Chapter 10

Chapter 10!

I just want to mention again - this was written BEFORE Trespasser! Which means it won't follow the Trespasser plot!

Other than that - I have decided to not rewrite things, and just post it as it is. Be gentle, will you? xD I've gotten a lot more follows/favs than what I expected (yay, wow, and thank you! You lovely people, you!) and now I just hope I don't let you down. xD

Anyway, let's get on with the story!

-o-

Chapter 10 - Stargazing

The rest of the journey passed by without any major events, and Hermione found she was rather fond of travelling by horse. She was also rather fond of the fact that Solas was riding next to her a lot of the time, and that he was teaching her elven. She was even getting rather good at it, being ever the quick learner.

-o-

Eventually, they reached the Western Approach, and Hermione had very mixed feelings about the whole thing. They arrived late in the evening, and after chatting with Scout Harding – something Hermione was overly enthusiastic about – they found a suitable place to camp, and not long after, the wards were set, the tent pitched, and everyone were in their beds.

Well, except Hermione. She had made sure to let her wards cover a tall stone pillar, so she could do some stargazing.

Solas wasn't sleeping either, apparently, because she felt his magical signature as he exited the tent. There was a long moment of silence, and then she heard his voice. "Hermione?"

She rolled over on her belly and peeked over the edge of the pillar. "Up here!"

It took him a moment before he noticed her. "How did you get up there?"

Hermione apparated down, startling The Dread Wolf. "Sorry," she said with mirth, "I didn't mean to startle you. Do you want to join me?"

He raised an eyebrow. "And what exactly are you doing on top of a stone pillar?"

"Stargazing."

-o-

A little while later, they were lying on their backs on top of the stone pillar, gazing at the beautiful sky.

Hermione was rather lost in thought, going through the Fade in her mind. When a mental image of the small cemetery popped up in her head, she stopped.

"Solas," she said quietly. "things are different now – since I am here – so I am wondering, what will you do, if we manage to save the orb? I think it will be destroyed though, but if that doesn't happen? Then what?"

Solas was silent for a long moment. "I am not certain I want to save it any longer. The power it contains – it is too dangerous."

"So you aren't planning on reshaping the world?"

"No. I thought you already knew that?"

"It's been a long time – it feels like a long time, at least – since we discussed it. You said it was a bad idea, but you never told me whether you would still do it."

"Hm," he said. "true."

They laid there in silence for a little while before Hermione dared to say what was on her mind. "Solas," she said softly, "what are you going to do when Corypheus is gone? The original timeline says that you go to Flemeth – Mythal – but that won't end all that well for you."

"Much is uncertain, Lethallan," he said quietly. "And much have changed in a very short time, after you arrived."

"Can you at least promise me one thing?"

"What would that be?"

She sighed. "If you decide to leave…at least say goodbye. Don't just vanish. That's all I ask. Not that you tell me where you are going, not anything, just a goodbye."

"I promise, Lethallan."

-o-

Hermione had yet another subject she wanted to breach, but it was difficult to figure out how to approach it.

"Tell me what is on your mind," Solas suddenly said, and Hermione turned her head to look at him, finding him looking at her. She was about to speak, but he continued. "You have a question for me, or some subject you wish to talk about."

Hermione gave him a puzzled look. "How did you know?"

"Your breathing changes slightly, perhaps to keep up with your mind, and you go still, except for your hands. You curl them into fists every now and then." He turned his head, gazing at the sky again. "And you bite your lip." Hermione didn't quite know what to say, but then Solas continued again. "Tell me, Lethallan, what ails your mind?"

Hermione paused for a moment, but then she sighed. "All right. Do you want the melodramatic introduction, or the rational-explanation-introduction?"

Solas turned his head, looking at her with a hint of bemusement. "You have been contemplating this rather thoroughly, it seems."

She rolled her eyes. "Yes."

"The melodramatic introduction."

Hermione smirked. "Alright," she said before turning her gaze to the sky again, and Solas did the same. She waited for a long moment, letting the silence sink over them again. Melodramatic introduction it was.

"Dying alone isn't what you should fear the most, Lethallin," she said quietly, softly, "Dying is just that. You die. What you should fear; is spending your life alone. Whether you die alone is not exactly something you can choose, or something you can plan for. Life, however, is all about choices. And plans. You can choose to not spend your life alone."

There was a very long moment of utter silence, and Hermione almost held her breath, waiting for his reaction.

"That was...unexpected," he finally said, ever so quietly. "Why are you telling me this?"

"There is a graveyard in the Fade. Not exactly a graveyard, it's a small area with tombstones. And the inscriptions on the tombstones are everyone's deepest, darkest fear. You will be seeing them when we get there, so I wanted to tell you before we got there." She paused for a moment. "On my first playthrough of the game, I didn't quite get it. Yes, dying alone is a legit, deep fear, no doubt, but I didn't understand the depth of it, because I didn't know who you truly are. I remember it puzzled me, because everyone else's fears were so logical. Dorian's fear is temptation, Iron Bull's is insanity, and Cole's is despair. All these make so much sense, but yours? I didn't quite get it. On my second playthrough, however…it affected me to the point where I had to take a break. Anyway, the point is that I wanted to tell you before we got there."

