That's Why My Hand Was Shaking by Teenage Anomaly
You whispered that you were getting tired, You're hiding regret in your smile So lie to me and tell me that it's gonna be alright
Got a look in your eye,
Looks a lot like goodbye.
Hold on to your secrets tonight.
Don't want to know I'm okay with this silence
It's truth that I don't want to hear
There's a storm in your eyes I've seen coming for awhile
Hold on to the past tense tonight
Don't say a word,
I'm ok with the quiet.
The truth is gonna change everything.
So lie to me and tell me that we'll make it through the night
I don't mind if you wait before you tear me apart,
Look me in the eye,
And lie, lie, lie.
Chapter Ten: An End
After scouring the beach for the diminutive blonde, Sawyer had to stop and actually think about where the infuriating girl could possibly be.
He'd missed the main point in the whole scenario- that Katty, who, when desiring to be left alone, was nigh impossible to find, did not, at this point in time, want to be found. However, he, James, didn't much care about that at the moment. He wasn't going to let her go that easily.
He scanned the edge of the forest, thinking hard. She'd been spending a lot of time with Ana Lucia; it made sense that the Mexican would know where to find her.
Tramping through the jungle angrily, he approached the woman's tent and prodded her with his foot.
"Hey, Ana. Wake up."
She grunted and rolled over in her sleep, her tank top riding up to reveal a patch of smooth, brown skin. She opened her eyes and glared up at him.
"The hell do you want?" she asked and he crouched down next to her.
"Katty," he said, his voice coming out harder than he'd intended it to, although he didn't really care at the moment. "You seen her?"
"Not lately," she shot back, the same sarcasm in her slow voice as her eyes narrowed.
"You sure about that?"
"Positive. Why? She get away from you?"
He glared at her. "You don't know what yer talkin' bout."
She just raised an eyebrow. He sighed and sat down next to her, running a hand through his shaggy hair, and she just looked at him, unimpressed.
"I don't know how to hold onto her," he said gruffly, looking anywhere but at the Mexican with dark eyes. "I ain't never loved anyone, and now she says she's gotta go for some noble, bullshit reason?" He looked at Ana for the first time and scoffed at himself, rolling his eyes and looking away just as quickly.
"And why the hell am I talking about this to you?"
"My helpful and caring personality," she said flatly, and he looked at her in surprise before laughing.
"Good one, Lucy," he said sarcastically.
She sat up and leaned forward, exhaling, giving Sawyer a wonderful view down her bra.
"Listen, cowboy, if you wanna get something, go for it. But you gotta realize… what you do today, right now, cause you think you're in love, could have repercussions for way more than just you and her."
He glanced up and met her black eyes, thinking about Katty, thinking about Kate, and then there was something else, like the wisp of déjà vu, wheat- blonde hair glittering in the sun and bright blue eyes and a tired smirk.
-
She was sitting on the jungle floor, leaning against a tree, one leg pulled up to her chest and the other outstretched. She was barefoot, again, and her eyes and the areas around them were red, as was her nose.
Sawyer just looked at her for a minute, thinking she looked slightly like a blonde Rudolph, before storming out to talk to her, yell at her, kiss her, or maybe to do all of the above. She glanced over at him and immediately jumped to her feet, brushing dirt off her backside. Sawyer strode over to her and grabbed her arms and slammed his lips on hers, kissing her forcefully.
It lasted for about five seconds before they parted, flushing, the tears in Katty's eyes welling up again.
"I ain't lettin' you go," he murmured, and she stared at him before wrenching away.
"You do realize," she said, her voice hard despite the shudder that ran through it, "that this helps nothing?"
"I love you, goddammit!" He growled through gritted teeth, making a violent movement with his hand.
She paled, her mouth opening slightly, and he closed the distance between them in a step.
"What could be so damn important that could stop that?"
"You have no idea. God, I knew this wouldn't work!"
"Then why did you let me love you?" he growled. She gave an insane laugh, tossing her hands up in the air.
"Cause I thought we could take it! Cause I thought… I thought that I'd just be able t' leave when I had to."
"You thought wrong, Kat," he said softly. She fixed him in that bright blue gaze, her golden-brown hair falling around her face, her lips set in a firm line.
"Don't you get it, James? It doesn't matter, what we do or what we feel…the things that you're gonna do, you're gonna do regardless of whether you love me or not! It doesn't matter-"
"It doesn't matter what I want, is that it?" he hissed, cocking his head to the side.
"No-!"
"Oh, yeah? Cause it sure as hell sounds like it, Kathryn-"
"You are going to make the decisions I've already seen you make," she said quietly, her eyes filling up with an ancient pain, "whether I'm here or not. Don't you see? I'm doing this to save us more hurt later!"
"More hurt," he growled, his eyebrows pulling up in the middle. "Katie, I don't see how that's possible."
She just looked at him, a sad grin on her face. "Believe me. It's possible."
He stared at her, wondering what the hell had to happen to make her do this (and make him, in the back of his mind, realize that, as much as he hated her for it, she was right) and she stared back, tears in her eyes, her face red. "All this- everything- that first kiss in the jungle-"
She shook her messy head. "We never had a chance, James. We were always meant to say goodbye."
"It was perfect, kid. Everything we have- ev'rythin' we coulda had, doncha get it?"
He grabbed the tops of her arms again, forcing her to meet his eyes. "Neither of us'll ever get that again if we leave each other now."
