Be Cool
Ninnik Nishukan
Summary: Short and pointless pre-series Drakken and Shego. Just an extra long drabble posing as a real story for tax purposes.
It was a Friday, which meant the end of the ordinary work week.
Well, as close to ordinary as the end of the work week could be at the secret, evil lair of a mad scientist super villain, anyway.
"All right, minions!" Drakken shouted brightly, clapping his hands together with a huge grin. "It's time for a water cooler break!"
"Good," Shego muttered, putting down the heavy doomsday weapon part she'd been schlepping across the floor towards the lab area, "I'm parched…!"
As she walked towards her new employer, she couldn't help but overhear a couple of the henchmen.
One of them elbowed the other. "Since when do we have a water cooler, Bob?"
The other shook his head. "Since when do we have breaks, Clarence?"
Shego frowned at the exchange, but it quickly escaped her attention when she realized exactly what Dr. Drakken had just said. "Minions?" She mouthed to herself, her frown deepening.
She was about to object to this when her new boss shoved a paper cup into her hand, grinned a little stiffly at her and proceeded to ask her something that completely threw her off balance.
"Lovely weather today, isn't it, Miss Shego?" He prompted, oozing cheerfulness.
Glancing from the mad scientist to the windowless walls of the lab, which definitely didn't offer her any clue about the state of the weather, Shego didn't quite know how to respond. "Uh…sure?" She said slowly, taking a distracted sip of water.
Following her gaze, Drakken seemed to realize his mistake and cleared his throat loudly. "Well, um, I'm sure you can see what it's like outside later, if you check the security monitors— anyway! Hey, um, you!" He broke himself off, turning to one of the henchmen. "Um, uh—" He snapped his fingers, his expression turning a bit frantic.
"Clarence, boss," the henchman replied.
"Right!" Drakken blurted, relieved. "Clarence! Did you watch the game last night, Clarence?"
Clarence looked to Bob for assistance, but only found Bob looking just as floored. "Which game was that, boss? The hockey or the football?"
Drakken hesitated; he hadn't really anticipated the follow-up question. "The…the football?"
"Then, no…I didn't, boss," Clarence said, shrugging.
Drakken floundered. "Did I say football? I meant hockey!" He exclaimed, starting to sound slightly desperate.
"Well, in that case, yeah," Clarence nodded.
"So, um…who won?" Drakken wondered. That seemed like safe enough of a question.
"The Komodo Dragons, sir."
Drakken's brow wrinkled. "They let live komodo dragons out on the ice with the players? And how do they even teach them how to skate?"
Clarence looked like he was beginning to consider a hasty retreat. "Uh…"
Drakken, sensing he was slipping, fished in his pocket for his notes and made another attempt. "Did anybody, um, you know, knock it out of the park?"
"That's…that's baseball, doctor," Shego told him carefully. The comment about skating komodo dragons already had her questioning her new employer's sanity, and she didn't want to provoke him any further.
Drakken froze, glancing at the scrap of paper in his hand and then back at his sidekick. "You sure?"
Henchman Bob solemnly confirmed this, nodding. "It's baseball, sir."
"Oh," Drakken mumbled. Consulting his notes again, he found nothing useful, and went with the only thing he could think of: "Well! Anybody for some more water? Miss Shego?"
He was just about to refill her cup when his new sidekick poked his arm. "Uh…Dr. Drakken?"
Drakken turned around, trying to look amiable. "Yes, Miss Shego?"
Shego arched an eyebrow. "Not to sound rude or anything, but…what the heck are you doing?"
This was backed up by a general mumble among the henchmen. "Yeah, what's going on, huh, boss?"
The disbelieving expression on his new sidekick's face finally sinking in with him, Drakken took an apprehensive glance behind her and noticed that his henchmen were looking at him in much the same way, even if they weren't conveying the emotion quite as efficiently as Miss Shego. "What do you mean?" He asked with a certain reluctance, not liking the abrupt and unfamiliar embarrassment that was starting to itch at the back of his neck.
