In the early hours of the morning, she must have fallen asleep, because Ziva stirs to the gentle sensation of her limbs being manipulated. It takes her a moment to realize it's Tali, disentangling herself from Ziva, using a more tender touch that Ziva would have expected from her. She doesn't let Tali know she's awake, letting the girl slip silently from the room. Ziva suspects her sister might want a few minutes to herself, to process everything that happened the night before. She stays in bed for a while longer, enjoying the soft morning light filtering in from behind the curtain, before getting up.
As soon as she steps out of her room, she instantly knows something is wrong. Tali is standing in the middle of the living room, and while she is dressed, Ziva can tell she's about to fall apart. Distress is clearly shinning in her chocolate brown eyes, and she's pulling in strangled, uneven breaths.
"Ziva." Her name comes off Tali's lips sounding more like a tortured moan than anything else. Ziva flashes back to the interrogation room, when she'd pulled Tali into her arms for the first time in fifteen years. She rushes to her sister's side now too, grabbing her shoulder and holding her at arm's length. The girl is trembling, eyes wild, and Ziva can tell she's on the verge of a panic attack.
"Ziva," Her voice cracks, face full of confusion. "What have I done?" She bites her lips to keep a whimper from escaping her, and Ziva has to know she has to do something now or she might just lose her sister all over again.
She grabs Tali's hand, quickly dragging her from the apartment, not even bothering to shut the door behind them. Ziva hears Tali let out an occasional sob as Ziva hurriedly makes their way to the park. Tali grows heavy against her arm, but she doesn't stop until they make it through the entrance, Ziva sitting Tali down on a bench. She does not want Tali cooped up in the apartment, not right now. She's been confined for too much of her life already - she needs to be outside, to see the sky, to feel the crisp spring air against her skin.
Ziva couches in front of Tali's knees, cupping one hand on her chin to lift her hanging head. Her eyes are red and puffy, tear-tracks evident on her cheeks. There is panic in her eyes, but also something else, Ziva can see it in all her features: sorrow.
"What have I done?" She repeats, softer this time.
"You did what you had to to survive, Tali. No one can blame you for that. Ever." Ziva shakes her head. "You were forced to do terrible things, but you got through it."
"I wasn't forced, Ziva. I had choices…I chose to hurt people, innocent people."
"You were innocent, Tali." Ziva stresses, trying to get the girl to meet her gaze, but she manages to keep her eyes averted. It breaks her heart to see her sister harbouring so much self-hatred, and not being able to understand that she too, is a victim.
"Maybe I was, once. But not anymore." Her breath hitches, body sagging forward. "Perhaps I should have tried harder." She whispers, and it takes Ziva a moment to realize what she is referring too. A deep growl escapes her throat.
"Tali!" She snaps, her sharp response causing Tali to lift her head. She knows she shouldn't have scolded her, but Tali even mentioning suicide brings up visceral images, that Ziva loathes to think about. She takes a moment, consciously softening her voice before continuing. "Don't talk like that. I am so blessed to have you back in my life. My baby sister."
A choked cry escapes Tali's throat. "But I'm not! That girl is gone." Tali shrieks, trying to pull away from Ziva. "I am a killer, nothing more. It's all I've known. I've caused so much pain, so much death.." Her voice drops off, and Ziva sees her mind begin to turn in on itself once again. She wants to pull her back, to show her that there is a whole other world, but Tali has seen so much - much more than Ziva wants to imagine, and she can't erase those memories. But perhaps, she can help her see passed them.
Ziva stands, striding to a small tree a few feet away, gently plucking a pink camellia from its stem. As she kneels back in front of Tali, she upturns the girl's hands, slipping the flower into her open palms. Tali's eyebrows knit together, trepidation flashing on her face.
"There is beauty in the world, Tateleh." Ziva lightly cupping Tali's hands in her own. "But right now, you're too frightened, feeling too guilty, to see it. That does not mean it is not there. And I can help you see it again, if you will let me. You had dreams once, Tali. Bright and wonderful dreams. You had such spirit and joy for life. You are still that wonderful sister that I knew." Her voice hardens, eyes turning steely. "But if you truly believe that you are one of them, that killing is what you were intended for, then go." She rocks back on her heels, gesturing her hand to the open park. "If you choose to leave now, I will not follow you, will not track you down or force you back here. You are free to choose as you wish." It's a hard ultimatum, one Ziva hates to condemn her with. It is true though – she knows she can't make Tali stay if she does not want to. As much as it would break Ziva's heart to have her sister leave, she knows she has no more right to hold her against her will than Hamas did.
Tali can't stop staring at the baby pink blossom in her hands. It's mesmerising, how the petals flourish out from the centre, each perfectly formed, each row growing gradually smaller until they bunch around where the pollen patiently awaits the arrival of a bee or butterfly. The petals feel impossibly soft against her skin, which is used to holding only the cold, rough metal of her weapons. She's too scared to move, to breath; it's been so long since she's held something so fragile in her hands and she fears she will damage it, jostle it too hard and its delicate structure will fall apart.
