Chapter 10: Divided Confusion

Her body was calmed by the kill. All anger left. All hate left. Peacefulness was not what she felt though. She felt something different. The satisfaction had been surprisingly short. What was this feeling? It was something she had never felt before. Confusion struck her. There was something wrong with her. She felt anxious and worrisome, about what she wasn't sure. Her own skin didn't feel right. Nothing felt right at the moment. Everything was wrong.

Raven was now repulsed by her previous behavior. The horror she had done was making her sick. Was this what guilt felt like? Not quite. This was something different. She wasn't guilty about Briaster's death. She was guilty about the way she had killed him. How did this make sense? She had always felt wonderful after her wicked acts. Now all she felt was pain. Why?

Incompleteness was flowing within her. She had been so satisfied and now she was so dissatisfied. Tears were actually beginning to build in her eyes. Had she ever cried before? Raven couldn't remember. Her body shook slightly with uneasiness. She sat in the corner of her room holding her knees tightly against her chest. She was breathing heavily now.

Before a tear could make its way out of her eyes, she shut them and leaned her head back against the wall. She felt afraid. All these feelings were so alien. "What is wrong with me" she whispered. Blackness began to surround her. She quickly covered herself with her dark energy. All she wanted to do was hide. Her energy was usually so comforting, but now it only felt cold, like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on her. Immediately she got rid of the darkness. It was not helping. It was somehow making things worse.

Slowly she stood up. Her eyes were still completely shut. Out, was all she wanted, but you cannot escape your own emotions. You cannot escape your own self. It is impossible. There was one thing she could do though. She could leave this place until she had figured this out. Earth was the only other place she could get to.

Throwing her blood stained clothes off, Raven quickly pulled on something she had not worn in a long time. She slipped her feet and legs through the black leotard and her hands and arms through the long sleeves. She reached back and slowly zipped up the back. She clipped two amulets to her wrist then slowly wrapped the belt around her waist. A new clean cloak was draped over her and the shoes slid on with ease.

Pulling the hood tightly over her head to cover her face, she threw out as many emotions as she possibly could. Then to earth she went. Raven shivered from her own power's darkness and coldness. She let herself drop down to the sand in front of the water. Raven sat on her knees and starred at the water. The scenery was comforting. It wasn't completely dark yet, but the sun had just set.

Raven wrapped her arms around herself. Vulnerable was what she felt. Her thoughts were so clouded with these unusual emotions, that she couldn't even remember what vileness felt like, the way she had hungered for it. It was mysteriously gone, replaced by self-consciousness and horror. It was dismayingly confusing. Everything she had been taught, she was beginning to question.

Raven was divided. She felt that she was either evilly demonic or courteously human. There was no balance. This was what the problem was. Her body didn't know how to bring both halves together. Would she ever truly be whole, or would she be forever split. Thinking straight and coming up with a plan was not easy. Her fear wanted to overrun herself. The only thing she could come up with was getting her body back to its demonic self so that she could think straight and better face the problem. Better said than done. Her body wanted to be anything but wicked at the moment.

She needed to focus on her original nature. What would her father think? Raven couldn't even bring herself to think of him. Pulling on her hair slightly, she gave a frustrated growl. Who was she? She had used to know, or at least thought she had known. Now, Raven was completely confused about her identity. Was she a demon or was she a human? Could these two blood lines exist in one person comfortably? It didn't seem like it.

Shutting her eyes tightly, Raven tried to focus on finding her center. She gritted her teeth together for a moment searching for a place within her mind where she could calm herself. "Azarath Metrion Xinthos", she struggled to force the mantra out of her mouth. Again, she repeated it, enunciating each syllable clearly and slowly. The stress in her body began to drain away at an extremely slow pace.

After about the tenth time of saying her special words, she heard a voice behind her. It was defiantly familiar, but she wasn't sure what had been said. Opening her eyes, she turned her head to find the origin of the voice. A boy with messy spiked hair and pointed ears stood a short distance away. It was completely dark now and she could only see the outline of the person. Raven knew exactly who it was. There was only one boy with pointed ears she knew and she had met him earlier that day, Beastboy.

Raven starred at him, but didn't say a word. What was he doing out so late? Though, she guessed he could ask her the same thing.

He repeated his question, "What are you doing?"

She didn't respond, instead she turned back towards the water. There was an awkward moment of silence.

"Are you okay, Raven?" he asked slowly, sensing that something was wrong.

