Disclaimer: I don't own anything GLEE-related.
Author's Note: Thanks for all the reviews! Sorry for not posting but my computer was all stupid. I have to make this quick so ENJOY and I finally decided what direction I'm going in for this story. I'm REALLY excited! Hope you are too! I hope I don't disappoint with this chapter but I like this angle :) and we've all had a Finchel shortage ;)
"Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find
Well, I'm finding it hard leaving your love behind me..."
The winter wind is crisp and bitter, making her grimace as she hugs herself tighter and fights through it. She walks quickly down her seemingly endless street, cursing her fathers internally. Thanks for taking both cars. Now she has to freeze on the way to school.
After another restless night of insomnia, she can barely keep her eyes open. Finn's words, so softly spoken, echo in her mind and make her chest tighten. Why did he have to say he loves her? Why does he keep making promises he can't keep? The ongoing questions and battles of "should I stay or should I go?" continue to invade her mind, making it impossible to focus. It's irritating beyond belief.
A shiver rattles through her body and she cusses quietly to herself. She has to walk to school on Ohio's coldest day of the year. Her eyes feel heavy and twitchy from the exhaustion and chill and her feet feel like cement. This sucks.
His familiar truck pulls up beside her and she can barely contain her surprise when he rolls down the window, giving her his famous half-smile. "Hey" he calls, slowing his pace so he drives equal with her steps. "Get in...it's freezing out."
She hesitates for a moment before striding quickly over to the truck, slipping in the passenger's side. The warm air caresses her and she releases a long sigh of relief, her teeth chattering uncontrollably. He turns up the heater and points it toward her as she rubs her arms, desperately seeking warmth. "Th-th-thanks" she says between chatters. "I-i-it's so c-c-cold out."
"I know" he chuckles, chancing a glance at her before turning back toward the road. "What were you doing walking?"
"M-my d-d-dads took b-b-both c-c-c-c-c-" She huffs as he grins. "-Cars."
He nods, smirking in his adorable way that takes her breath away and for a second, she forgets that she's supposed to be distant from him. She leans against the door and rejoices as her shaking calms slightly, trying not to feel bad for shutting him out. He did that to her.
He reaches back and retrieves his black hoodie, placing it gently in her lap. "You can wear that if you want today" he murmurs. "It's pretty cold in and outside school...Figgins never turns up the heat."
"I-I know" she says, allowing herself to enjoy this time with him. She misses this truck. It's so Finn. So many memories. The pain returns and she can't even think about smoothing things over with a smile. Or a laugh. But she accepts the sweater anyway because she can't bear to see the crestfallen look on his face. "Thanks."
"No problem" he says with a soft beam and she knows that the pang of hurt is totally worth it. "So...how was the rest of your night?"
"Not so awesome" she replies gently. "I have insomnia."
"What's that?"
"Inability to sleep" she clarifies quietly. She ignores his guilty and concerned expression. "I haven't slept in...a long time."
He frowns. "For how long?"
She bites her lip and remembers how hard it is to be with him now. "Since Christmas...about. It's gotten worse after...umm...after I-I found out about...umm...you and...Quinn..."
His face falls and she turns to look out the window, unable to take it. "I'm sorry" he says barely above a whisper.
She shrugs sullenly, feeling even worse than before.
"Can you sleep...like...at all?" he asks delicately.
"It depends" she finds herself responding lightly. "Before umm...yah...I could get maybe four hours. Now it's more like..." She pauses, feeling her throat tighten. "Umm...two. I lose track sometimes."
"I haven't gotten much sleep this week either" he murmurs.
She nods, swallowing thickly. "It sucks."
"Yah" he breathes with a pained laugh.
There's a beat of silence and she finds herself clenching her fists in her lap. "It's not as bad as other things." The words tumble out of her mouth before she can comprehend what she's saying. "Like...smiling or laughing. I can't do that at all."
He looks heartbroken and ashamed. "I'm really sorry."
She shrugs again, turning away so he doesn't see her tears.
"I can stop if you're feeling uncomfortable" he says gently. "I didn't mean to make you upset..."
"No, it's okay" she tries to assure, her voice breaking. "It's just tough."
"I know...and I hate that I'm the reason for all this."
She bites the inside of her cheek and feels more words fall from her lips. "You're not the complete reason."
And she doesn't have to say anything more because he gets it.
"I have so many regrets with you, Rach" he says softly. "You were so good to me and you made me so happy...I'm sorry I couldn't measure up. If I could go back..." He trails off, shaking his head and letting it hang.
"But we can't."
The words sting both of them and she can't stop a stray tear from slipping down her cheek. "I know" he breathes sadly. "And it sucks. But you're right." He sighs angrily. "I'm such an idiot..."
"You're not" she defends, turning to look at his distressed and gorgeous face. "You made mistakes. I made mistakes. We hurt each other. I'm just damaged. It's going to take me a while."