Solas was silent for a while, but then he spoke. "Life is about choices, you say. What would you do, if you were to choose for me?"

"Your worst fear is dying alone, and yet, you choose to spend your life alone. Yes, you have the Fade, your friends there, but that is different, isn't it? You have the Fade, and yet you tell the Inquisitor that you haven't had anyone you could trust in a long time, that you are not used to it. This, to me, suggests that the Fade is not enough. I can quote you, actually, what you said to the Spirit of Command. 'This realm follows different rules from the Fade's. Will alone cannot overcome what you seek. A solid form is both shackle and strength. It affects more than you can imagine.'" Hermione turned to look at him. "My theory is that you need both."

"And if your theory is indeed correct," he said, meeting her gaze, "what would you suggest next?"

"You have found your place in the Fade," Hermione said as she turned to look at the stars, "you have found your role, and your identity. You walk the Fade with security, without hesitation. You speak to spirits, and you know who they are - what they are, because they are spirits of compassion, of justice, of wisdom, and you know what to expect. You can walk with certainty, because it is familiar, and predictable to a certain point. You can lose yourself in ancient memories, blend into events that were real...once. This too is predictable, because it has already happened, and it will not affect the world we live in. In the Fade, you have found your place, and your role."

Hermione took a deep breath before continuing. "But this realm, where will alone cannot overcome what you seek, have you found the same? Is a solid form strength, or shackle for you? Both, I imagine, but perhaps one is stronger than the other?"

She turned to look at him, and found him already looking at her. "I digress, don't I? I tend to do that. As for what I would suggest next? I would suggest that you find your place, your role in this realm." She gazed at him for a long moment before continuing, studying his expression as she did. "I suggest…that you realise, and that you allow yourself to believe that you do, in fact, deserve a place in this realm."

Studying his expression gave Hermione some of the answers she had been searching for. She kept looking at him, even though he turned his eyes to the stars again.

"Because that is the core of it, isn't it?" she said softly. "That is why you travel alone, why you don't allow anyone in. And that is why you haven't found your place here. Because you don't think you deserve it. That is why you choose to deny yourself happiness. That is why your deepest fear is dying alone. You fear it because that is the only outcome you can imagine. That is why. That is the reason for everything, isn't it?"

Hermione took his silence as a yes, and turned her eyes to the stars. "Do you know what I think, Lethallin?"

"No," he replied after a long moment. "But perhaps you will tell me?"

"I think you are looking at this all wrong. And it is all rather counterproductive."

"How so?"

"Just imagine," she said as she folded her hands on her belly. "Just imagine all the good you could do, if you just decided to take part in this world." She paused for a moment. "Do you want the blunt, harsh version of what I am about to say, or the softer, wrapped version?"

He gave her a puzzled look before looking at the stars again. "Blunt and harsh."

She nodded, and gazed at the stars as well. "I think, Solas, that you need to suck it up and get on with your life. I think you need to stop wallowing in ancient guilt and grief – no one gains from it, after all – and change your view on the world. Everyone makes mistakes. Some mistakes are worse than others, of course, but wallowing in guilt and grief does nothing to help mend the mistake. Find a cause, a purpose. Don't spend your life watching almost forgotten, faded memories. Go out and make some memories for yourself instead."

She turned her head, and found him staring at her. "What? I am right. Think about it; what would be better – travelling alone, not speaking to anyone, not trusting anyone – or finding a cause, a purpose, something that would help a lot of people. Your guilt and grief is, in fact, the self-centred option of these two." His eyes widened, and she sighed. "I'm sorry. But the truth is that you are wrong. You do deserve a place in this world."

"You do not know the whole story. You don't know what I did."

Hermione shrugged. "True. But I do know a couple of things. I know that the 'official' story, of the evil Trickster who locked away the Dalish gods isn't the truth. I know Mythal is, in fact, very much alive, and I know that you think you made a wrong choice. You think the wrong choice was made by a much younger elf that was certain he knew everything. But I know that did not do it to be right. He did it to save them. And I know…that the choice was, in fact, not wrong. You weren't wrong."

"Forgive me for my scepticism," he said. "But how do you know this, as you say?"

"Because Cole says so," she simply said. "And I have yet to see Cole being wrong about anything."

"Cole views things differently. Different does not always mean right."

Hermione shook her head before turning to look at him. "Actually - in Cole's case at least - it does. He listened in on you, and although your thoughts are filled with guilt, and you are certain you were wrong, Cole saw past your guilt and opinions, and found a more objective view. Your judgement is clouded, but his is not. Cole listens, picks up the pieces of the puzzle, and put them together. Cole does not let his own feelings or opinions get in the way, he just wants to help. And to do so, he needs the truth, so he can find the best way to help. I have never seen Cole be wrong. Thus, I believe he is right about you." Solas just gazed at her, so she sighed. "These are my opinions, Solas. My view. And although I am rather convinced they are close to the truth, I am not as foolish as to think I know everything. Forgive me if I have offended you. That was not my intention. I just want you to be happy, Solas. That's all I want."

"There is much truth in what you say, Lethallan. I am not offended. I will…think about it."

"Thank you, Lethallin," Hermione said, giving him a small smile. "I appreciate it."