The girl didn't answer right away. Instead she starred at her hands blankly before she finally answered, "I… don't know… … No I'm not…" her honesty didn't surprise her this time. She wasn't really even thinking. She had just spoken.

The boy stepped over to her and kneeled beside her, "what happened?"

"I don't know" she whispered and she then wrapped her arms around herself gently.

He raised his hand and rested it on her shoulder. "You can tell me" he said gently, "I will listen."

Tears were beginning to build in her eyes again. She glanced over at him and shook her head silently. He couldn't know. Nobody could know. Nobody would accept her, if they knew she wasn't completely human and the horrible things she had done.

The tears began to come fully now. Beastboy embraced her. Raven wouldn't accept this comfort. She felt that it made her even weaker. Instead she pushed him harshly away and stood up, glaring at him. He was thrown back onto his back suddenly and confusingly looked at her. Was she glaring at him? Maybe he should have asked.

Sitting back up and dusting the sand off himself he tried to apologize, "I'm sorry. I should have asked and…" he was interrupted by the girl who yelled at him.

"Don't touch me" she screamed. Tears were spilling out of her eyes constantly now, "don't pity me" she added.

Beastboy was stood up and put up his hands in submission and said calmly "I was just trying to help."

The girl's voice was sharp when she spoke, "trust me; you wouldn't want to help me, if you knew what I was!"

the boy looked at her confusingly. What did that mean?

Raven was angry. Not with him, but with herself. She shouldn't have taken out her anger and confusion out on him. He was just trying to help. He didn't know anything.

She sunk back down to her knees and said quietly "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

His eyes softened, "hey, it's okay. Don't worry about it."

His eyes widened suddenly when she threw herself onto him. He quickly caught her and held her gently. She buried her face into his shoulder and continued to weep. He stood there firmly and completely shocked. What just happened? One minute she was yelling at him angrily and the next she was falling into his arms for comfort.

Her hood was now about half way off. Beastboy pulled it slowly back over her head and stood her up. She opened her eyes and looked at him.

"Hey, wanna get some pizza?" he asked.

Raven blinked, "but it's completely dark out."

"I know" he said, "but that doesn't mean that everything's closed down."

She gently smiled at him, "I'd like that."

The boy beamed, grinned at her and then took her by the hand and led her to the pizza parlor.

Once they were seated he immediately ordered a large cheese pizza.

"So… what were you doing on the beach?" asked Beastboy, trying to start conversation.

Raven glanced down for a moment before she looked back at him, "I…" she stopped.

She wasn't sure what to say, how to answer that question. What was she doing on the beach?

"Getting away from home … I guess" she finally responded.

"Did something happen?" he asked, not quite sure if he should be asking that question.

"No!" Raven responded quickly, then slowly added, "not exactly" quietly.

Before he could respond the pizza arrived and the girl quickly grabbed a slice and bit into her trying to avoid any more questions. Beastboy gave a slightly unnoticeable sigh, then grabbed a slice as well.

As the girl ate silently she tried to think of a way to snap herself back to her normal self. Maybe doing something wrong would help. That had been the thing that had gotten her into this mess. Perhaps it would also get her out. As much as she didn't want to, she needed to force herself. This mindset would only drag her lower.

Beastboy watched her silently wondering what she was thinking. Her facial expression had changed into a thoughtful one.

The only thing that she was sure she could get herself to do was kill someone that should be dead anyway, someone who broke the laws. Then when she was beginning the kill she could up herself to killing him harshly. This would work. It had to work. She couldn't stay this way for much longer. What if someone found out? She'd be dead. Her once proud reputation that she had worked so hard on would be lowered. She couldn't let that happen, plus all this fear and distress was driving her nuts. She didn't want to feel this way anymore.

He could tell something had changed. She didn't seem so upset anymore. She almost looked determined. Now what had happened? Her helplessness was going away and replaced with something else.

After a few more slices Raven looked at him gently and thanked him for the meal and the comfort. She was being sincere. Nobody had ever helped her before, though she had never really needed help until now.

Beastboy nodded his head and smiled warmly, "happy to help"

"I think I should go … now" Raven said quietly.

The boy stood up, "here, I'll walk you home."

The girl smiled at him, but shook her head, "Thank you, but no thank you. I think I'll be okay.

"Are you sure" he asked concerned.

"I'm sure" she said nodding her head.

Before he could think of something else to say she hugged him lightly, "Thank you" she whispered into his ear and then she ran off.

