"You're only three months pregnant, but you look like you're five." Hershel said, putting his fist in front his mouth in thought. "You might be expecting twins." I pulled my shirt down over my swollen belly. I was only twelve weeks along, but I was already so huge. I didn't remember Lori being this big, so I thought Hershel's guess was probably right.
"Thanks, Hershel." I said sadly, walking out of his cell and into the cafeteria. I saw Carol, like always, making something in front of the cooking area. Beth was talking to a new boy that they had brought in about two weeks ago. What was his name again? Zach? I couldn't remember, and honestly, I didn't really care. I tried not to get to know any of these new people they were bringing in left and right. The only two I did really try to know were Shasha and Tyrese.
"What did Hershel say?" She asked as I sat down at the table closest to her.
"That I might be carrying twins because I look too big to be carrying a single baby." I bit the inside of my cheek. As if raising one baby in the apocalypse wouldn't be hard enough. Now I had to worry about two. I folded my arms on the table and rested my head on my arms. I felt nauseous. I hated this morning sickness so much. I hated this pregnancy so much. "When does this morning sickness bullshit end?" I asked Carol. She laughed a bit.
"It's common throughout the first trimester. But some women experience it their whole pregnancy." She scooped spoonfuls of rice in a bowl and set it in front of me. I groaned but sat up and took the spoon Carol had handed me. I kept the thought that if whatever was inside of me wasn't healthy, then I wasn't healthy. That was the only thing that could make me eat when I was nauseous like this.
"The only good thing about this pregnancy is that my boobs are getting huge." I joked, trying to lighten up my own mood. Carol laughed, sitting down across from me. I ate the first spoonful quickly.
"You won't find it so funny when you start to lactate through your bra." I looked at Carol in horror.
"That really happens?" I glanced down at my chest just to make sure it hadn't happened to me.
"Yeah," She said truthfully. "But not until a little while later. At least it was that way for me." I nodded, eating another spoonful. I had to swallow hard to force the bland tasting food down my throat.
"Where's everyone else?" I asked, trying to change the subject. I knew Carol got emotional when she started to think about Sophia. Beth and her probably-soon-to-be-boyfriend Zach went outside, and it was just Carol and I in the cafeteria now.
"Rick is outside with Hershel learning the way of farming, Daryl and Michonne are out on a run, again, Glenn and Maggie are taking watch in Tower One, and Carl, Judy, Sasha, and Tyreese are all with our new members in D block." I nodded, finishing the rice. Carol took my bowl and went back up to the cooking area. "You like green beans?" She asked, taking a spoon full of the vegetables out of the hot pot. I shrugged.
"I've never had them." I said truthfully. The only healthy things I'd ever eaten were fruits. I don't ever think I've even ever had a vegetable.
"Not even once?" Carol asked. I shook my head.
"I was born and raised on junk food with the occasional exception of an apple here and there. Are you really surprised? You know my dad." I said, shrugging it off.
"Well, you're going to try them now." She said, scooping a few beans into my rice bowl. She placed them in front of me and I picked up the spoon I had eaten my rice with. "Healthy foods are good for the baby. Or babies," She corrected herself. I put a hand on my belly and fit a spoonful of beans into my mouth. I chewed and swallowed while Carol watched with curious eyes.
"Not that bad. Not my favorite, but the worst." I said, continuing to eat the dish before staring up at the window near the roof. It was only mid-morning at the latest.
"My back is killing me. I'm going to go lay down and maybe take a nap or something." I said, standing up awkwardly. "Thanks, Carol." She said that I was welcome and I headed to the stairs. I got to my bunk slowly, and laid down on the now uncomfortably hard bunk. I was three months pregnant with twins. In six months, I would be a sixteen-year-old mom. I sighed; when you turned sixteen, you were supposed to get your driver's license, not two newborns. I closed my eyes, and tried to not think about how I would be birthing and raising the Governor's children. Just at the thought of my rapist's name, I put my hands protectively over my baby bump. I stayed like that for hours.
I was four months pregnant, but according to everyone in the group, to my back, I looked and felt like I was six months pregnant. At this point, I was completely miserable all the time and I rarely left my cell.
"Ugh," I whined, rolling onto my back and putting my hand on my belly. "It's three in the morning. Can you guys stop moving?" The fetuses inside of me continued to move around, hitting me from the inside. I sighed and gave up on sleeping right now, forcing myself to get up and head to the cafeteria. I was a little hungry, and I convinced myself it's what the babies were moving around so much for. When I got into the cafeteria, I grabbed a handful of freshly chopped pecans and sat at one of the tables. I shoved a few pieces into my mouth as the babies kept kicking.
