HEAVEN AND HELL
The Finale Episode
Note: The Narrator has been fired...apparently she's being oppressed.
The screen flickers for a few moments before you see a hand apparently in front of the camera lens. There is a murmured cuss word and then the screen goes black again. A stream of swear words blares through the speakers until the screen flickers once more and finally shows two large blue eyes. "Yes!"
"I told you I'd get it working! Too bad our camera person quit," Aria muses as she looks off screen. She's still very close to the camera lens and you can't see anything except her face and her hair.
"Don't you mean 'cameraman,' Aria?" An off screen voice asks curiously.
"Nooo," she sing-songs, "it was a camera person...cause I'm still not exactly sure how to tell the gender of tripods."
There's an irritated sigh and you can almost see the speaker rolling their eyes, "Tripods are inanimate objects, you know."
Finally Aria backs off from the camera and you can see the purple room from the last episode with all the characters gathered within...save for Tick and Thalia. "You tell that to tripod! It just walked off after the quesadilla incident." Everyone in the room stares blankly at their hostess before Bane speaks up.
"Yo quiero taco bell!" He exclaimes happily.
"Well, let's get started," Aria turns to the camera, "This is the finale episode of Heaven and Hell!! Huzzah! Now, for future reference nothing is off limits in this episode! Nothing! Also, it's obvious that I wasn't clear enough in the first episode. Everyone here is alive. I snagged them from the books a split second before death. THEY ARE ALL ALIVE!"
Suddenly she turns to the unoffending Frill and points at her yelling, "Except you! You ARE the weakest link!" A trap door opens up and Frill vanishes.
Aria claps her hands together like she's wiping dust from them, "There. Now then, it's time to name the Banelets!!" She gives an excited fangirl squee and leaps over to where Twitchtip is curled. Twitchtip has her back turned to the camera and is grooming her now two week old pups. The gnawer mother turns and scowls at teh camera.
"Aria..." she says in a warning tone.
Aria smiles, "I'm not going to hurt the babbehs, I just wanna know what you're going to name them and show them to the peoples."
Pearlpelt creeps up behind Aria and looks over her shoulder, which isn't hard to do seeing as he is twice as tall as she is. "Oooh..." he says his voice filled with wonder. He points at them, "They've got furry...and eyes!" He sounds shocked.
One of the babies is dark grey with a white patch on his face and underbelly, his sister is a vibrant gold with speckles of white running through her fur. They're very small, about the size of a human baby. Their eyes have only recently opened and their ears are still very small and close to their head. "This one's Mayhem," Twitchtip says pointing at the boy.
"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Bane shouts jumping up and down excitedly. "Can I name the girl?!" Twitchtip thinks about it for a while, then sighs and nods.
"Twitchtip Jr.!"
"No."
"Ummm...then...Bane Jr!"
Twitchtip scowls, "Dammit, we're not naming her after us."
"Oh..." Pearlpelt looks apologetic before suggesting, "Twirltongue?"
"That's it," Twitchtip snaps, "You just lost your naming privileges."
"No!!" Cries the Bane, "I can do it! Uh..Henry! Solovet! No um...ARIA!!"
Aria looks thoughtful, "Yah...Aria's a good name."
Twitchtip glares at them, "I don't think so."
Suddenly a note spontaneously materializes inches away from Aria's head. "Oh!" She exclaims, "It must be from Aya."
She scans the letter and then looks at Twitchtip, "What about Lenore?"
The former scent seer thinks about it for a while and then sighed, "Fine. Lenore it is."
"Yaay!" Aria cheers excitedly, then stops, "OmR, we need to get some people in to see the Banelets!!"
"But all these people have already seen them," Twitchtip protests and gestures to the characters in the room.
"But they should be seen in all their adorable fuzzy glory!" Lulu proclaims from across the room.
"Exactly," agrees Aria and then claps her hands. Ripred, Luxa, Gregor and Howard appear in a burst of emerald green flames.