She wonders if she's been handled too brutally, if her structure has broken into so many pieces, that she can never be put back together. That she will never be as she was.
"I don't remember her." Tali's words are raw, and when she lifts her head, tears are once again rolling down her cheeks. Ziva drifts a finger to her face, gingerly brushing them away.
"Oh, Tateleh. You may have forgotten, but I have not. I still remember that girl, who wanted to stand on stage and make the world smile. You are lost, Tali, but you are still that same girl, I believe she is inside of you. Please, let me help you find her." Pausing for a brief moment, and tucks a lock of Tali's hair behind her ear. The no longer flinches at her touch, a massive step within itself. "Do you remember the meaning of the word 'mishpacha'?"
Tali nods slowly, recognition sparking in her red eyes. "It means family." Her voice it raspy, throat coarse from crying.
Ziva scoops up Tali's cheek, holding her confidently. "That's right. We are family. You have always been my sister, no matter who you are, or where you've been. I just want you back in my life." When she finishes, she feels the warm tears blazing trails down her own face, but she does not move to wipe them away. She is not afraid of Tali seeing her cry, for they are not tears of weakness, they are tears of love and of courage and of strength. All of which she will share with Tali, if the girl will let her.
For the first time since she showed up at the hospital, Tali actually sees Ziva. She notices the almost invisible scars on her face, the way her forehead wrinkles when she's upset, and the way her eyes betray the emotion in her heart. There are depths to this woman she never believed existed when they'd been alone in the interrogation room. As Tali stares into her eyes, eyes she thought belonged to a stranger, she begins to see herself. Not her reflection, but a mirror of herself, in the features, yes, but also in life. She is another David girl, just trying to find her way in the world. They may share the same blood, but they also share the same struggles, and now, the same desires. To be safe, to be free, and to be loved.
Tali nods her head, the words tumbling from her lips before she even realizes she's saying them. But once they have left her mouth, she does not want to take them back. "I just want to be your 'tateleh' again."
Her older sister pulls her into her arms, and Tali goes willingly, the flower still cradled in one hand. Unlike the other touches she has tolerated, or accepted, this one she craves. She lets her eyes slide closed, the feeling of being embraced saturating every fibre of her being. It's more astounding than she thinks she can describe, so she doesn't try, instead resting her chin on Ziva's shoulder, sighing as the woman reaches up to stroke her hair.
"I promised you once that I would always be there for you, no matter what. That you could come to me, and I would always help you see the good. This is a much darker place than I wished you to ever be, but I still love you more than anything, and I will guide you through the dark, Tateleh." The words float on warm whispers to her ear, and to her heart, and Tali knows them to be true. She does not remember such a promise being made to her, does not remember much about her previous life at all, but she inexplicably believes that Ziva will help her, will keep her promise.
She trusts her sister.
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They do not go running that day, spending most of it on the park bench, Tali nestled in the crook of Ziva's shoulder, her sister's strong arm encircling her. It's the first time in many years that she has felt safe, truly safe. Even when she'd had a rifle cocked and ready against her body and an eagle-eye, she'd never felt completely protected. All it would have taken was one stray bullet to end it all. She finds that her hands are strangely empty though, but she discovers the warmed material of Ziva's shirt is a much better comfort than the cold metal of a weapon. So she clings to it gratefully, slightly astonished that Ziva is still next to her. Regardless of how many times Ziva had reassured her that she loved her no matter what, Tali had still been on edge, fearing that if Ziva had found out what she's really done, she would rescind that love, and leave her. Tali didn't know if she could handle that: having love, a life, her family, so tantalizingly close, only to have it all fall apart. She's had too much instability in her life already.
But Ziva knows now, and she is still here, still holding her broken, tainted body against hers, and whispering words of comfort in her ear. The March air, while warmed by the sun, still carries the hint of something cooler, something distant. Flowers bloom, stretching their colorful faces toward the sun and Tali marvels at their splendor. She has never seen so much natural green in her life, used to only bleached camo against dusty brown backdrops. Ziva tells her it is called 'spring' and Tali thinks it's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen in a long time. Life, flourishing, unchallenged, unharnessed. She wishes she could be like that.
Without noticing, she's been dying a little more each day since being initiated into Hamas, losing small pieces of herself that she thought she could never get back. But for a moment, all her doubts fall away, leaving only a tiny spark of hope. Maybe, just maybe, she can be whole again. She's far from okay, but she's one step closer, regardless of how small that step may be. With Ziva's arm around her, anything feels possible.
AN: THANK YOU to all the people who reviewed the last chapter. There was an amazing amount of you and it really blew me away. I'm love knowing what you guys think of the fic and how Tali and Ziva are progressing. It makes by day to get them. So please, direct your little mouse to the comment box and type away. I'm in need of a few ideas for future chapters, so if you have ANY ideas for something you'd like to see, a line to be dropped in or whatever, FEEL FREE! I'd love to hear them. :D