His mouth dropped open and he just stood there. Had she just hugged him? Did a girl really just hug him?

Raven ran down the street. She could already feel a few changes. She felt more confident. She still felt bad about doing this, but at least her confidence was back. She turned down an alleyway sharply. Now it was time to find someone to kill. The best place to find thugs were in the alleyways and the darkness and night was an extra bonus. There was a high chance that she would find one quickly. She slowed down to a walk and let her hood fall back. Now all she needed was to look lost and helpless. They wouldn't be able to resist the bait.

Her heart was pounding inside her chest. She was already feeling guilty about doing this. She needed to hurry, so that she wouldn't feel this way any longer. Turning down another path she slowed her pace when she thought she heard something. Had she found her prey?

The answer was confirmed when a big man stepped out of the shadows in front of her, "well little lady, where are you heading of too."

Quickly the girl skidded to a stop. She could already feel the panic trying to take control. She made herself focus on the task at hand.

She took a step back and jumped when a loud voice rang out from behind her, "yea, what is a fragile thing like you doing out here in the big bad woods."

Raven froze and made herself breath." Stay focused" she whispered under her breath so that only she may hear it.

Her left arm was grabbed by the man behind her and he pulled her somewhat gently closer to him.

"You lost little girl" he laughed.

She yanked her arm out of his grip, "I am not a little girl." Her voice was not shaky has she said this.

The other man burst out laughing, "are you looking for trouble … huh girl."

She suddenly tried to run, making it look like she was afraid even though she was already kind of afraid. The same man who had grabbed her before caught the back of her hood with ease.

"What's the matter princess, are we not good enough for you" he teased.

Raven gave an inaudible hiss and her eyes narrowed. She did not like being taunted.

"Release me at once" she said her voice only slightly shaky.

"oy, what position are you in to make the orders. We say what's going on here."

The girl let out another slight hiss. She did not like being told what to do. Already her mind was changing rapidly.

"I do believe that what I say goes" the girl said mostly calmly.

The two laughed.

"What puts you in charge" yelled one between laughs.

"I could ask you the same thing" Raven said her voice getting darker.

"We're bigger, better and stronger" shouted the other one.

"Are you sure about that?" she questioned mischievously.

They both stopped laughing. Her voice had darkened a considerable amount. Before either one could say something she threw the one restraining her over her head and into the wall. Her eyes lit up lightly with power.

"Hey, nobody does that to my brother except for me" yelled the one still standing and he lunged at her.

Raven moved swiftly out of the way and kicked him to the ground. She went and stood by his head. He nervously looked up and caught sight of her glowing eyes and tried to back away. The girl didn't give him the chance. Black energy surrounded her hand and she lifted him above the ground and put his back against the wall.

"Who are you to threaten me" she hissed, "I'm the one that does the threatening. Understand."

The terrified man nodded his head as he began to shake.

Her other hand lit up with her powers and she easily lifted the dazed man she had thrown against the wall into the hair and positioned him next to his brother.

"Do you have a death wish" growled she.

Both men immediately shook their heads, "No, ppplease let us go".

"I'm afraid it's too late for that" she said mockingly, "I have heard your death wish loud and clear and I am happy to fulfill it."

The men squirmed for everything they were worth. They were both filled with terror.

The half demon clamped down on their necks with her powers. Both pair of hands instantly went to their throats. They could barely breathe. She paused, thinking about what method she wanted to use to kill them. Should she follow through and strangle them, or use a different strategy? She already had them by their throats so she might as well finish them off this way.

She curled her hands into a fist, crushing their windpipes with her action. They were thrashing around trying to get free, but with one last final movement of her fingers she crushed their tracheas completely and they stopped moving. Death had claimed their bodies now.

Her energy disappeared and their lifeless bodies dropped to the ground with a thud. Turning away from them, Raven prepared to go home. He eyes shone brighter and she disappeared. She landed lightly on her feet in her room.

The girl felt much better now. Everything made sense again and all those stupid annoying emotions were gone. She smiled. It felt so good to be back. She wasn't crawling out of her own skin anymore. Everything felt right, exactly how it should be.

She closed her eyes for a moment. "Thank you Beastboy" she said quietly, "I couldn't have done this without you. Her eyes opened and she smiled. It was true. If he hadn't showed up and calmed her down she would still be sitting there pulling her hair out and would have gotten nowhere. Because of his kindness she was able to turn herself around and back to what she had been, and she thanked him greatly for that.