Ripred immediately stalks over to Aria, "I said keep me out of here!!"
Aria laughs, "I'm in control here. Sorry."
"I am God!!" Ripred protests furiously.
The girl shrugs, "Maybe so...but are you prepared for..." Dramatic music starts to play in the background, "MY UBER MARY-SUE??"
In a poof of rainbows, butterflies, pink lemonade, day-time television, and other vomit inducing things the Uber Mary-Sue appears. She has long sun-kissed ringlets, full sensual lips, and wide passionate blue eyes. She's the perfect height and has curves in all the right places. She's wearing bright make up and is so breathtakingly beautiful it makes you physically ill. The girl strikes a dramatic post reminiscent of Sailor Moon, "I am Viollette Aoibheann Satomi Rosabella Michiko Hikari Haviland! I am a rager, scent seer, necromancer, sorceress, half-elf, half demon, half-wolf, half-jaguar!! I am also Gregor's long lost twin sister, and there are a hundred prophecies about me! Everyone loves me, and I shag Howard, Ben Barnes, Henry, hot human Ares, Johnny Depp, Mareth, Harry Potter, York, and pretty much everyone else!! Luxa, Stellovet, Nerissa, and Perdita hate me cause I'm waaaay better than them. BEHOLD MY MARY SUE PERFECTION AND TREMBLE BEFORE MY SEXY ACCENT!!"
"Seriously, Aria," Ripred says looking around the posturing Viollette, "What the hell?" He is then beaten into submission by Viollette blah blah blah blah's perfect hair and enormous chest.
Aria snickers and snaps her fingers, making Viollette and Ripred disappear. Twitchtip glares at Aria, "My children did NOT need to see that."
"Awww...you're so protective!"
Gregor just now seems to realize that Twitchtip is sitting right in front of him and he exclaims, "OMR Twitchtip! You're alive!! And you have...babies?"
"Babbehs!" Pearlpelt screeches ecstatically.
"Oh shit!" Gregor breathes, "Not you again..."
"I MISSED YOU!!" The giant white rat exclaims happily and embraces the warrior.
Luxa is staring at the pups, "They have...white on them...does that mean...?" The young queen looks in disbelief from Twitchtip to the Bane who is attempting to strangle her boy friend.
"It wasn't my idea, ok?" Twitchtip mutters stroking the ear of one of her sleeping pups.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Solovet asks Aria.
"Oh yah! I wanted to show Aya the Banelets!" The girl says excitedly.
"That's not what I meant!!" Solovet shouts, "I meant US! You haven't done anything with us all episode!!"
"You had plenty of episodes!" Aria yells back, "In case you didn't realize I'm just doing a bunch of random crap cause I have no idea how to end this!!"
"Well it's not funny." Twirltongue comments.
"Stfu," Aria snaps back.
Aya spontaneously materializes in the middle of the room, "Um...Aria, you were supposed to come and get me--Why is everyone so angry looking?"
Aria makes a pouting face and says, "They're trying to tell me how to run my show!"
Aya smiles, "I know what'll make you feel better!"
Aria gasps happily, "Awakened?!"
"Nope," Aya shakes her head, "Even better." She claps her hands and a teenage boy with white hair randomly appears next to her.
"It's getting really crowded in here..." Hamnet mutters.
The authoress squeals like the fangirl she is deep down inside and glomps the human Bane. "OMR!!"
"Aaah! Get it off me!! Twirltongue! Heeeelp!" The human Bane screams as he's assaulted by his biggest fangirl.
Everyone in the room is staring at the human boy screaming for Twirltongue. "Who is that?!" Ares was the first person to speak up. To the large black bat's surprise the pale teenager scrambles away from Aria's rather vicious assault, and hides behind him.
"Back off! I've got angsty bat and I'm not afraid to use it!!" The human Bane threatens loudly. Then he looks at Ares, "Ares?! When did you get all floofeh again?!"