"I'm going to make it up to you" he vows with a determined nod. "Whatever it takes. I want you to feel special and loved and beautiful because you deserve to be all of that and so much more. You're perfect, Rachel. Despite all the crap everyone -including me- said, you're the most amazing person I've ever met. And I know I've never shown it properly and in the way you deserve but I love you so damn much. And I'm changing. I want to be good enough for you. I'm going to make sure that you know this every chance I get."
She sniffles, wiping her eyes. He's so incredible. "I wish you had done this when we were together" she whispers.
"I do, too" he says genuinely. "But we can't look back."
She nods, turning to look at him. He gives her a meaningful smile that melts her and makes the hole in her chest a little smaller. And for a second she believes that he really is going to cure her.
"Thank you, Finn" she says quietly. "It's nice to hear."
He smiles as he pulls into the McKinley parking lot and she feels herself give him an attempt at a smile. He chuckles lightly and she face palms. "I'm probably creeping you out" she says embarrassedly. "That's me trying to smile, in case you were wondering. I tried to smile at Sam yesterday and I think I scared him."
He laughs wholeheartedly, making goosebumps break out on her skin. "You're still unbelievably gorgeous" he assures. "Even when you're in pain. You're so beautiful, Rachel."
A warm, fuzzy and severely delightful feeling flutters in her stomach as she blushes, another attempt at smile ghosting her lips. "Really?"
"Absolutely" he confirms, placing his hand on her lap. "You're so gorgeous it's insane. Beyond words."
She feels light and almost giddy, squeezing his hand in her lap. "That's sweet."
He grins proudly, opening the door and sliding out of the truck. She's about to join him when she sees him jog around to the other side, opening the door for her. She gratefully accepts his outstretched hand and hops down, not feeling as cold with him so close.
She tries to remind herself not to fall so easily and quickly ducks her head. "Thank you for the ride" she murmurs. "And for everything you said. I guess I'll see you around."
Before she can leave his voice stops her. "Wait" he calls. "I have something for you."
She quirks an eyebrow curiously, watching as he reaches into the back of the truck. He pulls something out but quickly hides it behind his back with a nervous smile. "I was going the give you these later but..." He awkwardly pulls out the gorgeous pink roses from behind his back with a card attached. She gapes as he hands them to her warily. "I couldn't wait."
She takes them carefully, gawking in awe between him and the flowers. "F-for me?"
He nods with another adorable smile. "Thank you, Finn...they're lovely" she says authentically. "I-I...you...I...thank you."
"No problem, Rach." He takes a step closer and sends her an alluring smirk. "Buckle up, gorgeous...you're being wooed."
A laugh actually escapes her lips as she looks up at his darling face, feeling warm. She touches her face in disbelief. "I just laughed-"
"-You did-"
"-And it didn't hurt-"
"-It was the most beautiful sound in the world."
She looks up at him with a glowing sense of esteem. "Thanks, Finn."
"Anytime, Rach."
He walks her into the building and to her locker, making her feel protected from the judgmental crowds of students. She likes the feeling. She could get used to it.
She daintily puts the flowers in her locker before grabbing her books. "You should get to class" she murmurs, looking up to see him leaning against the locker next to hers, affection in his eyes. She feels fuzzy.
He sigh reluctantly with a nod. "Will you come eat lunch with all of us today?"
She mulls it over silently. "Umm...I don't think they want me there-"
"I want you there" he says gently. "And if they step out of line, I'll be there...I promise."
"But I promised myself that I wouldn't be your friend or anything" she says quietly. "I'm not doing a good job of that."
"We both hurt when we avoid each other" he points out. "Let's just...take it slow." He pouts at her. "Please?"
She huffs after a moment. "Fine" she agrees. "But I'm talking glacial pace slow. Don't get your hopes up."
He grins excitedly. "Awesome...you won't regret it."
She rolls her eyes in feigned annoyance. "I already am."
He laughs before sending her a serene, loving smile. "I'll see you in English" he says backing up slowly. "'Tis the East...erm...something, something, something...and Rachel is the sun!'"
She finds the corners of her lips quirking upwards, another laugh escaping her. "You're so articulate...go on. Get out of here."
He grins. "I love you."
And she feels even warmer. "Bye, Finn."
Then he disappears and she's left watching after him, not caring that she broke her promise. It's too hard without him. But she knows she's got to slow it down. He has a lot of making up to do.
But when she slips on his sweater and is engulfed in the scent and feel of him, she can feel herself getting a bit better.
Baby steps, Rachel.
"I can't smile without you,
I can't laugh
and I can't sing,
I'm findin' it hard to do anything..."
AN#2: aww...yay! Baby steps :)
Hints for future plot: slushies, a school dance (SO EXCITED FOR THIS ONE!) and a journey to forgiveness for our favourite couple. i might even change the rating to M...should i?
THANKS FOR READING, PLEASE REVIEW AND LOVE TO ALL!