"You know what they say about good things," she said, as she reached up to gently grasp his wrists. "C'mon, James, you 'n me… we've never been the type to do or die. We're survivors, right? We keep on going."
He just stared at her before letting his hands slide off of her arms.
"You doin' this cause you feel like you have to, or cause you just wanna move onta someone else?"
She stared at him like he'd hit her.
"What the heck are you talking about?"
"Boone's not even been gone two weeks 'n since then you've already had and gotten ridda me. What kinda person does that make ya, kid?"
He was grasping at straws now, trying to hurt her. He didn't mean it, and he knew she had to know that. It was how he coped.
He hadn't expected her reaction. Her face crumpled completely like he had hit her and she began sobbing almost hysterically, her body shaking. Sawyer stared at her, stricken. She turned on her heel and strode away from him, her arms wrapped around herself.
"Katty-"
"Who's fucking idea was it that we get together, James?" she shouted, whirling around on him, tears streaming down her face. "I didn't ask for this, alright? I don't wanna be the fucking guardian anymore!"
With that she turned back to the jungle and disappeared in the green depths, leaving James standing with his feet rooted to the ground, listening to the receding sobs of the only person he'd ever really loved.
-
Sawyer passed by Ana's tent and she looked up at him, ice in her gaze.
"Well done," she said, her voice hard.
He just looked at her. "Not in the mood, Rambita-"
"I don't give a fuck about your mood," she snarled quietly, rising to her feet. "I do care about why I can hear one of the toughest women I know crying like she just got her heart ripped out."
He was silent for a moment and didn't meet her eyes. "You heard that?"
"The whole camp heard, Ford. Why is she crying?"
He looked up at her. "Cause she just got her heart ripped out."
He turned and saw Jack, staring at him. Sawyer said nothing.
-
My fault, my fault, idiot.
She wrapped her arms tightly around herself, rocking back and forth and sobbing.
"Help me," she sobbed to no one. "Help me."
And what hurt the most was that she knew he was right.
-
I approached the hatch a few hours later, under control, although my eyes and nose were still rather red.
Sniffling, I entered the gloom of the hatch and made my way to the main room, where I had every intention of collapsing onto the couch and sleeping. However, to my chagrin, there was already someone asleep on it.
Sayid was breathing deeply, one arm thrown across his stomach, his head tilted back and his hair falling over the arm of the couch, the shadows under his eyes dark. It was adorable.
I smiled softly and sadly and turned to make my way to the bunk beds- when I saw the door to the armory.
And remembered about Benjamin Linus.
Internally, I warred with myself for a moment. What was more important; Ben or sleep?
Sleep, I decided, was the more logical course of action, as it was unlikely (not impossible, but unlikely) that I could get seriously injured whilst sleeping. However, no sooner had I collapsed under the covers, nestling into the pillow, exhausted from sobbing, did I really fully realize- Benjamin Linus was merely twenty feet away from me.
My eyes snapped open. I stared up at the bunk on top of me, swore vigorously, then threw the sheets off me and swung my legs off of the bunk before striding over to the armory.
And then I remembered that I didn't have the combination.
"…. Damn!"
"Katty?"
I whirled around to see Jack, who was staring at me like he was worried about me. I gave him a very quick grin, trying to look like I wasn't doing anything that wouldn't piss him off. The grin felt forced and fake and my heart hurt and everytime I blinked I saw Sawyer's face in my mind.
"Wassup?"
"What are you doing?"
"I was gonna talk to this dude," I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder at the door, "when I remembered I didn't know the combination. But now that you're here, that's not really a problem, so-"
"No."
"What?"
"No," he said, more firmly, raising his eyebrows. "I don't want you anywhere near him."
My heart fell. "But… why?"
He just stared at me and when he spoke it was as though to someone who was very stupid. "Because he might be dangerous, Katty."
"Dude, I can take care of myself."
"No," he said, more firmly, raising his eyebrows. "And that's final."
There was a ring in his last word that told me, quite clearly, I'd be an enormous fool to pursue the issue further. So I bit my tongue to stop the uprising of teenage "don't tell me what I can't do" (as opposed to the Locke "don't tell me what I can't do") and went back to the bunk bed.
-
It was the middle of the night when I emerged from the hatch, holding a torch in one hand, headed back to the beach. If Jack knew that I was walking through the jungle, alone, in the middle of the night… well, he'd probably have a heart attack. Which was precisely why I hadn't told him.
The torchlight made everything seemed eerier, somehow. I was jumping at shadows, at whispers, and small noises in the dark.
I suddenly wished, very desperately, that I wasn't alone. It was a kind of dreadful, familiar presence at my back, a weight in my chest that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
My body turned colder with fear and I began walking very quickly, my heart pounding, determined to not look behind me.
Once I finally reached the beach I was half panting, my heart beating so quickly I was sure it would pound right out of my chest.
And Sawyer wouldn't be in my tent, warm and asleep and comforting.
Tears filled my eyes and I fought the urge to kick myself as I sucked it up and made the way over to the tent I'd shared with two very different men.
Who I'd been expecting to see when I pulled back the flap, I wasn't sure- Boone or Sawyer or maybe Sayid- but I definitely had not been expecting this.
"Richard?"
LOST
"Lie" by David Cook.
A/N: Another short chapter. The action's gonna start picking up pretty soon and there's only about fourteen days left in this season! This are about to start getting pretty interesting, guys.
Bye! Please review!
Sarah.