Shego's hands came to rest on her hips. "I mean, what's with the random Mr. Rogers routine?"
Drakken glared, the embarrassment melting away under the indignation, and the piece of paper crumpling to a ball in his fist. "Miss Shego! I'll have you know that Villains Weekly says small talk in the workplace builds a bond between an employer and their employees!" Drakken declared, puffing his chest up. "It says it's necessary for morale!" He was also doing it because he'd never had a sidekick before and didn't exactly know how to behave around her yet; didn't exactly know which ratio between bossy and friendly would ensure her obedience and loyalty.
He'd decided to leave that part out, though. It just wouldn't do to seem wet behind the ears.
"Dr. Drakken, you— yeesh!" Quickly interrupting herself, Shego threw her hands up, and her face took on that looks-like-I-have-to-cut-right-to-the-chase sort of expression that he'd noticed she'd been wearing more and more often as her first week of work had progressed. "It's not like we're gonna pledge our eternal allegiance to you just because you nag us about sports and the weather, is it? Look, it's so obvious you have no idea what you're doing, and you're just freaking us out, so give it a rest, okay?"
Drakken glanced at her, partly offended, but mostly hopeful. "So you mean I don't have to make an effort to have small talk with you?"
Shego smacked her forehead. "No!"
"Oh, thank goodness!" Drakken exhaled, making a gesture as if he was wiping his brow. "Okay, everyone," he went on, reverting to the no-nonsense, brisk, commandeering manner he normally used around the henchmen, "back to work now, chop chop! Time is money and all that!"
Shego rolled her eyes. Who actually listened to those silly magazines? She was all on board with taking a few fashion pointers— but a 'how to' guide on socializing? What kinda weirdo needed that?
Oh well…at least he didn't seem to suffer from multiple personality disorder after all, like she'd initially suspected when he'd started this whole awkward parody of a friendly workplace out of the blue— after having first spent Monday through Thursday playing the endearing part of Dr. Bossy McRanty-Bellows.
She had to wonder about her standards when not being a schizophrenic wasn't simply a given, but actually considered a plus in an employer— then again, it was a very dodgy business. For all she knew, she could've ended up with somebody who threatened their minions with a quick dip in an acid-filled Jacuzzi or something to get their will. In short, having a boss who shot the breeze with their employees was better than having one who just shot their employees.
Still…she needed to nip this in the bud. She'd never had the patience for pointless small talk.
"Now come along so I can tell you more about what we need for my plan, Miss Shego," Drakken said, tossing his notes in a nearby waste basket, turning on his heel and taking off towards his study.
But Shego didn't follow. "I prefer banter."
Drakken came to a screeching halt. "Banter?" He asked as he turned around reluctantly, watching her where she was leaning nonchalantly on the water cooler.
Shego shrugged one shoulder, flashing a grin. "You know, a little light teasing repartee?"
Drakken frowned, growing irked. "Yes, yes, I do know what— I just don't see why we should—"
"It's either that or back to the water cooler adventures," she said matter-of-factly, patting the top of the water cooler like it was the head of a good dog. The water cooler emitted some vaguely unpleasant sounds at this, like 'glonk, gloi-onk'.
He stared at her for a second before sighing as he rubbed at his temples. "Fine, whatever…!" Anything was better than small talk, and if this would help him relate to his new sidekick, then so be it. "But not on Monday mornings!" He added sternly, feeling the need to remind her who was boss.
She smirked. "Deal."
The End.
Author's notes: Not something I imagine would've ever actually taken place. Just me having some fun before I have to keep studying.
Komodo Dragons: I have no idea. I just made something up. Komodos are creepy.
In short, having a boss who shot the breeze with their employees was better than having one who just shot their employees: Yeah, I'm aware how lame this pun is. But how can I resist having a lame pun in a KP story?