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Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight...I do not.
Chapter 10 The Hardest Part
Enjoy!
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The hardest part
And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart
And I tried to sing
But I couldn't think of anything
And that was the hardest part
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BPOV
"Okay pipsqueak…daddy should be here in two minutes. You just sit tight in your highchair…maybe daddy will help give you your dinner." I laughed as Charlie let out this little grunt and banged his baby spoon on the tray of his highchair.
"Yeah, you're right…dessert first…just in case daddy's not too good at this…" I scooped up some bananas from the baby food jar and offered it to Charlie; he opened his mouth happily to accept the food.
I couldn't help it, and I knew you could hear it in my voice. Edward was going to knock on our door any second now, and believe it or not, my mind was racing how this might turn out.
I glanced nervously at the clock…it was already ten after six…an uneasy feeling settled in the pit of my stomach. Maybe he wasn't going to come after all…maybe he forgot…maybe he found something better to do…maybe he was at a bar…
I scooped up a few stray magazines off the countertops on my way to the kitchen, my eyes purposely avoiding looking at the beautiful vase of red roses sitting there. Those roses were a gift from Jake, and I didn't want to think about him right now.
Three short raps on my door made me spin around quickly. I forced myself to take a deep breath. Finally…he was here…
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"I don't think I can go through with it." I didn't look Dr. Clearwater in the eyes. My fingers tangled up in my hair as I tried to ease my anxiety.
"Why not Mr. Cullen? What's holding you back?" Dr. Clearwater's voice was genuinely concerned; he sat very still, as if the slightest movement from him might make me bolt.
I hated to admit it…I wanted to run…run right out of there and hide…ever since last night I've been fighting those old demons. They made me toss and turn in bed…made me sweat…made me crave… and I hated that.
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. "I'm not sure." I lied; I had no idea how to tell Dr. Clearwater this… "I just don't think I'm ready."
You see…I've been working so hard to get to this point…the point where I could be with Bella and my son. To be back in their lives…but my moving forward also meant one more thing…one more thing I would have to do…and it was scaring me.
"You were ready last week." Dr. Clearwater still didn't move, although his voice lowered a bit.
I finally looked up at him, he was just watching me, and I knew he could see right through me…he already knew why I didn't want to go. He moved his head slightly, he had just a touch of grey in his hair, it reflected the light, sort of made him glow…and for a few seconds I was immobile, just fascinated by it.
"You promised her you would go tonight…" he stared at me pointedly, "You promised her…imagine how she is going to feel if you don't show up?"
I blinked twice at him, snapping out of my trance…She isn't going to feel anything… nothing…I wanted to say …except maybe relief. I just shrugged, diverting my gaze over to the windows.
"What's making you change your mind? You were elated the other day when you told me she invited you over."
I finally gave in, shifting in my seat with a small sigh, I didn't know if this was going to be the hardest part…but it sure felt like it. "Cause I'm going to have to tell her…" I paused not really wanting to continue.
"Tell her what?" Dr. Clearwater pressed.
"Tell her that I'm an alcoholic…" I closed my eyes, "Tell her that I spent more nights drunk than not…tell her that my life is truly pathetic…that I'm pathetic…" And I really didn't want to admit to my wife that I was a failure…she already knew that…she knew what I was…but in order to ask for forgiveness, I needed to tell her what kind of man I had been, what kind of man I was now.
"Hmmm…" Dr. Clearwater's soft hum made me open my eyes and look at him, he just gave me a small, sad, smile, "Why don't you just tell her you're sorry?" he cocked his head to the side, eyebrows raised…
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I was early…like two hours early. I felt like a stalker…sitting in my car nearly two blocks away watching the house. I shouldn't be here like this, but the talk I had earlier with Dr. Clearwater played over and over in my head.
Why was talking to her so difficult? Why was I trying to avoid it? I used to be able to tell her anything…didn't I? What kind of man was I?
So I sat there…and watched the sun duck and hide behind the rows of houses and trees. I watched all the other vehicles drive up and down the block arriving from their hard day at work. I watched the children run out to greet their mothers and fathers, and give them big bear hugs.
Would I ever get a hug like that from Charlie?