"Hey," I heard a gruff voice come from behind me. I spun around, seeing my father standing there, placing his crossbow and a sash of squirrels and other small animals with it. He had just come back from a successful hunt. "What are ya doing up?" He asked, sitting down beside me.
"I could as you the same. But it's just because these stupid things won't stop moving." I said, looking angrily down at my midsection. He looked at it too, but didn't say anything for a few minutes.
"Chey, I'm sorry I couldn't protect ya from that fucker. And I'm so sorry ya have to go through this," I looked down. We hadn't talked about it in depth before, and I didn't want to now. I shook my head, knowing that once my dad wanted to talk about it, it was probably going to be spoken about.
"Dad, I'm really tired and I don't want to talk about this right now. I'm not sure if I want to ever talk about it." I confessed, closing my eyes. I felt a headache coming on from just thinking about the Governor and I put my index and middle fingers up to massage my temple.
"Another headache?" He asked me, rubbing my back. I nodded. "Ya should go see Dr. S about that. I know ya like Hershel, but Dr. S is an actual doctor that's dealt with humans." I shook my head.
"Hershel has fixed every medical problem we've ever had. He can help me. I don't know Caleb from a can of paint." I said stubbornly. The new people already made me nervous and I didn't want to put my faith in a man who claims he was a doctor. I didn't know what the hell he was before the turn.
"I know ya don't like to trust a lot of people, but he really was a doctor, Chey," He said. I shook my head, unwilling to trust a man I didn't know. My dad sighed. "At least think about it. I know ya like to think that Hershel can fix everything, but Caleb knows more than you think." I didn't say anything and after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, he decided to change the subject.
"How are ya feeling?" He asked, twiddling his thumbs. There had been an ever present draft between us after I found out I was carrying the Governor's children, and it was definitely showing through right now. I closed my eyes and leaned onto my propped up hands.
"Fantastic," I said, a little more harsh than I wanted it to come out as. I internally shamed myself. Dad was only trying to help me, I reminded myself. I didn't open my eyes as I sat up and blindly reached for the space my father occupied. I found him and enclosed him in my arms as hard as I could have. He immediately hugged me back, pressing his head into my shoulder. I let myself cry a little, just to let out all the anger and stress I've kept hidden inside of me these past few months. The Governor was no where to be seen and the entire group was worried about his location, and the fact that we couldn't find him was another thing that stressed me out beyond belief. As I thought about it, the draft that was between my father and I was also between most of my group members and I. I sighed, pulling away from my father and standing up. He looked up at me, his eyes showing he was slightly hurt.
"It's really late," I said, turning to walk up to my cell. As I'd hoped, my dad wouldn't follow me. "Love you, dad." I said, hoping that he knew. I heard him murmur back the same as I passed the cells of snoring survivors. When I reached my cell, I decided to sit up at my desk and light a candle. Beth had suggested writing down my feelings. She insisted it would make me feel better. I grabbed my small notebook from under my mattress and a pen from the top of my desk and put my thoughts down in ink.
It's been almost a year since the turn. A year since dead people started coming back to life and eating people. Huh. I remember watching Night Of The Living Dead and thinking about how fun it would be to live in a world like that. Look how fucking wrong I was. This is a horrible way to live… A world without rules is a world in chaos. Who said that? It doesn't even matter now, the only thing that matters is that the quote is one-hundred and ten percent true. Seeing people murder each other, seeing people have to kill their undead loved ones, seeing people raping anyone they can get their hands on… Having to go through things nobody should ever have to go through… I will never be the same person I was before. And I can't tell is that's a blessing or a curse.
Putting the pen down, I reached up to scratch my ear. I stopped when I felt the scar that I had forgotten about. Instantly, it was like the Governor was behind me, breathing down my neck.
I stood up faster than I would have thought possible with this baby belly and spun around, hands up defensively. I felt stupid when I realized that it was just a figment of my imagination. I still was paranoid and I moved the sheet and checked down either side of my cell. I found nothing and I tried to calm myself down, going to my desk and hiding the notebook back underneath my mattress. I laid down onto the mattress slowly, trying to calm down my heart beat. I closed my eyes. trying to push myself away from crying.
Maybe it would just be easier to feed myself to walkers, I heard a voice in my head tell me. Or I could just end all of this suffering by eating a bullet.
Think about your dad, Another said. What would he do without you? I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes until I saw what looked like static. When it hurt, I decided to let go. I saw death as an easy way out, but I couldn't do that to my dad. I rolled onto my side, not having realized that the movement inside of me had stopped.
"Thanks guys," I said quietly as I closed my eyes.