SNOW-GLOBETROTTERS

DECEMBER 10 MONDAY

The forest of Eerie Swings was beautifully clad in snow. A group of six or so squibs sat around a fire singing merry squib empowering songs, like Give Squibs A Chance, For He's a Squibby Old Fellow, All You Need Is Squibs and the like.

"It's so nice to be out with my fellow squibs!" said squib 1.

"Despite what the media says I am proud of being a squib!" said squib 2.

Little did they know they were being watched by Dark Wizards.

The two brothers Ri and Juice were virtually identical; they both had long black hair with slick black robes to match and they held in their glove clad hands long black wands. For they were, as mentioned, Dark Wizards and they did not care who knew it. However Ri, the family man, and Juice, the bachelor, didn't see the point in sitting around a fire singing about it. But then, squibs were capable of little else.

Ri glanced at his brother and sighed.

"I just noticed you're wearing the same as me. Again."

(Wand profile: Rosewood, shelob web, 42 cm.)

"We're Dark Wizards, Ri!" said Juice. "Robe options are a little limited."

(Wand profile: Silver fir, scorpion egg, 41,9 cm.)

"You do realise that Chenilles has more than one set of black robes in their collection, don't you?""

Juice smoothed out his waist. "The other robes just weren't black enough."

But enough about their slick robes. They resumed their Squib-Watch.

"Just look at them," said Ri, turning up his nose. "How dare they?"

"I know! Staining our pure Woodland with their dirty existence!"

Ri raised his wand. "If they want to be with their fellow Squibs, I know where there are plenty of them."

He and Juice laughed. Juice raised his wand as well.

"In the grave!"

"Don't explain it."

They killed the lot, put up the Black Mark (a spider on a web) as a reminder that the Tojours Fromage were to be feared. Then they resumed their walk, and stopped to have their coffee and madeleines in a part of the forest that hadn't recently been interfered by dirty squibs.

When their hunchbacked servant had put up their hunting tent they stepped inside and sat down in the chairs in front of the crackling fire. They had told the servant to only put up three walls, so it would still feel like they were actually outdoors.

The servant brought them coffee and madeleines and then he made himself blend in with the wall.

"This is nice," said Ri.

"Is it nice being away from Court on a Monday?"

"The court, the wife. Is it nice getting away from the romance novelling?"

"I'm having a terrible case of writer's block at the moment."

"So anyway. When will you stop calling off engagements and get married already?"

"When I feel like it."
Ri leaned closer and narrowed his eyes. "You're not gay, are you?"

"No, I am not gay."

"You're not just saying you're not gay just so I won't have to try and curse it out of your system?"

"My dear brother, are you really so close minded to believe that if a wizard hasn't married by a certain age he is either gay or mentally ill? You hate your own wife yet the notion of refusing to be married baffles you."

"It does baffle me. It is up to us to keep the pure bloodline going, gay or not."

"I know that. I just think it's enough if you do it."
"Come now. What's really the matter? Problem in the bedroom?"

"Certainly not."

"Oh right, you just don't want to be tied down."

"Last time I was tied down that really caused some problems in the bedroom, I thank you! I just can't be bothered with all that parent stuff."

"Here's a tip: get a nanny!"

"I just don't think any heirs of my own could be half as delightful as my darling nephews!"

"Have you been drinking?"

"Yes."

"Pour me some of that."

Ri held forth his empty cup of coffee and Juice filled it with some Ciroc. Ri swept the lot.

"Sometimes I just want to go back in time and smother them in the crib."
"Why?"

"Just something the missus said..."
"Ohhh..," Juice leaned closer. "Do you suspect the Milk Wizard?"

"I tried to. I asked the maid to make some, ahem, changes to the geneaological tapestry but it remained intact while she lost both hands. Apparently it 'doesn't lie'. Mind you I am a bit suspicious of the fact that there aren't any milk wizards and secretaries on there."
"How's that for an awkward Christmas."

"I don't believe there is anything that 'doesn't lie'. Everything can be made to lie. Common people are too quick to believe that magic is somehow incorruptable." Ri rolled his eyes. "Fools."

"So what did the missus say, then?"

"Oh. One time she caught Sirius tidying up in the library."

"Tidying up? Who taught him to tidy up?"

"He was having a friend over and so he was removing certain books that were 'too dark' so his friend wouldn't take offense."

"Weird."

"Hm..."

"I'm sure it's nothing. Remember when I had that friend over?"

"I didn't see any new handmade cross in the pet cemetery the day after. When he's away at Hogwarts hanging with easily offended people I have no control whatsoever. I'm thinking of sending him to Baguette Magique."

"Well, I hear good things about Baguette Magique and its dark fostering program."

"The queue, 'though."

"Oh my, how the Slytherin house has fallen. It used to be purebloods only, but I hear they accept anybody who has a knack for stirring together a batter mix."

"That's another thing I've never mentioned. It's so embarassing, but...He's not in the Slytherin house."

Juice spat out his Ciroc.

"WHAT?! But then you simply must arrange for him to change house stat!"

Ri wiped the Ciroc mixed with spit from his face.

"They won't allow it because of some hat bla bla bla. What a joke. At Baguette Magique they just sewed together the mouth."

"There must be circumstances under which they would allow it."

"Maybe if he was being bullied, but he's not being bullied because only weaklings are bullied."

"Now listen to me. Forget for a moment everything you've read in dark fostering books about how distant fathers create dark mindstates. I have had many cats and I can tell you that the way to get a cat to do what you want is by rewarding desired behaviour."

Ri nodded. "I hear what you're saying. If there's something wrong with the bitch-"

"No. So, what does every boy desire? His father's approval of course. I know it sounds a bit hippie-new age- kumbaya but hear me out because my editor Godiva Crool said this to me. If he gets just enough approval from you, he won't need to seek it in un-dark places."

"What you're saying does make sense."

They finished their Ciroc and madeleines and now they were ready to continue.

"Now let's go to our hunter's lodge in the woods!" said Juice. "But we must be on our watch, because there's a fullmoon out."

"Here's the servant, Louis Vuitton, with our special bayonets and silver bullets."

They laughed evilly.

"Why are we laughing evilly?" Juice asked. "Werewolves spread terror, they keep the squib population down and non-purists hate them."

"Well they're invasive and I still don't want them in Eerie Swings."