My thoughts jumbled and spun around in my head as I gripped the steering wheel. I wanted my life back so bad…I wanted to come home from a hard days work and pull into that driveway…I wanted Charlie to run out and greet me with Bella standing at the door…I wanted to walk up that walkway and pull her into my arms and tell her I loved her.
As hard as it seemed, I was determined to apologize to Bella tonight…and to Charlie too. And I would tell her anything she wanted to know…anything…
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"Doesn't he look so peaceful?" Bella's soft voice drifted up around us as we both stood over Charlie's bassinet.
"He's just beautiful." I half whispered back, still in awe of this precious miracle that was given to us.
"He looks just like you." She giggled quietly, starting to tug at my hand, to pull me away from Charlie's nursery.
"He looks like you." I stressed, "Beautiful…nothing like me at all." I let her lead me out into our living room.
Charlie was eight weeks old yet Bella still had this amazing glow about her, just like she did when she was pregnant. Her skin was radiant, her cheeks flushed, she looked gorgeous. I pulled her close to me as we sat down on the sofa, I wanted to feel her next to me…just to stroke her cheek and look in her eyes.
"I talked to Charlotte today…she said she can start next month…" Bella smiled at me, that perfect sweet smile.
But suddenly the air in the room shifted, grew tighter, and I found myself struggling with what I wanted to say.
"What?" That was the only thing that came out of my mouth, "Who?"
"Charlotte…remember? I told you last week, she said she would babysit for us…I need to go back to work."
I could feel my eyebrows furrow, and I pushed down my annoyance, yes, Bella had told me about Charlotte last week and I ignored her…pretended not to hear her…the truth of the matter was that I didn't want Bella to go back to work…I wanted her to stay home…with Charlie.
I just shook my head at her, "I don't remember anything." I pulled up abruptly from the sofa, avoiding continuing the conversation. "We don't need a babysitter…besides I haven't even met her yet." I walked out of the living room and into the kitchen, opening the refrigerator looking for an imaginary drink.
"I told you…" Bella was right on my heels, I could hear the strain in her voice, "Charlotte comes highly recommended, and highly sought after…if I don't give her an answer by the end of the week she'll go to someone else."
"Then let her…" I shrugged, "We don't need her…"
"Yes we do Edward…I'm supposed to be back in my office beginning next month. We need someone to watch the baby while I'm gone." Now she sounded just mad, it made me angry in return.
"She can't be the only one…" I grabbed the first bottle of water I saw and opened it roughly, "So what if she gets hired by another family…we can find someone else."
"But Edward…I really want her…Brea said she was the best…and I want the best…for Charlie."
I was suddenly tired of this conversation; didn't she realize that she was the best for Charlie? I turned my body away from hers, I didn't want to continue this with her, "I have to go…" I glanced down at my watch, "Em's waiting for me."
Bella just nodded, her eyes full of sadness, she quietly moved out of the way, letting me pass. I didn't look at her anymore…it was too hard…and that guilty pit in my stomach was making me queasy.
I was glad that Em was home when I reached his place, even gladder that Rose wasn't there.
"What are you doing here Eddie? It's late." Em was surprised to see me at his doorstep.
"I'm glad you're home. Can I come in?"
Em eyed me with slightly worried eyes, "Sure…come on in. What's up?"
I walked over and threw myself down on his recliner, the one he loved to watch all his basketball games in. "Bella wants to go back to work."
Em just raised his eyebrows at me, lowering himself down onto his sofa. "Okay," he said, his voice held a hint of confusion, "Bella's job is important."
"More important than Charlie?" I stared at him.
"Oh… I see…" he leaned back a bit, nodding his head, "You don't want her to go back to work?"
"No." Wasn't that clear? Hadn't I made that perfectly clear to Bella?
"Did you tell her that?" he crossed his arms in front of him, waiting for me to answer. I rolled my eyes at him.
"Of course I told her that." But even as the words came out of my mouth, something in the back of my head was telling me that no…I hadn't told her anything…
"What did she tell you when you told her you don't want her to go back to work?" Em leaned his elbows on his knees, looking up at me.
"Nothing…She didn't say anything…she won't even listen to me." I shook my head at him, trying to shake the nagging feeling.