Aya introduces the sexy human boy proudly, "Everyone, this is Bane. In his human form," she adds.
Pearlpelt stares at the boy who is attempting to brandish Ares like a weapon. The human Bane returns the stare. They both say at the same time, "But...if that's Bane...who am...I?"
Aria stands in between the two and randomly has a stroke from the sheer awesomeness that is two Banes in the same room together. "Hmmm..." Aya shrugs, "Looks like I'm taking over for the moment."
Lulu protests, "But I was the cohost first!"
"True," Aya replies, "but you can't host the show and make out with Henry at the same time." Lulu grins at Aya, who smirks back.
"Now then, in a shameless promotion of my story 'Awakened' I'm going to bring human Twirltongue and human Ares here as well!! I'll put parenthesis around their names to show that their the human ones so no one gets confused." Within moments a very pretty young woman and darkly handsome young man materialize.
Henry's girl radar goes off like mad and he looks up from what he was doing--making out with Lulu--to look at (Twirltongue.) The teenager saunters up to her and daringly throws an arm around her waist, "How you doin?" he asks with a suggestive smirk.
(Twirltongue) gives him a scathing look, "I'd be better if you left me alone." Henry just grins at her and moves his hand lower down her back. With a snarl the woman slaps him across the face leaving bloody marks where her claw like fingernails struck him. She stalks off to go and talk to her furry counterpart.
"Oh, yeah," Henry says before Lulu drags him off to beat him up, "she digs me."
(Ares) and Ares stare at each other. "Wow," Ares says, "I'm kinda hot as a human..." The human (Ares) yells triumphantly, "I knew I was gay! Oh wait..."
Twitchtip frowns at the multiples that are meeting each other, "This is really annoying," she remarks to Aya.
Aya shrugs, "Kinda, but it's funny too."
Aria stirs slightly. "You should get them out of here before she wakes up or it'll happen again." Twitchtip observes.
Aya shrugs and claps her hands. The humans disappear.
Aria looks around, "Aww...where'd t3h b4n3 go?"
Solovet scowls and walks up to Aria and pokes her in the head. "This isn't working."
"What's not working?"
"All of it! The non script mode, the lack of randomness, it's not working at all."
"That's right," Twirltongue agrees, "You used all your hilarity, what little bit there was, on the first nine chapters and didn't plan far enough ahead to get a tenth one."
"It's not my fault!! I asked for ideas but no one said anything! Plus there is no muse left in my head."
"Well find something to do to end this thing! It's horrible!"
"Squeak!" Lenore agrees.
"Fine." Aria scowls. The screen before you goes black and white words scrawl across it.
Due to lack of funding and muse the finale episode of Heaven and Hell has never been finished.
The producers have come up with a short list of what happened after the camera was turned off.
Luxa and Gregor made out.
Howard beat the crap out of Luxa and made out with Gregor.
Gregor ran away.
Twitchtip sued Aria for child endangerment, won, and retired with her two children to a resort down in Tahiti.
Bane ran away to join the circus where he then met the love of his life: cotton candy.
Lulu put Henry on a leash and became a successful writer.
Twirltongue and Hilary Clinton won the presidential election for '08 after Obama and McCain mysteriously vanished.
Solovet got the crap beaten out of her by a bunch of rabid TUC fans.
Ares finally admitted to himself that he was emo and started a band called "Too Emo For Your Face."
Aria and Aya got married and adopted a cat together. They then spent their time together flaming horrible fanfics.
Mareth and Mareth made multiple jokes and groped their assorted pairings.
Ripred spent the rest of his life running from Madame Viollette who had decided bestiality was hot.
Thalia got a job as one of those people who lists side effects for medications, and finally got treated for her severe ADHD.
Many inside references and your mom jokes were made. Fangirls glomped. And then they all did the Hamster Dance.
THE END.