Chapter 10: Mind Games
Loki P.O.V
I ended the magic and fell to my feet, dry heaving in the carpet. No one, not even Thor came to help me. When I got to my feet, I noticed that the room had fallen silent. Everyone stared at me. I subconsciously narrowed my stance, taking a step backwards. My shoulders hitched higher and my fists balled, ready for a fight.
"Loki. I-I should have known. I should have seen. I'm so sorry." Thor's voice broke, husky from unshed tears.
"And I thought that I had problems." Stark said from his seat on a chair.
"If this is anyone's fault, it's that purple guy's." Banner said staunchly.
"You weren't able to control yourself at all?" The Captain asked.
"He killed his own father?" Barton sounded outraged.
"So that was Asgard." Natasha said thoughtfully.
"Enough! If you will be quiet, I can explain all and answer any questions you may have." I cut through the cacophony.
The hubbub died down and all eyes turned to me.
"When I let go and fell into the void, I wasn't thinking clearly. I had thought that my father told me that I would never be Thor's equal in his eyes. That had been what I craved throughout my life; being a worthy son to him. Something snapped in me, I felt like I lost whatever humanity I had left. I crashed into a barren wasteland, broken and numb, and something found me. Thanos the Destroyer. He tortured me, battering my depleted defenses until he forced his way into my mind. I was chained into a corner of my mind and forced to watch my body's actions. I had no control over myself. This was the worst part. I have always valued my mind as the best part of myself, and to have it ... breached in such a way is a violation of myself. A few times I rallied my meager strength and was able to change my actions, albeit slightly. An instance was when I revealed Thanos's plan to Agent Romanoff or when I diverted the spear enough to miss the agent's heart. When Doctor Banner threw me around like a rag doll, which I am very grateful for, I was able to overthrow Thanos's influence and reaffirm my dominance. I regained my mind somewhat, only to be thrown into a room with just a cot for a millennia, my problems still not resolved. Even though Thanos's control waxed in the cell, I was able to keep him at bay. Now, if you have questions?" No one moved or said anything throughout my speech.
"I should have been a better brother. I should have been there for you when we were younger. I was so caught up in my own pride that I ignored you, telling myself that you didn't need or want my help. I am so sorry. I do not deserve your forgiveness." Thor said, his voice breaking.
"Thor. The only one at fault here is me. I brought it upon myself." I said bitterly.
"You killed your own father? Your biological one, I mean?" Banner asked me.
"Yes, I did. I had thought that my entire life was a lie, that I did not matter, that I had no purpose in the world, that I would never be equal to Thor. I waged a personal war against Odin, while getting my revenge on Laufey for abandoning me. I was misguided, vain, stupid, angry. I should not have done any of it. If I had learned to see the good in my life instead of blind ambition, I could have been happy. All of this could have been avoided if not for my stupid pride." Banner, Stark, Rogers, and Thor wore similar expressions of sympathy and grief.
"You had no control at all?" The Captain asked me.
"No. I could only watch in horror as my body was controlled, even my thoughts were not my own. Out of spite, I disrupted his plans in small ways when I gathered all my strength. Subconsciously, I must have wanted to divert any harm on Midgard because of Thor. I, personally, did not kill anyone outside of Thanos's influence. Thanos used his control over me to kill them through me." I looked away at this, ashamed of myself.
"Wait. You say you didn't kill anyone, but what about Coulson?" Stark asked me.
"Who is this Coulson?" I asked.
"The agent you stabbed through the heart before you sent Thor plummeting down in a glass cage." Barton spat.
"I did not kill him. Harm him, yes. But not kill. That was one of the handful of times where I overrode my orders. I moved the blade to such an angle that I missed his heart and other major organs and just hit muscle. He should still be alive if he received medical aid in time." I said.
"Bullshit!" Clint shouted.
"Hey, Clint. How did you not know that Loki was being controlled? I mean you were being controlled by someone who was being controlled." Stark asked quickly.
"I-I don't know. Look, I tried to repress every memory of that time. I don't want to revisit it now, so if you don't mind, I'm out of here." Barton started to walk out of the room.
I stopped him with a hand to the bicep. "I know how it feels to have someone take your brain and play, pull you out, and stuff something else in. I know what it feels like to be unmade. You know that I do."
He shrugged out of my cool grip and paced around the room. "There were times, times that I thought I could hear another voice layered on top of yours in my thoughts. But I shrugged it off, just sticking to the job. After, I forgot it because I wanted to blame you and only you. I still hate you, you bastard."