"But you guys talked about it right? Not fight…just talk?" Em was frowning at me, as if he could see something in me that I couldn't even see.
"Sort of…" I just shrugged, not really sure of the answer…we had talked…there were no angry words…that meant talking, didn't it?
"What do you mean sort of?" he gave me this exasperated look; it kind of ticked me off.
"I don't know…" I threw my hands up, my voice tight, "She kept bugging me about this Charlotte person…she wants to hire her to watch Charlie…I don't even know who she is! Why can't she just stay home with our son? Why does she even want to go back to work?"
"Whoa…hold on little brother…" Em was half rising from his seat now, "You know Bella's an independent woman…you knew that when you met her…you knew that when you married her…you knew that when she got pregnant…her job is important to her... you can't take that away from her."
I kept staring at him; letting his words sink in…he was making sense. Even back in college, Bella had always been determined and hardworking…she knew what she wanted out of her life, and knew how to get it. She loved her job, she was so excited when she was hired to work with foster children, and she was good at it, her boss loved her.
I was at loss for words as I watched Em shake his head at me, "Eddie…you need to talk to her…don't forget, her feelings are important too, and the only way you will figure what she is feeling is if you talk to her…"
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A little before five, I saw a bright red convertible mustang pull up into Bella's driveway. I knew who it was before I even saw him. He slid out of the car with ease, his dark hair glistening in the sunlight, he was always so smooth…even back in high school…flashing that charming white grin to the people around him, it usually got him anything he wanted. I fought with my annoyance, watching as Jake exited his vehicle; he was wearing a crisp black business suit and was holding this enormous bouquet of red roses in his hand.
He didn't knock…or use a key either…Bella was at the door even before he reached it. He was grinning at her and pressed a kiss to her cheek before they both entered the house.
Anger coursed through my veins at the sight, and my imagination went into overdrive as the door closed. What the fuck was going on between them? I gripped the steering wheel tightly, I didn't want Jake anywhere near Bella…I always thought he wanted her…even when Bella and I were still dating. The first time Jake met Bella was at Em's place.
Bella and I had gone over to Em's for his birthday. All of Em's and Rose's friends were there, including Jake. The minute I introduced Jake to Bella I could see it in his eyes and hear it in the tone of his voice that he was attracted to her. His smile was too bright, his eyes all lit up, he literally tried to maneuver his body between Bella and me just to talk to her.
She was polite to him of course…shook his hand…made small talk. It bothered me to no end, and now I sat in my car wondering how long he'd been coming around…if he had just been waiting in the sidelines all along until I screwed up, so he could take my place.
Unless…he already taken my place…
So I fumed for a while…fighting the urge to drive away…trying to control my imagination from conjuring up pictures of what could be happening behind those closed doors.
I was entertaining the idea that Bella had actually invited me over with Jake there until I saw the door open again. Jake was leaving. He gave Bella a quick hug, got in his car, and drove off. She leaned against the doorway until his car was out of sight, then went back inside.
I tried not let it confuse me…telling myself she could do as she well pleased, she was no longer tied to me, but I couldn't shake the feeling that the whole thing was just wrong…that I was missing something…some little piece to the puzzle that would make perfect sense.
I also wanted to just kick Jake's ass.
I purposely waited ten minutes after six before ringing the bell, just to see if I could read any reaction in her eyes when she answered the door. I shouldn't be playing games, I knew better than that, but just once…just this once…I needed some little sign that would tell me it would all be okay.
Bella opened the door, her hair flowing over her shoulders in soft waves. She looked beautiful, and I immediately regretted being late…losing those precious minutes with her. Her eyes washed over me worriedly, and I hated myself for making her worry.
"Hi…I'm sorry I'm late." I quickly apologized, looking up into her eyes.
She gave me a quick, small, smile and opened the door wider to let me in, "Oh, that's okay…I didn't realize it was after six."
I stared at her trying not to feel defeated…she didn't even notice…didn't even care, just like I told Dr. Clearwater.
"Come on in…Charlie is just finishing up his dinner…it's always easier to feed him first, that way we can eat in peace." She let out this forced laugh, her eyes darting at me quickly. I smiled at her to show her I understood, and made my way over to Charlie's high chair, purposely avoiding looking at the brilliant red roses sitting proudly in their vase near the kitchen.
