he'd felt in the care home. His lungs seemed empty and ready to shrivel like prunes. His head pounded as if his skull was about to collapse in on his brain.
Two more clicks of the Arbiter's fingers and the magic vanished. Both Howard and Vince fell forwards onto their hands, eagerly catching their breaths after the feeling of suffocation. Howard felt somewhat normal again, shrugging off the tingling sensation all over his skin.
"The first part of the sentence is complete." the Arbiter explained callously; "Both of you have had your pointless existences erased."
Dum, dum, dum! Thanks for reading. Please review xx