"I understand. I would hate me as well, no matter what I would do to atone for my mistakes. I do not blame you for hating me. I would try to forget my past as well. But I cannot, for it is what makes me who I am and keeps me from giving in to my nature." I said.
"I don't want your sympathy." He snarled and stalked out of the room.
"Well that went well." Stark quipped.
"Yes indeed." I sighed.
The next day, I stumbled into the kitchen, dressed in the comfortable clothes Stark calls pajamas. No one was up yet, so I glanced at the small display. It read 6:10. Stark had told me to talk to 'Jarvis' if I needed anything.
"Hello." I said experimentally.
"Hello, Mr. Laufeyson. What can I do for you?" A disembodied voice spoke.
"Err, nothing. I was just wondering when everyone else is expected to awaken." I said awkwardly.
"Mr. Rogers normally wakes in twenty minutes, followed by Agents Hawkeye and Romanoff. Mr. Stark and Doctor Banner usually wake from 8 to 10, and I do not know about Mr. Odinson." Jarvis said.
"Oh, thank you." I said.
I had learned how to cook on Asgard. Mother had wanted me to, saying that I would need it someday. The skill came in handy now, as I looked around the cabinets and retrieved ingredients and utensils for breakfast. I wasn't quite sure I was so cheery, but it seems that this feeling comes from telling all of your secrets to people who want to help you. When Rogers walked into the kitchen, he found me in an apron making waffles.
"Oh. Hi. Good morning." He looked around awkwardly, still in pajamas, as was I.
"Good morning. I am making breakfast. Would you like some waffles? I am not sure how I am making this Midgardian dish, but they seem to be turning out all right." I said cheerily.
"Uh, sure." He accepted a plate and sat down.
After a minute, he looked up in surprise. "This is really good!"
"I am glad you think so." I gave him a smile.
"What on Sam Hill smells so good?" Stark said with Banner walking behind him sleepily.
"I am making waffles." I explained. "Butter and syrup are on the table."
"They're really good." Rogers added through a full mouth.
"I'm game." Stark also accepted a plate, as did Banner.
"Brother. What heavenly smells doth draw my nose forward to this abode? Thor clumped in.
I sighed and gave him a plate. "Waffles. A Midgardian delicacy. Enjoy."
When he finished his stack of waffles, he threw the plate on the ground. "I like this dish. Another!"
"Thor! Yikes, buddy. You can't just do that. It's not good table manners." Stark jumped in alarm.
"I meant no disrespect." Thor just grinned, making no move to clear the shards.
I sighed and worked a spell to repair the plate. "Please excuse my brother. He has not traveled outside of Asgard in many years and has no grasp of Midgardian etiquette. The last time he went, mortals were whacking at each other with swords and horned helmets."
"Oh, okay. It's fine then. Hey. Why are you so chipper today?" Stark noticed my good mood.
"I do not know. I feel ... lighter, unburdened." I said thoughtfully, just sitting down with my waffles.
"Well that's good. It's better to have a happy God of Mischief than a bored one." Stark quipped.
An alarm went off suddenly. Red lights flashed and sirens whined. The Avengers ran from the table and to each of their respective rooms. When they came out in their uniforms, I realized that they had to go out and fight. Rogers hesitated, looking at me.
"What are we going to do about him?" He asked the rest of the group.
"I will stay with my brother." Thor stepped forward.
"Don't be silly. I can stay here by myself." I rolled my eyes.
"How can we trust you?" Barton asked.
"Hmm. Will this suffice?"
I moved my hands and murmured in a spell. When I finished, I walked to an open window and stuck my arm out and grinned at the Captain.
"Ow! What the hell is that?" He shook his head and stumbled a few steps.
"That is an alarm that will tell you if I do anything dangerous, like go out of this building or poke my long nose where it doesn't belong." I grinned crookedly.
"Okay. Well now that's fixed, can we go now?" Stark asked impatiently.
"Be safe brother. I will return after the battle." Thor promised gravely.
"Go after them, you bloodthirsty lug. Go get another villain for a change." I smirked.
After a few backwards glances, the Avengers ran out of the room and to the planes. I could see them through the windows as the planes took off.
Poor Lokes! But Coulson didn't die! Hmmm. Loki's a good cook! Who woulda thunk?! And Loki and Clint sorta made up! Who are the Avengers fighting now? And what's Loki gonna do alone in the house? R&R please. I'm dying of neglect!