"Hey little guy." I gave Charlie a bright smile and watched as he banged his spoon on the tray of his high chair. He gave me a toothy grin and shoved a small piece of what looked like bread, into his mouth.
"Charlie loves pumpkin bread for dessert." Bella's voice was still a bit strained; she walked over to the other side of the high chair and moved some of the food around on Charlie's tray.
"Pumpkin bread…" I couldn't help but give Bella a smile, "That was my favorite too."
She just sort of pressed her lips together, I wasn't sure if she was trying to suppress a smile or what, and said, "I know."
Dinner started out a bit rough…we ate in near silence...Bella began making small talk about Charlie's day...their walk to the park...how he was fascinated with the birds...I just keep starting at her, not really listening...I wanted to come right out and ask her what Jake was to her…if he was living here…in our house…if she was sleeping with him…if she loved him. It pretty much took over my brain, didn't let me concentrate on what Bella was talking about.
"We're going on Saturday…I think it would be fun for him to see…"
I finally forced myself to focus on what Bella was saying…something about Saturday. I nodded my head at her, pretending to know where they were going.
"Do you think he would like it?" she asked, tilting her head to the side with a knowing look in her eyes, she knew me well…even after all this time…she could still tell when I wasn't listening.
"I think he would." I tried to play it off, wondering if she was pissed that I hadn't been paying attention to her.
"You don't think he would be scared?" This time her voice held a hint of playfulness. I could feel my heart jump a little at her tone, it made me nervous, I wanted to hear more of it.
"What could possibly scare him?" I asked, letting my own voice indicate that I was playing along. She giggled, and when she did that, I was capitulating back into time…when we would sit together and laugh and talk…when everything was okay.
"You mean you don't think anything there could frighten him? Maybe startle him?" she smiled at me, mocking me, and this time I could see, her smile was real…it was the smile of the woman I married.
"Not off the top of my head, no." I joked; I had no idea what I was talking about.
She laughed, "What about the animals?" she questioned, raising her eyebrows at me, I just wrinkled my nose at her, "Or the loud noises?"
Could she be talking about the zoo?
"And I am worried that the clowns could scar him for life." She stressed with a small grin.
Okay now she was teasing me…she knew about my thing with clowns…she was messing with me. My mouth was open but nothing was coming out…she had baited me and I walked right into it.
Her laughter echoed all through the dining room and when Charlie joined in, I had to laugh with them. Her face was finally relaxed, and she let her hands rest on the table. That beautiful face ignited a spark in me and I knew that I wanted her…I needed her.
"Really Bella…" I pretended to frown, "Clowns? That's just wrong."
She laughed again and shook her head at me, "I'm talking about the carnival…that's what you get for not listening to me." She scolded.
I raised my hands in defeat, admitting my wrongdoings, and smiled back at her. "I think he would love the carnival."
"It would be his first time." She said almost softly, her eyes shone, she kept smiling at me, not saying anything else, almost as if she were waiting for me to say something.
I was at loss for words there…and almost glad when Charlie started complaining in his baby babble to be let loose from his high chair…almost…
I watched as she cleaned him up, wiping his face with a wet cloth. He complained some more, waving his tiny hands in front of his face, trying to shoo her off of him. She turned to me as she was about to remove the tray. "Would you like to hold him?"
I didn't know what to say but I realized what she was offering. "Do you think he would come with me?" I asked as she lifted him up.
"We'll find out." She turned and placed him in my arms. He was stiff at first, watching me with those wide eyes. I gave him a smile and tried to bounce him a little. "There are some of his toys in the living room, why don't you offer him one? I'll just finish up here."
I tried to move quickly before Charlie could burst out crying…it seemed like he was going to any minute now…I was relieved when he accepted the stuffed monkey I held up to him, but he still didn't smile at me.
With my son and his monkey safe in my arms I moved past to furniture over to the fireplace. Along the mantle were some pictures of Charlie…two round candles…and a small gold figurine, it was some sort of trophy, it caught my eye, and I moved closer to get a better look at it. It was a man, holding a baby, there inscribed on the base were the words World's Best Dad.
A lump formed in my throat…that wasn't mine…I never owned a trophy like that…and if it wasn't mine then that meant…it was his…it was Jake's.
I moved away from it as fast as I could; taking a few steps back, wishing I hadn't seen it, hoping it wouldn't make me crave later. I spun around, trying to shake the feeling, and nearly collided into Bella. Her eyes went wide and she took an awkward step back at my sudden movements.
"Oh!" her arms reflexively flung out as she stumbled backward.
Before I could even think about what was happening, my arm shot out and wrapped itself around her, pulling her towards me. Her body sprung forward and she reached out griping onto my shoulder as she collided into me.
I was so focused on not letting her fall and not letting Charlie get hurt in the process, that my brain didn't realize she was pressed completely against me, my arm wrapped protectively around her waist. It wasn't until I heard her breath hitch, and felt her fingers digging into my shoulder that my own heart began beating wildly with her so close.
And nobody moved…for at least ten seconds…nobody moved. Bella wasn't looking at me, she was staring into my chest, her own chest rising and falling rapidly. The top of her head was right under my chin and I could smell her heavenly scent. It swirled all around me, reminding me of my past…and promising me a future.
My chest tightened almost painfully…it was all so close…we were all here…the way we should be…
Charlie did what I wished I could have done…he reached out with his baby hand and placed it softly on her hair…she looked up then, first at me, then at Charlie. When he saw her looking at him, he stretched his arms out to her, asking to be held.
She reached for him, and I let him go, letting my other arm fall away from Bella's waist. There were a few more seconds of silence until Bella finally spoke.
"Thank you." Her voice was low and she averted her eyes, keeping them off of my face.
"Bella…" I wanted to tell her now…I'm not sure why…maybe just having her close to me, even if it was just for a few seconds gave me enough courage, "I'm sorry…" there was more I wanted to say but my voice was catching in my throat. She finally raised her eyes to mine, trying to blink back her tears. It just made me all more choked up, but still I tried, "I'm really sorry…"
She didn't let me finish, she turned her body away from me, squatting down to pick up the monkey that had fallen out of Charlie's arms.
"It's okay." She said, her words were slow…careful… "It was my fault anyways for startling you."
She was trying to avoid it…avoid me…and something just snapped in me…maybe it was the fact that there was another's man trophy up on that mantle…or his roses sitting in a vase in the kitchen…or just the fucking fact that he even existed in our lives made me squat down beside her and place my hand on her arm.
"No." My voice was strong…I felt strong, "That's not what I'm talking about…I need to apologize to you Bella, to both of you…and I need to do it right now."
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BPOV
The look in those beautiful green eyes was making me shake. His fingers rested on my arm and I wanted to pull away, not because I didn't want him to touch me, but because I wanted him to touch me…and it hurt so much…to have him so close, but at the same time so far away.
I'm not sure what made him so scared up on that fireplace…maybe seeing Charlie's baby pictures and how fast he was growing, made him realize all that he was missing, but he had spun around so fast, his eyes full of what looked like pure fear, the same look I had seen on him when he was drunk, I just took a frightened step back and lost my balance.
But he caught me, and when he touched me again, my heart just wouldn't listen to my brain anymore. I knew I had already lost this battle…perhaps I had never even won.
He probably saw that in me, even though I wouldn't let him see my eyes, and I did the first thing I could think of to avoid looking at him. I reached down and picked up Charlie's stuffed monkey. I was still scooping up the little thing when Edward's hand was on my arm, his voice clear and determined. His skin felt so warm against mine, his fingers sliding up to my shoulder, it forced me to look at him. I held my breath so he wouldn't be able to tell what I was feeling. Those eyes pierced right into my heart, and I couldn't look away anymore even if I had wanted to.
"No." He kept his gaze fixed on me, "That's not what I'm talking about…I need to apologize to you Bella, to both of you…and I need to do it right now."
But I wasn't ready…even though my heart was nearly pounding out of my chest, and my ears were aching to hear those words…I wasn't ready…
So I did what felt like the hardest part…although I am sure there were already other times that were just as hard, or worse… I pulled away from him, making up some excuse about how I needed to get Charlie ready for bed…thanking him for coming tonight…trying to usher him to the door.
Still…he kept at it…moving in front of me…trying to get my attention, make me look at him again, and I kept avoiding him…all while pleading with God to forgive me…to give me strength. It was like a dance in slow motion…we maneuvered all around each other…him trying to catch me…and me dancing out of reach.
When the knock came at the door I froze…it was late…that knock could only mean one thing…and I didn't know how I was going to deal with it all…
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EPOV
She was scared…I had scared her…I could tell by the look in her eyes, the way she kept turning away from me, trying to avoid me, but I was suddenly more determined than ever to make her listen to me.
"Bella please…" I made my way around her; she was trying to get to the front door, making up some excuse about how Charlie was tired.
"Thanks for coming Edward, Charlie enjoyed it…but he's really sleepy now…" Her voice shook, she brushed past me, her eyes fixed on the floor.
"Bella…I just need a minute…Bella…look at me…just a minute…" I stood directly in front of her, cutting off her path to the door. She just shook her head, her arms wrapped securely around Charlie. She turned her body slightly and tried to slip past.
"He gets really fussy if I don't get him to sleep on time…" Again she moved quickly, shifting Charlie in her arms, he was gurgling happily at all the movements, clearly not sleepy at all.
The knock at the door startled both of us. Bella half jumped at the sound and I twisted my head around at the noise, then back to her. The minute my eyes met hers I knew who was at the door. I could see it all over her face. She probably wasn't expecting him back so early…I bet he didn't even know I was here.
My first instinct was anger, but that quickly faded into panic. If I didn't do it now then I wouldn't get my chance tonight, so I did the first thing that came to mind.
I reached out with both hands grasping her by her shoulders and encircling her and Charlie into my arms. I didn't give her a chance to react; I leaned my body into hers and tilted my head.
Her eyes went wide at my nearness but that didn't stop me, the second our lips met everything faded into the background. My world went blank…I couldn't see or hear anything except the woman in front of me. Her body was stiff at first, and I was sure she was going to pull away from me and scream…but when a second or two had gone by and she was still there…still standing in my arms, I felt her respond…just a little bit…but it was more than enough.
Her mouth felt so soft, just the way I remembered it…and I wish I could have traced the curve of her cheek with my fingers. Instead I just kissed her…ever so softly…hoping she would remember too, how good we once were.
We both ignored the knocking…eventually it stopped. It was Charlie who made us break apart. He began to protest our nearness; he didn't like me so close to his mother. It made me smile…Charlie and I…we were both alike.
She gave out this tiny sound, it sounded like a half gasp, half sob as we stepped away from each other, but she was looking at me…she didn't break our gaze.
"Please baby…" I whispered to her, begging her for a chance…just one more chance… "I'm so sorry for everything I did to you…and to Charlie…I know I hurt you…with my words…with my actions…" Bella was frozen in place; watching me silently, a few stray tears escaping her eyes, she didn't bother brushing them away. I needed to keep going…to keep trying to make her understand, "And I promise you…that from here on out, I will do everything I can to make it up to you…both of you…you two are my whole world, and it kills me knowing that I hurt the people who I love the most. I was just so lost…losing Em…it hurt so bad…and I'm so sorry Bella…I'm so sorry…"
She was sobbing now…and I wanted to pull her into my arms again and just keep begging for forgiveness…but I knew that the only way Bella would believe anything I had to say was to prove it to her, so I just placed my hand on Charlie's backside rubbing softly…he was resting his head on Bella's shoulder, his expression somber, as if he knew just how important this conversation really was…how much was riding on this.
We stayed that way, but this time the silence wasn't quite so scary…or threatening. It was almost peaceful…with just a hint of a promise that we could have a future together once more.
When we heard the knocking at the door again it pissed me off…with an abrupt turn I stalked over to the door and flung it open.
I was done staying out of Jake's way…if he wanted Bella he was going to have to go through me…and he was going to have to start tonight, because there was no way I was letting my family go without a fight…
I didn't know if this was going to be the hardest part of the night…but it was time for me to find out…because he was gone…the old Edward…he was gone…and he left me behind...smarter...stronger...and for that, I was grateful…
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